Cleanse 5 of 5

I have always tried to have compassion for people.
When I was in grade school and kids would pick a target to tease, I would never jump on board. 

When I got to high school, I made it my business to speak up for kids that got hassled and bullied. If I was around bullies knew what the fuck was what. You don't do that shit in front of me. I would befriend nerds so that bullies wouldn't mess with them.

I would never tell someone they were a loser in a serious way. Or that they were a waste of skin. Even if I thought it, I would keep it to myself. 

When I became an adult, I knew having losers around was a choice. Not something I would choose. I wanted to be surrounded by people crushing it. People who had it somewhat figured out. People who were pursuing their dreams relentlessly. People who were in forward motion. Who didn't live on excuses. Who intended to prosper and be happy.

I never thought I would find someone in adulthood who was none of those things. I never thought I could develop feelings for someone who was clearly not moving. There's some fucked up theory that 'you attract what you are.' I can't really buy into that. There are a ton of sweet women who end up with abusive assholes. Does that then make them abusive assholes?

I never subscribed to that whole your man as a materialistic item you use to show off to others and basque in his success as if it were your own. Like those housewives who are married to doctors and lawyers or moguls and have nothing to do all day but spend money while the nanny raises their kids. I wasn't groomed to 'find a husband'. If anything the message was 'get an education so you can take care of yourself.' I wasn't taught to depend on men. I wasn't taught to stand behind them because I was a woman. You can be supportive and kind. If a man is going to start a partnership with you then being part of that team is what you sign on for. You care for EACHOTHER. Not you just taking care of his needs and then you pretend you don't have any. Fuck that. 
Mutuality is key.

When someone doesn't care how you feel or what you want they aren't on your side. I experienced this with the painter. His condition made it and issue but how much was condition and how much was him just being a hard headded selfish typical hood male? There is no way to know percentages.

He would make a statement during a conversation that he was a grown assed man at 25. I nearly burst into laughter. Because at 37 he absolutely wasn't grown. Still a giant child. Still selfish like a child. Becoming a man is putting others before yourself. Caring about people outside of yourself. He would proclaim all the time how selfish he was. How he was 'regressing'. To me all that said was 'I have zero intention of caring about you.' The more he said it the farther it pushed me away. The only consistent thing he did was disappoint me. He would always say he would be by on such and such a day and promptly not show up. He was always telling me he'd make it up to me, and never would. He just seemed as if he was trying to leave the 'situationship' and didn't want to say so. So I simply stopped talking to him. There was no desire to call. No missing him. No tears. No sighs of regret. The only reason I went back before was the idea that I hadn't slept with him. The what if if he would be the next great sexcapde. So I hung around. But the sex was trash. One time it seemed like it was going to get good. But then it never did. Then he pulled that 'I need something to eat' trick and that was the end of it for me. He bragged before how he would blow my back out. How he would do this and that to me. Yeah, still waiting. Got sick of waiting. I have had men that were great in bed. That gave me what I wanted. That cared if I was satisfied or not, and went the distance till I was. I know what that is like. His skills never got past high school. In any degree. Everything about him was high school. I started to get frustrated with how far behind he was. How he was the OPPOSITE of what I wanted in so many ways. Physically he was an ideal. But every other way he was a disappointment. I didn't come all this way just to be let down at every turn.

Every time he let me down I would think of what I wish I had. I'd think of what I deserved. If I hung around longer, he would have probably stopped talking to me just to prove a point. The thing with people with low self esteem is that if you like them they hate you for it. I've been thought it before. I knew what it looked like. I knew where it led. 

If found myself spending most of my time wishing he was different. Wishing he cared how I felt. Wishing he would stop being so fucking selfish and become the man I wanted. Wishing he was good in bed and horny all the time and coming over every couple of days to let me have it. Even if we weren't having a great love affair; we'd at least have great sex. That never happened. There was no point in continuing. He was officially useless to me. Waste of time and energy.