Bottom fell out

The Valentine's thing was still hovering, when Black Panther was rounding the corner. We have known for months this film was opening. He and I planned to see it together for months.

I was planning an outfit inspired by the film. Hair that was cool and went with the outfit. I have been stressed and depressed for two weeks and really needed something to shake me out of it. Valentines put me deeper in. The film would be a celebration. Plus he and I would see it together. I had been having an impossible time finding the energy to do anything. Sewing was piling up. I changed my design several times. Then decided I wanted something like a dress. Feminine. Like I was on a date.

Friday I wouldn't be ready. And besides my account was overdrawn so I couldn't get my ticket on line. I had cash. I'd ask him to get the tickets for the show and I would pay him in cash.

My group decided to schedule our meetup on Saturday. I had a ticket for a play my friend was performing in that day. So I couldn't help host. So then Sunday would be it. I was talking to him on the phone to nail down the details when he says.

" I might have to go with the fam. So I can't go with you."

Just like that. I didn't have the energy to argue. I was too angry to speak. I said fine and hung up. I am sure he didn't even MENTION he made plans with me. Or feel he should make the time since he did nothing for valentines. But nope his wife mother wins again.

This is why he will never be a man.

This intrusive intimate relationship he has with his fucking mother. He lives with her, and drives her car like a wife. Wouldn't shock me if he fucks her too. I am completely drained of everything.

So I tried to make other plans. No one would go with me. This made me feel worse. I stayed home. 

Monday was a holiday. I didn't want to stay home a third day. So I made some pants to wear, got dressed and planned to get to the 4 pm show. I saw the shows selling out on line all day. I was angry about my bank account. If I could get a ticket on line I would be cool. 

I went outside and it was cold and windy. There were black clouds. I got to the mall went right in to get my ticket. It was crowded beyond belief. But I saw the 4pm show wasn't sold out yet. I got to the cashier and even though the 4pm show was still on the board, only 7 pm was available. 

NO! I can't hang around here alone for the next 3 hours. I went across the street and paid a bill. It was raining. GREAT!

I got two slices of pizza to go and waited the rain out. I walked the 3 blocks to wait for the bus. I got back home by 5. Ate and went back to bed.

Cramping like crazy. So yep aunt flo arrived. Long nap.

I texted my best friend several times this week. She never text me back. She said on line that she needed to go see Black Panther. I text to see if she wanted to go with me. Total silence. Come to find out she's in palm springs with her boyfriend touring museums.  She's posting on line and ignoring my texts.

Of course I'm jealous. I wish I had a boyfriend that would do that. But it really hurt she didn't bother answering my texts. I started crying. That hurt way more than that fucker brushing me off for his mother. Just to ignore me totally. 

I'm already struggling. Trying to hold on.

I'm tired of wishing I had someone who loved me. I am tired of being by myself ALL the time. The simple things I can't get. Tired of that.

I have to work my ass off to get a car.

I have to work my ass off to get the weight off

I have to work my ass off to get my wardrobe elevated to catch the eye of the kind of people I want around me.

I am out of this shitty neighborhood.

I am back into dance classes

I am in to spin school

I am my design business on line

I am dating incredible men

I am in love. The real thing.

I won't look back.