60 days and counting

The past two days have been hell.

Trying to get back on social services is a pain in the ass. All of the worksource offices in the downtown area have either been closed or have half services. I went to three offices before I got the real answers I needed. Buy then the day was over so I had to start over the next day. I was out of money. He told me if I needed help he would help me. He also said he would be over that night. 

Naturally he wouldn't be able to come over because his wife wouldn't give him the car keys. Meaning his mother.

Which I am getting tired of. She is literally in control of my sex life. I'm resentful. Angry. Wondering what the fuck I am supposed to get out of this relationship other than what I do not want.

But I reminded him he said he'd help. He said he'd stop by in the morning on the way to work. He did.

So I started my journey over. Had to go all the way to hollywood to get the paperwork signed, then back downtown to little tokyo to drop it off. I get to tokyo and one paper isn't stamped. So I have to go all the way back to Hollywood to get it stamped. By then it's too late to turn it back in. I have to start over again tomorrow.

Emotionally exhausted.
All I wanted was for him to come and hold me for a while.

He wouldn't do it. I'm sure his wife wouldn't allow it. I got more angry. I'm tired of no one being there for me. I am tired of feeling feelings for someone who doesn't have any for me. If he does he can't express them. Not the way I need them.

We've been together 8 months. We met last February 11th. So this month should be a celebration. I get the feeling that when we should be celebrating Ill be totally alone. He won't even try to participate. He's calibrated for failure. Comfortable with being a disappointment. Never trying to meet the mark. It's so fucking depressing. It's starting to bring back some old shit that I got rid of a long time ago.

I say 60 days because his licence suspension is cleared in March. Once he gets a car then he should be ready to move out. If he doesn't then I know he's a mommas boy for sure and I'm done. With her he will never have to grow up. With me he will. He would naturally choose not to. Or will he? Will he finally become the man he was supposed to be? Will we finally be able to have a real relationship? Will we be a real couple? 

I just don't think so.

The Real Love Film Festival is in about 16 days. I could go hard with my diet ( I've already lost 10 pounds ) work out and drink my cleansing drinks so when the festival hits I feel great and look great; and am ready for something new. 

I don't feel bad about sleeping with other people at this point. Even if he knew, he still wouldn't tell me how he feels. He'd just sulk away. He wouldn't fight for me. He's not a man. He's a child.

I'm angry at myself. But I have to change so I don't keep doing this forever. I'm not even going to ask him to come over anymore and see if he notices or even offers to get together. I mentioned that I was wanting to play pinball at one of those adult arcades. What do you want to bet he doesn't EVER take me. I'd be better off going by myself. 

Loving him fills me with hate and regret. Which are not things I want in my life.