Valentine's Zero

It's a bizarre feeling to be dating someone for months and then brace yourself to have NOTHING on Valentine's Day. No card, chocolate or even a visit. NOTHING. I got angry. I need and want attention and I have to deal with this. I bought some fuschia fabric that I imagined in a cute dress to wear for the day. But I didn't bother. It's not the first time I've been in this position.

I want it to be the last.

Weeks ago I asked for a big cupcake pillow from him. I still don't have it.

That night we had a long talk about him not reciprocating or making effort. He mentioned not being able to take the car whenever. I told him then he needs to have a back up plan. Like another way to get here. Because when he doesn't it's like someone else is in control of MY relationship. Like his mother decides when I get to see you and when I don't and that doesn't fly with me.

He said I was bordering on being disrespectful.

I didn't care. I needed to get it all out.

He'd visited the day before and stayed pretty late. But we didn't really talk. We watched Luke Cage. He hugged me tight and kissed me a bunch.

But in the Valentine's conversation he mentions that I am not the only one he's dealing with. He isn't sleeping with them but he sees other people. I don't know how. That pissed me off because he was always telling me he wanted to be number one. But then he's seeing other people. I have been trying to be honest and respectful of him, but I am tired. 

We planned to see Black Panther together. That would be our big date. 

Then tonight he tells me he may be seeing it with his family. His mom and sister and nieces and nephews. On the one hand it's his family. But on the other hand he's a grown man in a 8 month long relationship. He's planned to see it with me for months. I wondered if he even mentioned the plan to his family. Or if I am instantly expendable. THEY say they are doing something, and I am not a factor. Part of me gets it part of me is pissed because he abandon me AGAIN.

I wish I could win the lottery, have everything I want and just stop dealing with him.

There are two or three other guys who I could be sleeping with. But who will take me to the movies and spend time with me. I don't want to go alone. But I have done it a thousand times. That's the problem. I'm always doing things alone. 

I am tired of it. Or I am going out with gay guy friends. I'm tired.

Like I planned to go to a play with a guy friend over a month ago which falls on Saturday. I told him I was going. Then magically he's going to the movie with his family. But the next day. 

I wish I could meet a hot guy who was crazy about me. Has a car and wanted to spend lots of time with me. Taking me out and stuff. I would have no problem getting past the painter. I'm sick of not being a priority ever.

Not being thought of.

I have to start cleansing my feelings so I can ween myself off him. We haven't had sex in weeks so that won't be that difficult.

He makes me feel like I can't ask. If I ask he will make an excuse anyway.

He's like an old man. Your average red blooded american male when offered sex will get there by any means necessary. Not this one.

It's really beneath me.