One thing I have never in my life had was a photo of myself and my boyfriend. Once I had a Polaroid camera and took a picture with a guy I was sleeping with. I burned the picture a week later. There are no photos of me with men I loved. There is one, but we aren't in a relationship. He's half way around the world and might never return. He sort of knows how I feel, but not totally.
I feel I have to be someone else for him to love me.
I always thought ghosting was the rudest thing you could do to a person. It mostly happens when you meet someone on line and don't click after one or two dates. You stop talking to them. There were no feelings involved. Guys ghost after sex. They sell you this line about wanting to know you better and taking you out this weekend, then they ghost. I thought I'd never be that rude to anyone. There is mutual ghosting. But if it's mutual, is it really ghosting?
In this case even though we have been in contact for over a year, I ghosted. I felt it was appropriate. I am a ghost in his life anyway. Last in line. Not worth any effort. There isn't a single trace of his dumb ass anywhere. It's not hard getting rid of him. He text good morning once on Monday. I didn't answer. Nothing since. I'm sure his robot heart isn't the least bothered. He had to know it was coming. He predicted it would come to this. But because some other dude was better. It's better for him to think that.
No more guys with low self esteem
No more guys with nothing, regardless of where I am.
I always thought that because I am pretty much broke how can I judge someone for being in the same predicament. But I don't care anymore.
It seems like the main reason most guys are single. BROKE!
No more guys without transportation (car)
No more guys obsessed with their mothers
Because I haven't had components in place like my own place, a car and an income to go do things I accepted sex only situations instead. How dare I try to be in a relationship when I don't have any of these things. Then I had a car and not the other two. Then I had a place and not the other two. Once I get all three then I have to lose 100 lbs. I see this as the point when I can think I might be seen as dateable. Or relationship material. I feel overwhelmed by these. Because I want love today. Not five years from now. I don't want to hold it all in until these material things are in place. I am worthy today. I was worthy yesterday. I just can't seem to attract what I want. I attract bums. The unaware. The only able to see me as disposable.
I want and need much more.
I don't have any feelings for him. I am not craving him. I am not dying to hear his voice or see him. I don't miss him. I just feel foolish for even trying to love him. I didn't know about his condition right away. After I knew, somehow I thought I could charm him out of it. I can't. I give up. I'm moving on.
I'm trying to see what lesson I am supposed to learn from this. How wasting a year of my life is supposed to help me. I don't want to be this person who is constantly falling for guys who hate me. Or don't have the balls to be with me.
I don't want to keep picking the same unavailable man over and over again.
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