Poop story cont

I tossed and turned most of the night.

I left the TV on, and woke up to a story about a football player who freaked out beat and kidnapped his girlfriend, ran over some kids in her car and was put in prison. Long story short he was found hung in his cell after a scuffle with a bunkmate who tried to kill him in the night. He subdued the guy in a choke hold but the guy ended up dying. He went on trial for that. The guy who attacked him had a shank. The football player flushed it so the other guy wouldn't get in trouble for it. But because there was no shank it looked like he had been the aggressor. So he was going to get more time. So after that he was found dead. His mom said he was murdered because when they gave her his personal affects in a sock was a note in someone elses hand writing saying "did you hear the one about the football player who hung himself with a sheet in his cell."

It was so fucking depressing. I had to put on a different movie after so I wouldn't dream about that.

But all night the phrase 'poop schedule' kept popping in my head.

I am behind his poop schedule.

I am lower that his poop.

I have to worry about him having to poop after dinner then getting tired.

In my whole life I have never had something this childish said to me.

Men have given me all kinds of excuses. I could write a book of them.

THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE.

This is an all time low.

This is the lowest point of my dating life.

I'm dating a retard.

Yes, I know that word isn't PC. But there is no other way to put it.

Personality disorder. Syndrome, spectrum disorder.

He's a fucking child.

I've reached my limit. I can't do it anymore.

I broke up with him twice before and he was like 'That's unfortunate.' Like a robot.

He'll be like a robot again. 

I started wondering how much is syndrome, and how much is him being a hood rat. The kind of guy that is always withholding because it gives him power. 

He barely kisses me.

He barely holds my hand.

He's never taken me to eat.

He's never gone down on me

He's never bought me a gift.

He's never paid me a compliment

He's never attended one of my events

He's never invited me to one of his

He's never available when I need him.

He leaves me waiting and waiting and waiting.

I wish a guy who looked like him did everything opposite of him. Had a car and his own place, money for dates and concert tickets, and follow through. Takes me out once a week. Sees me two or three times a week. Isn't some bullshit mommas boy who talks a game but is a liar.

This is the bottom of the barrel for me. 

He acknowledged that he could lose me to someone else if he didn't get it together. But he's not actively trying to prevent that from happening.

It's as if his default setting is lose.

He's set to lose.

He does things on purpose so he will lose.

He doesn't try things.

He doesn't exert energy.

He doesn't rise to the occasion and grow.

He will never grow.

He's been trained not to.

He's the opposite of the man I want in my life.

I can't keep this up.

I'm ashamed I dealt with this for as long as I have.

I have become a cliche' dealing with him.

You truly can't love someone who loathes themselves.

It's pointless.

Most people loathe themselves.

That's why finding someone to have a HEALTHY relationship with is so hard.

You can find someone to be sick and sad with, in a snap.

But you who wants to grow with someone, be healthy and understood. 

Good fucking luck.

I need to actively break free.

If he wants to chase me. Fine. Ill let him.

But not one more drop of love.

Not one more ounce of energy.

Not one more sitting here waiting on him and he doesn't show.

I deserve better.

I deserve the world.

I deserve respect.

He doesn't know how.