Of course the day I decide to not text he calls me. He says "I'm gonna stop fucking with you." Of course my heart sank. I asked what he meant. He says 'You didn't wake me up this morning.' Oh that. Things are like they always were. He calls while he's working. But last night I said 'ok boo' and he said 'no boo, thanks'. So I said Ok Nobu. So now I will call him Nobu. He's acting like I can't be flirty and affectionate toward him. We will have to discuss that.
Anyhoo back to me.
I went to the doctor yesterday and got on the scale.
296 lbs.
my heart is broken. 4 more pounds and I will weigh 300lbs!
How did this happen????
Before I moved into my apartment I was 276. Now I have gained 20lbs. It was being depressed and eating tons of ice cream and pizza. Pizza rolls and wings. Doing what is easy rather than what is right. I think a car would keep me on the right track.
I am devastated. I was depressed for the rest of the day. I just started my TLC diet a week ago. This tells me I haven't lost a single pound. But I haven't changed my eating. I have had a 6 inch sub, chips and cookies every day last week. I ate some chocolates. I had a couple donuts. I have to drastically change how I eat if I want this weight to come off. I thought I would be one of those 20lbs a month women. But not having lost a pound is not a good start. I want to lose 146lbs. If I only did 5 lbs a month it would take me over 2 years to lose the weight. Could I be satisfied at 200? Probably.
I have to find a strategy that works. I can't keep failing. I want a relationship.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
Monday, December 10, 2018
Breaktime
I had to ship my first pair of sneakers today. I went to my counseling appointment, then after I was going to jump on the bus to main street to the job center to use the computer to print the shipping label. I walked outside and the street was blocked off by hasmat so the bus can't come through. So I had to walk through skid row to the office. I get there and all of my passwords don't work on the computer! I started to get upset. But then I said I guess now I have to break down and buy a printer. I got a lyft to the office supply store. They had one for $50. Ink and paper. I shipped the shoes from their shipping center. Took care of that. I had to lyft back to my house and drop off the printer then take the bus to work. Only three hours late.
I text the U up text I always do in the morning. I called when I was at the office supply store he didn't answer. He hasn't called or text all day. So I had to make a conscious decision to leave him alone for the rest of the week.
I think this is going to be the opposite of what I feel. How many times have I made love to a man I felt I could love only to have him totally abandon me. I am feeling that familiar he's left the building feeling. I have to spend the week getting over it. I was praying for someone who fit with me, who I could open my whole heart to and have his heart open to me. In 7 years I haven't felt like I wanted to have an actual relationship with someone. Until now. It took me by surprise. I found myself fantasizing about he and I being a couple. Travelling, building wealth together, being deeply and spiritually in love. But I have to let go of all of that. Because he is going to come back and take it all back. He's freaking out that he's lost me because we had sex. That if he tells me he doesn't want a relationship or to have sex again I won't be there anymore. He could be mourning our friendship. But what he doesn't understand is; it would be even better if we were a couple.
I know I love him.
But I can't be exposed.
I text the U up text I always do in the morning. I called when I was at the office supply store he didn't answer. He hasn't called or text all day. So I had to make a conscious decision to leave him alone for the rest of the week.
I think this is going to be the opposite of what I feel. How many times have I made love to a man I felt I could love only to have him totally abandon me. I am feeling that familiar he's left the building feeling. I have to spend the week getting over it. I was praying for someone who fit with me, who I could open my whole heart to and have his heart open to me. In 7 years I haven't felt like I wanted to have an actual relationship with someone. Until now. It took me by surprise. I found myself fantasizing about he and I being a couple. Travelling, building wealth together, being deeply and spiritually in love. But I have to let go of all of that. Because he is going to come back and take it all back. He's freaking out that he's lost me because we had sex. That if he tells me he doesn't want a relationship or to have sex again I won't be there anymore. He could be mourning our friendship. But what he doesn't understand is; it would be even better if we were a couple.
I know I love him.
But I can't be exposed.
Weekend Warrior
The next day I was so tired I felt like crying. I only got two hours of sleep. He slept on my side of the bed so I had to crawl over him when my alarm went off. I got dressed and he slept. Normally the next morning I like to have morning sex then make breakfast, but there was no time for that. I was overwhelmed with tiredness and emotions.
I woke him up and he got dressed quickly and took me to work. We didn't talk the whole way there. I fought the urge to touch his leg as he drove. I was still in shock. We stopped so I could get lunch, then he took me to the front door of work. I gave him a kiss. He told me last night was like a fantasy. I said it was for me too. All day I thought about him. I had to leave to go to Hollywood and the traffic was insane it took two hours to get there on the bus. I was a wreck by the time I got there. The show went well, smooth. But by the end I was loopy. I went home and slept. R and I text through the day but we were both working so we didn't get a chance to talk. He was as tired as I was.
Saturday I had to spend the whole day in Hollywood at the theater. We text more back and forth. He left voice mails which when I listened to his voice I smiled. I was burnt by the end of the night. I got home late and crashed. Sunday I had one day. Two shows. R had church then an event where a friend of his was screening a movie. Then he would drive some. I text him my movements then when I got home. It was ten when I got home. I text that I was laying down. I fell asleep right away. I got up around 12:30am to go to the bathroom and saw he text at 12:15 that he was wrapping up driving and going to bed he'd talk to me later and nite nite.
I am anxious.
I am a little scared. That I made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have let it happen. I should have said NO and made him leave. But I wanted him so badly. I want to be in love with him. I have never fit this way with a man in my life. I have never had this kind of synergy with someone. I want to love him completely. I want that chance. But I have to wait to see him again.
so anxious.
I woke him up and he got dressed quickly and took me to work. We didn't talk the whole way there. I fought the urge to touch his leg as he drove. I was still in shock. We stopped so I could get lunch, then he took me to the front door of work. I gave him a kiss. He told me last night was like a fantasy. I said it was for me too. All day I thought about him. I had to leave to go to Hollywood and the traffic was insane it took two hours to get there on the bus. I was a wreck by the time I got there. The show went well, smooth. But by the end I was loopy. I went home and slept. R and I text through the day but we were both working so we didn't get a chance to talk. He was as tired as I was.
Saturday I had to spend the whole day in Hollywood at the theater. We text more back and forth. He left voice mails which when I listened to his voice I smiled. I was burnt by the end of the night. I got home late and crashed. Sunday I had one day. Two shows. R had church then an event where a friend of his was screening a movie. Then he would drive some. I text him my movements then when I got home. It was ten when I got home. I text that I was laying down. I fell asleep right away. I got up around 12:30am to go to the bathroom and saw he text at 12:15 that he was wrapping up driving and going to bed he'd talk to me later and nite nite.
I am anxious.
I am a little scared. That I made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have let it happen. I should have said NO and made him leave. But I wanted him so badly. I want to be in love with him. I have never fit this way with a man in my life. I have never had this kind of synergy with someone. I want to love him completely. I want that chance. But I have to wait to see him again.
so anxious.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Am I dreaming?
I figured out my paypal is hooked to my bank account, so the money was coming out of my bank account. I went to Norwalk only to be told that they were closed because of an ex presidents death. Wasted money. Anger. Then pay day got moved a day back too.
So I made a point to talk to R about his escalating. I got really honest about my feelings too. I explained myself clearly. I felt an attraction vibe over the phone. I thought since I told him clearly how his obsessive flirting and sexual talking made me feel. I basically said shut it down or bring it. Knowing he would totally back off and keep his distance. I invited him over the next night for soup and salads. I set the table and made soup with garlic. We ate and talked. I had to be to work early the next day because I had to go to Hollywood to help out with the show.
He and I always spend hours listening to music. That is a happy place for me. He wanted to touch my hair. I was afraid to touch him. We end up on my bed listening to mellow songs. Some r & b. We sang some. Then I pulled out super old Prince albums. I played him songs he'd never heard before. I played the first and second albums and then it happened. His hands were all over me. I was confused and incredibly tired. I had been up since 5am. I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed, but he kept touching me. Then kissing my stomach. Then my breasts. Then me. We were making out to 'when we're dancing close and slow'. It was like a dream. I was so tired I couldn't really grasp what was happening. Then I would and I would internally freak out. One of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life is kissing me! I never get kissed by the guy I have a crush on. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I couldn't gather my emotions. I wanted to stop him and ask what we were doing. Where was this going. I felt like I was falling in love. I let myself fall. I felt like I always wanted him but would never get him. It was happening. He is so beautiful. I can't believe he was in my bed. I was making love to someone I thought was off limits. Like I would be kidding myself thinking I would have a chance. I feel like I am in shock. I feel like I am in love too. I want to tell everyone I am in love. I don't know how he feels. He says cute things about fighting over me. I wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him. To be loved by him. To be in love with him. To build with him. I feel so many things. If I have to only have last night, I am fine with that too. He's a big chunk of my life now though. We talk on the phone a lot. We laugh a lot too. He gives me joy. I can't believe we made love. I can't believe he devoured me the way he did. He said it was a fantasy. I would say something like that. I want more.
And more. I want to go deeper and deeper with him.
So I made a point to talk to R about his escalating. I got really honest about my feelings too. I explained myself clearly. I felt an attraction vibe over the phone. I thought since I told him clearly how his obsessive flirting and sexual talking made me feel. I basically said shut it down or bring it. Knowing he would totally back off and keep his distance. I invited him over the next night for soup and salads. I set the table and made soup with garlic. We ate and talked. I had to be to work early the next day because I had to go to Hollywood to help out with the show.
He and I always spend hours listening to music. That is a happy place for me. He wanted to touch my hair. I was afraid to touch him. We end up on my bed listening to mellow songs. Some r & b. We sang some. Then I pulled out super old Prince albums. I played him songs he'd never heard before. I played the first and second albums and then it happened. His hands were all over me. I was confused and incredibly tired. I had been up since 5am. I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed, but he kept touching me. Then kissing my stomach. Then my breasts. Then me. We were making out to 'when we're dancing close and slow'. It was like a dream. I was so tired I couldn't really grasp what was happening. Then I would and I would internally freak out. One of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life is kissing me! I never get kissed by the guy I have a crush on. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I couldn't gather my emotions. I wanted to stop him and ask what we were doing. Where was this going. I felt like I was falling in love. I let myself fall. I felt like I always wanted him but would never get him. It was happening. He is so beautiful. I can't believe he was in my bed. I was making love to someone I thought was off limits. Like I would be kidding myself thinking I would have a chance. I feel like I am in shock. I feel like I am in love too. I want to tell everyone I am in love. I don't know how he feels. He says cute things about fighting over me. I wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him. To be loved by him. To be in love with him. To build with him. I feel so many things. If I have to only have last night, I am fine with that too. He's a big chunk of my life now though. We talk on the phone a lot. We laugh a lot too. He gives me joy. I can't believe we made love. I can't believe he devoured me the way he did. He said it was a fantasy. I would say something like that. I want more.
And more. I want to go deeper and deeper with him.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Breathing
FINALLY!
I got paid and it was glorious!
I was overwhelmed with emotion. There was a wig store by my job, I went in and got the fluffiest wig I could find. They have the same one in blue which I think I might get. I like wearing blue at Christmas time.
I also FINALLY purchased the TLC weight loss plan! I have been waiting 2 years to get it and I finally did! I was so excited. I did my first full day and this morning I took the biggest crap I have ever taken in my entire life. I thought the toilet would clog from it it was so huge. PLUS I didn't crave sugar. I hope that continues! I went and got healthy food after work too. Salad for lunch. I am so grateful! I can't wait to really get deep into it. I have never felt so happy! I am so happy I can't even put it into words. I am praising GOD all day because I feel my life is changing for the best. I feel blessed. I want to be down 20 in four weeks. I should probably buy a scale. At my last weigh in the scale said 290. Which I don't really think was completely accurate. But we will go with that number. That means I have 140 to lose. 7 months on the program will do that for me. I will do everything in my power to reach my goal. I want my body back! I have been struggling for 25 years with my weight. I finally feel like I made a breakthrough.
R is escalating.
I took a picture of my new hair and sent it to him. He said "you look like you are trying to get your bones jumped." He was going on and on about it and saying that I was HIS. He is confusing me! Does he want to date me or is he just playing around? He has a bunch of the qualities I want in a man, I just don't know what he is like emotionally. If he is stable and honest or not. He makes a lot of jokes, but I know why I do it. Why does he do it.
I have to go to Norwalk to get my voter registration paper to take to the post office to get my post office box. It was a nightmare trying to get it. Somehow when I take a lyft, my paypal account pays for it. Even though there isn't money in it. I will take lyft to the place and to work. The bus ride is too crazy. Once I get my PO box then I can start ordering my items off line. Building my looks and my life. Plus get sneakers to sell.
I AM SO EXCITED!
I got paid and it was glorious!
I was overwhelmed with emotion. There was a wig store by my job, I went in and got the fluffiest wig I could find. They have the same one in blue which I think I might get. I like wearing blue at Christmas time.
I also FINALLY purchased the TLC weight loss plan! I have been waiting 2 years to get it and I finally did! I was so excited. I did my first full day and this morning I took the biggest crap I have ever taken in my entire life. I thought the toilet would clog from it it was so huge. PLUS I didn't crave sugar. I hope that continues! I went and got healthy food after work too. Salad for lunch. I am so grateful! I can't wait to really get deep into it. I have never felt so happy! I am so happy I can't even put it into words. I am praising GOD all day because I feel my life is changing for the best. I feel blessed. I want to be down 20 in four weeks. I should probably buy a scale. At my last weigh in the scale said 290. Which I don't really think was completely accurate. But we will go with that number. That means I have 140 to lose. 7 months on the program will do that for me. I will do everything in my power to reach my goal. I want my body back! I have been struggling for 25 years with my weight. I finally feel like I made a breakthrough.
R is escalating.
I took a picture of my new hair and sent it to him. He said "you look like you are trying to get your bones jumped." He was going on and on about it and saying that I was HIS. He is confusing me! Does he want to date me or is he just playing around? He has a bunch of the qualities I want in a man, I just don't know what he is like emotionally. If he is stable and honest or not. He makes a lot of jokes, but I know why I do it. Why does he do it.
I have to go to Norwalk to get my voter registration paper to take to the post office to get my post office box. It was a nightmare trying to get it. Somehow when I take a lyft, my paypal account pays for it. Even though there isn't money in it. I will take lyft to the place and to work. The bus ride is too crazy. Once I get my PO box then I can start ordering my items off line. Building my looks and my life. Plus get sneakers to sell.
I AM SO EXCITED!
Friday, November 23, 2018
Anticipation pt 2
So here we are the Friday I am supposed to get paid.
NOTHING!
But it wasn't just me. None of us got paid. We think it's because of the holiday.
It really doesn't help how I feel. My hair is a hot ass mess. So are my nails. Plus I have no food left. Well, I have a pack of ribs. I was looking forward to breathing that sigh of relief when I saw the money in my account. To be able to plan my day and look forward to my future. I wanted to order my diet plan today when I got home. That didn't happen. Tomorrow is Saturday. Part of me feels like I will go the whole weekend without seeing my paycheck. I will check my account again at midnight and pray that it's there.
NOTHING!
But it wasn't just me. None of us got paid. We think it's because of the holiday.
It really doesn't help how I feel. My hair is a hot ass mess. So are my nails. Plus I have no food left. Well, I have a pack of ribs. I was looking forward to breathing that sigh of relief when I saw the money in my account. To be able to plan my day and look forward to my future. I wanted to order my diet plan today when I got home. That didn't happen. Tomorrow is Saturday. Part of me feels like I will go the whole weekend without seeing my paycheck. I will check my account again at midnight and pray that it's there.
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Anticipation
It's raining and the middle of the night Thanksgiving morning. I have to work a few hours today. Hope the rain stops by the time it's time to go.
I get paid this friday my first check.
I will finally get the diet plan I have wanted the past year and get cracking on it. I will be able to lose all of the weight provided I stay consistent with it for the next four to five months.
I will be able to do my nails.
Get a new wig.
Go to the movies and lunch.
I am anxious because I am selling my first pair of sneakers too. I can't stop thinking about buying 2 pair of all whites and flipping them for $600 each then buying 2 more and so on and so on. I can be on my way to my real self in no time.
Of course I spend hours collecting stuff 'I want' but it's more about inspiration.
I have noticed something about work. People are really pretty bland. Is that the job or is that them? Either way, I find myself not wanting to be my wild me there. Just a really toned down version. Maybe some cute sneakers. But not any crazy punk shit or wild ass jogger sets. Purple hair and stuff.
I have to get a car! It's making me seriously mental being on the bus this long. The SMELL! I just got new headphones yesterday so now I can drown out the noise and the people. But the odors are really getting to me. Then there's the walking around the massive building at work. OVER IT!
I have to go hard with on line selling to get to my goals. I have to get the money for the tax lien coaching sessions too. I think a car is first. How am I going to get to the properties without one?
I have to prepare a whole power point presentation with a commercial for my business plan. What a fucking grind because I don't have access to any of the software I need. I have to go to the valley and spend like 12 hours doing it. I have to write out a paper plan to follow. I wish that bitch wouldn't have stolen my hard drive with all my work on it. I don't have access to any of the files. I don't believe in the cloud. TO me that's the perfect place to get all your shit stolen.
I have a lot on my plate. But today I felt like it's been ages since I felt glamourous. Like put together head to toe. I feel like I have been suffering. Even this wig I have been wearing to work looks a hot ass mess. I stopped trying. I can't wait till I am getting paid every week and can get a new week every week. I am also planning my Christmas outfit. Chanel Punk. I hope I can pull it off. I have to sketch it out.
I really want to make Ro a great present. It's embarrassing I started that crenolin like 5 months ago and ran out of fabric so it hung in the closet half done. I have to finish.
I want one too.
I can't stop dreaming of new clothes, shoes, bags, car, neighborhood and life.
I get paid this friday my first check.
I will finally get the diet plan I have wanted the past year and get cracking on it. I will be able to lose all of the weight provided I stay consistent with it for the next four to five months.
I will be able to do my nails.
Get a new wig.
Go to the movies and lunch.
I am anxious because I am selling my first pair of sneakers too. I can't stop thinking about buying 2 pair of all whites and flipping them for $600 each then buying 2 more and so on and so on. I can be on my way to my real self in no time.
Of course I spend hours collecting stuff 'I want' but it's more about inspiration.
I have noticed something about work. People are really pretty bland. Is that the job or is that them? Either way, I find myself not wanting to be my wild me there. Just a really toned down version. Maybe some cute sneakers. But not any crazy punk shit or wild ass jogger sets. Purple hair and stuff.
I have to get a car! It's making me seriously mental being on the bus this long. The SMELL! I just got new headphones yesterday so now I can drown out the noise and the people. But the odors are really getting to me. Then there's the walking around the massive building at work. OVER IT!
I have to go hard with on line selling to get to my goals. I have to get the money for the tax lien coaching sessions too. I think a car is first. How am I going to get to the properties without one?
I have to prepare a whole power point presentation with a commercial for my business plan. What a fucking grind because I don't have access to any of the software I need. I have to go to the valley and spend like 12 hours doing it. I have to write out a paper plan to follow. I wish that bitch wouldn't have stolen my hard drive with all my work on it. I don't have access to any of the files. I don't believe in the cloud. TO me that's the perfect place to get all your shit stolen.
I have a lot on my plate. But today I felt like it's been ages since I felt glamourous. Like put together head to toe. I feel like I have been suffering. Even this wig I have been wearing to work looks a hot ass mess. I stopped trying. I can't wait till I am getting paid every week and can get a new week every week. I am also planning my Christmas outfit. Chanel Punk. I hope I can pull it off. I have to sketch it out.
I really want to make Ro a great present. It's embarrassing I started that crenolin like 5 months ago and ran out of fabric so it hung in the closet half done. I have to finish.
I want one too.
I can't stop dreaming of new clothes, shoes, bags, car, neighborhood and life.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
....and we are back
R and I had been getting along well. Hanging out, talking on the phone every other day.
But then I mentioned a curly wig Halle Berry had on on a film and how it was cute and I wanted it. He went off on a tangent about how I should wear my hair natural. Again. I told him to back off and get back in his lane. He wouldn't stop talking. It makes me really angry. Like he's trying to control me. Or trying to make me unattractive to a segment of the male population, or stiffing my creativity. If I wore it, it would be for a few days, till I got bored, then I would change it again. But mostly it's about money. It costs money to maintain natural hair in a way that is flattering and pretty. I feel intense hatred towards him when he talks about my hair. To the point I want to sever our friendship. I know that it's extreme but that is how angry it makes me. I won't tolerate a man (who isn't my husband) telling me what to do with my hair. My husband will know better than to do this anyway. I haven't liked my hair in months because I haven't had an income really to get anything I like.
I think I got a job for a few months I'll make $500 a week. So I will be able to afford to get the hair I want again. Stock up. Get the matching sneakers. New joggers, new jackets. The come up. Hopefully be able to score a car before it gets too cold in these streets.
But then I mentioned a curly wig Halle Berry had on on a film and how it was cute and I wanted it. He went off on a tangent about how I should wear my hair natural. Again. I told him to back off and get back in his lane. He wouldn't stop talking. It makes me really angry. Like he's trying to control me. Or trying to make me unattractive to a segment of the male population, or stiffing my creativity. If I wore it, it would be for a few days, till I got bored, then I would change it again. But mostly it's about money. It costs money to maintain natural hair in a way that is flattering and pretty. I feel intense hatred towards him when he talks about my hair. To the point I want to sever our friendship. I know that it's extreme but that is how angry it makes me. I won't tolerate a man (who isn't my husband) telling me what to do with my hair. My husband will know better than to do this anyway. I haven't liked my hair in months because I haven't had an income really to get anything I like.
I think I got a job for a few months I'll make $500 a week. So I will be able to afford to get the hair I want again. Stock up. Get the matching sneakers. New joggers, new jackets. The come up. Hopefully be able to score a car before it gets too cold in these streets.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Waves
It's been months since I have felt pretty. Put together. Put an outfit together and felt like WOW! I haven't done my hair and felt brand new in forever. I have been trying to master crochet hair but haven't quite yet. The ladies on youtube look the way I want to look, but when I do it I look crazy. Like a puff ball.
I started wearing shorter hair I think because of the heat. But I don't like it too short because then I don't like how I look because my face is so round. When I used to do my long wigs I could conceal some of my roundness and create angles. Now not so much. I am craving long hair again. But part of me feels like I am too old to pull it off.
I am also craving a style change for my clothes. I am trapped in skirt and t shirt land. I bought the rhinestone slip ons a few months ago and felt a little new. But now it's the end of the summer and there is a crack in one.
I keep thinking of my brand new life. Having a thousand dollars to go shopping with. Buying quality wigs, and shoes and being able to finally express myself the way I see in my dreams. To lose all the weight and get my knee fixed and wear heels again. Feel gorgeous and powerful. Not like a waddling old woman.
I got an extra $100 on my card so the first thing I did was buy some curly hair off a website. It will be here tomorrow. I will make a wig out of it. Hopefully it will give me a breath of fresh air and inspiration. It's burgundy and long and curly. The picture of it was so gorgeous. I wanted to look like that. I feel conflicted that I am so anxious about my looks. I felt like I can't try and get something going with R until I change how I look. I still don't know how I feel about him anyway. Some days I feel something, some days he's super annoying. But I guess your partner will be annoying sometimes. We are friends first too. I just feel like I should be prettier. More polished. Have a car. He spends all kinds of time on the phone with me. No guy does that.
I started wearing shorter hair I think because of the heat. But I don't like it too short because then I don't like how I look because my face is so round. When I used to do my long wigs I could conceal some of my roundness and create angles. Now not so much. I am craving long hair again. But part of me feels like I am too old to pull it off.
I am also craving a style change for my clothes. I am trapped in skirt and t shirt land. I bought the rhinestone slip ons a few months ago and felt a little new. But now it's the end of the summer and there is a crack in one.
I keep thinking of my brand new life. Having a thousand dollars to go shopping with. Buying quality wigs, and shoes and being able to finally express myself the way I see in my dreams. To lose all the weight and get my knee fixed and wear heels again. Feel gorgeous and powerful. Not like a waddling old woman.
I got an extra $100 on my card so the first thing I did was buy some curly hair off a website. It will be here tomorrow. I will make a wig out of it. Hopefully it will give me a breath of fresh air and inspiration. It's burgundy and long and curly. The picture of it was so gorgeous. I wanted to look like that. I feel conflicted that I am so anxious about my looks. I felt like I can't try and get something going with R until I change how I look. I still don't know how I feel about him anyway. Some days I feel something, some days he's super annoying. But I guess your partner will be annoying sometimes. We are friends first too. I just feel like I should be prettier. More polished. Have a car. He spends all kinds of time on the phone with me. No guy does that.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Waiting to land on the other side
There have been a dozen speed bumps. I was waiting to get paid from my GR check to buy shoes. Then come to find out I won't be getting one. Only $35. Then I am cut off for the rest of the year. Which is fine because my business will be up and running by then. So fuck em.
But finding that there would be no check sent me into a tailspin. I had a breakdown. How will I pay my phone bill? How will I get my bus pass? How will by buy soap? Do laundry? I told Ro what was happening and she offered to help out. So she replaced what I would have gotten. I was relieved beyond belief.
I made plans to by shoes. But the factory was on holiday till the 1st. So I waited two days. Then the first came. I got busy with errands, and getting my business loan application. I was really overwhelmed with that because I don't have a printer at home and had to go to the library to print. Then naturally when I got there there was a problem with the printer. So I would have to come back the next day to print the 13 page application.
At midnight on the 1st I got a notification that $99 was taken out of my account for office 365 software! I freaked out! I had to spend an hour cancelling the subscription and getting the money back to my account, which could take up to 7 days. I didn't want to wait another 7 days to buy my starter shoes. UGH! Luckily I got the money back right away.
Then I contacted to seller on line to buy. I was going to western union on line, and NATURALLY my card wouldn't work on line!!! So I have to go into the office in person to do the western union today. Hopefully it will go through without me having to withdraw cash from an ATM.
I am excited to begin the process of selling sneakers on line. I want to get funding so I can buy more stock and have several thousand by the holidays. I need to go see my mom and get her squared away.
I went to the movies with my friends last night and invited my friend Rob to go with. We had a great time and stayed out really late. We got a free pizza from the pizza place because when we got there they were closing and they had a pie someone didn't come pick up.
I have been having an intense hair crisis for months. I have been trying to do crochet wigs and they all turn out looking like big puff balls. I haven't been doing the technique right. The wig looks good on the wig head, but when I put it on I look like a crazy person. I figured out what I was doing wrong, so I will start another wig this week. But I miss buying a wig that I like that is flattering and makes me feel pretty. I had been buying these short wigs because it's so hot out, but they are so unflattering. I bought one and I named it moms mabely because that's what I feel I look like when I wear it. Moms almost always work a fishermen's cap over her wig. But I could imagine what her hair looked like. I want to look the opposite of how I look. I take pictures when I am with my friends, and I always feel ugly. I want to look at a picture and feel pretty. Feel happy about my looks and body. I want to have shoes that flatter my legs, hair that is sexy, skin that glows without an inch of makeup. A dancers body back. For three months I have been eating whatever. My logic has been that I will start selling shoes, make money then invest $160 in this weight loss plan I have been following for the past year. If I dropped 50lbs I would feel lots better. But I have to lose like 120. When I look in the mirror I can only see 50 that I need to lose. When I make money I can afford $15 a week for dance classes. But I have to have a car to get there. I feel like my life has been on hold for 50 years, and I am finally going to know what it feels like to be free. People say stuff like 'I want my life back', but I have never had a life to begin with to get back. This will be the first time having one. I feel like I'll be a beast about it too. Making up for lost time. I hate feeling like I am invisible the way I am. That I have to change in order to have the life I want. I hate looking at myself in pictures and being disappointed. I hate that when men talk to me they are BUMS. Only BUMS. I want to have a car, and be gorgeous and guys that have something to offer and are good looking and NOT BUMS want to talk to me. I want Jay to see me and be knocked out.
- chin and neck done
- boobs lifted
- knee done with stem cells
- skin evened and cleared
- teeth straightened and whitened
- 120 lbs lost
an amazing wardrobe and lots of cool hair.
I want to have an incredible Christmas this year.
But finding that there would be no check sent me into a tailspin. I had a breakdown. How will I pay my phone bill? How will I get my bus pass? How will by buy soap? Do laundry? I told Ro what was happening and she offered to help out. So she replaced what I would have gotten. I was relieved beyond belief.
I made plans to by shoes. But the factory was on holiday till the 1st. So I waited two days. Then the first came. I got busy with errands, and getting my business loan application. I was really overwhelmed with that because I don't have a printer at home and had to go to the library to print. Then naturally when I got there there was a problem with the printer. So I would have to come back the next day to print the 13 page application.
At midnight on the 1st I got a notification that $99 was taken out of my account for office 365 software! I freaked out! I had to spend an hour cancelling the subscription and getting the money back to my account, which could take up to 7 days. I didn't want to wait another 7 days to buy my starter shoes. UGH! Luckily I got the money back right away.
Then I contacted to seller on line to buy. I was going to western union on line, and NATURALLY my card wouldn't work on line!!! So I have to go into the office in person to do the western union today. Hopefully it will go through without me having to withdraw cash from an ATM.
I am excited to begin the process of selling sneakers on line. I want to get funding so I can buy more stock and have several thousand by the holidays. I need to go see my mom and get her squared away.
I went to the movies with my friends last night and invited my friend Rob to go with. We had a great time and stayed out really late. We got a free pizza from the pizza place because when we got there they were closing and they had a pie someone didn't come pick up.
I have been having an intense hair crisis for months. I have been trying to do crochet wigs and they all turn out looking like big puff balls. I haven't been doing the technique right. The wig looks good on the wig head, but when I put it on I look like a crazy person. I figured out what I was doing wrong, so I will start another wig this week. But I miss buying a wig that I like that is flattering and makes me feel pretty. I had been buying these short wigs because it's so hot out, but they are so unflattering. I bought one and I named it moms mabely because that's what I feel I look like when I wear it. Moms almost always work a fishermen's cap over her wig. But I could imagine what her hair looked like. I want to look the opposite of how I look. I take pictures when I am with my friends, and I always feel ugly. I want to look at a picture and feel pretty. Feel happy about my looks and body. I want to have shoes that flatter my legs, hair that is sexy, skin that glows without an inch of makeup. A dancers body back. For three months I have been eating whatever. My logic has been that I will start selling shoes, make money then invest $160 in this weight loss plan I have been following for the past year. If I dropped 50lbs I would feel lots better. But I have to lose like 120. When I look in the mirror I can only see 50 that I need to lose. When I make money I can afford $15 a week for dance classes. But I have to have a car to get there. I feel like my life has been on hold for 50 years, and I am finally going to know what it feels like to be free. People say stuff like 'I want my life back', but I have never had a life to begin with to get back. This will be the first time having one. I feel like I'll be a beast about it too. Making up for lost time. I hate feeling like I am invisible the way I am. That I have to change in order to have the life I want. I hate looking at myself in pictures and being disappointed. I hate that when men talk to me they are BUMS. Only BUMS. I want to have a car, and be gorgeous and guys that have something to offer and are good looking and NOT BUMS want to talk to me. I want Jay to see me and be knocked out.
- chin and neck done
- boobs lifted
- knee done with stem cells
- skin evened and cleared
- teeth straightened and whitened
- 120 lbs lost
an amazing wardrobe and lots of cool hair.
I want to have an incredible Christmas this year.
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
BREAKTHROUGH!!!
THE BREAKTHROUGH technically happened.
I got my sellers licence. But I haven't purchased my first pair of sneakers to flip yet. The ones I want that fetch a high price are over $100. I had saved $50. I had to spend $20 in an emergency. I am trying to sell things on a site from my closet to make the money I need, to get my first pair and get in the game.
Rob and I attended the tax lien class for three days. That changed my life forever. FOREVER! I can't go back. I can't ever go back to working for an hourly wage after being in that class for three days. I want to 'flip paper' and get money for their master class which is $40,000. But they teach you how to flip houses in the field. That's how people become millionaires and part of the 1%
I learned how the 1% gets there and how they use tax codes to stay rich. I have been lied to my entire life. It's no one's fault; it's just the way society is set up. To keep some people working to keep the 1% rich. Knowing what I know now. I can't go back.
MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED! My entire reality has shifted.
If I could make my first sneaker sale I would be very happy. It would be the real beginning.
I am contemplating getting on the street team to make $150 so I can get my first real pair so I can make $600. Take out $300 and flip it into $1,200. Why wouldn't I do that. I can't sit still. I am too pumped.
but on the other front. On the end of the second day Rob tells me he pretty much has a girlfriend in Atlanta that he's "most likely going to marry." I felt like he was trying to gauge how I would react to the information. I didn't. I just talked to him openly about her. But I didn't ask any questions, because I didn't want to know. But the thing is he seems like he wants my attention. He wants a lot of women's attention. He keeps referring to K like I am dating him. I am not. It's frustrating.
The thing is this. Rob wants attention, but for no reason. I wish I was spending time with someone who I actually was dating. Who I actually have feelings for. Instead of giving off the impression that I am in a relationship when I really am not. For instance when we went to the class over the weekend. There were a few very attractive men there, and they would check me out, but it seemed as if Rob and I were a couple, so they kept their distance. I felt like approaching them would be incredibly awkward because of the optics. I would look like I was 'stepping out in front of my man's face'. I started to think what if Rob actually does like me, that would hurt his feelings. But then he dropped the fiance bomb on me and I'd wished I'd spoken to these men anyway.
If I work the programs I have I could be a millionaire in a year. This is doing my head in, but in a good way. The best way. Everything I ever wanted could come true and then some.
ITS ALL UP TO ME!
I got my sellers licence. But I haven't purchased my first pair of sneakers to flip yet. The ones I want that fetch a high price are over $100. I had saved $50. I had to spend $20 in an emergency. I am trying to sell things on a site from my closet to make the money I need, to get my first pair and get in the game.
Rob and I attended the tax lien class for three days. That changed my life forever. FOREVER! I can't go back. I can't ever go back to working for an hourly wage after being in that class for three days. I want to 'flip paper' and get money for their master class which is $40,000. But they teach you how to flip houses in the field. That's how people become millionaires and part of the 1%
I learned how the 1% gets there and how they use tax codes to stay rich. I have been lied to my entire life. It's no one's fault; it's just the way society is set up. To keep some people working to keep the 1% rich. Knowing what I know now. I can't go back.
MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED! My entire reality has shifted.
If I could make my first sneaker sale I would be very happy. It would be the real beginning.
I am contemplating getting on the street team to make $150 so I can get my first real pair so I can make $600. Take out $300 and flip it into $1,200. Why wouldn't I do that. I can't sit still. I am too pumped.
but on the other front. On the end of the second day Rob tells me he pretty much has a girlfriend in Atlanta that he's "most likely going to marry." I felt like he was trying to gauge how I would react to the information. I didn't. I just talked to him openly about her. But I didn't ask any questions, because I didn't want to know. But the thing is he seems like he wants my attention. He wants a lot of women's attention. He keeps referring to K like I am dating him. I am not. It's frustrating.
The thing is this. Rob wants attention, but for no reason. I wish I was spending time with someone who I actually was dating. Who I actually have feelings for. Instead of giving off the impression that I am in a relationship when I really am not. For instance when we went to the class over the weekend. There were a few very attractive men there, and they would check me out, but it seemed as if Rob and I were a couple, so they kept their distance. I felt like approaching them would be incredibly awkward because of the optics. I would look like I was 'stepping out in front of my man's face'. I started to think what if Rob actually does like me, that would hurt his feelings. But then he dropped the fiance bomb on me and I'd wished I'd spoken to these men anyway.
If I work the programs I have I could be a millionaire in a year. This is doing my head in, but in a good way. The best way. Everything I ever wanted could come true and then some.
ITS ALL UP TO ME!
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Only them
I had dinner with K last night after our event. I mentioned the chocolate cake incident to him. He was of course team Rob saying that I should have eaten the cake and thanked him for it. He was trying to do a nice thing. Yeah, but it was vegan cake. I ate as much as I could, till I couldn't anymore. The message that I got was 'pretend you like it so you don't hurt his feelings.' Which is a theme of womanhood all over the world. Don't hurt a man's feelings. Be uncomfortable, inconvenienced, unsatisfied, short changed, and accept less because you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Again, Rob and I are not dating! He is a friend. Why must I behave in a way that a girlfriend would?
Rob continually crosses boundaries with me as well, and I am starting to really not be that crazy about it. He made jokes on speaker phone to a person in Atlanta about picking me up from my job at the strip club. Really wasn't feeling that.
He asked where I was coming from the other day. I don't like when he asks where I have been. That's a boyfriend question. I may have said clinic. He took it and ran and then we were talking about me being at the gynecologist office. Inappropriate.
There was the hair conversation / debate. Not his place ever. Boyfriend or not.
Then today it was 'I bet you are bossy in bed.' "yall need to know when to shut up and take it." Too far. I tried to have a casual attitude, and laugh stuff off. But now I am getting tired of him consistently crossing boundaries. He doesn't have a clue what I am like intimately. At all. I got angry that he would assume something about me. He is the one that is always bossy, not me. It's like he likes me, but doesn't want to come out an say he does, and say he wants to date me. It's like he is playing games with me, trying extract information without asking clear pointed questions. I am getting to the point where I feel like I have to sit him down and talk this out with him, because it's getting to be problematic; and making me feel some type of way toward him.
But it seems like this is the state of black men and women. We can't communicate. We criticize. Men are taught subconsciously that they are above reproach. They are not to be questioned. If I talk to him about how what he says makes me feel, that's a 'see, that's why you aint got a man' moment. I get tired of when I tell a man no, being attacked. If I have boundaries, I am being a bitch or frigid. I don't like when men use you as entertainment. They want to know all your business, know about your sex life and the like but still put you in the friend zone. I don't play that shit. I have had tons of male friends over the years, and they respect the boundaries that I set. This one here is acting like he has a crush and doesn't want to man up about it. He calls me 2 and 3 times a day sometimes. A boyfriend does that. If we aren't dating, I don't want to talk to you three times in one day. I aint feening for you like that.
Again, Rob and I are not dating! He is a friend. Why must I behave in a way that a girlfriend would?
Rob continually crosses boundaries with me as well, and I am starting to really not be that crazy about it. He made jokes on speaker phone to a person in Atlanta about picking me up from my job at the strip club. Really wasn't feeling that.
He asked where I was coming from the other day. I don't like when he asks where I have been. That's a boyfriend question. I may have said clinic. He took it and ran and then we were talking about me being at the gynecologist office. Inappropriate.
There was the hair conversation / debate. Not his place ever. Boyfriend or not.
Then today it was 'I bet you are bossy in bed.' "yall need to know when to shut up and take it." Too far. I tried to have a casual attitude, and laugh stuff off. But now I am getting tired of him consistently crossing boundaries. He doesn't have a clue what I am like intimately. At all. I got angry that he would assume something about me. He is the one that is always bossy, not me. It's like he likes me, but doesn't want to come out an say he does, and say he wants to date me. It's like he is playing games with me, trying extract information without asking clear pointed questions. I am getting to the point where I feel like I have to sit him down and talk this out with him, because it's getting to be problematic; and making me feel some type of way toward him.
But it seems like this is the state of black men and women. We can't communicate. We criticize. Men are taught subconsciously that they are above reproach. They are not to be questioned. If I talk to him about how what he says makes me feel, that's a 'see, that's why you aint got a man' moment. I get tired of when I tell a man no, being attacked. If I have boundaries, I am being a bitch or frigid. I don't like when men use you as entertainment. They want to know all your business, know about your sex life and the like but still put you in the friend zone. I don't play that shit. I have had tons of male friends over the years, and they respect the boundaries that I set. This one here is acting like he has a crush and doesn't want to man up about it. He calls me 2 and 3 times a day sometimes. A boyfriend does that. If we aren't dating, I don't want to talk to you three times in one day. I aint feening for you like that.
Right there
So I finally got my GR payment, but it was $20 short. Whatever. Then on Monday got my paycheck. I will deposit everything in the morning, then I will be off and running. I am nervous and excited to finally get my business off the ground and make some actual money for the first time in my life.
I do however have an interview for a job in bumblefuck LA for a holiday CSR for a yoga gear company on Thursday. I thought that I could do that just to get other bills covered. My car, dress form, material, bras, skin treatments, diet, and my apartment finally decorated. But part of me doesn't want the job. I want to do my reselling.
I went to the hair store and found out that they will sell you a sample head for $9. Like if a hair company sends them a put together weave for display, you can buy it for that price. I got one for interviewing. I also got purple and grey kalekalon hair, to make two wigs. I have been fantasizing about hot pink suede sneakers and hot pink curly hair.
It's so weird how it feels like it's part of my DNA to spend money. Like all I earn for is to spend. This is a new era for me completely. I will experience things I never have before. It's exciting. I want to be semi practical about things. Put money aside for taxes. Start planning on getting my condo. Planning on my real life happening.
I do however have an interview for a job in bumblefuck LA for a holiday CSR for a yoga gear company on Thursday. I thought that I could do that just to get other bills covered. My car, dress form, material, bras, skin treatments, diet, and my apartment finally decorated. But part of me doesn't want the job. I want to do my reselling.
I went to the hair store and found out that they will sell you a sample head for $9. Like if a hair company sends them a put together weave for display, you can buy it for that price. I got one for interviewing. I also got purple and grey kalekalon hair, to make two wigs. I have been fantasizing about hot pink suede sneakers and hot pink curly hair.
It's so weird how it feels like it's part of my DNA to spend money. Like all I earn for is to spend. This is a new era for me completely. I will experience things I never have before. It's exciting. I want to be semi practical about things. Put money aside for taxes. Start planning on getting my condo. Planning on my real life happening.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Waiting
I got the money from RO for my licence. She gave me an extra $25 which helped because my GR check didn't come. That usually pays for my monthly bus pass. So that extra money helped with that. I needed practical stuff too.
Once the GR comes then I can move forward. I had to wait a week. It was supposed to be here on Friday, it wasn't. Went to the office to see what the problem was. They said it would be ready Monday. I worked Tuesday through Thursday. So I am waiting to be paid from that. With both payments I should have at least $300. I can get started.
The waiting is killing me!!!!
Once the GR comes then I can move forward. I had to wait a week. It was supposed to be here on Friday, it wasn't. Went to the office to see what the problem was. They said it would be ready Monday. I worked Tuesday through Thursday. So I am waiting to be paid from that. With both payments I should have at least $300. I can get started.
The waiting is killing me!!!!
Saturday, September 1, 2018
Around and around
I was able to get a four day gig at the convention center which will get me all of $170. Ro offered to pay for my re sellers licence. I said no, but now I am rethinking the offer. The $170 will be enough for me to get two pairs to sell. If I do this correctly by the end of the month (when it's starting to get chilly out) I could have a car. I have to be stealthlike about this.
I forced myself to finish my burgundy crochet wig. It turned out better than the purple. I got a better handle on the process. I think the next one with the proper perm rods will turn out more afrolike the way I want it. This one looks like the wigs I used to make in Fort Lauderdale. Really sexy full with big curls. I got a little annoyed because I don't have a car, a controlled environment to travel in. So my hair was getting blown around. I imagined what it would be like to create an outfit, put on my leopard sandals; some cute jewelery and do my make up and wear the new wig. I imagine once my money starts flowing I will be overcome with creativity and making outfits left and right. Then I can go out even if it's by myself and have a nice dinner and look stunning. I would prefer being out with my dream guy tho.
I left my number on his meetup page. Nothing. I think he barely goes to his facebook. If he does I doubt he has messenger. I don't know how to get his attention. It hurts a little. I think about him every day. I want the next time he sees me to be the day he makes a move.
Still reading stories. They are all good in their own ways. There are elements that always appear.
A creepy guy bothers me and the love interest saves me
love interest has no desire for a relationship
love interest has a bothersome ex
love interest screws up BAD and we nearly break up
This new one I get roped in by my high school crush after graduation at a party to pretend to be his girlfriend so he doesn't have to date the school piranha. His parents like me a lot so we keep up the ruse. He starts to fall hard for me, but can't own up to it because of some 'dark secret in his past'. I step up because I fall for him as well and tell him how I feel; but he shuts me down saying this was fake. I am ruint of course. But it doesn't help we are going to the same college in the fall. My best friend is dating his best friend, so it gets weird. He is pining away for me at college and I am shutting him out at every turn. He's texting and calling and I am ignoring. There are only two chapters left so I can't imagine I will learn anything or any reconciliation in two chapters. So I am going to be left hanging again.
One of my other stories the one where my lover gets on a knee and I didn't get to answer before the story ended; continued. I got to say yes. But he was offered a job in new york and I was offered one in Milan. I decided to go to new york with him. Our wedding pictures on the beach were gorgeous.
Another story I was someone who worked at home reading manuscripts. I am hopelessly single. All of my friends are booed up and I am the only one who isn't. Again enter fake relationship. I meet him having coffee. I invite him on a weekend trip with my friends. It goes wonderfully. But before I met him I went to a clinic to get artificially inseminated. It would turn out to be effective. He didn't want children. When I told him he left me. But then realized his feelings about children changed with his feelings for me. So he comes back and we marry. I have the baby and we are great. She is a pistol too. We get pregnant with twins. But that's where the story ended. Before the twins arrival. I could have gone on and on with this story. Raising the kids, and growing old together.
These stories bring up all sorts of emotions that I have been avoiding forever.
Ugh.
I forced myself to finish my burgundy crochet wig. It turned out better than the purple. I got a better handle on the process. I think the next one with the proper perm rods will turn out more afrolike the way I want it. This one looks like the wigs I used to make in Fort Lauderdale. Really sexy full with big curls. I got a little annoyed because I don't have a car, a controlled environment to travel in. So my hair was getting blown around. I imagined what it would be like to create an outfit, put on my leopard sandals; some cute jewelery and do my make up and wear the new wig. I imagine once my money starts flowing I will be overcome with creativity and making outfits left and right. Then I can go out even if it's by myself and have a nice dinner and look stunning. I would prefer being out with my dream guy tho.
I left my number on his meetup page. Nothing. I think he barely goes to his facebook. If he does I doubt he has messenger. I don't know how to get his attention. It hurts a little. I think about him every day. I want the next time he sees me to be the day he makes a move.
Still reading stories. They are all good in their own ways. There are elements that always appear.
A creepy guy bothers me and the love interest saves me
love interest has no desire for a relationship
love interest has a bothersome ex
love interest screws up BAD and we nearly break up
This new one I get roped in by my high school crush after graduation at a party to pretend to be his girlfriend so he doesn't have to date the school piranha. His parents like me a lot so we keep up the ruse. He starts to fall hard for me, but can't own up to it because of some 'dark secret in his past'. I step up because I fall for him as well and tell him how I feel; but he shuts me down saying this was fake. I am ruint of course. But it doesn't help we are going to the same college in the fall. My best friend is dating his best friend, so it gets weird. He is pining away for me at college and I am shutting him out at every turn. He's texting and calling and I am ignoring. There are only two chapters left so I can't imagine I will learn anything or any reconciliation in two chapters. So I am going to be left hanging again.
One of my other stories the one where my lover gets on a knee and I didn't get to answer before the story ended; continued. I got to say yes. But he was offered a job in new york and I was offered one in Milan. I decided to go to new york with him. Our wedding pictures on the beach were gorgeous.
Another story I was someone who worked at home reading manuscripts. I am hopelessly single. All of my friends are booed up and I am the only one who isn't. Again enter fake relationship. I meet him having coffee. I invite him on a weekend trip with my friends. It goes wonderfully. But before I met him I went to a clinic to get artificially inseminated. It would turn out to be effective. He didn't want children. When I told him he left me. But then realized his feelings about children changed with his feelings for me. So he comes back and we marry. I have the baby and we are great. She is a pistol too. We get pregnant with twins. But that's where the story ended. Before the twins arrival. I could have gone on and on with this story. Raising the kids, and growing old together.
These stories bring up all sorts of emotions that I have been avoiding forever.
Ugh.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Back to reality
I had my event today. There were no empty seats. The man I have been crushing on for a year came and sat directly in front of me. Swoon. When we said hello he squoze my hand again. HOW I WANT THIS MAN!
My friend pointed out that he's light skinned, and how that must be my type. I hadn't actually thought about his skin tone much. I do admit that something about him does remind me of the first boy I ever kissed. Regardless of how knowing this boy ruined the rest of my childhood; the kiss was the first. He was the first boy that set my body on fire. He was the first boy I made out with for long periods of time. Who I let touch my breasts and touch between my legs inside of my underwear. He was the first boy I physically fell in love with.
This man brings back that memory. The way he looks at me. The way he looks at my lips when I am speaking sometimes, like he wants to reach over and kiss me. It's the way a man looks when he's dying to kiss you. I felt like 'wow he sees me'. It was a hot day and travelling to the spot was an exodus and a half. I felt gross and sweatty and unpretty. But talking to him I forgot. My heart was pounding, and butterflies fluttering like mad. His eyes sparkling, and his voice silky. I wanted to be close to him and touch him, run my fingers across his skin. But we were surrounded by people. I felt I had to keep it light and try to flirt but do it in a cute way. I don't flirt with randoes. Only with men I want. So that's not that often. I felt like my Rolodex of lines or cute quips might be out of style. But then again cute never expires.
I wanted to impress upon him today that I wanted to spend more time with him. That I really enjoy talking to him. He assured me the feeling was mutual. I didn't feel my prettiest. I hate my hair passionately. I don't like my foundation, it's too dark. I want lots of changes to occur. But when I see him I am filled with wanting.
It's funny how afterward you always do the instant replay of your interaction and pick it apart. You are like 'I should have said this', and I should have done that. Like I thought why didn't I walk him to his car? FUCK! Part of me was worried about saying the wrong thing, because I was really trying not to be nervous around him. I'm not the shy type; but when I like someone I don't want to say the wrong thing or come across the wrong way.(thirsty) I at first thought that I want to sleep with him, that's all. Mostly because I think guys like him (drop dead gorgeous) aren't trying to date or settle in with a woman who isn't also drop dead gorgeous. I am a wild child, and he's a computer dude. But I don't know him that well. He could be a totally expressive creative dude too. I can't assume he's a square. I know he loves hip hop. That goes a LONG way with me. I know he's intelligent. Which is HOT! The package is a bonus. He's vegan and I'm not. Might never be one. But I will never say never. He loves running, I do not. But we can all have hobbies that our partner doesn't partake in. I guess I thought these two things would soley define who he would be with. I am not those things so I would settle for sex. But today I saw him differently. I saw him as a contender. I saw him as a man I could fall deeply in love with. I saw a man I could travel with, and introduce to all my friends. Take around my family and feel like I could lean on in a storm. I saw so many things; I got a little scared, but good scared. I did underline that I really liked being with him, and hope we can spend more time together. I want him to ask me on a date. I don't know how to get him to ask tho. There is a broadway show coming to town next month. I will have that temp job for a week, so I could get tickets. I thought I would take my friend Rob, but now I want to take this dude as a sort of 'let's get the ball rolling, I'm not just talking shit--I really meant I wanted to spend time with you.' sort of gesture. But I pause because I don't want to be 'too forward' and then turn him off. Ideally I could ask him to the show, and then he could say 'we should get dinner too' and he takes me to dinner and I take him to a show.
This is the kind of man that the first time you have sex, you are shaking because you want him so bad. It's been a LONG time since that has happened.
A LONG TIME!
My friend pointed out that he's light skinned, and how that must be my type. I hadn't actually thought about his skin tone much. I do admit that something about him does remind me of the first boy I ever kissed. Regardless of how knowing this boy ruined the rest of my childhood; the kiss was the first. He was the first boy that set my body on fire. He was the first boy I made out with for long periods of time. Who I let touch my breasts and touch between my legs inside of my underwear. He was the first boy I physically fell in love with.
This man brings back that memory. The way he looks at me. The way he looks at my lips when I am speaking sometimes, like he wants to reach over and kiss me. It's the way a man looks when he's dying to kiss you. I felt like 'wow he sees me'. It was a hot day and travelling to the spot was an exodus and a half. I felt gross and sweatty and unpretty. But talking to him I forgot. My heart was pounding, and butterflies fluttering like mad. His eyes sparkling, and his voice silky. I wanted to be close to him and touch him, run my fingers across his skin. But we were surrounded by people. I felt I had to keep it light and try to flirt but do it in a cute way. I don't flirt with randoes. Only with men I want. So that's not that often. I felt like my Rolodex of lines or cute quips might be out of style. But then again cute never expires.
I wanted to impress upon him today that I wanted to spend more time with him. That I really enjoy talking to him. He assured me the feeling was mutual. I didn't feel my prettiest. I hate my hair passionately. I don't like my foundation, it's too dark. I want lots of changes to occur. But when I see him I am filled with wanting.
It's funny how afterward you always do the instant replay of your interaction and pick it apart. You are like 'I should have said this', and I should have done that. Like I thought why didn't I walk him to his car? FUCK! Part of me was worried about saying the wrong thing, because I was really trying not to be nervous around him. I'm not the shy type; but when I like someone I don't want to say the wrong thing or come across the wrong way.(thirsty) I at first thought that I want to sleep with him, that's all. Mostly because I think guys like him (drop dead gorgeous) aren't trying to date or settle in with a woman who isn't also drop dead gorgeous. I am a wild child, and he's a computer dude. But I don't know him that well. He could be a totally expressive creative dude too. I can't assume he's a square. I know he loves hip hop. That goes a LONG way with me. I know he's intelligent. Which is HOT! The package is a bonus. He's vegan and I'm not. Might never be one. But I will never say never. He loves running, I do not. But we can all have hobbies that our partner doesn't partake in. I guess I thought these two things would soley define who he would be with. I am not those things so I would settle for sex. But today I saw him differently. I saw him as a contender. I saw him as a man I could fall deeply in love with. I saw a man I could travel with, and introduce to all my friends. Take around my family and feel like I could lean on in a storm. I saw so many things; I got a little scared, but good scared. I did underline that I really liked being with him, and hope we can spend more time together. I want him to ask me on a date. I don't know how to get him to ask tho. There is a broadway show coming to town next month. I will have that temp job for a week, so I could get tickets. I thought I would take my friend Rob, but now I want to take this dude as a sort of 'let's get the ball rolling, I'm not just talking shit--I really meant I wanted to spend time with you.' sort of gesture. But I pause because I don't want to be 'too forward' and then turn him off. Ideally I could ask him to the show, and then he could say 'we should get dinner too' and he takes me to dinner and I take him to a show.
This is the kind of man that the first time you have sex, you are shaking because you want him so bad. It's been a LONG time since that has happened.
A LONG TIME!
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Read my Lips
This story was pretty good. It had different artwork. Less cartoony more painting like. More style choices too.
I date a lot of rich powerful young billionaires in these stories. Here is another one. Damon Kingston. I am his personal assistant. I am 22 and fresh out of college, and from Canada.
The flyest thing in this story was that I got to go on a business trip with him to Sweden. He would then plan a short trip to Norway to show me the northern lights and meet one of his uncles. We would have sex on this trip. I wouldn't tell him until much later that that was my first time. But to me that was some next level perfection. If you are going to give up your cherry.
It should be with a hot billionaire
In Norway
In a cabin
After watching the northern lights.
He and I got super close. But he was always on the move. Making business deals, and going on trips. He'd have to leave for a month for a deal. I wouldn't be going with him. A model that his mother wants him to marry pops up on him on his trip, drugs him and makes him think they had sex. She pops up preggers and of course you can imagine. While he's away his mother comes in and fires me. I move to Brooklyn and get a job at a library. He comes back and is like WHERE IS SHE??!?!?! He finds me and we try and piece things back together. But the model pops in preggers and I tell him to go handle that and leave me out of it. He finds out the truth about what she did, and that her EX is the father and comes back to me. He proposes. I say yes. The end.
Tons of things happen, but that's the jist. Damon was sort of cold and reserved most of the time. He filled my apartment with flowers and bought me a car for my birthday. That's how he would express himself. He didn't really make me swoon. But he was nice to look at sort of.
Stripped really bitch?
I really wanted another story to read. I had read one, and it was okay. I wasn't moved, or overwhelmed emotionally by it. It was mild at best. I wasn't bowled over by the male lead. So I wanted something else. This other story Stripped was high on the reviews list. The cover was cheezy, and the whole 'ex stripper trying to change her life' story made me roll my eyes. But after starting about 5 stories that I didn't want to read I caved in around 11pm to read it. I customized the two male leads. They look the way they always do. This time they are Shane and Alex. Alex is the new boss when I moved to the new town,Shane is my mentor. Shane is a dick. A real grade A asshole. But gorgeous of course. Alex is tall and fine as hell too. But a cool guy, sweet, and flattering. Oh yeah really rich.
Reading this thing became an endurance test for me. I was waiting for there to be some sex in the story; then I will go to bed. I at 10am have still not been to bed.
The most annoying thing is that the author put up all these questions about the story that you could ask and she would answer. One of the questions was do we get to pick the guy we want to be with? She said yes. So I gave up on the sex (because it was never gonna happen) And get to the part where I choose who I want to be with and get my ending and go to bed.
The more I read the more annoyed I got. Because Shane was becoming the center of the story but he was constantly fighting against feeling anything he was BORING AS FUCK! I can't even deal with that shit. What is the point of reading a story about a gorgeous man and he's not going to do anything? Not even fuck. There was a point where we ended up in a hotel bed together making out, him pinning me down and he starts thinking about people dying and then shuts down. No D. He keeps having these inner dialogues about how he might like me but I'm annoying. THE WHOLE STORY, and gets pissed when I am with Alex, but does nothing about it. In the meantime my roommate (who is still stripping) sees Shane at a party and becomes instantly obsessed with him. He's a fuck em forget em type. He makes it clear he isn't interested in her. She still chases after him. She shows up at my job over and over just to try and get next to him. Super thirst.
A high school girlfriend of Alexes shows up who wants ad space on the radio so they are making a business deal, but she's trying to get next to him. She's aware that he and I are a thing. Tries to act innocent, but is secretly plotting against me. There is a girl in the finance department who is thirst bucket #1 for Shane as well. Women swoon everywhere he goes. I swoon too, but not in front of Alex.
I spent way too much of my brain space on Shane the asshole. Alex is ready to focus on me. He's a full time dad of the cutest 10 year old ever too. She takes to me right away too. I keep pushing him away and pining over Shane. Because we both had 'bad childhoods' so somehow because we were both abused I think we belong together. Wrong reason to be with someone.
Reading this thing became an endurance test for me. I was waiting for there to be some sex in the story; then I will go to bed. I at 10am have still not been to bed.
The most annoying thing is that the author put up all these questions about the story that you could ask and she would answer. One of the questions was do we get to pick the guy we want to be with? She said yes. So I gave up on the sex (because it was never gonna happen) And get to the part where I choose who I want to be with and get my ending and go to bed.
The more I read the more annoyed I got. Because Shane was becoming the center of the story but he was constantly fighting against feeling anything he was BORING AS FUCK! I can't even deal with that shit. What is the point of reading a story about a gorgeous man and he's not going to do anything? Not even fuck. There was a point where we ended up in a hotel bed together making out, him pinning me down and he starts thinking about people dying and then shuts down. No D. He keeps having these inner dialogues about how he might like me but I'm annoying. THE WHOLE STORY, and gets pissed when I am with Alex, but does nothing about it. In the meantime my roommate (who is still stripping) sees Shane at a party and becomes instantly obsessed with him. He's a fuck em forget em type. He makes it clear he isn't interested in her. She still chases after him. She shows up at my job over and over just to try and get next to him. Super thirst.
A high school girlfriend of Alexes shows up who wants ad space on the radio so they are making a business deal, but she's trying to get next to him. She's aware that he and I are a thing. Tries to act innocent, but is secretly plotting against me. There is a girl in the finance department who is thirst bucket #1 for Shane as well. Women swoon everywhere he goes. I swoon too, but not in front of Alex.
 |
| I take back the "I LOVE YOU" I said last night, I was out of my mind. |
 |
| My roommate stalks Shane in the bushes.... |
If anything this story pissed me the fuck off because it was almost glamorizing the whole chasing after the bad boy and shitting on the good guy mentality. I got so annoyed. I hung in 10 hours and paid $7 for extra tickets so I could pick the nice dude and sail off into the sunset. The story ends while we are talking over drinks after work. Shane is in a car and a guy is holding a gun on him. I was so angry!!!
But now to think of it, before the last chapter there was a warning about a glitch. Maybe that was the glitch? I was deliriously tired (am) and I got no ending?!?!?!?!?!
Makes me not want to read ever again.
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Somewhere along the way
It was Friday and I wasn't sure what I would get done today. All I want to do is get lost in my romances. I tried a couple new ones but they were garbage. Poorly written, and stories really stupid. I was losing hope that I would find another good one. I searched and searched. I finally found one. I read one yesterday that had a whole lot of promise but it was short. It was my flavor though. Punk band trying to make it big. I play guitar in the band. We meet the biggest Punk band around and two of the guys get crushes on me. One of them helps me move into my new apartment downtown (after we get a nice advance check) I notice I have a BAD BRAINS poster framed on my wall.
He makes me breakfast too. The two guys Silver (this dude) and Ezra were getting really competitive for my attention, and the story ended. Not even a kiss from either of them. The author 'may or may not' continue the story.
So I moved it along. I found another one. A girl goes off to college with her BFF. They want to pledge a sorority. Their challenge is to put on hasmat suits and gas masks and try and seduce a guy to make out with them. This cat Shane is at this party and runs into me knocking me down. He makes a joke about me having a Breaking Bad sexual fetish. He nicknames me Heisenberg. We become friends. Actually best friends. We are always together.
Shane is from a rich family, and has lived and gone to school all over the world. One of his friends comes to visit him. His name is Owen. He and I are immediately attracted to eachother. Owen asks Shane if it's cool if he asks me out. Shane is on the fence, but gives Owen my number. We start dating and get quite serious. But he gets a job offer in Prague, and breaks up with me.
But of course as per usual. He comes back from outer space. I am expecting a promotion at work, but instead Owen comes to work for my company and gets my promotion and is my boss now. AWKWARD! He is all apologies, and telling me he regrets the breakup. It was a huge mistake. He's hoping for a reconciliation, but I keep my distance. He and Shane were great friends back in the day, but now with me in between them not so much.
Seven years lapse (from the time Shane and I first met) and after a night of drinking he proposes that we have sex. We do and it's great. Afterward we don't talk for like a week. He comes back and suggests we become friends with benefits. We can sleep with other people, but if we start dating someone else tell the other person. We smash quite a bit. The sex is off the hook. We are in danger of catching feelings all the time. Everyone thinks we are a couple anyway. He has to go to his father's birthday party and wants me to come because dealing with his family is intense. My BFF and his friend JJ the pro football player come with. His mother tells him she has a woman for him to meet. He doesn't want to. But the woman walks in and it's a crush from high school. Needless to say it's a bit awkward. We decide to all go out clubbing. She invites a couple of her friends along with us. Everyone is drinking and one of her friends comes up to me and tells me that Shane is making out with the crush from high school. I grab one of her friends and kiss him in retaliation. Shane sees me and goes outside. Turns out that the crush girl had a feeling that I liked Shane so she sent her friend to tell me that lie about them making out to see how I would react. I fell for it. Shane told me he didn't kiss her, and why would I think such a thing. I felt silly. He was always wanting to kiss me and touch me. Whenever we could slip away he'd want to have sex. I told him we should chill for the weekend while we were at his parents house since his mother already didn't like me. He would tease me and walk away. His father would have a masquerade ball the next night. The crush girl would try and seduce Shane, but he would shoot her down. She knew he kept a box of memorabilia from when they were kids and she found it and put it in my room for me to find. (Shane and I were thick as thieves and he never ever mentioned this girl to me, I started wondering why) I found the box and me and my BFF went through it. There were pictures and notes. There was a little box, and it had a ring in it. He PROPOSED TO THIS BITCH?! I was HEATED, but I had to play it off and go to the party. I went to the party and put my mask on and tried to play it cool. But he knows me so well he knew there was something up. He kept asking. Crush girl comes over and lets something slip about a box. I let it slip about a ring. The crush girl knew nothing about a ring. Shane grabs me and pulls me outside. We have to have a talk.
There is a flashback of me taking my then boyfriend Owen to meet my grandparents. Shane came along for support. Shane is beloved by my family so it's normal for him to be there. My grandad is asking Owen about his intentions for our relationship and is put on the spot. Grandad isn't particularly impressed. He asks to speak to Shane in the other room. Grandad tells Shane the story about meeting his wife and how he knew immediately that she was the one. Grandad give Shane his grandmothers ring to give to me. You can give it to her or if she marries someone else. But I want you to keep it because I feel you care for her. That's why there was a ring in the box. He didn't propose to the crush girl. They never really dated even. I thank him for telling me, and he takes off our masks and we kiss passionately. We go to my room. He says that he understands that we aren't having sex, but he wants to go down on me. His mother hears me screaming his name and knows that we are involved. They fight over it. She tells him to tell me to leave. He says if she leaves I leave too. She backs off.
The story takes twists and turns. And Shane can no longer ignore how he feels about me. The crush girl shows up at his place to confront him about the ring at the party. Also to make him admit that he is in love with me. He refuses to talk to her. She won't leave until he does. He decides to leave her at his place and go to his buddies place to drink. He gets crazy drunk with the broz, and calls me when I'm at dinner with my BFF. She's up at the bar talking to a guy. She's trying to make me talk to the guys friend to help me not be so focused on Shane. I take his call and he's trying drunkenly to tell me he wants to be with me. But just as he says it, my BFF gets her purse and phone stolen by the guys at the bar so I didn't hear him. So my phone went dead on his end. He thought I rejected him and went into a spiral. That night I was bugged by the call so I went across the hall to his place. The crush girl opens the door in a towel. Shane comes out of the bedroom naked. I want to cry but I leave. He runs after me into the hall and presses me against the wall. He says nothing happened with her. He asks if I believe him. I say yes I believe him. He is staring at the floor for a long time with me pressed against the wall. He is trying to say something but cant. He kisses my forehead and lets me go. He goes back to his place.
Something was off. I knew it was but I had to talk to him. The crush girl comes to my house and says that Shane and I need to talk. She's sorry for getting in the middle. But it's important that we talk. I go to work and when I come home I go to his place. All of his stuff is gone. I call his phone and he won't answer. I tell my BFF to call and he still won't answer. Two weeks pass and nothing. He's hiding out at his bros apartment. They do an intervention because Shane is miserable. They wanna know whats up. He says because I rejected him on the phone. They were like bro, you don't tell a woman that stuff on the phone. He was like whatever.
I am totally miserable. I go to work but I am quite sad. In my sadness I end up kissing my ex Owen. I immediately apologize to him. He's not bothered at all. He actually wants more. I say it was a mistake.
Something happens and they figure out that I never heard him. We both were going to Las Vegas that weekend for work. Turned out we were seeing the same client too. Owen and I were going to meet his client with our client and make a deal. He's at the hotel when he gets a call from his bro telling him I never heard him. MY bff told him what happened that night. He told him I was in Vegas too. He came and found me. He saw me in the lobby. Walked across it and kissed me passionately. He told me he loves me right then and there.
It was totally romcom stuff. We had to go to dinner with the clients and he kept his hand on my thigh the whole time. We planned to meet at my room after dinner. I open the door and it's on and cracking!
Being back with him was magnificent. He wanted to lock me down of course as quickly as possible because he knew he screwed up. He wanted us to move in together in a couple of months. I thought it was a great idea. My bff would have to find another roomate of course. One day I am in the bathroom and see a pregnancy test, and it's positive. My bff is preggers! I leave to go and find her and Shane comes looking for me and finds the test and thinks I am preggers. He calls his little sister and asks what he should say to me. She says let her tell you. Later that night in bed I tell him to get a condom. He says why, I can't get pregnant if I am already pregnant. I tell him I'm not pregnant. I promised my BFF not to say anything so I said it was one of her friends. Of course the little sister lets it slip to his parents about the baby. But they are thrilled about it. We have to go visit for his sisters birthday. Everyone is congratulating us. I tell Shane to tell everyone the truth. He does.
We get ready to go out for his sisters birthday but keep getting distracted by eachother. He's really a passionate dude. My ex Owen is a friend of the family so he was invited to the party too. AWKWARD! Shane goes to the bar and Owen finds me and asks if I told Shane we kissed. I said no. He said if we were going to have an honest relationship I had to come clean. Later that night in the room I start to tell Shane and he stops me. He says that we just got back together, and if there is anything bad he can't handle it right now. Just leave it for much later, when we are settled in. He will ask me then. I say ok.
So I moved it along. I found another one. A girl goes off to college with her BFF. They want to pledge a sorority. Their challenge is to put on hasmat suits and gas masks and try and seduce a guy to make out with them. This cat Shane is at this party and runs into me knocking me down. He makes a joke about me having a Breaking Bad sexual fetish. He nicknames me Heisenberg. We become friends. Actually best friends. We are always together.
 |
| Shane and me when we met Freshman year |
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| Remembering the day Owen broke up with me two years prior |
Seven years lapse (from the time Shane and I first met) and after a night of drinking he proposes that we have sex. We do and it's great. Afterward we don't talk for like a week. He comes back and suggests we become friends with benefits. We can sleep with other people, but if we start dating someone else tell the other person. We smash quite a bit. The sex is off the hook. We are in danger of catching feelings all the time. Everyone thinks we are a couple anyway. He has to go to his father's birthday party and wants me to come because dealing with his family is intense. My BFF and his friend JJ the pro football player come with. His mother tells him she has a woman for him to meet. He doesn't want to. But the woman walks in and it's a crush from high school. Needless to say it's a bit awkward. We decide to all go out clubbing. She invites a couple of her friends along with us. Everyone is drinking and one of her friends comes up to me and tells me that Shane is making out with the crush from high school. I grab one of her friends and kiss him in retaliation. Shane sees me and goes outside. Turns out that the crush girl had a feeling that I liked Shane so she sent her friend to tell me that lie about them making out to see how I would react. I fell for it. Shane told me he didn't kiss her, and why would I think such a thing. I felt silly. He was always wanting to kiss me and touch me. Whenever we could slip away he'd want to have sex. I told him we should chill for the weekend while we were at his parents house since his mother already didn't like me. He would tease me and walk away. His father would have a masquerade ball the next night. The crush girl would try and seduce Shane, but he would shoot her down. She knew he kept a box of memorabilia from when they were kids and she found it and put it in my room for me to find. (Shane and I were thick as thieves and he never ever mentioned this girl to me, I started wondering why) I found the box and me and my BFF went through it. There were pictures and notes. There was a little box, and it had a ring in it. He PROPOSED TO THIS BITCH?! I was HEATED, but I had to play it off and go to the party. I went to the party and put my mask on and tried to play it cool. But he knows me so well he knew there was something up. He kept asking. Crush girl comes over and lets something slip about a box. I let it slip about a ring. The crush girl knew nothing about a ring. Shane grabs me and pulls me outside. We have to have a talk.
 |
| Shane tells the truth about the ring. |
The story takes twists and turns. And Shane can no longer ignore how he feels about me. The crush girl shows up at his place to confront him about the ring at the party. Also to make him admit that he is in love with me. He refuses to talk to her. She won't leave until he does. He decides to leave her at his place and go to his buddies place to drink. He gets crazy drunk with the broz, and calls me when I'm at dinner with my BFF. She's up at the bar talking to a guy. She's trying to make me talk to the guys friend to help me not be so focused on Shane. I take his call and he's trying drunkenly to tell me he wants to be with me. But just as he says it, my BFF gets her purse and phone stolen by the guys at the bar so I didn't hear him. So my phone went dead on his end. He thought I rejected him and went into a spiral. That night I was bugged by the call so I went across the hall to his place. The crush girl opens the door in a towel. Shane comes out of the bedroom naked. I want to cry but I leave. He runs after me into the hall and presses me against the wall. He says nothing happened with her. He asks if I believe him. I say yes I believe him. He is staring at the floor for a long time with me pressed against the wall. He is trying to say something but cant. He kisses my forehead and lets me go. He goes back to his place.
Something was off. I knew it was but I had to talk to him. The crush girl comes to my house and says that Shane and I need to talk. She's sorry for getting in the middle. But it's important that we talk. I go to work and when I come home I go to his place. All of his stuff is gone. I call his phone and he won't answer. I tell my BFF to call and he still won't answer. Two weeks pass and nothing. He's hiding out at his bros apartment. They do an intervention because Shane is miserable. They wanna know whats up. He says because I rejected him on the phone. They were like bro, you don't tell a woman that stuff on the phone. He was like whatever.
I am totally miserable. I go to work but I am quite sad. In my sadness I end up kissing my ex Owen. I immediately apologize to him. He's not bothered at all. He actually wants more. I say it was a mistake.
Something happens and they figure out that I never heard him. We both were going to Las Vegas that weekend for work. Turned out we were seeing the same client too. Owen and I were going to meet his client with our client and make a deal. He's at the hotel when he gets a call from his bro telling him I never heard him. MY bff told him what happened that night. He told him I was in Vegas too. He came and found me. He saw me in the lobby. Walked across it and kissed me passionately. He told me he loves me right then and there.
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| Shane telling me he loves me in Vegas. |
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| That night at dinner |
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| We can't keep our hands off eachother to get out of the house! |
We get ready to go out for his sisters birthday but keep getting distracted by eachother. He's really a passionate dude. My ex Owen is a friend of the family so he was invited to the party too. AWKWARD! Shane goes to the bar and Owen finds me and asks if I told Shane we kissed. I said no. He said if we were going to have an honest relationship I had to come clean. Later that night in the room I start to tell Shane and he stops me. He says that we just got back together, and if there is anything bad he can't handle it right now. Just leave it for much later, when we are settled in. He will ask me then. I say ok.
But
Of course Owen lets it slip. They fight. But he isn't angry at me. He actually takes responsibility for it happening. If he wouldn't have abandon me, it would have never happened. He and I would have been in love and stronger than ever. So he took the blame. I was like that is really grown up shit.
Later he plans a special dinner for us. There are twinkle lights everywhere. It's magical really.
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| He makes the most beautiful speech to me under the twinkle lights |
He says the most beautiful speech to me, then he gets on one knee and asks if I will marry him...
THE STORY FUCKING ENDS BEFORE I CAN ANSWER!!!!!
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I can't find out anything about when it continues or anything. After all the stuff he and I went through I need to see a damn wedding!
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Investigating feelings
I am waiting for the last part of my story to load. There is an impending wedding and honeymoon. But I am sort of sad that the story will be over. Such an emotional roller coaster. I never wanted it to end. We discussed all our fears and came to understand each other. I wanted a big wedding because I had always dreamed of one. But I didn't stop to think about my man and how he would feel. So we stole away in the night to our private location with only the pastor and said our vows. We threw a big reception for everyone else. I ran it by my bff the night before. She understood. We planned to honeymoon in bora bora, it was romantic. He rented a private beach for us to have dinner on. He thinks of everything. But of course our honeymoon is struck with devastating news. The story ends there. End of season 1. I can only hope for a season 2. The thing is you can't tell when something was written so you can't tell how much time has lapsed since the last chapter came out.
There are three men Storm, Logan and Bracken. They have all captured my imagination. But all three are in limbo waiting for next installments to propel the story along. One ended before a major formal ball (Bracken), one after a long awaited and anticipated explosive first night together (Logan), the other on the honeymoon and getting devastating news from home.(Storm) I don't know if I can handle the waiting.
We discuss out fears in the bathtub. He left me once because he felt he wasn't good enough for me, and I was devastated.
He was afraid of the same thing. That I would leave him because I couldn't take it. I wouldn't.
We stole away in the night to a castle venue he rented with only the pastor and a couple of doves. He told me his vows at the pool that afternoon and they were beautiful.
There are three men Storm, Logan and Bracken. They have all captured my imagination. But all three are in limbo waiting for next installments to propel the story along. One ended before a major formal ball (Bracken), one after a long awaited and anticipated explosive first night together (Logan), the other on the honeymoon and getting devastating news from home.(Storm) I don't know if I can handle the waiting.
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| Afterward at the reception.
Really touching stuff.
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking: the author just low key ruined my honeymoon. I had added her on instagram earlier, and logged back on to see if she accepted cause her page is private.
When I went to the main page low and behold
My lover has added me and posted photos.
I broke down into tears. I can't really explain why. I laid on my pillow crying and crying. I felt pain in my body and in my heart. I long for this man. I always have. After I met him I knew how I felt. But, again I felt like even though the time I had with him was amazing, I wouldn't be able to reach him the way I wanted to. Next thing I knew he was off to the other side of the world indefinitely. I have fantasies about losing all the weight and booking a ticket to go see him. He has invited me to go and visit anytime. I just wonder if I am going to have a remix of Steve. Went all the way to the UK to get rejected. Jay I think will be more open minded. It will be difficult to be with him and 'just be friends'. Or even if something physical transpires, come all the way back to LA. I would have to really keep my emotions in check. I hurt so deep inside when I think about him. If I want to IM with him it has to be in the middle of the night here because that's when it's daytime there.
He is the living breathing version of the man in my dreams. I don't want to be back in the whole 'arms length' catagory like I was with Peter, Nabil, Nick, Tommy M, and others. But I think I learned my lesson. Be unavailable. Don't fan girl out. It's a turnoff. It gets you nowhere. It would be hard to fly around the world then act unavailable. I think that would be a huge mixed message. Not to want him would be next to impossible. It's like I would be torturing myself. I'd probably cry myself to sleep at night over there out of the sheer stress.
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