Investigating feelings

I am waiting for the last part of my story to load. There is an impending wedding and honeymoon. But I am sort of sad that the story will be over. Such an emotional roller coaster. I never wanted it to end. We discussed all our fears and came to understand each other. I wanted a big wedding because I had always dreamed of one. But I didn't stop to think about my man and how he would feel. So we stole away in the night to our private location with only the pastor and said our vows. We threw a big reception for everyone else. I ran it by my bff the night before. She understood. We planned to honeymoon in bora bora, it was romantic. He rented a private beach for us to have dinner on. He thinks of everything.  But of course our honeymoon is struck with devastating news. The story ends there. End of season 1. I can only hope for a season 2. The thing is you can't tell when something was written so you can't tell how much time has lapsed since the last chapter came out. 

There are three men Storm, Logan and Bracken. They have all captured my imagination. But all three are in limbo waiting for next installments to propel the story along. One ended before a major formal ball (Bracken), one after a long awaited and anticipated explosive first night together (Logan), the other on the honeymoon and getting devastating news from home.(Storm)  I don't know if I can handle the waiting. 

 We discuss out fears in the bathtub. He left me once because he felt he wasn't good enough for me, and I was devastated.

He was afraid of the same thing. That I would leave him because I couldn't take it. I wouldn't.

 We stole away in the night to a castle venue he rented with only the pastor and a couple of doves. He told me his vows at the pool that afternoon and they were beautiful. 

Afterward at the reception.

Really touching stuff.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking: the author just low key ruined my honeymoon. I had added her on instagram earlier, and logged back on to see if she accepted cause her page is private. 

When I went to the main page low and behold

My lover has added me and posted photos.

I broke down into tears. I can't really explain why. I laid on my pillow crying and crying. I felt pain in my body and in my heart. I long for this man. I always have. After I met him I knew how I felt. But, again I felt like even though the time I had with him was amazing, I wouldn't be able to reach him the way I wanted to. Next thing I knew he was off to the other side of the world indefinitely. I have fantasies about losing all the weight and booking a ticket to go see him. He has invited me to go and visit anytime. I just wonder if I am going to have a remix of Steve. Went all the way to the UK to get rejected. Jay I think will be more open minded. It will be difficult to be with him and 'just be friends'. Or even if something physical transpires, come all the way back to LA. I would have to really keep my emotions in check. I hurt so deep inside when I think about him. If I want to IM with him it has to be in the middle of the night here because that's when it's daytime there. 

He is the living breathing version of the man in my dreams. I don't want to be back in the whole 'arms length' catagory like I was with Peter, Nabil, Nick, Tommy M, and others. But I think I learned my lesson. Be unavailable. Don't fan girl out. It's a turnoff. It gets you nowhere. It would be hard to fly around the world then act unavailable. I think that would be a huge mixed message. Not to want him would be next to impossible. It's like I would be torturing myself. I'd probably cry myself to sleep at night over there out of the sheer stress.