Waves

It's been months since I have felt pretty. Put together. Put an outfit together and felt like WOW! I haven't done my hair and felt brand new in forever. I have been trying to master crochet hair but haven't quite yet. The ladies on youtube look the way I want to look, but when I do it I look crazy. Like a puff ball. 

I started wearing shorter hair I think because of the heat. But I don't like it too short because then I don't like how I look because my face is so round. When I used to do my long wigs I could conceal some of my roundness and create angles. Now not so much. I am craving long hair again. But part of me feels like I am too old to pull it off. 

I am also craving a style change for my clothes. I am trapped in skirt and t shirt land. I bought the rhinestone slip ons a few months ago and felt a little new. But now it's the end of the summer and there is a crack in one. 

I keep thinking of my brand new life. Having a thousand dollars to go shopping with. Buying quality wigs, and shoes and being able to finally express myself the way I see in my dreams. To lose all the weight and get my knee fixed and wear heels again. Feel gorgeous and powerful. Not like a waddling old woman. 

I got an extra $100 on my card so the first thing I did was buy some curly hair off a website. It will be here tomorrow. I will make a wig out of it. Hopefully it will give me a breath of fresh air and inspiration. It's burgundy and long and curly. The picture of it was so gorgeous. I wanted to look like that. I feel conflicted that I am so anxious about my looks. I felt like I can't try and get something going with R until I change how I look. I still don't know how I feel about him anyway. Some days I feel something, some days he's super annoying. But I guess your partner will be annoying sometimes. We are friends first too. I just feel like I should be prettier. More polished. Have a car. He spends all kinds of time on the phone with me. No guy does that.