Breaktime

I had to ship my first pair of sneakers today. I went to my counseling appointment, then after I was going to jump on the bus to main street to the job center to use the computer to print the shipping label. I walked outside and the street was blocked off by hasmat so the bus can't come through. So I had to walk through skid row to the office. I get there and all of my passwords don't work on the computer! I started to get upset. But then I said I guess now I have to break down and buy a printer. I got a lyft to the office supply store. They had one for $50. Ink and paper. I shipped the shoes from their shipping center. Took care of that. I had to lyft back to my house and drop off the printer then take the bus to work. Only three hours late.

I text the U up text I always do in the morning. I called when I was at the office supply store he didn't answer. He hasn't called or text all day. So I had to make a conscious decision to leave him alone for the rest of the week. 

I think this is going to be the opposite of what I feel. How many times have I made love to a man I felt I could love only to have him totally abandon me.  I am feeling that familiar he's left the building feeling. I have to spend the week getting over it. I was praying for someone who fit with me, who I could open my whole heart to and have his heart open to me. In 7 years I haven't felt like I wanted to have an actual relationship with someone. Until now. It took me by surprise. I found myself fantasizing about he and I being a couple. Travelling, building wealth together, being deeply and spiritually in love. But I have to let go of all of that. Because he is going to come back and take it all back. He's freaking out that he's lost me because we had sex. That if he tells me he doesn't want a relationship or to have sex again I won't be there anymore. He could be mourning our friendship. But what he doesn't understand is; it would be even better if  we were a couple.

I know I love him. 

But I can't be exposed.