I had my event today. There were no empty seats. The man I have been crushing on for a year came and sat directly in front of me. Swoon. When we said hello he squoze my hand again. HOW I WANT THIS MAN!
My friend pointed out that he's light skinned, and how that must be my type. I hadn't actually thought about his skin tone much. I do admit that something about him does remind me of the first boy I ever kissed. Regardless of how knowing this boy ruined the rest of my childhood; the kiss was the first. He was the first boy that set my body on fire. He was the first boy I made out with for long periods of time. Who I let touch my breasts and touch between my legs inside of my underwear. He was the first boy I physically fell in love with.
This man brings back that memory. The way he looks at me. The way he looks at my lips when I am speaking sometimes, like he wants to reach over and kiss me. It's the way a man looks when he's dying to kiss you. I felt like 'wow he sees me'. It was a hot day and travelling to the spot was an exodus and a half. I felt gross and sweatty and unpretty. But talking to him I forgot. My heart was pounding, and butterflies fluttering like mad. His eyes sparkling, and his voice silky. I wanted to be close to him and touch him, run my fingers across his skin. But we were surrounded by people. I felt I had to keep it light and try to flirt but do it in a cute way. I don't flirt with randoes. Only with men I want. So that's not that often. I felt like my Rolodex of lines or cute quips might be out of style. But then again cute never expires.
I wanted to impress upon him today that I wanted to spend more time with him. That I really enjoy talking to him. He assured me the feeling was mutual. I didn't feel my prettiest. I hate my hair passionately. I don't like my foundation, it's too dark. I want lots of changes to occur. But when I see him I am filled with wanting.
It's funny how afterward you always do the instant replay of your interaction and pick it apart. You are like 'I should have said this', and I should have done that. Like I thought why didn't I walk him to his car? FUCK! Part of me was worried about saying the wrong thing, because I was really trying not to be nervous around him. I'm not the shy type; but when I like someone I don't want to say the wrong thing or come across the wrong way.(thirsty) I at first thought that I want to sleep with him, that's all. Mostly because I think guys like him (drop dead gorgeous) aren't trying to date or settle in with a woman who isn't also drop dead gorgeous. I am a wild child, and he's a computer dude. But I don't know him that well. He could be a totally expressive creative dude too. I can't assume he's a square. I know he loves hip hop. That goes a LONG way with me. I know he's intelligent. Which is HOT! The package is a bonus. He's vegan and I'm not. Might never be one. But I will never say never. He loves running, I do not. But we can all have hobbies that our partner doesn't partake in. I guess I thought these two things would soley define who he would be with. I am not those things so I would settle for sex. But today I saw him differently. I saw him as a contender. I saw him as a man I could fall deeply in love with. I saw a man I could travel with, and introduce to all my friends. Take around my family and feel like I could lean on in a storm. I saw so many things; I got a little scared, but good scared. I did underline that I really liked being with him, and hope we can spend more time together. I want him to ask me on a date. I don't know how to get him to ask tho. There is a broadway show coming to town next month. I will have that temp job for a week, so I could get tickets. I thought I would take my friend Rob, but now I want to take this dude as a sort of 'let's get the ball rolling, I'm not just talking shit--I really meant I wanted to spend time with you.' sort of gesture. But I pause because I don't want to be 'too forward' and then turn him off. Ideally I could ask him to the show, and then he could say 'we should get dinner too' and he takes me to dinner and I take him to a show.
This is the kind of man that the first time you have sex, you are shaking because you want him so bad. It's been a LONG time since that has happened.
A LONG TIME!
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