Weirdness

I have all this time on my hands. I want to fill it with creative projects. Like finally cutting and sewing that new wardrobe I have been thinking about. I have two events this weekend. So that could be an excuse. I have some hair I could crochet and get a new wig out of. Just during the day it's so hot I don't want to move. I've been doing the family dollar dinner run the past couple of nights; but I have to stop before I waste all of my foodstamps this month again. I did that last month inside of a week. 

I have however been drinking my weight loss drinks regularly. I see they are working. My stomach is going down and hips too. I have to get serious on it. Cut the junk food and go clean food and drink my drinks religiously. I have to get control of my body and my life. I haven't worn makeup since I went to the temp office two weeks ago. Boost mobile has a huge now hiring sign out front. But this is a Mexican neighborhood. I pause because I may have to speak spanish. I just want to get my re seller licence! I got the internet box yesterday. I will get paid for 4 months to keep it. Plus $25 bonus. They said in 3 days time. I can pay my hulu bill with that. 

I have become hyper aware of me not having human touch. I want it but not from just any rando. All the spacemen have gone back to outer space. There was a contender but when I asked him about his Sunday plans on Wednesday and he hasn't answered me on the following Tuesday; I midas well put a line through his name. NO ONE IS THAT BUSY!  Why are men such skittish little puppies? The internet is becoming increasingly the place for the socially inept to hang out. People who have zero intention of meeting anyone. Just want to text and talk shit on line. I'm so done.

I keep thinking about the hand squeeze that Jerry gave me the last time I saw him. I have such a crush on that man! But I don't know what to do about it. The physical attraction is off the charts with that one. But I feel like there are too many variables to overcome. I have no car and he lives DEEP in the valley for one. When someone lives almost 20 miles away it's hard to be casual and 'I was just in the neighborhood'. If I were going to have sex with anyone new I'd want it to be him. Why didn't I go sit next to him after he squoze my hand!? UGH! It will probably be months before I see him again. We however are having a festival in the valley next week so hopefully he will come to it so I can undress him with my eyes.

Which leads to my next issue. 

I have spent long stretches of time alone. As not in a relationship. I don't want to think about it much. Or get sad about it. I always made it a practice not to watch chick movies or read romance novels. Mostly because the men in them are such freaks that they make actual men look like animals. Men in media are perfect. Sometimes flawed, and make mistakes. But always come around to fall in love. 500 Days of Summer was the most realistic movie about love. Because it was about a guy who got fixated on a woman who told him up front that she didn't want a relationship. But he kept getting in deeper till he got hurt. He blamed her even though she was honest going in. That was like real life. But all the other flowery bullshit is brainwashing. I never wanted to fill my head with that shit so I couldn't function in the real world with real men because I expected them to be like in the movies or books. When I had a crush on someone or a lover I would indulge a bit, because I would have an outlet. But black women don't get treated like princesses, or get told how beautiful they are by the man they adore. The last time I was told I was beautiful was by AL, and he would violate me the first time we'd have sex. Also rush through it. I don't know what happened to him.

Anyhoo.

I started downloading games onto my phone to kill time and procrastinate about my life.  I downloaded these story games where you put yourself as the main character. You customize yourself to look however you want. Then you customize your love interest to look any way you want them to. Some games you can customize everyone in your friend group. If you have an ex, them too. You go through and you make choices about what you will do in the story. You get to change clothes and hairstyles depending on where you are going etc. 

I started this one story that was sort of alternative. The people on the cover had colored hair and tattoos and piercings. I was like cool! So I went in. I customize the guys I like to look similar each time. Brown skin, brown eyes, full juicy lips, short kinky dreads or long braids. In this story now he's also covered in tattoos, and used to be in a famous band. He loves music as do I, and has money but chooses to work. There is a club my bestie and I like to hang at. I met him there initially in passing. The next day he shows up at my office and is my new boss. We spend lots of time staring at each other and standing very close. We start going to lunch together and getting to know each other. I guess my character was a smash and dash type chick. My ex broke my heart so I started smash and dashing. I had one guy I hooked up with the most. But I'd sneak out in the middle of the night each time. But the new boss has my attention. Of course the ex appears after three years and wants to talk. Turns out he and the boss used to be in the same band and have bad blood now. The ex hates that I am with his ex bandmate and arch rival. But who cares. I am struggling with wanting to be in a relationship with the new dude and getting over my past heartbreak. We are getting closer and closer. 

I am all caught up in the drama and romance of the story. I found myself wishing the boss guy was real. 

DAMMIT!!!!!

I like can't put the damn thing down. I mean, I have to because you can only read so many chapters at a time then a timer kicks in and tells you how long till the next chapters can be read. It could be an hour or three hours. So I have to wait to see what happens next. I started to feel a little sad. I am so invested in this story but there is nothing remotely like this in my actual life. My character of course is super cute. My dream self. I have a long way to go before I can be the IRL version. I started to wonder if there was anyone IRL that would move me like the guy in the story. Yeah. Dude in Vietnam. He takes my breath away like that. But he's 6000 miles from here. Might not come back either. The couple of times I met guys who really got to me, they promptly moved away! IDK what's up with that. I had strong feelings for Sammy but he was all mixed messages. I'd text him and he wouldn't answer. When I'd see him and ask him if he got my texts he'd say yes. He never had a good enough reason why he didn't answer. Just some bullshit about us being linked telepathically so he answered me in his head. UGH. I called him a couple of months ago and he picked up sort of. It was like he was doing something else. I could hear his voice in the background but he never said HELLO. Then he hung up. When I called back he didn't answer. I went by his shop a few months later and some other guy was at the counter. He wasn't there. Some young looking kid was. He was talking to his mom. I didn't go in and ask where he was. I was afraid to know. 

I don't know what to do about any of it. I guess just read on line romances and forget about it.

-later-

I got to the end of my 'romance story' and it turned out okay. The thing about these stories is that some of them are a few chapters and they end suddenly. Or they build up and leave you high and dry. Like for instance the girl meets the dashing older billionaire. He invites her to a charity gala, and the story ends before she can even pick out a dress. You don't know what happens. UGH! I was hoping this story wouldn't do that. There was so much buildup between the two leads, that I would be angry if the story ended without them consummating their love. The ex comes in and wants to explain his cheating incident to me. He was on the road with his band. He caught a stalker. He kept trying to lose her, and pushing her away. She broke into his room and wouldn't leave. He left and went to his bandmates room to call security. They went to see if she was still in the room, she was gone. He crashed that night in the bandmates room. The next morning he went back to his room to shower and get dressed and call his girl on skype. While he was talking to her the stalker jumps out of the closet and starts talking mad shit like he'd been screwing her the whole tour. His girl freaks out and moves out of their apartment and is nowhere to be found. He never screwed this woman. BUT then the boss man joined the band and had a supermodel girlfriend. The ex was hitting groupies every night. He meets this chick at the bar and screws her that night. Then finds out the next night it was the bosses girlfriend. He immediately cops to it and says he's sorry and he didn't know that was her. She says she was drunk and the ex took advantage. The boss gets pissed at the ex. Stops being friends. The girlfriend goes on tour with them. The boss is coming off stage one night and goes looking for her and catches her with another dude. He realizes that his bandmate was telling the truth about her. But they don't make up, he leaves the band. 

He tells me all of this at the beach with the whole band there even the boss. He begs me to come back to him. I want to move on. It's been three years. Plus I know I'm in love with the boss now. He cries and begs, and that day on skype right before the stalker bust out of the closet he was going to ask me something. Here three years later, right in front of the new man and ex bandmate he says he was going to propose. That's nice and all but it's too late. I choose the boss. 

The boss has a huge house with lots of rooms, two recording studios and a gym. He moves his friend in after the beach trip. He asks to speak to me privately in another part of the house. He takes me into a room and locks the door. It's on and cracking. Sweet love. 

We go to work the next day. After work he wants to take me to dinner. He says he'd like me to stay over so he'd take me by my house to get some of my things. He waits outside for me. When I get to my room, my ex is there with flowers and more begging. I tell him I have made my choice already. He is crying, I am crying but I am not going back to him. He asks if I will come to his house for dinner and a final goodbye. The boss walks in and asks what is going on here? The end. 

The writer may or may not continue the story. I could go on and on with this story. Like their relationship getting serious. The boss proposing. A wedding. Babies the whole thing. I don't know if any stories go on for months like that. But I got really attached to this one. Caught up even.

I feel silly even.