I have always tried to have compassion for people.
When I was in grade school and kids would pick a target to tease, I would never jump on board.
When I got to high school, I made it my business to speak up for kids that got hassled and bullied. If I was around bullies knew what the fuck was what. You don't do that shit in front of me. I would befriend nerds so that bullies wouldn't mess with them.
I would never tell someone they were a loser in a serious way. Or that they were a waste of skin. Even if I thought it, I would keep it to myself.
When I became an adult, I knew having losers around was a choice. Not something I would choose. I wanted to be surrounded by people crushing it. People who had it somewhat figured out. People who were pursuing their dreams relentlessly. People who were in forward motion. Who didn't live on excuses. Who intended to prosper and be happy.
I never thought I would find someone in adulthood who was none of those things. I never thought I could develop feelings for someone who was clearly not moving. There's some fucked up theory that 'you attract what you are.' I can't really buy into that. There are a ton of sweet women who end up with abusive assholes. Does that then make them abusive assholes?
I never subscribed to that whole your man as a materialistic item you use to show off to others and basque in his success as if it were your own. Like those housewives who are married to doctors and lawyers or moguls and have nothing to do all day but spend money while the nanny raises their kids. I wasn't groomed to 'find a husband'. If anything the message was 'get an education so you can take care of yourself.' I wasn't taught to depend on men. I wasn't taught to stand behind them because I was a woman. You can be supportive and kind. If a man is going to start a partnership with you then being part of that team is what you sign on for. You care for EACHOTHER. Not you just taking care of his needs and then you pretend you don't have any. Fuck that.
Mutuality is key.
When someone doesn't care how you feel or what you want they aren't on your side. I experienced this with the painter. His condition made it and issue but how much was condition and how much was him just being a hard headded selfish typical hood male? There is no way to know percentages.
He would make a statement during a conversation that he was a grown assed man at 25. I nearly burst into laughter. Because at 37 he absolutely wasn't grown. Still a giant child. Still selfish like a child. Becoming a man is putting others before yourself. Caring about people outside of yourself. He would proclaim all the time how selfish he was. How he was 'regressing'. To me all that said was 'I have zero intention of caring about you.' The more he said it the farther it pushed me away. The only consistent thing he did was disappoint me. He would always say he would be by on such and such a day and promptly not show up. He was always telling me he'd make it up to me, and never would. He just seemed as if he was trying to leave the 'situationship' and didn't want to say so. So I simply stopped talking to him. There was no desire to call. No missing him. No tears. No sighs of regret. The only reason I went back before was the idea that I hadn't slept with him. The what if if he would be the next great sexcapde. So I hung around. But the sex was trash. One time it seemed like it was going to get good. But then it never did. Then he pulled that 'I need something to eat' trick and that was the end of it for me. He bragged before how he would blow my back out. How he would do this and that to me. Yeah, still waiting. Got sick of waiting. I have had men that were great in bed. That gave me what I wanted. That cared if I was satisfied or not, and went the distance till I was. I know what that is like. His skills never got past high school. In any degree. Everything about him was high school. I started to get frustrated with how far behind he was. How he was the OPPOSITE of what I wanted in so many ways. Physically he was an ideal. But every other way he was a disappointment. I didn't come all this way just to be let down at every turn.
Every time he let me down I would think of what I wish I had. I'd think of what I deserved. If I hung around longer, he would have probably stopped talking to me just to prove a point. The thing with people with low self esteem is that if you like them they hate you for it. I've been thought it before. I knew what it looked like. I knew where it led.
If found myself spending most of my time wishing he was different. Wishing he cared how I felt. Wishing he would stop being so fucking selfish and become the man I wanted. Wishing he was good in bed and horny all the time and coming over every couple of days to let me have it. Even if we weren't having a great love affair; we'd at least have great sex. That never happened. There was no point in continuing. He was officially useless to me. Waste of time and energy.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Cleanse 4 of 5
It's been a weird season for me. I am in an intense emotional slump.
I started a business planning course last weekend, and was invited to a commercial real estate class. It messed me way up. I went in thinking I would find out how to scam one of these empty buildings for my workspace. But then the instructor started talking about investing and growing wealth. Totally knocked me for a loop.
I started thinking about the future. How I don't have any money to speak of. No husband. No assets. I have to prepare myself. Plus I have always wanted to create housing choices for creative people. I want a space for myself. I have always wanted a warehouse to live in with a creative space attached. This could happen. My head was swimming. I couldn't breathe. There were people in the room who had already bought properties and just wanted more information. There were also some very attractive age appropriate guys there, and I felt like a complete loser.
When I left I walked through a parkinglot that was full. I was the only one on foot going to catch a bus. I don't have a basic thing like a car. I am so far away from 'purchasing my first property'. It's mind numbing.
I thought about it all night. While eating my last can of soup. Could I own a rental property? Could I buy a warehouse and move in there? Or a condo? How could I do this with no car? Should I just shelf it till I get a job and a car? It would be better to be able to have money from property then use that to start the fashion business instead of trying to get loans for a fashion business that I have to worry about paying back.
A performance space, showroom, gallery gathering spot. But how will I find it with no car.
I have shit to work out.
I started a business planning course last weekend, and was invited to a commercial real estate class. It messed me way up. I went in thinking I would find out how to scam one of these empty buildings for my workspace. But then the instructor started talking about investing and growing wealth. Totally knocked me for a loop.
I started thinking about the future. How I don't have any money to speak of. No husband. No assets. I have to prepare myself. Plus I have always wanted to create housing choices for creative people. I want a space for myself. I have always wanted a warehouse to live in with a creative space attached. This could happen. My head was swimming. I couldn't breathe. There were people in the room who had already bought properties and just wanted more information. There were also some very attractive age appropriate guys there, and I felt like a complete loser.
When I left I walked through a parkinglot that was full. I was the only one on foot going to catch a bus. I don't have a basic thing like a car. I am so far away from 'purchasing my first property'. It's mind numbing.
I thought about it all night. While eating my last can of soup. Could I own a rental property? Could I buy a warehouse and move in there? Or a condo? How could I do this with no car? Should I just shelf it till I get a job and a car? It would be better to be able to have money from property then use that to start the fashion business instead of trying to get loans for a fashion business that I have to worry about paying back.
A performance space, showroom, gallery gathering spot. But how will I find it with no car.
I have shit to work out.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Cleanse 3 of 5
I thought it would take 5 posts to work through my feelings. It's a little embarrassing that it won't. I have to restructure my life so this doesn't happen again.
In the meanwhile my business partner and I had a falling out and I am considering leaving the organization. There is nothing more exasperating than a person who takes on the world and then gets angry because you didn't jump in and help them. He never said he needed help and he never asked for help. So then he asked me to meet him to help prepare for the event then after I traveled and hour to meet him he left without me. I was livid. The next day we tried to talk it out but he was not willing to listen. He had it in his mind I was useless. I've been all over trying to find a space for our events because the theater we used to be at got sold. I was able to speak to the new owners and get us back on the schedule. I did that. But I'm useless. Then turns out some women had complaints about me. One women felt I looked at her wrong. One felt I was pissed she talked to a guy I wanted to talk to. Not! One said I asked for a ride. I asked what direction she was going in. She was going in the opposite direction. That was the end of the conversation. But she seemed to have a need to contact my partner and tell him that I was WAY OUT OF LINE.
I am an alpha female. I don't get small for people. I don't pretend for people. Especially if I am not on my job getting paid. This is my free time and I am not getting paid. It was a hobby pretty much. That we were trying to make a real thing and get paid from. I don't want to deal with temper tantrums, or insecure females. If it's going to just continue then I'd rather move on.
This is just another thing I would rather not have to deal with right now.
My stress level has been off the charts. I have been feeling down. I have been wanting to be distracted but can't do that either. I don't feel like doing anything. I am broke all the time since I'm between jobs. I don't have a bank account anymore because it's a couple of hundred negative. So no uber for me. I am swimming deep in the ocean. I feel like I can't breathe.
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over again.
I want to reinvent myself.
I want to find a good paying job so I can get the car I want so I can go places I want.
I want to get sewing supplies and tools so I can start creating and being my authentic self.
No more struggle
In the meanwhile my business partner and I had a falling out and I am considering leaving the organization. There is nothing more exasperating than a person who takes on the world and then gets angry because you didn't jump in and help them. He never said he needed help and he never asked for help. So then he asked me to meet him to help prepare for the event then after I traveled and hour to meet him he left without me. I was livid. The next day we tried to talk it out but he was not willing to listen. He had it in his mind I was useless. I've been all over trying to find a space for our events because the theater we used to be at got sold. I was able to speak to the new owners and get us back on the schedule. I did that. But I'm useless. Then turns out some women had complaints about me. One women felt I looked at her wrong. One felt I was pissed she talked to a guy I wanted to talk to. Not! One said I asked for a ride. I asked what direction she was going in. She was going in the opposite direction. That was the end of the conversation. But she seemed to have a need to contact my partner and tell him that I was WAY OUT OF LINE.
I am an alpha female. I don't get small for people. I don't pretend for people. Especially if I am not on my job getting paid. This is my free time and I am not getting paid. It was a hobby pretty much. That we were trying to make a real thing and get paid from. I don't want to deal with temper tantrums, or insecure females. If it's going to just continue then I'd rather move on.
This is just another thing I would rather not have to deal with right now.
My stress level has been off the charts. I have been feeling down. I have been wanting to be distracted but can't do that either. I don't feel like doing anything. I am broke all the time since I'm between jobs. I don't have a bank account anymore because it's a couple of hundred negative. So no uber for me. I am swimming deep in the ocean. I feel like I can't breathe.
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over again.
I want to reinvent myself.
I want to find a good paying job so I can get the car I want so I can go places I want.
I want to get sewing supplies and tools so I can start creating and being my authentic self.
No more struggle
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Cleanse 2 of 5
One thing I have never in my life had was a photo of myself and my boyfriend. Once I had a Polaroid camera and took a picture with a guy I was sleeping with. I burned the picture a week later. There are no photos of me with men I loved. There is one, but we aren't in a relationship. He's half way around the world and might never return. He sort of knows how I feel, but not totally.
I feel I have to be someone else for him to love me.
I always thought ghosting was the rudest thing you could do to a person. It mostly happens when you meet someone on line and don't click after one or two dates. You stop talking to them. There were no feelings involved. Guys ghost after sex. They sell you this line about wanting to know you better and taking you out this weekend, then they ghost. I thought I'd never be that rude to anyone. There is mutual ghosting. But if it's mutual, is it really ghosting?
In this case even though we have been in contact for over a year, I ghosted. I felt it was appropriate. I am a ghost in his life anyway. Last in line. Not worth any effort. There isn't a single trace of his dumb ass anywhere. It's not hard getting rid of him. He text good morning once on Monday. I didn't answer. Nothing since. I'm sure his robot heart isn't the least bothered. He had to know it was coming. He predicted it would come to this. But because some other dude was better. It's better for him to think that.
No more guys with low self esteem
No more guys with nothing, regardless of where I am.
I always thought that because I am pretty much broke how can I judge someone for being in the same predicament. But I don't care anymore.
It seems like the main reason most guys are single. BROKE!
No more guys without transportation (car)
No more guys obsessed with their mothers
Because I haven't had components in place like my own place, a car and an income to go do things I accepted sex only situations instead. How dare I try to be in a relationship when I don't have any of these things. Then I had a car and not the other two. Then I had a place and not the other two. Once I get all three then I have to lose 100 lbs. I see this as the point when I can think I might be seen as dateable. Or relationship material. I feel overwhelmed by these. Because I want love today. Not five years from now. I don't want to hold it all in until these material things are in place. I am worthy today. I was worthy yesterday. I just can't seem to attract what I want. I attract bums. The unaware. The only able to see me as disposable.
I want and need much more.
I don't have any feelings for him. I am not craving him. I am not dying to hear his voice or see him. I don't miss him. I just feel foolish for even trying to love him. I didn't know about his condition right away. After I knew, somehow I thought I could charm him out of it. I can't. I give up. I'm moving on.
I'm trying to see what lesson I am supposed to learn from this. How wasting a year of my life is supposed to help me. I don't want to be this person who is constantly falling for guys who hate me. Or don't have the balls to be with me.
I don't want to keep picking the same unavailable man over and over again.
I feel I have to be someone else for him to love me.
I always thought ghosting was the rudest thing you could do to a person. It mostly happens when you meet someone on line and don't click after one or two dates. You stop talking to them. There were no feelings involved. Guys ghost after sex. They sell you this line about wanting to know you better and taking you out this weekend, then they ghost. I thought I'd never be that rude to anyone. There is mutual ghosting. But if it's mutual, is it really ghosting?
In this case even though we have been in contact for over a year, I ghosted. I felt it was appropriate. I am a ghost in his life anyway. Last in line. Not worth any effort. There isn't a single trace of his dumb ass anywhere. It's not hard getting rid of him. He text good morning once on Monday. I didn't answer. Nothing since. I'm sure his robot heart isn't the least bothered. He had to know it was coming. He predicted it would come to this. But because some other dude was better. It's better for him to think that.
No more guys with low self esteem
No more guys with nothing, regardless of where I am.
I always thought that because I am pretty much broke how can I judge someone for being in the same predicament. But I don't care anymore.
It seems like the main reason most guys are single. BROKE!
No more guys without transportation (car)
No more guys obsessed with their mothers
Because I haven't had components in place like my own place, a car and an income to go do things I accepted sex only situations instead. How dare I try to be in a relationship when I don't have any of these things. Then I had a car and not the other two. Then I had a place and not the other two. Once I get all three then I have to lose 100 lbs. I see this as the point when I can think I might be seen as dateable. Or relationship material. I feel overwhelmed by these. Because I want love today. Not five years from now. I don't want to hold it all in until these material things are in place. I am worthy today. I was worthy yesterday. I just can't seem to attract what I want. I attract bums. The unaware. The only able to see me as disposable.
I want and need much more.
I don't have any feelings for him. I am not craving him. I am not dying to hear his voice or see him. I don't miss him. I just feel foolish for even trying to love him. I didn't know about his condition right away. After I knew, somehow I thought I could charm him out of it. I can't. I give up. I'm moving on.
I'm trying to see what lesson I am supposed to learn from this. How wasting a year of my life is supposed to help me. I don't want to be this person who is constantly falling for guys who hate me. Or don't have the balls to be with me.
I don't want to keep picking the same unavailable man over and over again.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Cleanse 1 of 5
If someone cares for another someone and they speak everyday, and they haven't heard from the other person for 3 days; they would be worried. They would at least text and ask if everything was okay.
He probably thinks that I am mad at him because of BP. That was just the icing on a very big eat shit cake.
We met last February 11. I wanted him to be my Valentine but we just met so we skipped it. A month later was my birthday. I wanted to spend the day with him. He needed to get his hair cut the same day so I didn't see him till 6pm. He showed up with no card or gift. We went to the movies. I can't remember who paid.
I had the SUV back then so I drove. I dropped him at the train station and he gave me this intense passionate kiss. I thought wow! More to come.
That would be the last passionate kiss I would get.
He lives with his mother (strike)
He doesn't have a car (strike) His licence was suspended for a time which ends this March. (half a strike)
He suffers with asbergers syndrome. I didn't really consider this a strike until now. It makes him unfeeling. Unable to empathize. Unable to put anyone's needs before his own.
He says " I'm selfish." But I think he's just a hood dude that is just trapped in a mindset on top of his syndrome. He thinks it's funny to not take me out. To tell me 'not tonight.' when I am feeling sad or emotional and need him. He thinks nothing of cancelling plans he's had for months with me on a whim with no regard to my feelings. That it makes him the powerful one in the relationship.
He told me he wanted to be #1 in my life, but then treats me like an afterthought. Not to mention says he's 'dealing' with other people?
He's never in 8 months spent the night.
He's never taken me to eat.
He's never paid me a single compliment
He isn't great in bed. It's like going back in time and having sex with your high school boyfriend. His knowledge of the female body is that of a teenage boy. Which is unfortunate because he has a great package and a gorgeous body. What a waste.
He could barely stay hard half the times we had sex. 2 times he made it to completion. His own. I never had an orgasm. He demanded it. I explained what it would take to help me. He never would do anything to make it happen. The last time we had sex he stopped in the middle again. Then said he needed a snack and then he'd be back and ready to go again. I made him a snack. He ate. Then left and went home. Another fuck you.
He would make me wait a month for sex.
Who else is he fucking? Probably moms.
Who is the main reason I don't see him. The car is hers. If she decides he can't drive he won't come over. It doesn't occur to him to get on a bus and come see me. This is why he's not a man. Not mentally or physically. Physically a man wants sex. He's driven by it. Mommy says you can't use the car and that's it? That's why I feel like they are fucking. You can not see me for a month, and it's no problem?
I imagine the reason for not staying hard is also wired to mommy as well.
I had a fantasy of the hot creative man that I would have a loft with and we'd create together. But he's not it. He said we would be. But it would be at expense to my soul.
It's fallen into this whole black love can't make it hole. I know it's this loser. But why did I attract this loser into my life? Why was he so attractive to me. Why did I want him so much? Why was the fantasy so strong?
Why did I pick the absolute wrong person. The one person who absolutely can't give me a single thing I want? Not even sex. He is the antithesis of me. Not in that 'we balance eachother out' kind of way. More like he's going to drag me down till I can't take anymore. He can't break me. I'd leave long before that. It's so sad. I attracted sadness and brokenness into my life. The exact opposite of what I wanted. Why did I do this?
He probably thinks that I am mad at him because of BP. That was just the icing on a very big eat shit cake.
We met last February 11. I wanted him to be my Valentine but we just met so we skipped it. A month later was my birthday. I wanted to spend the day with him. He needed to get his hair cut the same day so I didn't see him till 6pm. He showed up with no card or gift. We went to the movies. I can't remember who paid.
I had the SUV back then so I drove. I dropped him at the train station and he gave me this intense passionate kiss. I thought wow! More to come.
That would be the last passionate kiss I would get.
He lives with his mother (strike)
He doesn't have a car (strike) His licence was suspended for a time which ends this March. (half a strike)
He suffers with asbergers syndrome. I didn't really consider this a strike until now. It makes him unfeeling. Unable to empathize. Unable to put anyone's needs before his own.
He says " I'm selfish." But I think he's just a hood dude that is just trapped in a mindset on top of his syndrome. He thinks it's funny to not take me out. To tell me 'not tonight.' when I am feeling sad or emotional and need him. He thinks nothing of cancelling plans he's had for months with me on a whim with no regard to my feelings. That it makes him the powerful one in the relationship.
He told me he wanted to be #1 in my life, but then treats me like an afterthought. Not to mention says he's 'dealing' with other people?
He's never in 8 months spent the night.
He's never taken me to eat.
He's never paid me a single compliment
He isn't great in bed. It's like going back in time and having sex with your high school boyfriend. His knowledge of the female body is that of a teenage boy. Which is unfortunate because he has a great package and a gorgeous body. What a waste.
He could barely stay hard half the times we had sex. 2 times he made it to completion. His own. I never had an orgasm. He demanded it. I explained what it would take to help me. He never would do anything to make it happen. The last time we had sex he stopped in the middle again. Then said he needed a snack and then he'd be back and ready to go again. I made him a snack. He ate. Then left and went home. Another fuck you.
He would make me wait a month for sex.
Who else is he fucking? Probably moms.
Who is the main reason I don't see him. The car is hers. If she decides he can't drive he won't come over. It doesn't occur to him to get on a bus and come see me. This is why he's not a man. Not mentally or physically. Physically a man wants sex. He's driven by it. Mommy says you can't use the car and that's it? That's why I feel like they are fucking. You can not see me for a month, and it's no problem?
I imagine the reason for not staying hard is also wired to mommy as well.
I had a fantasy of the hot creative man that I would have a loft with and we'd create together. But he's not it. He said we would be. But it would be at expense to my soul.
It's fallen into this whole black love can't make it hole. I know it's this loser. But why did I attract this loser into my life? Why was he so attractive to me. Why did I want him so much? Why was the fantasy so strong?
Why did I pick the absolute wrong person. The one person who absolutely can't give me a single thing I want? Not even sex. He is the antithesis of me. Not in that 'we balance eachother out' kind of way. More like he's going to drag me down till I can't take anymore. He can't break me. I'd leave long before that. It's so sad. I attracted sadness and brokenness into my life. The exact opposite of what I wanted. Why did I do this?
Bottom fell out
The Valentine's thing was still hovering, when Black Panther was rounding the corner. We have known for months this film was opening. He and I planned to see it together for months.
I was planning an outfit inspired by the film. Hair that was cool and went with the outfit. I have been stressed and depressed for two weeks and really needed something to shake me out of it. Valentines put me deeper in. The film would be a celebration. Plus he and I would see it together. I had been having an impossible time finding the energy to do anything. Sewing was piling up. I changed my design several times. Then decided I wanted something like a dress. Feminine. Like I was on a date.
Friday I wouldn't be ready. And besides my account was overdrawn so I couldn't get my ticket on line. I had cash. I'd ask him to get the tickets for the show and I would pay him in cash.
My group decided to schedule our meetup on Saturday. I had a ticket for a play my friend was performing in that day. So I couldn't help host. So then Sunday would be it. I was talking to him on the phone to nail down the details when he says.
" I might have to go with the fam. So I can't go with you."
Just like that. I didn't have the energy to argue. I was too angry to speak. I said fine and hung up. I am sure he didn't even MENTION he made plans with me. Or feel he should make the time since he did nothing for valentines. But nope his wife mother wins again.
This is why he will never be a man.
This intrusive intimate relationship he has with his fucking mother. He lives with her, and drives her car like a wife. Wouldn't shock me if he fucks her too. I am completely drained of everything.
So I tried to make other plans. No one would go with me. This made me feel worse. I stayed home.
Monday was a holiday. I didn't want to stay home a third day. So I made some pants to wear, got dressed and planned to get to the 4 pm show. I saw the shows selling out on line all day. I was angry about my bank account. If I could get a ticket on line I would be cool.
I went outside and it was cold and windy. There were black clouds. I got to the mall went right in to get my ticket. It was crowded beyond belief. But I saw the 4pm show wasn't sold out yet. I got to the cashier and even though the 4pm show was still on the board, only 7 pm was available.
NO! I can't hang around here alone for the next 3 hours. I went across the street and paid a bill. It was raining. GREAT!
I got two slices of pizza to go and waited the rain out. I walked the 3 blocks to wait for the bus. I got back home by 5. Ate and went back to bed.
Cramping like crazy. So yep aunt flo arrived. Long nap.
I texted my best friend several times this week. She never text me back. She said on line that she needed to go see Black Panther. I text to see if she wanted to go with me. Total silence. Come to find out she's in palm springs with her boyfriend touring museums. She's posting on line and ignoring my texts.
Of course I'm jealous. I wish I had a boyfriend that would do that. But it really hurt she didn't bother answering my texts. I started crying. That hurt way more than that fucker brushing me off for his mother. Just to ignore me totally.
I'm already struggling. Trying to hold on.
I'm tired of wishing I had someone who loved me. I am tired of being by myself ALL the time. The simple things I can't get. Tired of that.
I have to work my ass off to get a car.
I have to work my ass off to get the weight off
I have to work my ass off to get my wardrobe elevated to catch the eye of the kind of people I want around me.
I am out of this shitty neighborhood.
I am back into dance classes
I am in to spin school
I am my design business on line
I am dating incredible men
I am in love. The real thing.
I won't look back.
I was planning an outfit inspired by the film. Hair that was cool and went with the outfit. I have been stressed and depressed for two weeks and really needed something to shake me out of it. Valentines put me deeper in. The film would be a celebration. Plus he and I would see it together. I had been having an impossible time finding the energy to do anything. Sewing was piling up. I changed my design several times. Then decided I wanted something like a dress. Feminine. Like I was on a date.
Friday I wouldn't be ready. And besides my account was overdrawn so I couldn't get my ticket on line. I had cash. I'd ask him to get the tickets for the show and I would pay him in cash.
My group decided to schedule our meetup on Saturday. I had a ticket for a play my friend was performing in that day. So I couldn't help host. So then Sunday would be it. I was talking to him on the phone to nail down the details when he says.
" I might have to go with the fam. So I can't go with you."
Just like that. I didn't have the energy to argue. I was too angry to speak. I said fine and hung up. I am sure he didn't even MENTION he made plans with me. Or feel he should make the time since he did nothing for valentines. But nope his wife mother wins again.
This is why he will never be a man.
This intrusive intimate relationship he has with his fucking mother. He lives with her, and drives her car like a wife. Wouldn't shock me if he fucks her too. I am completely drained of everything.
So I tried to make other plans. No one would go with me. This made me feel worse. I stayed home.
Monday was a holiday. I didn't want to stay home a third day. So I made some pants to wear, got dressed and planned to get to the 4 pm show. I saw the shows selling out on line all day. I was angry about my bank account. If I could get a ticket on line I would be cool.
I went outside and it was cold and windy. There were black clouds. I got to the mall went right in to get my ticket. It was crowded beyond belief. But I saw the 4pm show wasn't sold out yet. I got to the cashier and even though the 4pm show was still on the board, only 7 pm was available.
NO! I can't hang around here alone for the next 3 hours. I went across the street and paid a bill. It was raining. GREAT!
I got two slices of pizza to go and waited the rain out. I walked the 3 blocks to wait for the bus. I got back home by 5. Ate and went back to bed.
Cramping like crazy. So yep aunt flo arrived. Long nap.
I texted my best friend several times this week. She never text me back. She said on line that she needed to go see Black Panther. I text to see if she wanted to go with me. Total silence. Come to find out she's in palm springs with her boyfriend touring museums. She's posting on line and ignoring my texts.
Of course I'm jealous. I wish I had a boyfriend that would do that. But it really hurt she didn't bother answering my texts. I started crying. That hurt way more than that fucker brushing me off for his mother. Just to ignore me totally.
I'm already struggling. Trying to hold on.
I'm tired of wishing I had someone who loved me. I am tired of being by myself ALL the time. The simple things I can't get. Tired of that.
I have to work my ass off to get a car.
I have to work my ass off to get the weight off
I have to work my ass off to get my wardrobe elevated to catch the eye of the kind of people I want around me.
I am out of this shitty neighborhood.
I am back into dance classes
I am in to spin school
I am my design business on line
I am dating incredible men
I am in love. The real thing.
I won't look back.
Friday, February 16, 2018
Valentine's Zero
It's a bizarre feeling to be dating someone for months and then brace yourself to have NOTHING on Valentine's Day. No card, chocolate or even a visit. NOTHING. I got angry. I need and want attention and I have to deal with this. I bought some fuschia fabric that I imagined in a cute dress to wear for the day. But I didn't bother. It's not the first time I've been in this position.
I want it to be the last.
Weeks ago I asked for a big cupcake pillow from him. I still don't have it.
That night we had a long talk about him not reciprocating or making effort. He mentioned not being able to take the car whenever. I told him then he needs to have a back up plan. Like another way to get here. Because when he doesn't it's like someone else is in control of MY relationship. Like his mother decides when I get to see you and when I don't and that doesn't fly with me.
He said I was bordering on being disrespectful.
I didn't care. I needed to get it all out.
He'd visited the day before and stayed pretty late. But we didn't really talk. We watched Luke Cage. He hugged me tight and kissed me a bunch.
But in the Valentine's conversation he mentions that I am not the only one he's dealing with. He isn't sleeping with them but he sees other people. I don't know how. That pissed me off because he was always telling me he wanted to be number one. But then he's seeing other people. I have been trying to be honest and respectful of him, but I am tired.
We planned to see Black Panther together. That would be our big date.
Then tonight he tells me he may be seeing it with his family. His mom and sister and nieces and nephews. On the one hand it's his family. But on the other hand he's a grown man in a 8 month long relationship. He's planned to see it with me for months. I wondered if he even mentioned the plan to his family. Or if I am instantly expendable. THEY say they are doing something, and I am not a factor. Part of me gets it part of me is pissed because he abandon me AGAIN.
I wish I could win the lottery, have everything I want and just stop dealing with him.
There are two or three other guys who I could be sleeping with. But who will take me to the movies and spend time with me. I don't want to go alone. But I have done it a thousand times. That's the problem. I'm always doing things alone.
I am tired of it. Or I am going out with gay guy friends. I'm tired.
Like I planned to go to a play with a guy friend over a month ago which falls on Saturday. I told him I was going. Then magically he's going to the movie with his family. But the next day.
I wish I could meet a hot guy who was crazy about me. Has a car and wanted to spend lots of time with me. Taking me out and stuff. I would have no problem getting past the painter. I'm sick of not being a priority ever.
Not being thought of.
I have to start cleansing my feelings so I can ween myself off him. We haven't had sex in weeks so that won't be that difficult.
He makes me feel like I can't ask. If I ask he will make an excuse anyway.
He's like an old man. Your average red blooded american male when offered sex will get there by any means necessary. Not this one.
It's really beneath me.
I want it to be the last.
Weeks ago I asked for a big cupcake pillow from him. I still don't have it.
That night we had a long talk about him not reciprocating or making effort. He mentioned not being able to take the car whenever. I told him then he needs to have a back up plan. Like another way to get here. Because when he doesn't it's like someone else is in control of MY relationship. Like his mother decides when I get to see you and when I don't and that doesn't fly with me.
He said I was bordering on being disrespectful.
I didn't care. I needed to get it all out.
He'd visited the day before and stayed pretty late. But we didn't really talk. We watched Luke Cage. He hugged me tight and kissed me a bunch.
But in the Valentine's conversation he mentions that I am not the only one he's dealing with. He isn't sleeping with them but he sees other people. I don't know how. That pissed me off because he was always telling me he wanted to be number one. But then he's seeing other people. I have been trying to be honest and respectful of him, but I am tired.
We planned to see Black Panther together. That would be our big date.
Then tonight he tells me he may be seeing it with his family. His mom and sister and nieces and nephews. On the one hand it's his family. But on the other hand he's a grown man in a 8 month long relationship. He's planned to see it with me for months. I wondered if he even mentioned the plan to his family. Or if I am instantly expendable. THEY say they are doing something, and I am not a factor. Part of me gets it part of me is pissed because he abandon me AGAIN.
I wish I could win the lottery, have everything I want and just stop dealing with him.
There are two or three other guys who I could be sleeping with. But who will take me to the movies and spend time with me. I don't want to go alone. But I have done it a thousand times. That's the problem. I'm always doing things alone.
I am tired of it. Or I am going out with gay guy friends. I'm tired.
Like I planned to go to a play with a guy friend over a month ago which falls on Saturday. I told him I was going. Then magically he's going to the movie with his family. But the next day.
I wish I could meet a hot guy who was crazy about me. Has a car and wanted to spend lots of time with me. Taking me out and stuff. I would have no problem getting past the painter. I'm sick of not being a priority ever.
Not being thought of.
I have to start cleansing my feelings so I can ween myself off him. We haven't had sex in weeks so that won't be that difficult.
He makes me feel like I can't ask. If I ask he will make an excuse anyway.
He's like an old man. Your average red blooded american male when offered sex will get there by any means necessary. Not this one.
It's really beneath me.
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