Shock not shock

I saw on line an obesity study that paid $1,000. I figured I'd sign up. Getting there would be another story entirely. 

Today I finally went. The place doesn't seem very organized. They say I have to 'qualify' for the study because I have to have a certain gene that causes obesity. So they needed to take blood and test for the gene. They couldn't find a vein (no one ever can) so they swabbed my mouth instead. If I qualify, then I get compensated. They were so unorganized I won't plan on hearing from them or making money. However......

I had to get on a scale.

gulp

290

I assume their scale will add pounds because they are trying to get people in the study, but almost 20 pounds? I am in shock. I was like 10 pounds till I round 300. Nice. But I doubt that I weigh that much. Do they have a scale at CVS? I have to get a scrip filled.

I did the math, I am twice my body weight. I am 145 lbs overweight. That was my original weight. It was a lifetime ago. When I was 20 I was 145. Now at 50 I am twice that. It is hard for me to lose any weight when half of the food I eat in a month comes from the food bank. I will admit the last two months I have been indulging in soda and ice cream regularly. It was so hot out only an ice cold soda felt good. Stepping on the scale showed me that my indulgence was real. I have the weight to prove it. I am upset, but not crying or feeling like I have to starve myself. Whenever I think about losing weight; I start craving junk food. I want pizza or burgers. I think about ice cream. It's been this way for years. I finally did all the research about how to lose the weight and know what I have to do. There is a plan on line that I wanted to buy once I started working but here I am 8 months into the year and I still don't have a job. There is a job fair tomorrow and I put myself on a mailing list for it. But I wasn't ready to go. I don't have an outfit ready. I feel my wardrobe is incredibly shabby. Especially the shoes. If I had some expensive shoes; I could fake my way in. Plus a bag to match. I feel everything I own looks like a homeless person. Nothing looks polished. Nothing looks expensive. I am self conscious whenever I have to dress to go to an interview or to an office. But maybe I might have to fake my way through it. I can't take feeling stuck. Unwanted, Ugly/Fat, broke anymore. I don't want to commit suicide or anything. I just don't want this to be all there is.