...and back to dark again

I was paranoid about not being on time to my first day. I didn't know what to wear. I pulled out my most plain clothes for the week. I hate 'office attire' but I will do it so I can have a life. I got my period on Friday and had been cramping. I was really hyper aware of how I looked and felt. I was worried I'd smell bad. I was really worried about it. But my flow would be lighter today. I took a shower in the morning and at night.

I got there at the stroke of 9 and had to wait about 30 minutes. I went in with another girl who had apparently worked there before. A lady showed me what to do. I worked on a stack of mail. I sat next to two cool people. We chatted a bit throughout the day.

Over the weekend I did a bunch of dreaming. My friends were planning the trip to Seattle. I was excited to finally have money to do what I wanted. Finally be able to pay my way with my friends. I put headders on my pages in my sketch book, but I didn't fill them in. I couldn't. Not yet. I told myself, get through the week then this weekend start making the list. 

I found cheap sneakers on line I wanted. I thought about outfits and hair. I would be able to go on my diet and start losing weight. I was feeling relief. I was feeling hope. I was seeing my car in 6 weeks. 

I got through the day and made my way to the train. The agency tried to call me but my phone was dying. I told her I would charge my phone and text her to call me.

I got a twinge. 

It's bad news.

Nah.

Shake it off.

Then I got anxious. 

I started to worry.

She called.

The news was not good. The job called and said it wasn't going to work out. Their needs changed. REALLY? Since this morning? I started to worry that I smelled bad, and someone complained. I felt like people were talking behind my back. I noticed that the mail room was low key segregated. Latin girls on one side blacks on the other. The lawyers cubby holes are over the Latin sides area. I had to sort mail and put it in the cubbys. But I had to hunt for the names. I kept hearing giggling, and talking in spanish. For a second I thought they were saying mean things about me and giggling. Then 'it's not working out, their needs have changed.'

I am trying not to get sad. I am trying my best not to be derailed by this. I made like $100. How can I make this money work for me so I don't have to beg for jobs? I am not going back in the bag.

I won't!

I've smelled fresh air, and felt the sun.

I can't go back!