Lament

It's that time again. 5:30am. The traffic starts to pick up outside and so I shut my windows so I don't hear it. I haven't slept at night for like a week. I don't have a reason to. A thought popped into my head. "I don't have to smarts or skill to get a job." No one will be able to help me either, what will I do?

I feel like I am being forced to the Dollar General on purpose, because it will truly be temporary. I won't be tempted to get comfortable and still be working there 3 years from now. It's only to make the 250 to start my shoe business. I can make the money for my trip too. Then quit right before I go. Or not. Who knows, they might give me 4 days off. But time is running out. It's already the 20th of July. It's only a month away to the trip. I have to make a move. Even if I got a temp job for a week at $14 an hour that would work. But the likelyhood of that happening is pretty low. 

I am depressed but trying not to let it out. I am angry and I feel like my life is being eroded away a little at a time. I am always on pinterest looking at all the things I have saved and then saving more things. Always daydreaming about what it would be like to live like one of those women. To be put together, look expensive and gorgeous. Have every bag, pair of shoes, outfit and hairstyle. Finally project myself the real way I am. I want to be 'stunning' and 'breath taking' when people see me. I want to have the expensive leather boots that I will have for the rest of my life. I want to craft my own leather jackets. I want to put pieces on IG and people go nuts and want them. I want to see stuff I created in movies and on TV. 

I hurt so bad inside because sometimes I feel like I am at the end of my rope. That this is as good as my life will ever be. That I have to just accept it and wait to die. I hate the hopeless feelings I get. I hate feeling like I will always be along. Like no man of any worth will ever see me and cherish me. That the best relationship I will ever have will be the one I had 27 years ago. That makes me the saddest of all. I used sex to cover up the fact we had nothing in common, and that he wasn't what I wanted to be with. When you are young you can do that. Hide out. Not so much when you are older. You need more. 

I don't feel like I will ever know what it's like to be loved. Because of my social status. My income level. All I run across is bums and convicts. It's funny how I miss living in Hollywood and Echo park. How I felt different there. Where as here I feel abandon. Like the way ghost #2 talked about the neighborhood. Like I lived in a garbage dump. People are scared of this neighborhood for no real reason that it's south central. There are no drive by shootings, no gang wars. People own homes and work everyday. It's just really dirty. Sidewalks are filthy and the streets too even though they sweep them occasionally. It's broken glass, garbage and grime. It makes me feel some type of way. Hollywood had it's grime too, but the people were more diverse. It's what I miss. A balance of people.  Here I feel like an interloper. Everyone is mexican. When I see black people they are falling apart. Sad and poor. It gets to me. I can't handle it sometimes. Like the mentally ill black woman with her pants pulled down sitting on the sidewalk taking a piss. I can't handle it. Mexicans are prospering PAST us! They are doing better than us! IDK why that is. Maybe because they have a collective to help them. Their families are so big and tight knit they pool their resources and move forward. Black people are all about themselves and fuck family members who have their hands out. We always have those. The ones who gave up and we have to take care of them. It makes us bitter. I have to take care of my mom. I am all she has. I get frustrated that I can't help her more. When she needs groceries, or help with her bills. I want to see her and my dad.