deep breaths

I feel like my whole life stands still when I am waiting for money to arrive. I did make $20 off of an offer and spent it on food. I worked the one day at the law office and I was waiting for that check. It was like $84. I wanted a nail fill. I wanted to do my hair; but that will have to wait. I ate lunch, and bought sundries. I ran out of all my body soaps, and lotion. I bought a couple weeks worth of TP. I finally got another bottle of ACV and a bottle of raw honey so I could start on my weight loss on my own since I don't have a real income coming in to pay $160 for the diet I want to be on. I have to do it myself. Of course I broke down and had cupcakes and milk yesterday. It's anger, frustration, hopelessness that make me reach for them. I make calls about job openings, no one calls me back. There was an obesity study that said it would pay $2,500 and I have been calling them for a week. Someone called and left a message and I called back and left a message. It would be great if I could start that study. You don't get paid in a lump sum. You get paid over the course of the study. Like $75 at a time per visit. I could use that money to start chipping away at my goals. 

I have been putting off applying at Dollar General because I don't want to be on my feet all day. But the Seattle trip is coming up and I don't want to be left out. That's at least $300. I signed up for a free travel site. Supposedly you get paid each week to do nothing. I haven't finished signing up yet. I can't stop thinking about clothes, shoes, hair and most of all losing weight. I have flashes of being thin again (150lbs) and a size 9. Being able to shop off the rack. Being able to talk to men that are attractive and desirable. To go on real dates. To be seen for once. Then I flip over and think men really aren't that important. They can be profoundly disappointing. You spend so much energy trying to get their attention just to be used and abused. Or they get obsessed with you and want you to fulfill some fantasy that they are having about themselves and you are just a prop in said fantasy and they really don't care about you; just how you look. But it's a double edged sword. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't look good, you have no power. But if you look good; you get your power taken from you by men. They want to covet and possess you. Not love you. They get petty and jealous and don't care about your needs whatsoever. So why kill myself to look good? Because I want to. I want to outlive all the women in my family. I want to embrace that I don't look my age and have a rocking body to match. I want to be my own dream girl. Be in control. I feel so out of control all of the time. I hate how I feel like I am locked out of life. I don't have a car, I live in the hood, I am fat and I am on welfare. I hate these things and want to change them.

I am still procrastinating with my business plan because I need it to happen too much. I can't bear being told NO one more time. Not here. I feel like I would die. I don't have the energy to fight that battle right now.