Saturday night is usually the night he will come over.
Well watch shows he hasn't seen, eat snacks and cuddle.
I feel like I love him because he's better and better looking every time I see him.
This last weekend it was really good.
I love his body so much. He kind of reminds me of this African statue my parents had of a warrior standing with a spear. He had a leaf over his junk.
Except for the low haircut and lack of spear and leaf he looks like this warrior. He poses by the side of my bed looking down at me. I feel shivers because he's so gorgeous. I can't believe my luck to be with someone this gorgeous. He tells me to take off everything. I do what he says.
Before I can catch my breath he has slung me sideways on the bed and he's between my legs. He's mine.
I'm devoured
I can't breathe
I am finally feeling him
Waves of passion are radiating from him
His vocals say how much he's enjoying me
After I felt like a corner had been turned
Happy inside
All week I thought of him.
We spoke on the phone every other day.
We said we couldn't wait to see each other
It's the Christmas season and he owns a business that does retail. His hours were getting longer and longer the closer to Christmas they got.
We planned for him to come over Christmas eve and sleep over then we'd wake up Christmas morning together.
I'd cook lots of food I'd be able to warm up, bought Champagne and got excited.
And nothing
I expected the shop would be open late.
But he got home and collapsed.
I text 'Are you dead?'
He said 'Almost'.
That was all I heard till 1pm Christmas day.
I text this morning 'what time coming over'
He says 'not sure.'
I call and he's at work
On Christmas day
He still has work to do.
His nephew from Oakland is in town so he wants to say hello to him.
Then after he will see me.
He's leaving the shop around 3.
so maybe by the normal time 10pm he'll be here.
We'll see
Monday, December 25, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
3 weeks down 3 to go
So I got to the job and it was OVERWHELMING!
You know that cartoon factory music you hear on bugs bunny? That's what it's like in the morning.
I wasn't used to standing for long periods of time. My feet hurt like I was going to be crippled for life. I wanted to cry a few times. It hurt so bad I didn't know if I could continue. I saw my plans going up in flames because of the pain. I was trying everything to keep going. But now three weeks in, I am okay.
Of course the supervisors noticed how slow I was moving and called me into the office about it. I just said I was in pain. I had to get used to it.
I am not working near as many hours as I originally thought.
I fucked up my first week and forgot to submit my hours. So they won't be paid till the end of the month. So my first check was small. Enough to pay the bills but not to buy presents. Or to get my apartment the way I want it.
Today I was feeling okay. I'll make it to end.
I just have to be smart.
You know that cartoon factory music you hear on bugs bunny? That's what it's like in the morning.
I wasn't used to standing for long periods of time. My feet hurt like I was going to be crippled for life. I wanted to cry a few times. It hurt so bad I didn't know if I could continue. I saw my plans going up in flames because of the pain. I was trying everything to keep going. But now three weeks in, I am okay.
Of course the supervisors noticed how slow I was moving and called me into the office about it. I just said I was in pain. I had to get used to it.
I am not working near as many hours as I originally thought.
I fucked up my first week and forgot to submit my hours. So they won't be paid till the end of the month. So my first check was small. Enough to pay the bills but not to buy presents. Or to get my apartment the way I want it.
Today I was feeling okay. I'll make it to end.
I just have to be smart.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Why does everything have to be such a fucking struggle?
I was supposed to start my new job tonight. It was a shock because we were originally told we had two days of training. But we ended up with only one. So at 4pm I am told I am working at 2am. So I am freaking out trying to figure out how much sleep I need. Plus I have to eat. I was anxious as hell.
I went to bed at 7. I laid in bed worrying I would oversleep. I figured I would get up at midnight, eat something get dressed pack lunch then call a lyft at 1am. Everything seemed cool. UNTIL....
I unknowingly I had the wrong address. I thought I was going to 900 S Alameda. Totally wrong spot. I spent an hour looking for something that didn't exist. I called a lyft to go home. The driver happened to get in my business and he knew where I was going for real. He turnt the meter off and took me. He hung out while I waited to get in. There were 4 buzzers and no one answered. I couldn't get in. Not to mention where this place is is spooky as hell. It's also right next to the twin towers. They let out the overflow inmates about this time of night. So I called another lyft. The first lyft driver waited with me cause it was spooky.
I came home and got on line to see what the fuck. I called the line is busy. I read the yelp reviews and they are awful. I'm super angry because now I am missing a day of pay. I have to go to the main office and tell them what happened and pray I am not fired.
I have been planning my escape though this job for weeks. Now it's here and I am anxious as hell. I want to get to the next level. I want my life to change. It's going to take cash. This cash is supposed to fuel my business ventures so I can have even more money coming in. So I can eat clean, get into dance class, afford supplements, get a car and work more for myself. Be free.
I am sick to my stomach because I don't know what I will do if this job drops me. I thought I had it figured out by getting this job. I just don't want to fail. When I was walking down the wrong street I was crying because I don't want to lose. I felt all my plans catching on fire. It seems that I have a knack for getting lost and losing out on things. I feel like my life is on the line now. I can't keep living the same life over and over. I need change.
pray for me
I went to bed at 7. I laid in bed worrying I would oversleep. I figured I would get up at midnight, eat something get dressed pack lunch then call a lyft at 1am. Everything seemed cool. UNTIL....
I unknowingly I had the wrong address. I thought I was going to 900 S Alameda. Totally wrong spot. I spent an hour looking for something that didn't exist. I called a lyft to go home. The driver happened to get in my business and he knew where I was going for real. He turnt the meter off and took me. He hung out while I waited to get in. There were 4 buzzers and no one answered. I couldn't get in. Not to mention where this place is is spooky as hell. It's also right next to the twin towers. They let out the overflow inmates about this time of night. So I called another lyft. The first lyft driver waited with me cause it was spooky.
I came home and got on line to see what the fuck. I called the line is busy. I read the yelp reviews and they are awful. I'm super angry because now I am missing a day of pay. I have to go to the main office and tell them what happened and pray I am not fired.
I have been planning my escape though this job for weeks. Now it's here and I am anxious as hell. I want to get to the next level. I want my life to change. It's going to take cash. This cash is supposed to fuel my business ventures so I can have even more money coming in. So I can eat clean, get into dance class, afford supplements, get a car and work more for myself. Be free.
I am sick to my stomach because I don't know what I will do if this job drops me. I thought I had it figured out by getting this job. I just don't want to fail. When I was walking down the wrong street I was crying because I don't want to lose. I felt all my plans catching on fire. It seems that I have a knack for getting lost and losing out on things. I feel like my life is on the line now. I can't keep living the same life over and over. I need change.
pray for me
Science is on my side
The Hell I am going through
The neurotypical spouse is adversely affected as a result of these deficits:
- Empathy disorder
- Emotional immaturity and deficiencies in Theory of Mind
- Deficiencies in the ability to express and receive emotions and affection
- Lack of understanding of the connection between an intimate, mutual atmosphere of tenderness and cohesion and the sexual intercourse
- Deficiencies in the ability and desire for mutual communication, shared interests and shared social experiences
- Sensory disorders that may cause the AS-partner’s reluctance to physical touch, smell, taste, etc.
- Deficits in the ability to understand non-verbal communication, which represent 75-90 percent of all communication – and probably even more when it comes to the intimate and sexual “language” including flirtation and the fore-play
- Extreme preoccupation with own needs and obsessions and limited ability to see the needs of others.
The above is what I am dealing with in the man I feel like I love. I have guilt because I get angry and frustrated that I can't get the things I really desire from him. Like he can't understand feelings. He doesn't get passion. He doesn't understand sentimentality. There were a few times he came over and we laid on my bed watching tv and he put his arm around me and we snuggled. I would occasionally kiss his cheek.
It's just if he's aroused it's like gang busters. Which there is nothing wrong with. But then there is a loss of momentum in the middle of everything which leaves me high and dry and frustrated as hell. He doesn't have the ability to talk through this so I get angry. Why did I have to have feelings for someone who can't give me what I want emotionally and physically.
I feel like there is something wrong with ME.
Because I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop wanting to see him. I get upset when I tell him I want to see him and he makes no effort to see me. That it will always be this way.
I just hate myself for loving him.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
When I think of it, it's kind of genius
When I was coming up in Ohio with my grandparents, they lived an upper middle class existence. I remember being forbidden to go the the skating rink or to the fair because those 'weren't the kind' of kids my grandma approved of.
Some females talk about having a thing for bad boys. Wanting the guys on the wrong side of the tracks. I was the opposite. Swooning over the smartest guys, or the ones who were the best at sports. Chasing after hood dudes seemed backward. It wasn't anything I would ever participate in.
You find yourself listening carefully to people's stories about themselves. How they speak, the words they choose, and how they paint themselves. A mentality is the most important thing. You can be from the hood but know you don't have to stay there forever. You can like some things about the hood but not be defined by it. You can be a part of the hood but not allow it to shape your relationship to right and wrong.
The asbergers guy stated once 'I'm like Georgie Porgie.' The song. 'Kiss the girls and make them cry.' I rolled my eyes. Mainly because I am not a girl, I am a grown assed woman.
But I would know the frustration he could create. However I am educated and believe in therapy and psychology. Most black people do not. Most lower income black people would rather drink or drug themselves to death rather than get therapy and help for their issues. I could bet dollars to doughnuts he has never been officially diagnosed. Just told he has a 'learning disability.' It's left at that.
The thing that occurred to me is that this disorder in men and boys of color can easily masquerade itself as toxic masculinity; therefore normalizing it. Since men and boys of color are ignored in therapeutic circles, the behavior is never questioned. Being emotionally unavailable, and unable to express empathy becomes normal. Being stuck in a perpetual state of childhood and having no interest in other people other than themselves becomes a signature rather than a syndrome.
I started to wonder how much trauma either while a child is in the womb or in infancy has to do with a childs ability to develop in a normal fashion. Can asbergers go undetected in small children if no one is paying attention anyway? If no one is trying to communicate and grow a child does it take longer to know that a child has the syndrome? Since therapy isn't an option then labels get hung. "That retarded kid" or "That slow kid". Being absorbed by a ghetto landscape makes it next to impossible to know a syndrome is happening. People continually try to deal with the subject in normal settings and get frustrated or heartbroken because the person with the syndrome cannot function like everyone else. The male becomes that 'cad that breaks hearts left and right,' when in actuality he can't process emotion. He can't express it or react to it in an empathetic way. Women think he's carved out of stone. Nope, it's just asbergers.
Kinda genius.
Some females talk about having a thing for bad boys. Wanting the guys on the wrong side of the tracks. I was the opposite. Swooning over the smartest guys, or the ones who were the best at sports. Chasing after hood dudes seemed backward. It wasn't anything I would ever participate in.
You find yourself listening carefully to people's stories about themselves. How they speak, the words they choose, and how they paint themselves. A mentality is the most important thing. You can be from the hood but know you don't have to stay there forever. You can like some things about the hood but not be defined by it. You can be a part of the hood but not allow it to shape your relationship to right and wrong.
The asbergers guy stated once 'I'm like Georgie Porgie.' The song. 'Kiss the girls and make them cry.' I rolled my eyes. Mainly because I am not a girl, I am a grown assed woman.
But I would know the frustration he could create. However I am educated and believe in therapy and psychology. Most black people do not. Most lower income black people would rather drink or drug themselves to death rather than get therapy and help for their issues. I could bet dollars to doughnuts he has never been officially diagnosed. Just told he has a 'learning disability.' It's left at that.
The thing that occurred to me is that this disorder in men and boys of color can easily masquerade itself as toxic masculinity; therefore normalizing it. Since men and boys of color are ignored in therapeutic circles, the behavior is never questioned. Being emotionally unavailable, and unable to express empathy becomes normal. Being stuck in a perpetual state of childhood and having no interest in other people other than themselves becomes a signature rather than a syndrome.
I started to wonder how much trauma either while a child is in the womb or in infancy has to do with a childs ability to develop in a normal fashion. Can asbergers go undetected in small children if no one is paying attention anyway? If no one is trying to communicate and grow a child does it take longer to know that a child has the syndrome? Since therapy isn't an option then labels get hung. "That retarded kid" or "That slow kid". Being absorbed by a ghetto landscape makes it next to impossible to know a syndrome is happening. People continually try to deal with the subject in normal settings and get frustrated or heartbroken because the person with the syndrome cannot function like everyone else. The male becomes that 'cad that breaks hearts left and right,' when in actuality he can't process emotion. He can't express it or react to it in an empathetic way. Women think he's carved out of stone. Nope, it's just asbergers.
Kinda genius.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Cliche'
Every woman goes through a time when there isn't anyone in her life.
There may be a guy here or there that have digestible traits, but overall aren't dateable for whatever reason.
Guy 1. Met like 4 years ago. He has 2 kids, he lives at home with his sick mother and stepdad. He goes to school and works. He has very little free time.
We have a sexual chemistry that is very satisfying. We have hung out and gone to movies and dinners but that was in the beginning. I know if I sleep with him it will be good. But I barely get to see him. If I am lucky once every three months.
Guy 2. Met 8 months ago. We belonged to an on line community. I figured since we live in the same town why don't we know eachother. I went to meet him at his shop. I liked him right away. One of the first things he told me is he has a learning disability. I didn't think much about it at the time. But as time went on I realized he's on the asbergers spectrum. He's 37, lives with his mother, and has been to jail even though I can't really get a straight answer from him. It was something traffic related. So he doesn't own a car either. He drives his mother's car but can't have passengers per whatever judgement.
I am wildly physically attracted to him. Little did I know what I struggle I would be in for. There are several elements against me. The asbergers, plus the fact that he is a black man raised in the hood. He regularly referred to women as bitches when we met. He bragged about how big he was too which was super childish to me. But it would become clear that I was dealing with someone who hadn't progressed past the 10th grade.
He seemed completely obsessed with having a kid. He would talk on a loop about getting me pregnant. I told him I'm too old to get pregnant not to mention I never want to be pregnant or give birth. Not just that but all the things that have to be in place before any of that happens. A solid relationship and finances, health insurance, and extended family to help grow a child. He can't even tell me how he feels about me. He doesn't openly express affection. Getting him to kiss me is a full time job. I usually like to spend time making out with a guy before I have sex with him. Seeing how he touches me with our clothes on.
The first time we had sex he came over like gangbusters and talking like a high school kid would. "Why did you call me over here." It was all a rush to the finish line. I kept trying to concentrate on the moment and how things felt but things were going to fast I couldn't focus on anything. There were barely any kisses, no foreplay and then he has his 'I won't kiss you after you have gone down on me' issue. So dealing with that after was frustrating as hell. Afterward he text that next time he'd be more throurough. Yeah ok.
Two weeks would pass before he'd come back. We'd watch TV for a while and cuddle. I'd try and touch him and kiss his neck. He jumps up and gets undressed and he's in my mouth. I love the way he talks to me. It's a huge turn on. We were all over the bed and I was every excited. At one point he asks if he should go in raw. I told him no. He's not getting me pregnant. So no. He took out a condom and put it on. He wanted me on my knees. Next thing I knew he was going soft and saying it wasn't going to happen. He said he has 'alot on his mind' and that he 'worked out that day'. He works out early in the morning this was 8 at night. I was a little angry. He didn't offer to finish me off or anything. We just watched tv naked. I wanted to talk about what happened, but knew there would be no point. I don't think he's ever had a mature relationship with a grown woman who knows what she wants. I know I am wasting my time and heart on him but I don't understand why I want him so much.
I have these fantasies of him breaking out of this not communicating thing, and take trips places and are in love. He's expressive and affectionate and he gives me little presents. He gives me long kisses and tells me I'm hot. He hasn't once complimented me. He pokes me in my belly. He once slapped me in it. When I asked him why he said because it was jiggling. I didn't know what to think. It felt borderline abusive.
All I think is how I deserve more. How I shouldn't be struggling like this for simple affection and attention. I get really angry. Like tonight I text that I'd love to see him. No response. Anger.
I am on the verge of a career change that would catapult me financially. I think he's worried about it. Like why would I want him then? The funny part is it's not material stuff that would keep me loyal. It's the simple things he can do but won't or can't do. Being available. Being emotionally available. Being affectionate. Telling me what I mean to him. I don't think he has the capacity to do these things. How the hell would I justify having a kid with him. He expresses zero emotion. I have seen him more excited over doughnuts than me. It's really humiliating.
Why am I here?
Why is this happening to me?
Why can't I be attracted to someone who can meet my needs?
I beat myself up.
There may be a guy here or there that have digestible traits, but overall aren't dateable for whatever reason.
Guy 1. Met like 4 years ago. He has 2 kids, he lives at home with his sick mother and stepdad. He goes to school and works. He has very little free time.
We have a sexual chemistry that is very satisfying. We have hung out and gone to movies and dinners but that was in the beginning. I know if I sleep with him it will be good. But I barely get to see him. If I am lucky once every three months.
Guy 2. Met 8 months ago. We belonged to an on line community. I figured since we live in the same town why don't we know eachother. I went to meet him at his shop. I liked him right away. One of the first things he told me is he has a learning disability. I didn't think much about it at the time. But as time went on I realized he's on the asbergers spectrum. He's 37, lives with his mother, and has been to jail even though I can't really get a straight answer from him. It was something traffic related. So he doesn't own a car either. He drives his mother's car but can't have passengers per whatever judgement.
I am wildly physically attracted to him. Little did I know what I struggle I would be in for. There are several elements against me. The asbergers, plus the fact that he is a black man raised in the hood. He regularly referred to women as bitches when we met. He bragged about how big he was too which was super childish to me. But it would become clear that I was dealing with someone who hadn't progressed past the 10th grade.
He seemed completely obsessed with having a kid. He would talk on a loop about getting me pregnant. I told him I'm too old to get pregnant not to mention I never want to be pregnant or give birth. Not just that but all the things that have to be in place before any of that happens. A solid relationship and finances, health insurance, and extended family to help grow a child. He can't even tell me how he feels about me. He doesn't openly express affection. Getting him to kiss me is a full time job. I usually like to spend time making out with a guy before I have sex with him. Seeing how he touches me with our clothes on.
The first time we had sex he came over like gangbusters and talking like a high school kid would. "Why did you call me over here." It was all a rush to the finish line. I kept trying to concentrate on the moment and how things felt but things were going to fast I couldn't focus on anything. There were barely any kisses, no foreplay and then he has his 'I won't kiss you after you have gone down on me' issue. So dealing with that after was frustrating as hell. Afterward he text that next time he'd be more throurough. Yeah ok.
Two weeks would pass before he'd come back. We'd watch TV for a while and cuddle. I'd try and touch him and kiss his neck. He jumps up and gets undressed and he's in my mouth. I love the way he talks to me. It's a huge turn on. We were all over the bed and I was every excited. At one point he asks if he should go in raw. I told him no. He's not getting me pregnant. So no. He took out a condom and put it on. He wanted me on my knees. Next thing I knew he was going soft and saying it wasn't going to happen. He said he has 'alot on his mind' and that he 'worked out that day'. He works out early in the morning this was 8 at night. I was a little angry. He didn't offer to finish me off or anything. We just watched tv naked. I wanted to talk about what happened, but knew there would be no point. I don't think he's ever had a mature relationship with a grown woman who knows what she wants. I know I am wasting my time and heart on him but I don't understand why I want him so much.
I have these fantasies of him breaking out of this not communicating thing, and take trips places and are in love. He's expressive and affectionate and he gives me little presents. He gives me long kisses and tells me I'm hot. He hasn't once complimented me. He pokes me in my belly. He once slapped me in it. When I asked him why he said because it was jiggling. I didn't know what to think. It felt borderline abusive.
All I think is how I deserve more. How I shouldn't be struggling like this for simple affection and attention. I get really angry. Like tonight I text that I'd love to see him. No response. Anger.
I am on the verge of a career change that would catapult me financially. I think he's worried about it. Like why would I want him then? The funny part is it's not material stuff that would keep me loyal. It's the simple things he can do but won't or can't do. Being available. Being emotionally available. Being affectionate. Telling me what I mean to him. I don't think he has the capacity to do these things. How the hell would I justify having a kid with him. He expresses zero emotion. I have seen him more excited over doughnuts than me. It's really humiliating.
Why am I here?
Why is this happening to me?
Why can't I be attracted to someone who can meet my needs?
I beat myself up.
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
The Embarrassing truth
I have been doing on line training for marketing. It was pretty grueling. But at the end they ask these questions. "What is the reason you decided to get into this business."
The most obvious is because I am sick of struggling and being underpaid. My whole adult life I have been low balled at work, and many times worked a full time job and been homeless. I am currently working for $5 and I can't take it anymore. I am sick to death of worrying about money. Even more than that WANTING things I cannot have.
I remember as a teenager seeing adults. Who had traveled the world, who had great places to live that were well lived in (a decade or more) and tons of books and records and clothes. Wardrobe that made them look interesting and worldly. I remember thinking 'I can't wait till I get older and have those things.' Of course at the time you don't know the ins and outs of life. You don't understand how much things cost, or how much you will have to sacrifice in order to have those things. I guess I thought that over time you just fell into them because that's what you did. It never once occurred to me that I would be 50 years old with nothing to show for my journey. It's been weighing on me heavily.
I was waiting for a bus after getting supplies for work. A tall darkskinned guy rode by on a bike. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Next thing I knew he rode up behind me. I had headphones on so I didn't hear him. He was ok looking but clearly a kid. He had a hellacious body odor. He is riding a bike so I can't really hold it against him. Or can I? He of course asks if he can get my number. I say no. He asks why. I tell him it's not a good idea. I thank him for the nice conversation. He rides away. That's the typical guy that approaches me. Someone young enough to be my son.
I want this to stop.
I want to look like a grown woman, not a teenager. Even if I am in my style bag. I want to be clearly a grown up.
I want a car.
I want a nice apartment in a mixed neighborhood.
I most of all want a relationship with a man whom I have things in common with and who wants to connect with me on the deepest levels. Someone I can have things in common with. Take places, bring around my friends. Plan with. Be in synch with. When there are museum events he's there. When I say Lupe Fiasco is in town in a few days, he has tickets the next minute and is saying we'll go to dinner first. When I say Alvin Ailey is coming to town he's on top of that too. He is sophisticated but he loves GOOD hip hop and all sorts of music. He has exceptional emotional intellect. He is affectionate but he understands I need my space. He's hot in my eyes. He treats me like a queen, and he's worthy of being king.
All this takes money.
Money to transform into my best self.
Right now I feel invisible and judged.
I am stressed all of the time about money. I stress eat. I comfort eat. I have a sugar addiction. I feel out of control. I want to become vegan but I don't want to starve or not enjoy food anymore. I am researching it. Funny thing. A couple of guys that I found myself attracted to, are vegan. I think this is the right direction. I need a better income and a car to be able to go to the outdoor markets to get food to eat so I can lose weight and eat healthy. I stress about this constantly, which drives me to chocolate.
I haven't been in a relationship in 20+ years and don't see another unless I change my body back to what it was before.
I also want to get surgery on my knee to fix it so I can get back to dance classes too. Dancing was my safe place. My stress relief. I haven't done it regularly and I want to be able to. I could try now, but I am hyper aware of my knee. Like wearing heels would be a mistake because of the weight that would be on my knees. It gives out sometimes without warning. I want all that fixed. That costs money.
So I have to dig in and get serious about making the money to get it done.
The most obvious is because I am sick of struggling and being underpaid. My whole adult life I have been low balled at work, and many times worked a full time job and been homeless. I am currently working for $5 and I can't take it anymore. I am sick to death of worrying about money. Even more than that WANTING things I cannot have.
I remember as a teenager seeing adults. Who had traveled the world, who had great places to live that were well lived in (a decade or more) and tons of books and records and clothes. Wardrobe that made them look interesting and worldly. I remember thinking 'I can't wait till I get older and have those things.' Of course at the time you don't know the ins and outs of life. You don't understand how much things cost, or how much you will have to sacrifice in order to have those things. I guess I thought that over time you just fell into them because that's what you did. It never once occurred to me that I would be 50 years old with nothing to show for my journey. It's been weighing on me heavily.
I was waiting for a bus after getting supplies for work. A tall darkskinned guy rode by on a bike. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Next thing I knew he rode up behind me. I had headphones on so I didn't hear him. He was ok looking but clearly a kid. He had a hellacious body odor. He is riding a bike so I can't really hold it against him. Or can I? He of course asks if he can get my number. I say no. He asks why. I tell him it's not a good idea. I thank him for the nice conversation. He rides away. That's the typical guy that approaches me. Someone young enough to be my son.
I want this to stop.
I want to look like a grown woman, not a teenager. Even if I am in my style bag. I want to be clearly a grown up.
I want a car.
I want a nice apartment in a mixed neighborhood.
I most of all want a relationship with a man whom I have things in common with and who wants to connect with me on the deepest levels. Someone I can have things in common with. Take places, bring around my friends. Plan with. Be in synch with. When there are museum events he's there. When I say Lupe Fiasco is in town in a few days, he has tickets the next minute and is saying we'll go to dinner first. When I say Alvin Ailey is coming to town he's on top of that too. He is sophisticated but he loves GOOD hip hop and all sorts of music. He has exceptional emotional intellect. He is affectionate but he understands I need my space. He's hot in my eyes. He treats me like a queen, and he's worthy of being king.
All this takes money.
Money to transform into my best self.
Right now I feel invisible and judged.
I am stressed all of the time about money. I stress eat. I comfort eat. I have a sugar addiction. I feel out of control. I want to become vegan but I don't want to starve or not enjoy food anymore. I am researching it. Funny thing. A couple of guys that I found myself attracted to, are vegan. I think this is the right direction. I need a better income and a car to be able to go to the outdoor markets to get food to eat so I can lose weight and eat healthy. I stress about this constantly, which drives me to chocolate.
I haven't been in a relationship in 20+ years and don't see another unless I change my body back to what it was before.
I also want to get surgery on my knee to fix it so I can get back to dance classes too. Dancing was my safe place. My stress relief. I haven't done it regularly and I want to be able to. I could try now, but I am hyper aware of my knee. Like wearing heels would be a mistake because of the weight that would be on my knees. It gives out sometimes without warning. I want all that fixed. That costs money.
So I have to dig in and get serious about making the money to get it done.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
My problem is I am giddy
https://zodiacfire.com/zodiac-signs-still-single/
So I run across this funny little page and read it. I suppose I am single because I can't hide when I like someone. I am giddy.
So let me get this straight, being happy to see someone= bad.
Feeling cheery around someone=bad
Feeling swoony about a hot guy=bad
Feeling super attracted to someone and not wanting to hide it because you want something to happen= bad
Lighting up when he enters a room= bad
Celebrating him= bad
I know it's sort of a jokey site, but it isn't like I haven't been shut down because of my clear enthusiasm about someone. When you are young you make all the classic mistakes. You are too available, and you are always hanging around. You can't help yourself because he's so dreamy. But no guy I have ever thought was dreamy ever responded with 'Let's date'.
As I got older I guess I would settle for a roll in the hay before he exited stage left, so I could at least get something from him. This is all I could ever really hope for. Sometimes that was even too much. There are guys to this day that I haven't even kissed and felt that I was madly in love with. They were always looking for someone who wasn't me. I got bitter.
But now I read this and think how backward society is. That having positive feelings about someone is a deal breaker. People run away from affection. People shun attraction. It's kind of sick.
It makes me sad.
So I run across this funny little page and read it. I suppose I am single because I can't hide when I like someone. I am giddy.
So let me get this straight, being happy to see someone= bad.
Feeling cheery around someone=bad
Feeling swoony about a hot guy=bad
Feeling super attracted to someone and not wanting to hide it because you want something to happen= bad
Lighting up when he enters a room= bad
Celebrating him= bad
I know it's sort of a jokey site, but it isn't like I haven't been shut down because of my clear enthusiasm about someone. When you are young you make all the classic mistakes. You are too available, and you are always hanging around. You can't help yourself because he's so dreamy. But no guy I have ever thought was dreamy ever responded with 'Let's date'.
As I got older I guess I would settle for a roll in the hay before he exited stage left, so I could at least get something from him. This is all I could ever really hope for. Sometimes that was even too much. There are guys to this day that I haven't even kissed and felt that I was madly in love with. They were always looking for someone who wasn't me. I got bitter.
But now I read this and think how backward society is. That having positive feelings about someone is a deal breaker. People run away from affection. People shun attraction. It's kind of sick.
It makes me sad.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Bizarre events out of my system
I had been confused on some level about my attraction to the painter with Asperger's. What did it mean that I was so drawn to this man? That when I looked at him I was overwhelmed with attraction?
Since I the car was taken from me my visits to see him at his shop stopped. We talked about him coming over to visit, but I didn't press the issue as being alone with him worried me. He was obsessed with having a kid, so I wasn't that jazzed on sleeping with him. He also didn't strike me as the type of guy that would be that concerned about a woman's pleasure. I imagined it would be like sleeping with a high schooler all over again.
Then it happened.
I had a sex dream about him. It was erotic and overwhelming. I'd never experienced anything like that. I was pretty sure that I'd had an intense orgasm and probably moaned loudly in my sleep. I had to take a cold shower when I woke up. I couldn't shake the feelings all day.
We text pretty regularly so I mentioned I had a dream about him that was sexual in nature. He thought that was cool. Next I knew I was inviting him over for a playdate saturday night. I asked him to bring cupcakes.
I thought that he'd come over and we'd catch up on shows that we'd talked about. We'd cuddle and kiss but maybe sex wouldn't be on the table. It's been almost two months since I saw him. I was hoping we would get reconnected again. I was looking forward to seeing him. Feeling that excitement again when I am near him. It's really sort of a high to feel that way around someone. I missed it. I was excited. I let him know if he wanted to stay over it was cool.
Saturday came and I got more and more excited. He works weekends so I knew when he was about to leave the shop. He had a last minute client so he was running late. I put on my dark purple nightie nothing underneath. When I opened the door he immediately asked what I had on underneath. I asked him what he thought. Next I knew I was being grabbed from every direction. I told him to slow down. He asked why I called him to come over. I told him hopefully to chill and reconnect. He's on me like a fever. Kissing me and pulling at my gown. His shorts are coming down and he's telling me to touch him. I told him again to slow down, and that I needed foreplay. In seconds he was naked and laying me on my bed. He put on a condom and was touching me between my legs. He said I was ready. I wasn't sure I was. I know emotionally I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
He's pretty well endowed so I was prepared for the pain and struggle. I didn't expect any gentleness from him. But he was patient, and it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Once things got going it was a lot like my dream. The way he talked, the way his body looked. But he seemed like he was in a rush. Is an uber waiting downstairs or something? Geez. Then I remembered him telling me when he has sex it's one and done. He asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told the truth. No. He seemed disappointed.
We cleaned up and laid in bed watching episodes of ATL and snuggling. This is what I wanted all along. He stayed a few hours then he left. The next day when he text, he said next time he'd be more thorough. I thought it was nice of him to say. But I also wondered if I'd see him again. I was ok if I didn't. I think I was more curious than anything what sex with him would be like. He'd been a fantasy of mine for so long I needed to get it out of my system. I always imagined that he would be one of these guys that didn't really learn much about women or how to please them. That he'd sleep with a bunch of girls who didn't know anything about themselves anyway so they would just lay there and pretend he was doing something special just so he would like them. It would usually backfire because he'd move on immediately leaving them exposed and confused.
I'm quite self aware, so mediocre doesn't cut it for me. I don't have sex that often because I don't make intimate connections with men that make me want to. The painter was the closest thing for quite a while. I still feel like I am selling myself short. But I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. I don't know what will happen next.
Since I the car was taken from me my visits to see him at his shop stopped. We talked about him coming over to visit, but I didn't press the issue as being alone with him worried me. He was obsessed with having a kid, so I wasn't that jazzed on sleeping with him. He also didn't strike me as the type of guy that would be that concerned about a woman's pleasure. I imagined it would be like sleeping with a high schooler all over again.
Then it happened.
I had a sex dream about him. It was erotic and overwhelming. I'd never experienced anything like that. I was pretty sure that I'd had an intense orgasm and probably moaned loudly in my sleep. I had to take a cold shower when I woke up. I couldn't shake the feelings all day.
We text pretty regularly so I mentioned I had a dream about him that was sexual in nature. He thought that was cool. Next I knew I was inviting him over for a playdate saturday night. I asked him to bring cupcakes.
I thought that he'd come over and we'd catch up on shows that we'd talked about. We'd cuddle and kiss but maybe sex wouldn't be on the table. It's been almost two months since I saw him. I was hoping we would get reconnected again. I was looking forward to seeing him. Feeling that excitement again when I am near him. It's really sort of a high to feel that way around someone. I missed it. I was excited. I let him know if he wanted to stay over it was cool.
Saturday came and I got more and more excited. He works weekends so I knew when he was about to leave the shop. He had a last minute client so he was running late. I put on my dark purple nightie nothing underneath. When I opened the door he immediately asked what I had on underneath. I asked him what he thought. Next I knew I was being grabbed from every direction. I told him to slow down. He asked why I called him to come over. I told him hopefully to chill and reconnect. He's on me like a fever. Kissing me and pulling at my gown. His shorts are coming down and he's telling me to touch him. I told him again to slow down, and that I needed foreplay. In seconds he was naked and laying me on my bed. He put on a condom and was touching me between my legs. He said I was ready. I wasn't sure I was. I know emotionally I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
He's pretty well endowed so I was prepared for the pain and struggle. I didn't expect any gentleness from him. But he was patient, and it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Once things got going it was a lot like my dream. The way he talked, the way his body looked. But he seemed like he was in a rush. Is an uber waiting downstairs or something? Geez. Then I remembered him telling me when he has sex it's one and done. He asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told the truth. No. He seemed disappointed.
We cleaned up and laid in bed watching episodes of ATL and snuggling. This is what I wanted all along. He stayed a few hours then he left. The next day when he text, he said next time he'd be more thorough. I thought it was nice of him to say. But I also wondered if I'd see him again. I was ok if I didn't. I think I was more curious than anything what sex with him would be like. He'd been a fantasy of mine for so long I needed to get it out of my system. I always imagined that he would be one of these guys that didn't really learn much about women or how to please them. That he'd sleep with a bunch of girls who didn't know anything about themselves anyway so they would just lay there and pretend he was doing something special just so he would like them. It would usually backfire because he'd move on immediately leaving them exposed and confused.
I'm quite self aware, so mediocre doesn't cut it for me. I don't have sex that often because I don't make intimate connections with men that make me want to. The painter was the closest thing for quite a while. I still feel like I am selling myself short. But I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. I don't know what will happen next.
Friday, June 23, 2017
RED FLAGS ARE MY LIFE
I have watched my fill of catfish.
I wonder how in the 2017 are people still managing to get catfished and get away with catfishing?
It's always amusing to watch and make bets who's on the other end lying their ass off.
I am always amazed how people who HAVE NEVER MET are saying they love eachother, and want to get married. Most times haven't spoken on the phone, or sometimes they have and the person most definately isn't who they claim to be.
Usually the person steals photos of someone really attractive. Usually a model, and pretends to be them. They start contacting people pretending to be this person.
Like I said, how can you not smell this cooking.
So after my disaster with the dead inside painter, I got back on line.
I saw this man who made me stop in my tracks. Very stylish and handsome. The kind of man that would never speak to me.
But he did.
I was kind of shocked.
We started talking. He seemed nice.
He gave lots of compliments, which I was missing since being with DIP for the last four months. I lapped them up.
He said on his profile that he didn't want kids, so I thought cool! But turned out he made the wrong choice he actually does want kids. I told him I was too old for pregnancy. He said he'd adopt. He wanted a girl. Men never want a daughter. This was refreshing.
He owned his own business and has a design eye which is something I always craved in a man.
About 3 days in or so he starts saying he wants to get married in a year. That I am his dream woman. He starts saying he loves me.
RED FLAG!
Pump the breaks.
I'm not saying it to someone I have never laid eyes on and do not know.
But it was nice to hear. I let it ride. I didn't discourage it. I would just remind him we have to meet and spend time together.
He says things like he just wants me to be happy.
He will help me pay bills
When we get married I don't have to work.
All great to hear. But it's all talk.
He tells me he's planning a trip to Canada for a week for business.
Cool.
He asks if I want to go.
RED FLAG.
Who invites a stranger on a business trip? It made me feel icky sort of.
Imagine being in a foreign country, and some completely different person shows up at the airport to kidnap me.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I said no.
Maybe once we've been DIRL. (dating in real life)
But for now no.
I noticed a pattern every evening. We would talk mostly during the work day. But at 5pm he would usually go silent.
I'd text and not get an answer till after 10 or till the middle of the night.
This went on the entire week.
Till Thursday evening.
He asks if he can trust me with his property, business and finances.
What kind of question is this to ask a stranger?
Um, sure?
He drops a bomb on me.
" I'm going out of town but I don't want anyone to know I am not in town. People owe me money. I told them that you would be handling my affairs. I told them you were my wife, so don't be surprised if they call you Mrs. Do__________. I need you to open an account for this money."
WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!?!?!?!
You know how many bitches are sitting up doing fed time because some man said they love them, and asked them to hold this, or fill this out, or take this across state lines?
I could only see the feds knocking my flimsy wood door in and arresting me for some sort of crime related to these monies.
I see myself trying to explain what happened.
" Well this hot guy on line said he loved me and would take care of me, just do this for him."
His name could be fake.
I searched for him. He has no social media. I can't find his company under his name. I searched his photos like they do on catfish. Nothing came up.
When I finally did speak to him on the phone. He had an accent. The first few times I had to strain to hear him so I wasn't listening that closely to the accent. I couldn't understand what he was saying sometimes. I'd get annoyed. But I didn't say anything.
I couldn't make sense of how he didn't have an account already they could send the money to.
His reasoning didn't really make sense but I didn't needle him on it.
" I'm in Canada, I don't want them to know that. "
But, your account will be from here.. What the fuck does that have to do with you being out of town.
He kept the pressure on, and I kept saying no. I'm not comfortable doing that for someone I don't know. He kept on and on. I said no. I started to get mad and cry from stress.
He said forget it goodnight.
In the middle of the night he texts me he's on his way to the airport. Why am I not answering him.
Because I was asleep!
DUR.
Then he says he is going to take a nap and call me.
I am driving around for work, and he calls.
"About last night." he starts.
Next thing I know we are back in the conversation. I break everything down to him. I make a joke about the feds busting in and dragging me down the stairs by my ankles. He laughs.
He says I am funny.
I hear his accent, and he punctuates his sentences with 'yeah', which is common when talking to people from the UK.
I ask where his accent is from. He slowly says Puerto Rico.
I wanted to blurt, no it isn't. No one on PR sounds like you.
The more I listened, the more I heard a black man on the phone. Which isn't what's in the picture.
I tell him it doesn't make sense for me to do what he is asking. My gut says no.
I tell him to imagine the situation was reversed.. Some woman contacts you on line. A few days in she loves you, then a few days after that she's asking you to open bank accounts for her money?
Doesn't that sound shady to you?
He says yeah it does.
Next thing I know he's having some sort of crisis he has to handle right away and call me back.
NEXT I KNOW
He's texting about how he left his itunes card on his bed and he needs it to access the cloud where his presentation is.
Can I go and get two $50 cards for him?
And do what with them.
It sounds like he says I can log in for him so he can get in the cloud.
I have never heard it cost money to get in there.
It sounds funny to me.
Sure, send me $100 and I'll do it.
He tells me he will pay me back, to just go pick them up.
"$100 is nothing to me. I can get it back to you."
This annoyed the fuck out of me.
" I have bills that are due TODAY, I am NOT spending my own money for this. You get me the money, I will go do it, but other than that I can't do nothin for ya man."
I was livid. The fucking nerve. $100 is nothing to you?
Then why not send it up front if it's nothing.
His answer was convoluted at best. It as jibberish.
I started getting mad.
"I told you I am hanging on by a thread and you want me to spend my own money?? Are you fucking kidding me???"
He kept saying he could get it back to me.
I said 'Get it front to me.'
I started seeing this whole interaction from day one was a setup to get to the money thing. I was angry deep in my soul.
I am glad I don't have a problem telling a man NO.
Emphatically at that.
He was pushing and pushing, I kept getting more angry. I started yelling.
" You get me the money fine. No money, I can't help you."
" You could be anybody. You could be a drug dealer for all I know."
He says he isn't.
The line went dead.
He texts how he's mad at me.
How I shouldn't yell at him.
He's not going to rip me off for $100
(not taking the chance)
He said that I don't calm down to understand anything.
I just blow up all the time
Please you need to be more calm
You never believe me you always thing I am telling you lies
Good day and take care of yourself.
DID HE JUST FEZ ME?!?!?
I told him to send me his company website.
I feel manipulated and lied to by you
Your accent sounds like you're from the UK and not the man in the pictures.
I feel like I am being scammed.
I'm pissed as hell right now.
I'm not stupid or naive. You get that now.
He says "I have nothing to say to you. You have it in your head to call me a scam."
I remind him he agreed that if the situation were reversed he'd be suspicious.
I go on...
If you are who you say you are, and feel they way you claimed you do you'd fight for me, to show me you are real.
He says "I've told you take care."
I'm not replying to you because I have bigger issues to deal with right now.
You insulted me today.
How can I fight for you when you already giving me a headache, adding to my problems.
( How is it my job to solve his fucking problems though???!!)
I said
Maybe when the dust settles and you see things more clearly, you will have time to reflect on how others may feel
He said " I'm getting to see the real you."
Like I'm ashamed of protecting myself or some shit? NGA fuck you.
I tell him
You will see I haven't done anything wrong.
I am just trying to protect myself
I won't apologise for that
I am not a fool
He says
Okay
I wonder how in the 2017 are people still managing to get catfished and get away with catfishing?
It's always amusing to watch and make bets who's on the other end lying their ass off.
I am always amazed how people who HAVE NEVER MET are saying they love eachother, and want to get married. Most times haven't spoken on the phone, or sometimes they have and the person most definately isn't who they claim to be.
Usually the person steals photos of someone really attractive. Usually a model, and pretends to be them. They start contacting people pretending to be this person.
Like I said, how can you not smell this cooking.
So after my disaster with the dead inside painter, I got back on line.
I saw this man who made me stop in my tracks. Very stylish and handsome. The kind of man that would never speak to me.
But he did.
I was kind of shocked.
We started talking. He seemed nice.
He gave lots of compliments, which I was missing since being with DIP for the last four months. I lapped them up.
He said on his profile that he didn't want kids, so I thought cool! But turned out he made the wrong choice he actually does want kids. I told him I was too old for pregnancy. He said he'd adopt. He wanted a girl. Men never want a daughter. This was refreshing.
He owned his own business and has a design eye which is something I always craved in a man.
About 3 days in or so he starts saying he wants to get married in a year. That I am his dream woman. He starts saying he loves me.
RED FLAG!
Pump the breaks.
I'm not saying it to someone I have never laid eyes on and do not know.
But it was nice to hear. I let it ride. I didn't discourage it. I would just remind him we have to meet and spend time together.
He says things like he just wants me to be happy.
He will help me pay bills
When we get married I don't have to work.
All great to hear. But it's all talk.
He tells me he's planning a trip to Canada for a week for business.
Cool.
He asks if I want to go.
RED FLAG.
Who invites a stranger on a business trip? It made me feel icky sort of.
Imagine being in a foreign country, and some completely different person shows up at the airport to kidnap me.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I said no.
Maybe once we've been DIRL. (dating in real life)
But for now no.
I noticed a pattern every evening. We would talk mostly during the work day. But at 5pm he would usually go silent.
I'd text and not get an answer till after 10 or till the middle of the night.
This went on the entire week.
Till Thursday evening.
He asks if he can trust me with his property, business and finances.
What kind of question is this to ask a stranger?
Um, sure?
He drops a bomb on me.
" I'm going out of town but I don't want anyone to know I am not in town. People owe me money. I told them that you would be handling my affairs. I told them you were my wife, so don't be surprised if they call you Mrs. Do__________. I need you to open an account for this money."
WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!?!?!?!
You know how many bitches are sitting up doing fed time because some man said they love them, and asked them to hold this, or fill this out, or take this across state lines?
I could only see the feds knocking my flimsy wood door in and arresting me for some sort of crime related to these monies.
I see myself trying to explain what happened.
" Well this hot guy on line said he loved me and would take care of me, just do this for him."
His name could be fake.
I searched for him. He has no social media. I can't find his company under his name. I searched his photos like they do on catfish. Nothing came up.
When I finally did speak to him on the phone. He had an accent. The first few times I had to strain to hear him so I wasn't listening that closely to the accent. I couldn't understand what he was saying sometimes. I'd get annoyed. But I didn't say anything.
I couldn't make sense of how he didn't have an account already they could send the money to.
His reasoning didn't really make sense but I didn't needle him on it.
" I'm in Canada, I don't want them to know that. "
But, your account will be from here.. What the fuck does that have to do with you being out of town.
He kept the pressure on, and I kept saying no. I'm not comfortable doing that for someone I don't know. He kept on and on. I said no. I started to get mad and cry from stress.
He said forget it goodnight.
In the middle of the night he texts me he's on his way to the airport. Why am I not answering him.
Because I was asleep!
DUR.
Then he says he is going to take a nap and call me.
I am driving around for work, and he calls.
"About last night." he starts.
Next thing I know we are back in the conversation. I break everything down to him. I make a joke about the feds busting in and dragging me down the stairs by my ankles. He laughs.
He says I am funny.
I hear his accent, and he punctuates his sentences with 'yeah', which is common when talking to people from the UK.
I ask where his accent is from. He slowly says Puerto Rico.
I wanted to blurt, no it isn't. No one on PR sounds like you.
The more I listened, the more I heard a black man on the phone. Which isn't what's in the picture.
I tell him it doesn't make sense for me to do what he is asking. My gut says no.
I tell him to imagine the situation was reversed.. Some woman contacts you on line. A few days in she loves you, then a few days after that she's asking you to open bank accounts for her money?
Doesn't that sound shady to you?
He says yeah it does.
Next thing I know he's having some sort of crisis he has to handle right away and call me back.
NEXT I KNOW
He's texting about how he left his itunes card on his bed and he needs it to access the cloud where his presentation is.
Can I go and get two $50 cards for him?
And do what with them.
It sounds like he says I can log in for him so he can get in the cloud.
I have never heard it cost money to get in there.
It sounds funny to me.
Sure, send me $100 and I'll do it.
He tells me he will pay me back, to just go pick them up.
"$100 is nothing to me. I can get it back to you."
This annoyed the fuck out of me.
" I have bills that are due TODAY, I am NOT spending my own money for this. You get me the money, I will go do it, but other than that I can't do nothin for ya man."
I was livid. The fucking nerve. $100 is nothing to you?
Then why not send it up front if it's nothing.
His answer was convoluted at best. It as jibberish.
I started getting mad.
"I told you I am hanging on by a thread and you want me to spend my own money?? Are you fucking kidding me???"
He kept saying he could get it back to me.
I said 'Get it front to me.'
I started seeing this whole interaction from day one was a setup to get to the money thing. I was angry deep in my soul.
I am glad I don't have a problem telling a man NO.
Emphatically at that.
He was pushing and pushing, I kept getting more angry. I started yelling.
" You get me the money fine. No money, I can't help you."
" You could be anybody. You could be a drug dealer for all I know."
He says he isn't.
The line went dead.
He texts how he's mad at me.
How I shouldn't yell at him.
He's not going to rip me off for $100
(not taking the chance)
He said that I don't calm down to understand anything.
I just blow up all the time
Please you need to be more calm
You never believe me you always thing I am telling you lies
Good day and take care of yourself.
DID HE JUST FEZ ME?!?!?
I told him to send me his company website.
I feel manipulated and lied to by you
Your accent sounds like you're from the UK and not the man in the pictures.
I feel like I am being scammed.
I'm pissed as hell right now.
I'm not stupid or naive. You get that now.
He says "I have nothing to say to you. You have it in your head to call me a scam."
I remind him he agreed that if the situation were reversed he'd be suspicious.
I go on...
If you are who you say you are, and feel they way you claimed you do you'd fight for me, to show me you are real.
He says "I've told you take care."
I'm not replying to you because I have bigger issues to deal with right now.
You insulted me today.
How can I fight for you when you already giving me a headache, adding to my problems.
( How is it my job to solve his fucking problems though???!!)
I said
Maybe when the dust settles and you see things more clearly, you will have time to reflect on how others may feel
He said " I'm getting to see the real you."
Like I'm ashamed of protecting myself or some shit? NGA fuck you.
I tell him
You will see I haven't done anything wrong.
I am just trying to protect myself
I won't apologise for that
I am not a fool
He says
Okay
Thursday, June 8, 2017
The Experiment
There comes a time when your expectations are so fucking low of someone you just can't even bring yourself to talk to them.
I stopped texting. If he texts it's one word answers.
One day he says 'Let's get a room today.'
My brain does this:
" Does this mutherfucker actually think I am going to have sex with him after all this bullshit?! "
"He is fine as hell..."
"The sex will be terrible, skip it."
"I am curious."
"He's not getting a damn room, loser. So I'll say ok, because it's not happening anyway."
So I say sure.
A couple hours later his 'budget has changed, because he has to buy supplies for a party he's doing.'
Told ya.
He offers a movie instead.
Fine.
I get there, and he only has enough money to pay for himself.
Strike one
No snack money
Strike two
He has to get popcorn for his mom to take home.
Strike three.
His mother is perfectly aware that she is intruding on OUR date. She is marking her territory. It made me sick to my stomach that he's such a mommas boy that he will bring her popcorn from the theater. I didn't get popcorn, but she did.
He can't see that there is anything wrong with this, that's the problem. That's how steeped in mommas boy culture he is. I was so grossed out when he got the popcorn when we were leaving I felt I would vomit.
Turned out we were parked not that far from eachother. He put the popcorn in the car then got in my car for a moment. We made out for a long time. We have never done that before in the 3 months I have known him. It's usually a few kisses on the lips then he's gone. We steamed the place up that night.
He text later commenting on how steamy things got.
I was surprised he even followed up about it. He said he would see me the following week sometime.
He did not.
Then this past Tuesday (his day off) he texts me a few moments before my lunchtime. He knows when I go to lunch. He asks if I have eaten yet. I tell him not yet.
I'm thinking he will say good because he's downstairs to take me to lunch.
Jokes on me.
He says 'Oh, I already ate my lunch.'
I tell him 'Thanks for the update.'
He says 'No problem :/' So he knows he fucked up or that I'm being sarcastic for some reason.
This little fucked up interaction is the straw that broke my back.
I can't keep on and on like this.
The good news is that I found an apartment and filled out the application. I am up early because my case manager is going to inspect it this morning and I am going with her. This place is near my job ( in south central proper ) and so cute and cosy. It has a huge closet for all my stuff, a real kitchen separate from the main room and a bathroom with a TUB! I haven't taken a bath in years. I took one once when Kev and I rented a room. But I haven't lived anywhere where I could take a bath. IT HAS AIR CONDITIONING! I couldn't believe it! I real fridge not a mini one. I am beyond excited. The landlord would take my subsidy. AND I HAVE ACCESS TO PARKING!
I feel like my life is about to begin.
This fool is not coming with me.
It's so funny how before I used to daydream about us at my place, in bed watching movies and making love. Cooking and having a drawer for his stuff. That is so retarded now I can't even....
He doesn't deserve space in my life.
He's emotionally stunted wether he wants to admit it or not. I don't have time for it. I deserve so much more. So much better. So much love and thoughtfulness. He has no concept of being thoughtful.
Like showing up on my birthday EMPTY HANDED!
I considered checking out then, but then thought am I being petty? We hadn't been seeing eachother that long. Just a month. But he does artwork for a living, and he knew I wanted a Prince t shirt...... I mean seriously. I love celebrating peoples birthday. I was (in my mental illness) thinking once my on line businesses paid; I'd buy tickets for his birthday to go to Hawaii to see my friends hotel. It would be about $4,000 for a three day weekend. But I was considering it if I had the money to do it.
Now I might not even text him happy birthday.
It sounds petty, but that's how 'left out there' I have felt this whole time. I sincerely doubt between now and the end of the month (when his birthday is) that anything will change for the better so I would even be in the picture. I'll let his girlfriend / Mother handle all of that.
I have officially left the building.
I stopped texting. If he texts it's one word answers.
One day he says 'Let's get a room today.'
My brain does this:
" Does this mutherfucker actually think I am going to have sex with him after all this bullshit?! "
"He is fine as hell..."
"The sex will be terrible, skip it."
"I am curious."
"He's not getting a damn room, loser. So I'll say ok, because it's not happening anyway."
So I say sure.
A couple hours later his 'budget has changed, because he has to buy supplies for a party he's doing.'
Told ya.
He offers a movie instead.
Fine.
I get there, and he only has enough money to pay for himself.
Strike one
No snack money
Strike two
He has to get popcorn for his mom to take home.
Strike three.
His mother is perfectly aware that she is intruding on OUR date. She is marking her territory. It made me sick to my stomach that he's such a mommas boy that he will bring her popcorn from the theater. I didn't get popcorn, but she did.
He can't see that there is anything wrong with this, that's the problem. That's how steeped in mommas boy culture he is. I was so grossed out when he got the popcorn when we were leaving I felt I would vomit.
Turned out we were parked not that far from eachother. He put the popcorn in the car then got in my car for a moment. We made out for a long time. We have never done that before in the 3 months I have known him. It's usually a few kisses on the lips then he's gone. We steamed the place up that night.
He text later commenting on how steamy things got.
I was surprised he even followed up about it. He said he would see me the following week sometime.
He did not.
Then this past Tuesday (his day off) he texts me a few moments before my lunchtime. He knows when I go to lunch. He asks if I have eaten yet. I tell him not yet.
I'm thinking he will say good because he's downstairs to take me to lunch.
Jokes on me.
He says 'Oh, I already ate my lunch.'
I tell him 'Thanks for the update.'
He says 'No problem :/' So he knows he fucked up or that I'm being sarcastic for some reason.
This little fucked up interaction is the straw that broke my back.
I can't keep on and on like this.
The good news is that I found an apartment and filled out the application. I am up early because my case manager is going to inspect it this morning and I am going with her. This place is near my job ( in south central proper ) and so cute and cosy. It has a huge closet for all my stuff, a real kitchen separate from the main room and a bathroom with a TUB! I haven't taken a bath in years. I took one once when Kev and I rented a room. But I haven't lived anywhere where I could take a bath. IT HAS AIR CONDITIONING! I couldn't believe it! I real fridge not a mini one. I am beyond excited. The landlord would take my subsidy. AND I HAVE ACCESS TO PARKING!
I feel like my life is about to begin.
This fool is not coming with me.
It's so funny how before I used to daydream about us at my place, in bed watching movies and making love. Cooking and having a drawer for his stuff. That is so retarded now I can't even....
He doesn't deserve space in my life.
He's emotionally stunted wether he wants to admit it or not. I don't have time for it. I deserve so much more. So much better. So much love and thoughtfulness. He has no concept of being thoughtful.
Like showing up on my birthday EMPTY HANDED!
I considered checking out then, but then thought am I being petty? We hadn't been seeing eachother that long. Just a month. But he does artwork for a living, and he knew I wanted a Prince t shirt...... I mean seriously. I love celebrating peoples birthday. I was (in my mental illness) thinking once my on line businesses paid; I'd buy tickets for his birthday to go to Hawaii to see my friends hotel. It would be about $4,000 for a three day weekend. But I was considering it if I had the money to do it.
Now I might not even text him happy birthday.
It sounds petty, but that's how 'left out there' I have felt this whole time. I sincerely doubt between now and the end of the month (when his birthday is) that anything will change for the better so I would even be in the picture. I'll let his girlfriend / Mother handle all of that.
I have officially left the building.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
When is now
There had been mention of us going to a movie. I was thinking 'time not at the shop finally.' So I was going to be cool.
We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.
He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.
Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot.
There was no movie.
There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?'
There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.
LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ANGRY!
NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!
The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.
Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.
I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself.
I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour.
During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.
On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.
That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater.
I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.
Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!
It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!!
I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together.
Anger is swelling.
He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.
I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in.
He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.
He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.
Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?
He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.
There is no guy downstairs.
It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.
If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.
But
Hugs me and says and I quote:
"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."
WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!
You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?
You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?
You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?
I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.
He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month.
He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.
When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused.
My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.
I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite.
"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation."
He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex.
I am not the one for that.
Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad.
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying.
It's like he's dead inside.
Or a robot.
I get angry when he talks about babies.
He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing.
But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??
RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.
I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.
My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long.
His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't.
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?
We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.
He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.
Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot.
There was no movie.
There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?'
There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.
LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ANGRY!
NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!
The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.
Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.
I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself.
I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour.
During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.
On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.
That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater.
I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.
Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!
It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!!
I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together.
Anger is swelling.
He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.
I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in.
He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.
He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.
Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?
He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.
There is no guy downstairs.
It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.
If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.
But
Hugs me and says and I quote:
"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."
WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!
You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?
You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?
You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?
I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.
He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month.
He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.
When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused.
My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.
I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite.
"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation."
He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex.
I am not the one for that.
Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad.
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying.
It's like he's dead inside.
Or a robot.
I get angry when he talks about babies.
He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing.
But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??
RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.
I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.
My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long.
His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't.
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?
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