The Embarrassing truth

I have been doing on line training for marketing. It was pretty grueling. But at the end they ask these questions. "What is the reason you decided to get into this business."

The most obvious is because I am sick of struggling and being underpaid. My whole adult life I have been low balled at work, and many times worked a full time job and been homeless. I am currently working for $5 and I can't take it anymore. I am sick to death of worrying about money. Even more than that WANTING things I cannot have.

I remember as a teenager seeing adults. Who had traveled the world, who had great places to live that were well lived in (a decade or more) and tons of books and records and clothes. Wardrobe that made them look interesting and worldly. I remember thinking 'I can't wait till I get older and have those things.' Of course at the time you don't know the ins and outs of life. You don't understand how much things cost, or how much you will have to sacrifice in order to have those things. I guess I thought that over time you just fell into them because that's what you did. It never once occurred to me that I would be 50 years old with nothing to show for my journey. It's been weighing on me heavily. 

I was waiting for a bus after getting supplies for work. A tall darkskinned guy rode by on a bike. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Next thing I knew he rode up behind me. I had headphones on so I didn't hear him. He was ok looking but clearly a kid. He had a hellacious body odor. He is riding a bike so I can't really hold it against him. Or can I? He of course asks if he can get my number. I say no. He asks why. I tell him it's not a good idea. I thank him for the nice conversation. He rides away. That's the typical guy that approaches me. Someone young enough to be my son. 

I want this to stop. 

I want to look like a grown woman, not a teenager. Even if I am in my style bag. I want to be clearly a grown up. 

I want a car.

I want a nice apartment in a mixed neighborhood.

I most of all want a relationship with a man whom I have things in common with and who wants to connect with me on the deepest levels. Someone I can have things in common with. Take places, bring around my friends. Plan with. Be in synch with. When there are museum events he's there. When I say Lupe Fiasco is in town in a few days, he has tickets the next minute and is saying we'll go to dinner first. When I say Alvin Ailey is coming to town he's on top of that too. He is sophisticated but he loves GOOD hip hop and all sorts of music. He has exceptional emotional intellect. He is affectionate but he understands I need my space. He's hot in my eyes. He treats me like a queen, and he's worthy of being king.

All this takes money. 

Money to transform into my best self. 

Right now I feel invisible and judged. 

I am stressed all of the time about money. I stress eat. I comfort eat. I have a sugar addiction. I feel out of control. I want to become vegan but I don't want to starve or not enjoy food anymore. I am researching it. Funny thing. A couple of guys that I found myself attracted to, are vegan. I think this is the right direction. I need a better income and a car to be able to go to the outdoor markets to get food to eat so I can lose weight and eat healthy. I stress about this constantly, which drives me to chocolate.

I haven't been in a relationship in 20+ years and don't see another unless I change my body back to what it was before. 

I also want to get surgery on my knee to fix it so I can get back to dance classes too. Dancing was my safe place. My stress relief. I haven't done it regularly and I want to be able to. I could try now, but I am hyper aware of my knee. Like wearing heels would be a mistake because of the weight that would be on my knees. It gives out sometimes without warning. I want all that fixed. That costs money. 

So I have to dig in and get serious about making the money to get it done.