When is now

There had been mention of us going to a movie. I was thinking 'time not at the shop finally.' So I was going to be cool.

We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.

He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.

Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot. 

There was no movie.

There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?' 

There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.

LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO ANGRY!

NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!

The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.

Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.

I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself. 

I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour. 

During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.

On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.

That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater. 

I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.

Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!

It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!! 

I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together. 

Anger is swelling.

He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.

I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in. 

He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.

He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.

Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?

He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.

There is no guy downstairs.

It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.

If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.

But

Hugs me and says and I quote:

"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."

WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!

You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?

You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?

You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?

I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.

He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month. 

He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.

When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused. 

My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.

I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite. 

"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation." 

He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex. 

I am not the one for that. 

Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad. 
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying. 

It's like he's dead inside.

Or a robot.

I get angry when he talks about babies.

He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing. 

But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??

RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.

I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.  

My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long. 

His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.

I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't. 
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?