Cliche'

Every woman goes through a time when there isn't anyone in her life. 

There may be a guy here or there that have digestible traits, but overall aren't dateable for whatever reason.

Guy 1. Met like 4 years ago. He has 2 kids, he lives at home with his sick mother and stepdad. He goes to school and works. He has very little free time. 

We have a sexual chemistry that is very satisfying. We have hung out and gone to movies and dinners but that was in the beginning. I know if I sleep with him it will be good. But I barely get to see him. If I am lucky once every three months.

Guy 2. Met 8 months ago. We belonged to an on line community. I figured since we live in the same town why don't we know eachother. I went to meet him at his shop. I liked him right away. One of the first things he told me is he has a learning disability. I didn't think much about it at the time. But as time went on I realized he's on the asbergers spectrum. He's 37, lives with his mother, and has been to jail even though I can't really get a straight answer from him. It was something traffic related. So he doesn't own a car either. He drives his mother's car but can't have passengers per whatever judgement.

I am wildly physically attracted to him. Little did I know what I struggle I would be in for. There are several elements against me. The asbergers, plus the fact that he is a black man raised in the hood. He regularly referred to women as bitches when we met. He bragged about how big he was too which was super childish to me. But it would become clear that I was dealing with someone who hadn't progressed past the 10th grade. 

He seemed completely obsessed with having a kid. He would talk on a loop about getting me pregnant. I told him I'm too old to get pregnant not to mention I never want to be pregnant or give birth. Not just that but all the things that have to be in place before any of that happens. A solid relationship and finances, health insurance, and extended family to help grow a child. He can't even tell me how he feels about me. He doesn't openly express affection. Getting him to kiss me is a full time job. I usually like to spend time making out with a guy before I have sex with him. Seeing how he touches me with our clothes on. 

The first time we had sex he came over like gangbusters and talking like a high school kid would. "Why did you call me over here." It was all a rush to the finish line. I kept trying to concentrate on the moment and how things felt but things were going to fast I couldn't focus on anything. There were barely any kisses, no foreplay and then he has his 'I won't kiss you after you have gone down on me' issue. So dealing with that after was frustrating as hell. Afterward he text that next time he'd be more throurough. Yeah ok.

Two weeks would pass before he'd come back. We'd watch TV for a while and cuddle. I'd try and touch him and kiss his neck. He jumps up and gets undressed and he's in my mouth. I love the way he talks to me. It's a huge turn on. We were all over the bed and I was every excited. At one point he asks if he should go in raw. I told him no. He's not getting me pregnant. So no. He took out a condom and put it on. He wanted me on my knees. Next thing I knew he was going soft and saying it wasn't going to happen. He said he has 'alot on his mind' and that he 'worked out that day'. He works out early in the morning this was 8 at night. I was a little angry. He didn't offer to finish me off or anything. We just watched tv naked. I wanted to talk about what happened, but knew there would be no point. I don't think he's ever had a mature relationship with a grown woman who knows what she wants. I know I am wasting my time and heart on him but I don't understand why I want him so much. 

I have these fantasies of him breaking out of this not communicating thing, and take trips places and are in love. He's expressive and affectionate and he gives me little presents. He gives me long kisses and tells me I'm hot. He hasn't once complimented me. He pokes me in my belly. He once slapped me in it. When I asked him why he said because it was jiggling. I didn't know what to think. It felt borderline abusive.

All I think is how I deserve more. How I shouldn't be struggling like this for simple affection and attention. I get really angry. Like tonight I text that I'd love to see him. No response. Anger.

I am on the verge of a career change that would catapult me financially. I think he's worried about it. Like why would I want him then? The funny part is it's not material stuff that would keep me loyal. It's the simple things he can do but won't or can't do. Being available. Being emotionally available. Being affectionate. Telling me what I mean to him. I don't think he has the capacity to do these things. How the hell would I justify having a kid with him. He expresses zero emotion. I have seen him more excited over doughnuts than me. It's really humiliating. 

Why am I here?
Why is this happening to me?
Why can't I be attracted to someone who can meet my needs?

I beat myself up.