Reading and remembering

I'm still engrossed in my story. 

Yes the box was a ring. 

I said yes. 

We are getting married.

But something popped up in the story that jogged a memory of mine.

The guy in the story is a rockstar and ex junkie and alcoholic. He has mentioned that I am his addiction. His bandmate said that when we weren't together it was worse than when he was using. My boos sponsor says that the relationship is doomed because I am his reason for living. That it's a co dependent relationship, and that he's just replaced drugs with me. 

I remembered a relationship I got into in my early 20s with a guy who had been smoking weed since he was 9. He was 19 when I met him. He told a friend that he liked me, and the friend knew I didn't like guys who smoked weed. (my ex did and that's why I have the rule to this day) So he said he would stop. All of his friends were pot smokers. He would later realize that had he not smoked pot, none of them would be his friends. He wouldn't even know them. That went for just about everyone he knew. We would stop by to see them one day and they were stunned by how animated he was. They had NEVER seen him that way. They thought it was good. He didn't see them that often. 

Over time I would learn about addiction and how it works. If you watch television and look at the eyes of the actors their pupils are almost always dilated. When a man is aroused same thing. Same thing happens when a person does drugs. The same part of the brain is accessed. That's why sex can be an addiction. The pleasure part of the brain is taken over. He stopped weed and replaced it with sex. If I wasn't in the mood he would become abusive and relentless until I gave in. He needed a fix and wouldn't let me rest till he got it. It was hell. It made me not want to be with him.

I see similar things happening in the story. Except the rockstar doesn't verbally abuse me if I am not in the mood. I had cramps and he took care of me and rubbed my tummy. We have a ton of sex in the story. Championship level sex. Which is cool for a romance. I can't help but wonder how it will hold up in a marriage. We are still madly in love and planning a wedding. Which he has helped with as well. (shocking!) He seems like he's going to be an amazing loving caring husband. 

I think this story is warping my brains.

He calls me dove because he says I bring him peace. Doves are a symbol of that. The top is me crying after he asks me to marry him. The bottom is that night at his concert. He pulls me on stage and makes the 'announcement'. It's pretty fucking emotional stuff. He's crazy sweet. But besides that he's a straight shooter. He will not lie. You ask him a question, he tells you the truth about it, and doesn't sugar coat or beat around the bush. That's refreshing as fuck. He says what's on his mind. He doesn't pretend shit. You wish guys were like this IRL.

But I can't help but wonder. How things will turn out in the future for these characters. 

I may be acting like a middle aged love starved housewife reading romance novels and falling for the hero in the story. But at least I am staying true to my rock roots while doing it. LOL! 

Reading still

I went and got real groceries. I only spent $52. So I have $60 left. I noticed how my body felt as I walked. I put on a skirt and it sat lower on my body. I thought I can't wait till I am having to take clothes in because they no longer fit. I am excited that the WLD is working. I came home and folded clothes. I thought about making a dress pattern for simple tank dresses. All of the slip dresses I bought a year or so ago are all stretched out and baggy. They all used to cling to me. They are cheap so I could buy new ones but in a smaller size.

I made a salad and ate. I started a new story. This time a woman gets cheated on again after 7 years and breaks up with her boyfriend. She wallows and her bff comes over to cheer her up. She has tickets to see her favorite band. Plus back stage passes. 

I get back stage and see the lead singer whom I have crushed on for years and don't quite know what to say. He approaches we have small talk. I invite him to get a cubano with me. There is an instant physical attraction right off the bat. But he's a cool guy. Ex junkie and alcoholic. He's clean so he's pretty chill on the road. He's so smitten with me that he invites me to go on tour with him. He'd hand me his black card and tell me to go shopping for clothes to wear. He had something planned that night after his show. He ended the show early because he didn't see me in the front row. He was angry about it. I had words with some of his groupies who were in the section, so to not put hands on the bitches I chose to leave and go backstage. He'd take me on a date to get Persian food that night. Most of which was delivered to the hotel because we couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. Tons of sex, but then I decide we need to knock off the sex and get to know each other for real. We pass through Virgina and he shows me a park where he was homeless for 6 months when he landed in the states. (he's English) He bathed in the public toilet and washed his clothes there. He ate out of grocery store garbage cans. They threw away wrapped food every day. He wrote songs in the park and slept on a bench at night. It was pretty intense. He had a rough childhood, and was born addicted to drugs. But now was the head of a huge band. He rented a cabin for us to stay in over the Christmas holidays. He was a great cook, he'd cook some fantastic meal everyday. We went ice skating and I fell pretty bad. He took me to the hospital. We hot tubbed and watched Christmas movies. I gave him a gift of my journal from age 12 to 22. Much of what was in there was about him. We'd cuddle by the fire at night. He'd give me the key to his apartment in London and ask me to move in with him. I was hesitant as I had just gotten out of a live in relationship. My hesitation upset him. I figured we'd try it out for three months and then see how it was going. He said that would work. We seem to be getting very close, and connected. I have to wait an hour for the next round of chapters.

I

At dinner I got to ask about the origins of some of his songs. He talks about times when he tried to kill himself but didn't. That's why I am clutching my chest with that look on my face.

The top pic is in the limo to get cubanos. He's flirting HARD!

It's funny how caught up I get in these stories. But I can't say they haven't motivated me in a weird way to get in gear. The way the sex is described, is the kind I wish I was having. Some dude dipped in gold lavishing attention on you and taking you to cool places, yes please! It's a little embarrassing and a tiny bit humiliating. But it passes the time. I like to read anyway. It's just a new interactive medium. 

later_____

This story has got me all kinds of fucked up. Like on the verge of fucking tears and shit. The band was playing new years rockin eve in NY, and at the last minute he was told that he is performing a song with one of his exes who's a pop star (married) pop star. She makes a point to rub my face in it backstage. I am annoyed he didn't say anything. He only found out right before the show. Afterward I asked him about it. He said he was sorry for not telling me. We get stuck in massive traffic in the limo and make out. We manage to make it back to the hotel room and undress and make love all night. 

In the am he isn't in bed. I am looking everywhere for him. He's not in the room. There is a card and a piece of paper that says 'have a good life' with his name. He leaves his black card. I'm stuck on stupid. I break down. I fly back home to Miami. A couple of months go by. I am crashed out on my bffs couch. My other ex has taken over my place so I can't go back there. My parents aren't speaking to me because I broke up with a rockstar. HE LEFT ME! I am in all kinds of emotional pain. I try and go to a party with the bff but I am so sad I can't have fun. I go back to the house and try and sleep. Before I do I decide I have to try to get him back. In the am I tell my bff my plan. She's been keeping tabs on his travels and tells me he's in Vegas. We get a flight to vegas. When we are in the lobby bff spots the band in the lobby too. He sees me, stands and stares and walks away. There is a chick in the band who comes over to say whats up. She's mad cool. The people at the front desk are busy on the phones and haven't spoken to us. The cool chick invites us to stay in her room. Bff accepts. We decide to go to a strip club. (the band chick is gay) It's not really my thing. They see I'm preoccupied so they tell me to go find him. She tells me what room he is in. I go back to the hotel and get in a crowded elevator. Last one in. As the people clear out I realize he is the last person in the elevator. I tell him how leaving me a note made me feel. But I pointed out that he left the key to his apartment. I take it out to give it back, he presses it back into my hand and says he missed me so much. We kiss. We're back in bed again for the day. We get into the giant bath and I try and talk to him and get answers about WHY he left. He's not that forth coming. I tell him he's got to fight for me. I leave and go look for my friends. They are passed out in band girls room and won't answer their phones. I go to the hotel bar. I need a root beer. The bartender knows who I am and is aware of the breakup. One of dudes bandmates sees me at the bar and needs to lash out at me. How I broke dude and how I left him a shell. How he was better on drugs and drinking than without me. I guess homie didn't know I wasn't the one who wanted out. I leave the bar and sit by the pool. I'm upset naturally. I put my feet in the pool and wonder if he will fight for us. I feel him behind me. He tells me that he doesn't want to be without me. He uses the word FOREVER and pulls out a box. 

Naturally it's the end of the scene and a 2 hour break!!!!!
ARG!!!!!! I really hope there is a ring in that box.

later.

Inspired Why

I am feeling like I can get some shit done this month. I am drinking WLD to get ready to go to the store to get veggies and meat. I'll cook and store today. I will get a bunch of cucumbers and chop them for snacks or meals. I like to dip the chips in balsamic and ranch mix and eat them. Half a cucumber fills me up. If I do this every week plus a dinner with protein and WLD 3 to 4 times a day by the end of the month I should look different.

The story I read on line is really resonating in me. 

This is the guy in the story. He's gorgeous. But how he is in the story is really a gentleman. He's protective, he's kind. He's flattering. He's generous, thoughtful and very sweet. Of course I started longing for that IRL. This is the kind of man you marry and have kids with. I guess it doesn't matter that it's just a fictional interactive story that has this fire in my belly. That makes me want to change right now. To be able to get out there and find the real one. Or if I run across the real one I can catch his eye. I could be a contender. Like I said before I know men in books and movies are extremes. Fictional. Perfect because they are written that way. The real life one will probably have tons of flaws, we will get in fights. He may even be an asshole sometimes. But I want to be in there to win. I found another photo that spoke to me.

To be HER! 
How do I get that job?
I crave intimacy. The real kind.

Encouraged

I have been indulging in a bunch of bullshit eating for the past couple of months.

When I went to the clinic the other day and got on the scale I was like 'this is it' I can't keep putting this off. I loaded up on juices, lemons, honey and ACV. I said three times a day I will drink my WLD. (weight loss drink) I started doing it. My stomach was getting so big it was surpassing my boobs. I was looking pregnant even. My stomach has gone down considerably. There were these bikini briefs I bought a long time ago. When I tried them on, because my stomach was so big they would roll down. So they were not comfortable to wear. I put them on and they don't roll down! I can see progress. 

Last month on the 4th I was on my period so when my FS came in all I wanted to do was eat junk food. I would get pizza rolls and wings from family dollar. Soda and ice cream and eat that 4 days straight. I did it again this month and burnt through $90 in 3 days. I have to get real food tomorrow. I thought since I can see my body is changing, I could eat veggies and chicken only. And continue my WLD 3x a day. GO HARD ON IT so I can actually lose weight and inches. I feel like I can do it. Like I won't struggle to do it now. 

I feel like I should go to the boost mobile and apply for a job so I can make the money I need for my business investments.

$250 for shoe reseller licence.
$80 for bitcoin
$35 for credit repair
$45 vacation business
$80 for a color printer
$50 for ink

Of course fabric and stuff. But to get those things up and running is crucial right now. 

One thing about the drink, it's cleaning out my insides. REALLY CLEANING OUT. Every morning. Which I can tolerate as long as I have to time to sit there and get through it. But each time I feel like I am releasing what it's holding me back. I went out today, and my clothes fit better. I put on a small t shirt and I didn't have to keep pulling it down. I felt hope for the first time in forever. I might feel like going a little overboard because I want to succeed this time. I want to lose a significant amount of weight. I want to be the woman I dream about. The show stopper. The one that gets pursued by men of substance and intention. I want to look put together, and glamorous. I want to be in love, the real kind. 

Weirdness

I have all this time on my hands. I want to fill it with creative projects. Like finally cutting and sewing that new wardrobe I have been thinking about. I have two events this weekend. So that could be an excuse. I have some hair I could crochet and get a new wig out of. Just during the day it's so hot I don't want to move. I've been doing the family dollar dinner run the past couple of nights; but I have to stop before I waste all of my foodstamps this month again. I did that last month inside of a week. 

I have however been drinking my weight loss drinks regularly. I see they are working. My stomach is going down and hips too. I have to get serious on it. Cut the junk food and go clean food and drink my drinks religiously. I have to get control of my body and my life. I haven't worn makeup since I went to the temp office two weeks ago. Boost mobile has a huge now hiring sign out front. But this is a Mexican neighborhood. I pause because I may have to speak spanish. I just want to get my re seller licence! I got the internet box yesterday. I will get paid for 4 months to keep it. Plus $25 bonus. They said in 3 days time. I can pay my hulu bill with that. 

I have become hyper aware of me not having human touch. I want it but not from just any rando. All the spacemen have gone back to outer space. There was a contender but when I asked him about his Sunday plans on Wednesday and he hasn't answered me on the following Tuesday; I midas well put a line through his name. NO ONE IS THAT BUSY!  Why are men such skittish little puppies? The internet is becoming increasingly the place for the socially inept to hang out. People who have zero intention of meeting anyone. Just want to text and talk shit on line. I'm so done.

I keep thinking about the hand squeeze that Jerry gave me the last time I saw him. I have such a crush on that man! But I don't know what to do about it. The physical attraction is off the charts with that one. But I feel like there are too many variables to overcome. I have no car and he lives DEEP in the valley for one. When someone lives almost 20 miles away it's hard to be casual and 'I was just in the neighborhood'. If I were going to have sex with anyone new I'd want it to be him. Why didn't I go sit next to him after he squoze my hand!? UGH! It will probably be months before I see him again. We however are having a festival in the valley next week so hopefully he will come to it so I can undress him with my eyes.

Which leads to my next issue. 

I have spent long stretches of time alone. As not in a relationship. I don't want to think about it much. Or get sad about it. I always made it a practice not to watch chick movies or read romance novels. Mostly because the men in them are such freaks that they make actual men look like animals. Men in media are perfect. Sometimes flawed, and make mistakes. But always come around to fall in love. 500 Days of Summer was the most realistic movie about love. Because it was about a guy who got fixated on a woman who told him up front that she didn't want a relationship. But he kept getting in deeper till he got hurt. He blamed her even though she was honest going in. That was like real life. But all the other flowery bullshit is brainwashing. I never wanted to fill my head with that shit so I couldn't function in the real world with real men because I expected them to be like in the movies or books. When I had a crush on someone or a lover I would indulge a bit, because I would have an outlet. But black women don't get treated like princesses, or get told how beautiful they are by the man they adore. The last time I was told I was beautiful was by AL, and he would violate me the first time we'd have sex. Also rush through it. I don't know what happened to him.

Anyhoo.

I started downloading games onto my phone to kill time and procrastinate about my life.  I downloaded these story games where you put yourself as the main character. You customize yourself to look however you want. Then you customize your love interest to look any way you want them to. Some games you can customize everyone in your friend group. If you have an ex, them too. You go through and you make choices about what you will do in the story. You get to change clothes and hairstyles depending on where you are going etc. 

I started this one story that was sort of alternative. The people on the cover had colored hair and tattoos and piercings. I was like cool! So I went in. I customize the guys I like to look similar each time. Brown skin, brown eyes, full juicy lips, short kinky dreads or long braids. In this story now he's also covered in tattoos, and used to be in a famous band. He loves music as do I, and has money but chooses to work. There is a club my bestie and I like to hang at. I met him there initially in passing. The next day he shows up at my office and is my new boss. We spend lots of time staring at each other and standing very close. We start going to lunch together and getting to know each other. I guess my character was a smash and dash type chick. My ex broke my heart so I started smash and dashing. I had one guy I hooked up with the most. But I'd sneak out in the middle of the night each time. But the new boss has my attention. Of course the ex appears after three years and wants to talk. Turns out he and the boss used to be in the same band and have bad blood now. The ex hates that I am with his ex bandmate and arch rival. But who cares. I am struggling with wanting to be in a relationship with the new dude and getting over my past heartbreak. We are getting closer and closer. 

I am all caught up in the drama and romance of the story. I found myself wishing the boss guy was real. 

DAMMIT!!!!!

I like can't put the damn thing down. I mean, I have to because you can only read so many chapters at a time then a timer kicks in and tells you how long till the next chapters can be read. It could be an hour or three hours. So I have to wait to see what happens next. I started to feel a little sad. I am so invested in this story but there is nothing remotely like this in my actual life. My character of course is super cute. My dream self. I have a long way to go before I can be the IRL version. I started to wonder if there was anyone IRL that would move me like the guy in the story. Yeah. Dude in Vietnam. He takes my breath away like that. But he's 6000 miles from here. Might not come back either. The couple of times I met guys who really got to me, they promptly moved away! IDK what's up with that. I had strong feelings for Sammy but he was all mixed messages. I'd text him and he wouldn't answer. When I'd see him and ask him if he got my texts he'd say yes. He never had a good enough reason why he didn't answer. Just some bullshit about us being linked telepathically so he answered me in his head. UGH. I called him a couple of months ago and he picked up sort of. It was like he was doing something else. I could hear his voice in the background but he never said HELLO. Then he hung up. When I called back he didn't answer. I went by his shop a few months later and some other guy was at the counter. He wasn't there. Some young looking kid was. He was talking to his mom. I didn't go in and ask where he was. I was afraid to know. 

I don't know what to do about any of it. I guess just read on line romances and forget about it.

-later-

I got to the end of my 'romance story' and it turned out okay. The thing about these stories is that some of them are a few chapters and they end suddenly. Or they build up and leave you high and dry. Like for instance the girl meets the dashing older billionaire. He invites her to a charity gala, and the story ends before she can even pick out a dress. You don't know what happens. UGH! I was hoping this story wouldn't do that. There was so much buildup between the two leads, that I would be angry if the story ended without them consummating their love. The ex comes in and wants to explain his cheating incident to me. He was on the road with his band. He caught a stalker. He kept trying to lose her, and pushing her away. She broke into his room and wouldn't leave. He left and went to his bandmates room to call security. They went to see if she was still in the room, she was gone. He crashed that night in the bandmates room. The next morning he went back to his room to shower and get dressed and call his girl on skype. While he was talking to her the stalker jumps out of the closet and starts talking mad shit like he'd been screwing her the whole tour. His girl freaks out and moves out of their apartment and is nowhere to be found. He never screwed this woman. BUT then the boss man joined the band and had a supermodel girlfriend. The ex was hitting groupies every night. He meets this chick at the bar and screws her that night. Then finds out the next night it was the bosses girlfriend. He immediately cops to it and says he's sorry and he didn't know that was her. She says she was drunk and the ex took advantage. The boss gets pissed at the ex. Stops being friends. The girlfriend goes on tour with them. The boss is coming off stage one night and goes looking for her and catches her with another dude. He realizes that his bandmate was telling the truth about her. But they don't make up, he leaves the band. 

He tells me all of this at the beach with the whole band there even the boss. He begs me to come back to him. I want to move on. It's been three years. Plus I know I'm in love with the boss now. He cries and begs, and that day on skype right before the stalker bust out of the closet he was going to ask me something. Here three years later, right in front of the new man and ex bandmate he says he was going to propose. That's nice and all but it's too late. I choose the boss. 

The boss has a huge house with lots of rooms, two recording studios and a gym. He moves his friend in after the beach trip. He asks to speak to me privately in another part of the house. He takes me into a room and locks the door. It's on and cracking. Sweet love. 

We go to work the next day. After work he wants to take me to dinner. He says he'd like me to stay over so he'd take me by my house to get some of my things. He waits outside for me. When I get to my room, my ex is there with flowers and more begging. I tell him I have made my choice already. He is crying, I am crying but I am not going back to him. He asks if I will come to his house for dinner and a final goodbye. The boss walks in and asks what is going on here? The end. 

The writer may or may not continue the story. I could go on and on with this story. Like their relationship getting serious. The boss proposing. A wedding. Babies the whole thing. I don't know if any stories go on for months like that. But I got really attached to this one. Caught up even.

I feel silly even.

The FUKing message

Some shows don't get my interest right way. Shows about white suburban families are low on the list, and I usually end up binging them out of boredom in the summer. I did watch Parenthood when it was on but I didn't pick up till the last season. I used to watch COACH back in the day, so Craig T Nelson was kind of a draw, and Loreli Gilmore, and Joy Bryant being a dot in the cast. I am always curious about the one black character in a sea of white people. Michael B Jordan KILLMONGER has a character which when he was introduced I knew why he was there. For the pasty moon faced privileged white girl to fixate upon. I called it. But the thing is she's 16 he's 19. Dropped out of high school. Mom died and dad couldn't cope after, so they ended up homeless. Dad started drinking, so did Mike. He got in recovery, he got emancipated at 16 and has been on his own ever since. But he's been clean for 6 months. He's in AA and isn't supposed to abstain from relationships for a year. He tells moonface girl this. Does she listen? Hell no. She won't back down. She mentions him to the family. Invite him for dinner. He comes over like Sidney Portier with flowers for mom and the 9. He is polite, open honest and charming. He lays everything about his life out for the parents. They like the guy alot. BUT.....it's inappropriate for their 16 year old be dating him. He's grown and been through some shit. He's a grown ass man, and she's a baby in high school. Of course they tell their daughter this when he leaves. She loses her mind. Doesn't tell Mike what her parents said, and acts like business as usual. She sneaks around to see him, lies to her parents; uses her cousin as a shield. But one day he comes to pick her up and she runs out of the house and is busted. Mike is like WHAT IS HAPPENING! He's pissed he was put in this position. The next day he goes to the dads work and talks to him man to man explaining he didn't know. Dad says it's not cool with us, you get it? You are grown, we want her to stay a kid while she's a kid. Mike gets it. He shuts it down. Moonface shows up at Mikes work (at the food bank where they met so she can fullfill her community service credit for college applications) He had her pegged from the start. He told her he didn't like being lied to, or put in the position of looking like a bad guy. To leave him be until her parents change their position. She up and moves to her grandparents house. They already have 3 people living with them. Their  youngest daughter and her two kids. She camps out there because she can't get her way. In the meantime Mike is out of the picture. So she's doing it for nothing really. After about a week grandma evicts her and she goes home. Mom and dad set conditions on her seeing Mike. They caved.

UGH.

On the other black side. Joy got pregnant by blond dude and waited 5 years to tell him. He comes running and wants to be a dad. She told her whole family he walked out on her. Her father had walked out on her mother. So when blond dude shows up for the kids birthday party, he gets nothing but shade from the black people. They go in on him. Joy steps up and tells the truth, that she lied. So they back off a bit. Blond dude is a musician who lives on a boat and is footloose and fancy free. But when he becomes a father, he starts dating his mother and they fall in love. They decide to move in and get engaged. They get a new apartment, and he decides to sell the boat he's lived on for years. But once they move in Joy makes all the decisions. She needs him to be a dad who backs her up with the kid. Delivers consequences. He didn't get it at first. Then the kid has a tantrum and tells him no. He gets it. DING! But Joy continually makes all the decisions on everything. They go to her church for pre marital counselling and she won't let him speak. He's getting fed up. It was weird to me because she goes to church. So supposedly she's a Christian. But I guess she's a sometimes Christian who actually hasn't read the bible or been in any type of bible study. She doesn't know what God says about the husband and wife. The HUSBAND is the head of the household. The wife must follow her husband. I am surprised that the pastor didn't point that out in their meeting. He didn't refer them to couples bible study either. 

Blond dude is home with Joy and she's telling him he's loading the dishwasher wrong. He's putting the groceries away wrong. He snaps. He tells her she's controlling. He lets it all out. Good for him. But she hears what she wants to hear. 

The same old tired stereotype. First she's a single mother. Then when she gets a man, she is bossy. I am so tired of this picture. Her mother is also bossy. Bitter because her man left her with the kids. Apple, tree. 

I felt tired.

I decided to take control of my destiny this coming week.

I hope I don't go to jail.

Shock not shock

I saw on line an obesity study that paid $1,000. I figured I'd sign up. Getting there would be another story entirely. 

Today I finally went. The place doesn't seem very organized. They say I have to 'qualify' for the study because I have to have a certain gene that causes obesity. So they needed to take blood and test for the gene. They couldn't find a vein (no one ever can) so they swabbed my mouth instead. If I qualify, then I get compensated. They were so unorganized I won't plan on hearing from them or making money. However......

I had to get on a scale.

gulp

290

I assume their scale will add pounds because they are trying to get people in the study, but almost 20 pounds? I am in shock. I was like 10 pounds till I round 300. Nice. But I doubt that I weigh that much. Do they have a scale at CVS? I have to get a scrip filled.

I did the math, I am twice my body weight. I am 145 lbs overweight. That was my original weight. It was a lifetime ago. When I was 20 I was 145. Now at 50 I am twice that. It is hard for me to lose any weight when half of the food I eat in a month comes from the food bank. I will admit the last two months I have been indulging in soda and ice cream regularly. It was so hot out only an ice cold soda felt good. Stepping on the scale showed me that my indulgence was real. I have the weight to prove it. I am upset, but not crying or feeling like I have to starve myself. Whenever I think about losing weight; I start craving junk food. I want pizza or burgers. I think about ice cream. It's been this way for years. I finally did all the research about how to lose the weight and know what I have to do. There is a plan on line that I wanted to buy once I started working but here I am 8 months into the year and I still don't have a job. There is a job fair tomorrow and I put myself on a mailing list for it. But I wasn't ready to go. I don't have an outfit ready. I feel my wardrobe is incredibly shabby. Especially the shoes. If I had some expensive shoes; I could fake my way in. Plus a bag to match. I feel everything I own looks like a homeless person. Nothing looks polished. Nothing looks expensive. I am self conscious whenever I have to dress to go to an interview or to an office. But maybe I might have to fake my way through it. I can't take feeling stuck. Unwanted, Ugly/Fat, broke anymore. I don't want to commit suicide or anything. I just don't want this to be all there is.