So the first ghost that looked me up on FB about 8 weeks ago has not made contact the way I would like. I chilled. But then I started to wonder WTF is the hold up. It was he's broke, or the car doesn't work. Or the car won't make the trip, which is a long one. He doesn't want to take 2 busses and 2 trains to get here and the same back. I'm not worth the trouble I guess. I made the trip to get an aux cord from him.
He's the gold standard in bed. He's the best I'd ever had in California. But the waiting months is pissing me off.
I ask what's up.
He gives me some story about how he feels a little guilty because he's sort of dating someone.
WTF?
If you are dating someone then why look me up?
He wasn't dating her 8 weeks ago.
This is fuckboy bullshit.
He didn't want a relationship with me way back when. Fine. But then he looks me up after two years. But then starts 'dating' someone else AFTER he's already talking to me but then feels some type of way toward her even though I was here first.
I want so much more than this.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I have to be someone else.
Turn into someone else.
REALLY.
I went and got juice and stuff for the cleanse.
I feel like I have to transform into someone else in order to get any respect.
I am so tired of being treated like an afterthought.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Monday, July 9, 2018
...and back to dark again
I was paranoid about not being on time to my first day. I didn't know what to wear. I pulled out my most plain clothes for the week. I hate 'office attire' but I will do it so I can have a life. I got my period on Friday and had been cramping. I was really hyper aware of how I looked and felt. I was worried I'd smell bad. I was really worried about it. But my flow would be lighter today. I took a shower in the morning and at night.
I got there at the stroke of 9 and had to wait about 30 minutes. I went in with another girl who had apparently worked there before. A lady showed me what to do. I worked on a stack of mail. I sat next to two cool people. We chatted a bit throughout the day.
Over the weekend I did a bunch of dreaming. My friends were planning the trip to Seattle. I was excited to finally have money to do what I wanted. Finally be able to pay my way with my friends. I put headders on my pages in my sketch book, but I didn't fill them in. I couldn't. Not yet. I told myself, get through the week then this weekend start making the list.
I found cheap sneakers on line I wanted. I thought about outfits and hair. I would be able to go on my diet and start losing weight. I was feeling relief. I was feeling hope. I was seeing my car in 6 weeks.
I got through the day and made my way to the train. The agency tried to call me but my phone was dying. I told her I would charge my phone and text her to call me.
I got a twinge.
It's bad news.
Nah.
Shake it off.
Then I got anxious.
I started to worry.
She called.
The news was not good. The job called and said it wasn't going to work out. Their needs changed. REALLY? Since this morning? I started to worry that I smelled bad, and someone complained. I felt like people were talking behind my back. I noticed that the mail room was low key segregated. Latin girls on one side blacks on the other. The lawyers cubby holes are over the Latin sides area. I had to sort mail and put it in the cubbys. But I had to hunt for the names. I kept hearing giggling, and talking in spanish. For a second I thought they were saying mean things about me and giggling. Then 'it's not working out, their needs have changed.'
I am trying not to get sad. I am trying my best not to be derailed by this. I made like $100. How can I make this money work for me so I don't have to beg for jobs? I am not going back in the bag.
I won't!
I've smelled fresh air, and felt the sun.
I can't go back!
I got there at the stroke of 9 and had to wait about 30 minutes. I went in with another girl who had apparently worked there before. A lady showed me what to do. I worked on a stack of mail. I sat next to two cool people. We chatted a bit throughout the day.
Over the weekend I did a bunch of dreaming. My friends were planning the trip to Seattle. I was excited to finally have money to do what I wanted. Finally be able to pay my way with my friends. I put headders on my pages in my sketch book, but I didn't fill them in. I couldn't. Not yet. I told myself, get through the week then this weekend start making the list.
I found cheap sneakers on line I wanted. I thought about outfits and hair. I would be able to go on my diet and start losing weight. I was feeling relief. I was feeling hope. I was seeing my car in 6 weeks.
I got through the day and made my way to the train. The agency tried to call me but my phone was dying. I told her I would charge my phone and text her to call me.
I got a twinge.
It's bad news.
Nah.
Shake it off.
Then I got anxious.
I started to worry.
She called.
The news was not good. The job called and said it wasn't going to work out. Their needs changed. REALLY? Since this morning? I started to worry that I smelled bad, and someone complained. I felt like people were talking behind my back. I noticed that the mail room was low key segregated. Latin girls on one side blacks on the other. The lawyers cubby holes are over the Latin sides area. I had to sort mail and put it in the cubbys. But I had to hunt for the names. I kept hearing giggling, and talking in spanish. For a second I thought they were saying mean things about me and giggling. Then 'it's not working out, their needs have changed.'
I am trying not to get sad. I am trying my best not to be derailed by this. I made like $100. How can I make this money work for me so I don't have to beg for jobs? I am not going back in the bag.
I won't!
I've smelled fresh air, and felt the sun.
I can't go back!
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Dark to Light
So... I was getting low on food. I had cup of noodles. I had parmesean cheese. I had french dressing, and cream cheese, and some salsa. I had some mixed frozen veggies from the food bank. I ate this for days. My counselor took me to bixel street to get food at the community center. It was garbage. More fucking whole wheat pasta. I got a big can of chicken. I mixed cream cheese and mayo, mustard and relish and ate it with matza bread. That lasted a day. I was getting so fucking hungry. I had to hold on till the 4th. But it was a holiday. I noticed on the first my welfare payment didn't post. I got nervous. So on the 3rd I went to the office to check. The 2nd I would have gone but I got sidetracked with drama. Another post.
The worker told me they were keeping my money because of an overpayment. I was pissed because I needed to pay my phone bill and internet. She said I would get my food stamps on time. The 4th was a holiday so I didn't think I would get my stamps. I rode to the valley to get the aux cord from Kev for the dvd player. So I could watch movies when my internet was cut off. That took hours there and back. So I was like I will get them the next day. I go to the store and there are no food stamps. It's blazing hot outside too. So I had to schlep to the office to see what the fuck. The worker said there was nothing wrong with my case. She released the food stamps. It was so hot out I felt like dying. I had only the energy to go to the dollar general and grab something for the day. I got carbs and ice cream. I passed out.
Today is Friday. It was 102 degrees out. I walked outside about noon and came right back in. I got my paycheck so I paid my phone bill and internet. I was planning on going to Santa Monica on Monday to talk to Justina face to face since she never called me back. People don't listen to their voicemails on their work phone anymore. I needed to work, and the agency needed my second reference. Justina was it. But they called me anyway today with a full time permanent job. It's a scan clerk at a law firm downtown. Perfect. $500 a week. My whole life just shifted that quick. I start Monday. So I got a brand new wig. The one I bought 2 weeks ago, I thought it was too big and bushy so I tried to thin it out and it looks crazy now. I should have left it alone. It is just a mess. I got foundation and powder, a new lipstick. I have to do laundry tomorrow. I unfortunately started my period in this heat. I feel terrible. But I have to get groceries for my lunches next week.
I sang praise to God all day. Thank you! I won't let you down! I will stay focused and stick to the plan. My first check I will get my diet program going. I will not look back. The AP crew is planning the Seattle trip for August 16 through 19th. I will be able to afford to go! I am so happy. I can see my mom! I can see my dad too! I can invest in all of my businesses and be independent by October 30th if I work hard and focus.
I was thinking I should book my own night at the skiptown that is for underground films. Kinglsee will never do them. There are so many amazing films that have followings. I have to branch out. I think I will call it Quirk Show. Kwerk Sho. I need to do it. With this job I will be able to get my car. I will be able to elevate my wardrobe. I will be able to go to Bananas once a month. I will be able to go out on the weekends. I am so happy. I feel vindicated.
Yesterday I had this image of myself like a kitten stuffed in a sack and thrown in a river to drown.
Today
Kitty is out of the bag.
RARWR
The worker told me they were keeping my money because of an overpayment. I was pissed because I needed to pay my phone bill and internet. She said I would get my food stamps on time. The 4th was a holiday so I didn't think I would get my stamps. I rode to the valley to get the aux cord from Kev for the dvd player. So I could watch movies when my internet was cut off. That took hours there and back. So I was like I will get them the next day. I go to the store and there are no food stamps. It's blazing hot outside too. So I had to schlep to the office to see what the fuck. The worker said there was nothing wrong with my case. She released the food stamps. It was so hot out I felt like dying. I had only the energy to go to the dollar general and grab something for the day. I got carbs and ice cream. I passed out.
Today is Friday. It was 102 degrees out. I walked outside about noon and came right back in. I got my paycheck so I paid my phone bill and internet. I was planning on going to Santa Monica on Monday to talk to Justina face to face since she never called me back. People don't listen to their voicemails on their work phone anymore. I needed to work, and the agency needed my second reference. Justina was it. But they called me anyway today with a full time permanent job. It's a scan clerk at a law firm downtown. Perfect. $500 a week. My whole life just shifted that quick. I start Monday. So I got a brand new wig. The one I bought 2 weeks ago, I thought it was too big and bushy so I tried to thin it out and it looks crazy now. I should have left it alone. It is just a mess. I got foundation and powder, a new lipstick. I have to do laundry tomorrow. I unfortunately started my period in this heat. I feel terrible. But I have to get groceries for my lunches next week.
I sang praise to God all day. Thank you! I won't let you down! I will stay focused and stick to the plan. My first check I will get my diet program going. I will not look back. The AP crew is planning the Seattle trip for August 16 through 19th. I will be able to afford to go! I am so happy. I can see my mom! I can see my dad too! I can invest in all of my businesses and be independent by October 30th if I work hard and focus.
I was thinking I should book my own night at the skiptown that is for underground films. Kinglsee will never do them. There are so many amazing films that have followings. I have to branch out. I think I will call it Quirk Show. Kwerk Sho. I need to do it. With this job I will be able to get my car. I will be able to elevate my wardrobe. I will be able to go to Bananas once a month. I will be able to go out on the weekends. I am so happy. I feel vindicated.
Yesterday I had this image of myself like a kitten stuffed in a sack and thrown in a river to drown.
Today
Kitty is out of the bag.
RARWR
Friday, June 22, 2018
A funny thing...
I was on facebook just now and I saw a familiar name in the people you may know section. I clicked on the page and I did remember. When I first moved here, I lived with my friend in Hollywood. There was a swap meet behind our building. In there was a phone store, and I would pay my bill there. There was a husky Latino guy that worked there with big juicy lips. I thought he was super cute. I was brand new in town so I flirted sometimes. I hadn't met a soul at that point. Fast forward to a few months later, maybe a year. He had stopped working @ the phone store and I ran into him on a crowded bus. I can't remember what the conversation was but he tells me he's gay. Well, on his page just now it says he's in a relationship with a woman? A few things went through my head. He lied to me about being gay. Am I that hideous that he had to fake being gay? I never asked him to sleep with me, I never put my hands on him or sexually harassed him in any way. If anything I may have asked if he'd ever been to circus disco, and did he want to go sometime since I was new in town. He declined. Or he is gay but just using her as a beard. There was a pic of a girl about 5 and he had used it as his headder. You usually don't do that for a niece. I felt weird. Maybe he doesn't like black people. That made my stomach flip. I must be a hideous monster if he had to fake being gay.
Bizarre turn of events. I downloaded a video game on my phone that is on the low reflecting my true life circumstances. It's resonating with me right now because I am going through so much emotionally it's OVER PRONOUNCED. The game is episodes. In the game you pick your name and how you look. I look like my fantasy self. Gorgeous hair, and great body but brown skin. This particular game a foreign exchange student from Australia comes to stay from my family. I of course can design how he looks and what his name is. I make him brown, with dreads and gorgeous eyes. I name him Nabil. It's of course a high school drama. It's alot of drama. The bottom line is he and I are very attracted to each other, but rules say we can't become involved. My mom has warned me as well in the game.
Ok the kicker is this. In the game there are moments where you are given multiple answers to a situation. Usually the more exciting answer requires that you use your 'gems' to choose it. You get gems when you play the game. Each scene you go through I get one gem. But an answer can cost 20 gems. I found myself WANTING to be close with Nabil. He'd ask if I wanted to spend time alone. I wanted to but YES would be 20 gems, No I have homework to do is free. So because I don't have the money IRL to purchase more gems, he and I are not getting closer in the game. As the game goes on I find myself wanting him more and more. Now I am frustrated as hell. Because behind the scenes he admits that he's into me. He's dated other girls in the game, but left them cold because he was pining for me. It's getting to be a bit much. For like $20 I could get like 250 gems. But at this point in my life spending that for a video game is stupid and not to mention pathetic.
All of this is a metaphor for my ACTUAL life. Because I don't have money, I can't get close to the guy I want. Period. Like for instance Bananas has events every month. I can never go because I don't have $10 or a ride. There is a guy Kyle there that I think is really cute. I am pretty sure he's a complete fuck up. He's just cute. But other than that. Having money would be paramount to me being able to get close to 'Nabil'. The ideal. The fact I don't have enough 'gems' to be with him speaks volumes. It's really wringing me out. Because it's my dating life in a nutshell.
DAMN!
Bizarre turn of events. I downloaded a video game on my phone that is on the low reflecting my true life circumstances. It's resonating with me right now because I am going through so much emotionally it's OVER PRONOUNCED. The game is episodes. In the game you pick your name and how you look. I look like my fantasy self. Gorgeous hair, and great body but brown skin. This particular game a foreign exchange student from Australia comes to stay from my family. I of course can design how he looks and what his name is. I make him brown, with dreads and gorgeous eyes. I name him Nabil. It's of course a high school drama. It's alot of drama. The bottom line is he and I are very attracted to each other, but rules say we can't become involved. My mom has warned me as well in the game.
Ok the kicker is this. In the game there are moments where you are given multiple answers to a situation. Usually the more exciting answer requires that you use your 'gems' to choose it. You get gems when you play the game. Each scene you go through I get one gem. But an answer can cost 20 gems. I found myself WANTING to be close with Nabil. He'd ask if I wanted to spend time alone. I wanted to but YES would be 20 gems, No I have homework to do is free. So because I don't have the money IRL to purchase more gems, he and I are not getting closer in the game. As the game goes on I find myself wanting him more and more. Now I am frustrated as hell. Because behind the scenes he admits that he's into me. He's dated other girls in the game, but left them cold because he was pining for me. It's getting to be a bit much. For like $20 I could get like 250 gems. But at this point in my life spending that for a video game is stupid and not to mention pathetic.
All of this is a metaphor for my ACTUAL life. Because I don't have money, I can't get close to the guy I want. Period. Like for instance Bananas has events every month. I can never go because I don't have $10 or a ride. There is a guy Kyle there that I think is really cute. I am pretty sure he's a complete fuck up. He's just cute. But other than that. Having money would be paramount to me being able to get close to 'Nabil'. The ideal. The fact I don't have enough 'gems' to be with him speaks volumes. It's really wringing me out. Because it's my dating life in a nutshell.
DAMN!
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Stifled of course
So I was waiting and waiting for the big chunk of my taxes to arrive. $349. Waiting and waiting. That was supposed to pay my internet bill, pay my re sellers licence, and my diet program. These things are mad important. I can't run a website with no internet. I have to get this weight off so I have a better chance at being hired someplace. The re seller is so I can make money on my own. Honestly so I can just start building businesses on my own and stop begging for pennies. Stop worrying if I have the wrong shoes, or nail polish or if the person interviewing me doesn't like black people or people who are overweight. I need to be building my own brand. Creating and getting my shit out there. Being my authentic self.
I am so sick of this shit!
I CANT DO IT ANYMORE!
I lucked out and got on with a trade show company and I will be working 20 hours with them at $15 an hour for three days. I will be paid next week. So I can pay my internet and get the re seller licence. Then I will start selling. The money I make from there I will pay for my diet program.
I had enough money to get a loaf of bread. I have peanut butter and I have butter. I can take peanut butter sandwiches to work. All I have is lettuce and pickles and cup o noodles. I have salad dressing. I have a can of fruit cocktail. I wonder if I went across town to the food bank if I could just get 2 packs of meat and some noodles and sauce. That's all that was edible last time. I couldn't go till like Tuesday.
I am so sick of this shit!
I CANT DO IT ANYMORE!
I lucked out and got on with a trade show company and I will be working 20 hours with them at $15 an hour for three days. I will be paid next week. So I can pay my internet and get the re seller licence. Then I will start selling. The money I make from there I will pay for my diet program.
I had enough money to get a loaf of bread. I have peanut butter and I have butter. I can take peanut butter sandwiches to work. All I have is lettuce and pickles and cup o noodles. I have salad dressing. I have a can of fruit cocktail. I wonder if I went across town to the food bank if I could just get 2 packs of meat and some noodles and sauce. That's all that was edible last time. I couldn't go till like Tuesday.
Moving a little
I did my purple wig. It took 6 hours, and I made a bunch of mistakes, but for my first try it was okay. I wore it out and felt okay. It didn't look big and fluffy like the ones on youtube, but I will get there. I think I need to get rods like for perms to make the curls tighter. I want to make a grey one. I have some burgundy.
I got my food stamps and in 6 days I am down to $16. I have been hacking away at a denim jacket for a few days. I had to stop because I made a few mistakes. Then the bleach had made some rust marks I had to correct and let dry. I could finish today.
I had an interview at a wholesale company yesterday. I wanted to feel comfortable. I was having my period and was bloated. I hated my hair so short but it was the only normally colored wig I had. I wore my grey plain shirt and my olive green skirt and candies slip ons. I took my cream blazer with me but it was crazy hot out.
The position seemed cool. The lady asked how old I was. I tried not to tell her. But I gave her my birthday. I wondered if that was a mistake. We talked quite a bit. I kind of wanted it afterward. I'd be going on business trips and stuff. I've never done that before
I filed my taxes and of course I checked my account every day. I checked yesterday and some came in. A bubble burst. I could get my nails done. The past 6 months, I have had to get a whole new set because I couldn't find the time or money to get fills every other week. So I went and got a new set. I also got a new brown wig, this time longer and fuller so I can camouflage my face. These two things being new made me feel sort of whole. It's been a while since I had both.
Kingslee e mailed me a pass to SORRY TO BOTHER YOU for tonight. I was dying to see this movie! So I want to try and put a cute outfit together to wear. My regular even is Saturday so I want to finish an outfit for that one too.
I got my food stamps and in 6 days I am down to $16. I have been hacking away at a denim jacket for a few days. I had to stop because I made a few mistakes. Then the bleach had made some rust marks I had to correct and let dry. I could finish today.
I had an interview at a wholesale company yesterday. I wanted to feel comfortable. I was having my period and was bloated. I hated my hair so short but it was the only normally colored wig I had. I wore my grey plain shirt and my olive green skirt and candies slip ons. I took my cream blazer with me but it was crazy hot out.
The position seemed cool. The lady asked how old I was. I tried not to tell her. But I gave her my birthday. I wondered if that was a mistake. We talked quite a bit. I kind of wanted it afterward. I'd be going on business trips and stuff. I've never done that before
I filed my taxes and of course I checked my account every day. I checked yesterday and some came in. A bubble burst. I could get my nails done. The past 6 months, I have had to get a whole new set because I couldn't find the time or money to get fills every other week. So I went and got a new set. I also got a new brown wig, this time longer and fuller so I can camouflage my face. These two things being new made me feel sort of whole. It's been a while since I had both.
Kingslee e mailed me a pass to SORRY TO BOTHER YOU for tonight. I was dying to see this movie! So I want to try and put a cute outfit together to wear. My regular even is Saturday so I want to finish an outfit for that one too.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
The comedy of endurance
When I went across town to the food bank, I was the last one in. I was waiting for my food to be ready and a man started talking to me. We commiserated over being hungry and seeing commercials of fast food and not being able to do anything about it. How that's all you think about when you are hungry. I filled my rolly bag with the food, they gave me four baguettes, I felt fancy. I schleped the 5 blocks to the bus back to south central. I unpacked the bag.
4 baguettes
4 loaves of whole bread (you have to slice yourself)
broccoli rice (shredded broccoli)
garden salad
mixed fruit
can of garbanzos
can of corn
can of tomato soup
can of green beans
can of tomato sauce
lowfat milk (expired)
corn flakes
macaroni and cheese
tuna fish
egg noodles
yougart
apples
potatoes
eggs
a pack of drumsticks.
That's alot of stuff. I felt relieved a bit. Like I could get through to Monday. It was Tuesday. I noticed there were gnats looming over the bread, so I threw it all away. But I have been finding gaggles of gnats ever since. I left a dish in the sink and an hour later gnats everywhere. I don't know why they appeared. I've chased them room to room. I think I got them all.
I immediately cooked the drumsticks and egg noodles. I put the tomato sauce on the noodles, and put bbq sauce on the chicken legs. I ate that meal twice a day. Thursday I made macaroni and cheese. I opened the tuna and it was runny. I could barely strain the water off of it for the tuna was so weak. I dumped it out and just ate the macaroni. I ate that for 3 meals.
In the meanwhile the first alien wanted to come through. I said I wanted pizza because I was starving. He said ok on Wednesday. Thursday, there was nothing. He was doing odd jobs, and well into the evening he'd still be working. Now on Friday night still nothing. It makes me think. It's the era of no more broke. No more dudes who can't produce an $8 pizza.
No more dudes who can't make the shit happen.
I feel like I am wasting away. The hunger rarely subsides, even after I have eaten. My body seems like it's weak. All I think about is food. How I never ever want to be this hungry for this long again. All of this has to end.
I found ways to make money on my own, but I have to buy my way in of course. That will take more waiting. I have to file my taxes, and wait for them to come back. Then the buy in happens. There is a job fair on Wednesday of next week. I hate job fairs, but I am tired of searching on line for work. I just need to move forward toward my dreams. The real ones. Not the paying bills one. Fuck that shit.
Yesterday I had a serge of energy and cleaned out my closet and threw out a bunch of shit. I put away all the projects I wasn't doing. I swept the floors, and folded up everything. It was like fung shewei in this bitch. So light and airy. I felt brand new. My tiny dress form, I made a custom dress for it. I was like, I want a dress to wear like this! The next day (Friday) I broke out my sewing and worked on some new joggers. I plan to wear them on Sunday to my event. I want to crochet my purple wig too. Plus make a jacket. I'm full of ambition. I want to feel new when I go to Hollywood on Sunday. Look impossibly cute. Feel like the future is mine.
Feeling like a breakthrough is coming.
4 baguettes
4 loaves of whole bread (you have to slice yourself)
broccoli rice (shredded broccoli)
garden salad
mixed fruit
can of garbanzos
can of corn
can of tomato soup
can of green beans
can of tomato sauce
lowfat milk (expired)
corn flakes
macaroni and cheese
tuna fish
egg noodles
yougart
apples
potatoes
eggs
a pack of drumsticks.
That's alot of stuff. I felt relieved a bit. Like I could get through to Monday. It was Tuesday. I noticed there were gnats looming over the bread, so I threw it all away. But I have been finding gaggles of gnats ever since. I left a dish in the sink and an hour later gnats everywhere. I don't know why they appeared. I've chased them room to room. I think I got them all.
I immediately cooked the drumsticks and egg noodles. I put the tomato sauce on the noodles, and put bbq sauce on the chicken legs. I ate that meal twice a day. Thursday I made macaroni and cheese. I opened the tuna and it was runny. I could barely strain the water off of it for the tuna was so weak. I dumped it out and just ate the macaroni. I ate that for 3 meals.
In the meanwhile the first alien wanted to come through. I said I wanted pizza because I was starving. He said ok on Wednesday. Thursday, there was nothing. He was doing odd jobs, and well into the evening he'd still be working. Now on Friday night still nothing. It makes me think. It's the era of no more broke. No more dudes who can't produce an $8 pizza.
No more dudes who can't make the shit happen.
I feel like I am wasting away. The hunger rarely subsides, even after I have eaten. My body seems like it's weak. All I think about is food. How I never ever want to be this hungry for this long again. All of this has to end.
I found ways to make money on my own, but I have to buy my way in of course. That will take more waiting. I have to file my taxes, and wait for them to come back. Then the buy in happens. There is a job fair on Wednesday of next week. I hate job fairs, but I am tired of searching on line for work. I just need to move forward toward my dreams. The real ones. Not the paying bills one. Fuck that shit.
Yesterday I had a serge of energy and cleaned out my closet and threw out a bunch of shit. I put away all the projects I wasn't doing. I swept the floors, and folded up everything. It was like fung shewei in this bitch. So light and airy. I felt brand new. My tiny dress form, I made a custom dress for it. I was like, I want a dress to wear like this! The next day (Friday) I broke out my sewing and worked on some new joggers. I plan to wear them on Sunday to my event. I want to crochet my purple wig too. Plus make a jacket. I'm full of ambition. I want to feel new when I go to Hollywood on Sunday. Look impossibly cute. Feel like the future is mine.
Feeling like a breakthrough is coming.
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