I was on facebook just now and I saw a familiar name in the people you may know section. I clicked on the page and I did remember. When I first moved here, I lived with my friend in Hollywood. There was a swap meet behind our building. In there was a phone store, and I would pay my bill there. There was a husky Latino guy that worked there with big juicy lips. I thought he was super cute. I was brand new in town so I flirted sometimes. I hadn't met a soul at that point. Fast forward to a few months later, maybe a year. He had stopped working @ the phone store and I ran into him on a crowded bus. I can't remember what the conversation was but he tells me he's gay. Well, on his page just now it says he's in a relationship with a woman? A few things went through my head. He lied to me about being gay. Am I that hideous that he had to fake being gay? I never asked him to sleep with me, I never put my hands on him or sexually harassed him in any way. If anything I may have asked if he'd ever been to circus disco, and did he want to go sometime since I was new in town. He declined. Or he is gay but just using her as a beard. There was a pic of a girl about 5 and he had used it as his headder. You usually don't do that for a niece. I felt weird. Maybe he doesn't like black people. That made my stomach flip. I must be a hideous monster if he had to fake being gay.
Bizarre turn of events. I downloaded a video game on my phone that is on the low reflecting my true life circumstances. It's resonating with me right now because I am going through so much emotionally it's OVER PRONOUNCED. The game is episodes. In the game you pick your name and how you look. I look like my fantasy self. Gorgeous hair, and great body but brown skin. This particular game a foreign exchange student from Australia comes to stay from my family. I of course can design how he looks and what his name is. I make him brown, with dreads and gorgeous eyes. I name him Nabil. It's of course a high school drama. It's alot of drama. The bottom line is he and I are very attracted to each other, but rules say we can't become involved. My mom has warned me as well in the game.
Ok the kicker is this. In the game there are moments where you are given multiple answers to a situation. Usually the more exciting answer requires that you use your 'gems' to choose it. You get gems when you play the game. Each scene you go through I get one gem. But an answer can cost 20 gems. I found myself WANTING to be close with Nabil. He'd ask if I wanted to spend time alone. I wanted to but YES would be 20 gems, No I have homework to do is free. So because I don't have the money IRL to purchase more gems, he and I are not getting closer in the game. As the game goes on I find myself wanting him more and more. Now I am frustrated as hell. Because behind the scenes he admits that he's into me. He's dated other girls in the game, but left them cold because he was pining for me. It's getting to be a bit much. For like $20 I could get like 250 gems. But at this point in my life spending that for a video game is stupid and not to mention pathetic.
All of this is a metaphor for my ACTUAL life. Because I don't have money, I can't get close to the guy I want. Period. Like for instance Bananas has events every month. I can never go because I don't have $10 or a ride. There is a guy Kyle there that I think is really cute. I am pretty sure he's a complete fuck up. He's just cute. But other than that. Having money would be paramount to me being able to get close to 'Nabil'. The ideal. The fact I don't have enough 'gems' to be with him speaks volumes. It's really wringing me out. Because it's my dating life in a nutshell.
DAMN!
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