There comes a time when your expectations are so fucking low of someone you just can't even bring yourself to talk to them.
I stopped texting. If he texts it's one word answers.
One day he says 'Let's get a room today.'
My brain does this:
" Does this mutherfucker actually think I am going to have sex with him after all this bullshit?! "
"He is fine as hell..."
"The sex will be terrible, skip it."
"I am curious."
"He's not getting a damn room, loser. So I'll say ok, because it's not happening anyway."
So I say sure.
A couple hours later his 'budget has changed, because he has to buy supplies for a party he's doing.'
Told ya.
He offers a movie instead.
Fine.
I get there, and he only has enough money to pay for himself.
Strike one
No snack money
Strike two
He has to get popcorn for his mom to take home.
Strike three.
His mother is perfectly aware that she is intruding on OUR date. She is marking her territory. It made me sick to my stomach that he's such a mommas boy that he will bring her popcorn from the theater. I didn't get popcorn, but she did.
He can't see that there is anything wrong with this, that's the problem. That's how steeped in mommas boy culture he is. I was so grossed out when he got the popcorn when we were leaving I felt I would vomit.
Turned out we were parked not that far from eachother. He put the popcorn in the car then got in my car for a moment. We made out for a long time. We have never done that before in the 3 months I have known him. It's usually a few kisses on the lips then he's gone. We steamed the place up that night.
He text later commenting on how steamy things got.
I was surprised he even followed up about it. He said he would see me the following week sometime.
He did not.
Then this past Tuesday (his day off) he texts me a few moments before my lunchtime. He knows when I go to lunch. He asks if I have eaten yet. I tell him not yet.
I'm thinking he will say good because he's downstairs to take me to lunch.
Jokes on me.
He says 'Oh, I already ate my lunch.'
I tell him 'Thanks for the update.'
He says 'No problem :/' So he knows he fucked up or that I'm being sarcastic for some reason.
This little fucked up interaction is the straw that broke my back.
I can't keep on and on like this.
The good news is that I found an apartment and filled out the application. I am up early because my case manager is going to inspect it this morning and I am going with her. This place is near my job ( in south central proper ) and so cute and cosy. It has a huge closet for all my stuff, a real kitchen separate from the main room and a bathroom with a TUB! I haven't taken a bath in years. I took one once when Kev and I rented a room. But I haven't lived anywhere where I could take a bath. IT HAS AIR CONDITIONING! I couldn't believe it! I real fridge not a mini one. I am beyond excited. The landlord would take my subsidy. AND I HAVE ACCESS TO PARKING!
I feel like my life is about to begin.
This fool is not coming with me.
It's so funny how before I used to daydream about us at my place, in bed watching movies and making love. Cooking and having a drawer for his stuff. That is so retarded now I can't even....
He doesn't deserve space in my life.
He's emotionally stunted wether he wants to admit it or not. I don't have time for it. I deserve so much more. So much better. So much love and thoughtfulness. He has no concept of being thoughtful.
Like showing up on my birthday EMPTY HANDED!
I considered checking out then, but then thought am I being petty? We hadn't been seeing eachother that long. Just a month. But he does artwork for a living, and he knew I wanted a Prince t shirt...... I mean seriously. I love celebrating peoples birthday. I was (in my mental illness) thinking once my on line businesses paid; I'd buy tickets for his birthday to go to Hawaii to see my friends hotel. It would be about $4,000 for a three day weekend. But I was considering it if I had the money to do it.
Now I might not even text him happy birthday.
It sounds petty, but that's how 'left out there' I have felt this whole time. I sincerely doubt between now and the end of the month (when his birthday is) that anything will change for the better so I would even be in the picture. I'll let his girlfriend / Mother handle all of that.
I have officially left the building.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Sunday, May 14, 2017
When is now
There had been mention of us going to a movie. I was thinking 'time not at the shop finally.' So I was going to be cool.
We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.
He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.
Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot.
There was no movie.
There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?'
There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.
LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ANGRY!
NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!
The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.
Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.
I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself.
I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour.
During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.
On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.
That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater.
I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.
Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!
It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!!
I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together.
Anger is swelling.
He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.
I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in.
He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.
He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.
Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?
He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.
There is no guy downstairs.
It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.
If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.
But
Hugs me and says and I quote:
"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."
WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!
You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?
You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?
You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?
I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.
He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month.
He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.
When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused.
My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.
I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite.
"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation."
He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex.
I am not the one for that.
Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad.
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying.
It's like he's dead inside.
Or a robot.
I get angry when he talks about babies.
He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing.
But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??
RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.
I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.
My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long.
His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't.
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?
We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.
He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.
Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot.
There was no movie.
There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?'
There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.
LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ANGRY!
NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!
The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.
Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.
I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself.
I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour.
During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.
On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.
That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater.
I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.
Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!
It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!!
I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together.
Anger is swelling.
He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.
I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in.
He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.
He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.
Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?
He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.
There is no guy downstairs.
It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.
If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.
But
Hugs me and says and I quote:
"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."
WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!
You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?
You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?
You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?
I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.
He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month.
He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.
When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused.
My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.
I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite.
"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation."
He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex.
I am not the one for that.
Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad.
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying.
It's like he's dead inside.
Or a robot.
I get angry when he talks about babies.
He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing.
But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??
RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.
I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.
My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long.
His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't.
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?
Monday, April 24, 2017
Nail, Coffin
The weekend was approaching and the time to face the music was here. I wasn't going to go in hot. Just be matter of factly about things.
I ended up speaking to him on the phone about the whole instagram #, he had some slick excuse for it. How the hashtag was supposed to be a catch all meaning 'no big deal' in Japanese. But the # goes to this girls page.
I don't care that much so I dropped it.
He started talking about going to the movies and also shutting the shop to attend my event on Sunday. I was like 'what'. He was like, 'Yeah, that's something I need to do.' I was surprised. He's going to support my event? Hmmmm. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways?
But I will test him out, with some affection when I see him and see if he still pulls away or if he leans in.
I got to the shop. He had been telling me about this burger place up the street. I was hungry so I did a food run. It was a cute black owned place. But for lunch it was like $32. He had chicken alfredo fries, I had a turkey burger and a lemonade, and then we had two milkshakes. A little pricey.
We ate and then a couple of chain jerkers came by. I watched a movie on my computer and he sat down next to me. I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He makes a comment that I am petting him like a pet. Am I waiting for him to purrrrrrrr. I said no. It was like he couldn't understand why I was rubbing his back. He even made a joke that the customers that came by didn't buy because I was touching him. They were guys, but one had a girlfriend that he wanted to get a portrait of on his shirt. He seemed a little geeked so I wasn't betting he would come back.
But it just seemed like an offhanded joke about how me touching him wasn't a good thing.
Just one more nail in the coffin.
The alfredo gave him the itis, so then he started falling asleep. He went into the corner of the shop for a while and slept. Left me to manage the counter. No one came so no big deal.
When we left that day his mom was waiting to pick him up. He reiterated that he was coming to my event the next day. We went over the time. He gave me a polite kiss good bye.
Later that night I started having anxiety about him coming. That he would make a fool of me in front of my friends by not wanting to touch me. Or chatting up some younger thinner woman and making me look silly. It was a nightmare. He mentioned also that it was perfect that I had my event in Hollywood, because a friend of his band was playing later that night. Cool.
The next day he texted in the morning. But I was busy doing laundry and picking my outfit. My phone was acting up a bit, but I did text him the address and time. I didn't have power till I got to the theater. When my phone came back on there was no message.
We had a pretty full house, and a guy that I had been crushing on showed up, plus some other handsome men.
The film came and went and he never showed. We went to dinner later. My crush joined us and I sat with him. We had a great time at dinner, and I really was happy to see my crush. I didn't miss painter guy at all.
When I got in my car I checked my phone.
"SMH. Left early and took a nap when you sent this text."
Meaning the address and time.
But I text to ask if he made it to his friends show. He had.
So I wasn't really on the radar.
He has made himself abundantly clear.
I can't anymore.
The End.
I ended up speaking to him on the phone about the whole instagram #, he had some slick excuse for it. How the hashtag was supposed to be a catch all meaning 'no big deal' in Japanese. But the # goes to this girls page.
I don't care that much so I dropped it.
He started talking about going to the movies and also shutting the shop to attend my event on Sunday. I was like 'what'. He was like, 'Yeah, that's something I need to do.' I was surprised. He's going to support my event? Hmmmm. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways?
But I will test him out, with some affection when I see him and see if he still pulls away or if he leans in.
I got to the shop. He had been telling me about this burger place up the street. I was hungry so I did a food run. It was a cute black owned place. But for lunch it was like $32. He had chicken alfredo fries, I had a turkey burger and a lemonade, and then we had two milkshakes. A little pricey.
We ate and then a couple of chain jerkers came by. I watched a movie on my computer and he sat down next to me. I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He makes a comment that I am petting him like a pet. Am I waiting for him to purrrrrrrr. I said no. It was like he couldn't understand why I was rubbing his back. He even made a joke that the customers that came by didn't buy because I was touching him. They were guys, but one had a girlfriend that he wanted to get a portrait of on his shirt. He seemed a little geeked so I wasn't betting he would come back.
But it just seemed like an offhanded joke about how me touching him wasn't a good thing.
Just one more nail in the coffin.
The alfredo gave him the itis, so then he started falling asleep. He went into the corner of the shop for a while and slept. Left me to manage the counter. No one came so no big deal.
When we left that day his mom was waiting to pick him up. He reiterated that he was coming to my event the next day. We went over the time. He gave me a polite kiss good bye.
Later that night I started having anxiety about him coming. That he would make a fool of me in front of my friends by not wanting to touch me. Or chatting up some younger thinner woman and making me look silly. It was a nightmare. He mentioned also that it was perfect that I had my event in Hollywood, because a friend of his band was playing later that night. Cool.
The next day he texted in the morning. But I was busy doing laundry and picking my outfit. My phone was acting up a bit, but I did text him the address and time. I didn't have power till I got to the theater. When my phone came back on there was no message.
We had a pretty full house, and a guy that I had been crushing on showed up, plus some other handsome men.
The film came and went and he never showed. We went to dinner later. My crush joined us and I sat with him. We had a great time at dinner, and I really was happy to see my crush. I didn't miss painter guy at all.
When I got in my car I checked my phone.
"SMH. Left early and took a nap when you sent this text."
Meaning the address and time.
But I text to ask if he made it to his friends show. He had.
So I wasn't really on the radar.
He has made himself abundantly clear.
I can't anymore.
The End.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Dunnie dun dun
It's hard out in these streets for a woman to find a man.
You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.
You remain open to meet someone wonderful.
You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point.
There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?
So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'
I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit.
I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.
I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!
If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.
BULLSHIT.
Then he did some odd shit on top of it.
He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.
He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into.
But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?
Odd shit.
I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.
He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.
The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.
I get pecks like a family member.
One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."
It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.
He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers.
I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection.
I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally.
I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.
You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.
You remain open to meet someone wonderful.
You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point.
There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?
So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'
I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit.
I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.
I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!
If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.
BULLSHIT.
Then he did some odd shit on top of it.
He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.
He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into.
But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?
Odd shit.
I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.
He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.
The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.
I get pecks like a family member.
One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."
It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.
He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers.
I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection.
I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally.
I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
What am I doing?
I have been hanging with the painter for two months now. Still no sex. Which I am fine with. In my conscious mind, I am desperately attracted to him. When I am sleeping I have nightmares about the sex. That he will be like a zombie, that he won't be passionate, that he will get up right after; put his clothes on and walk out. That he will become mean and insulting afterward. That he will tell me to stop coming to the shop. I have these nightmares regularly.
No movies we both wanted to see have come out in the past couple of weeks. So we haven't been out on a date. Last weekend he wanted me at the shop both days. If I am there, it gives him more time to paint if I deal with the customers for him. He says having a woman there makes customers more comfortable. I flirt with him a little and the customers smile. But nowadays I feel that's all he wants me for. To be at the shop. About a month ago after a movie I was dropping him off to catch his train, and we made out quite passionately. We haven't since then, and I don't know why. The last time I was with him and we were saying good bye, he gave me multiple pecks, no tongue and then pulled away. I am getting tired of feeling like I have to beg for affection. If I come in the shop and there are no customers there, he will give me a kiss hello, which I like. But I am wanting some HEAT, and he's not bringing it. I'm feeling a little resentful.
Here he is wanting to have sex with me, but I have to beg for kisses? How is that fair? How am I supposed to think sex with him will be fullfilling under these circumstances.
I have a feeling he's one of these guys that thinks because he's well endowed that automatically makes him good in bed. Or because a woman screams in pain because he is hurting her, he's doing something. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for some hardcore disappointment. He told me a story about a 70 year old woman that was obsessed with him, and would come to his house and flash him. I wondered if he thinks of me as some pathetic, love starved old woman. Sometimes he seems like he isn't even attracted to me. Not really. He will make some lewd comment, or when he's squeezing past me in the shop stop and pretend to hump me from behind. But other than those expressions--there isn't anything sincere. Nothing that says 'I see you.' He's never paid me a compliment. Red flag. He doesn't have any pet names for me, no babe, sugar, honey, sweetheart....nothing.
But I am supposed to be on board with sex?
Tuesday is his day off. He of course has tons of errands to do, and sometimes work to catch up on. I can usually organize my work so when Tuesday rolls around I can dip early to go spend time with him. I let him know this since this past weekend we didn't see eachother. My brakes on my car were in terrible shape and I didn't feel safe making the 20 mile drive. Then Sunday was Easter, which is a family day. I get it. He mentioned that last week he had words with someone and it made him upset. He was 'on one' for a couple of days. Then I couldn't come to the shop the following weekend. I told him 'I hate letting you down, but I don't want to mess my car up.' He said he understood and don't worry about it. But he didn't want to talk to any customers. I felt conflicted. I wasn't about to spend two hours on a bus to go hang at the shop. He doesn't pay me to be there. It's not quality time for our relationship. So I stayed home and walked where I needed to go. Or took the bus around the neighborhood.
He asked about what time was I thinking of leaving work tomorrow. I said around 3. He said he'd see where he was around that time. I don't want to get my hopes up. But honestly there are no hopes to really get up.
I started feeling this is a test. Am I just going to do what I have always done, and settled for crumbs, and calling it a choice; then supplementing with other men. Am I going to ignore that he uses the word bitches regularly? Or that the N word is a fixture in is vocabulary. Does he get a pass on that because he's from Compton? Am I kidding myself that a guy from Compton will ever know how to love me? Is it a stereotype or a fact?
Sometimes I feel I have made a big mistake, and now how do I get out of it? Or am I exiting prematurely? I know what I want, and I am not confident that he had the skills or maturity to give it to me. He's a cool guy, but I want more than a cool guy. I want a relationship.
I want regular dates, romance, affection and attention. I want someone who expresses himself to me. Who makes a place in his life for me. Who sees me in his future. Not someone who sees me as just a means to and end. I don't feel like he wants to have a romantic relationship with me. But he doesn't know how to get out of it. He wants to have sex with me though. I imagine him telling me he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he just wants to smash. Because I'm some love starved old woman (he's referred to me as an older woman on many occasions) that I'll just agree to it.
SO FUCKED UP. No pun intended.
The Lisa Stansfield song 'Been Around the World.' pops up sometimes. Like I have been searching for this black man, but I still haven't found him. Not one who will treat me like the goddess and queen that I am. I found one who hates women, and uses them for his own selfish wants; and doesn't care about their wants, needs or feelings. When I hear that new J. Cole song 'Fold Clothes' it reminds me of him and how I wish we were. How far away we are from that.
NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL!!!
I make myself sick because when I see him, I get all swoony and giggly. He's just so dreeeeeaaaammmmy. Which for all I know he could be the troll under the bridge. It's almost a chemical reaction I have to him. When I leave him, I'm on a high. It's embarassing.
If he can't see me tomorrow.
I'll fall back.
I can't keep pretending I don't know what I know. I won't ignore my instincts. I won't pretend I don't have nightmares.
I have to be honest.
No movies we both wanted to see have come out in the past couple of weeks. So we haven't been out on a date. Last weekend he wanted me at the shop both days. If I am there, it gives him more time to paint if I deal with the customers for him. He says having a woman there makes customers more comfortable. I flirt with him a little and the customers smile. But nowadays I feel that's all he wants me for. To be at the shop. About a month ago after a movie I was dropping him off to catch his train, and we made out quite passionately. We haven't since then, and I don't know why. The last time I was with him and we were saying good bye, he gave me multiple pecks, no tongue and then pulled away. I am getting tired of feeling like I have to beg for affection. If I come in the shop and there are no customers there, he will give me a kiss hello, which I like. But I am wanting some HEAT, and he's not bringing it. I'm feeling a little resentful.
Here he is wanting to have sex with me, but I have to beg for kisses? How is that fair? How am I supposed to think sex with him will be fullfilling under these circumstances.
I have a feeling he's one of these guys that thinks because he's well endowed that automatically makes him good in bed. Or because a woman screams in pain because he is hurting her, he's doing something. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for some hardcore disappointment. He told me a story about a 70 year old woman that was obsessed with him, and would come to his house and flash him. I wondered if he thinks of me as some pathetic, love starved old woman. Sometimes he seems like he isn't even attracted to me. Not really. He will make some lewd comment, or when he's squeezing past me in the shop stop and pretend to hump me from behind. But other than those expressions--there isn't anything sincere. Nothing that says 'I see you.' He's never paid me a compliment. Red flag. He doesn't have any pet names for me, no babe, sugar, honey, sweetheart....nothing.
But I am supposed to be on board with sex?
Tuesday is his day off. He of course has tons of errands to do, and sometimes work to catch up on. I can usually organize my work so when Tuesday rolls around I can dip early to go spend time with him. I let him know this since this past weekend we didn't see eachother. My brakes on my car were in terrible shape and I didn't feel safe making the 20 mile drive. Then Sunday was Easter, which is a family day. I get it. He mentioned that last week he had words with someone and it made him upset. He was 'on one' for a couple of days. Then I couldn't come to the shop the following weekend. I told him 'I hate letting you down, but I don't want to mess my car up.' He said he understood and don't worry about it. But he didn't want to talk to any customers. I felt conflicted. I wasn't about to spend two hours on a bus to go hang at the shop. He doesn't pay me to be there. It's not quality time for our relationship. So I stayed home and walked where I needed to go. Or took the bus around the neighborhood.
He asked about what time was I thinking of leaving work tomorrow. I said around 3. He said he'd see where he was around that time. I don't want to get my hopes up. But honestly there are no hopes to really get up.
I started feeling this is a test. Am I just going to do what I have always done, and settled for crumbs, and calling it a choice; then supplementing with other men. Am I going to ignore that he uses the word bitches regularly? Or that the N word is a fixture in is vocabulary. Does he get a pass on that because he's from Compton? Am I kidding myself that a guy from Compton will ever know how to love me? Is it a stereotype or a fact?
Sometimes I feel I have made a big mistake, and now how do I get out of it? Or am I exiting prematurely? I know what I want, and I am not confident that he had the skills or maturity to give it to me. He's a cool guy, but I want more than a cool guy. I want a relationship.
I want regular dates, romance, affection and attention. I want someone who expresses himself to me. Who makes a place in his life for me. Who sees me in his future. Not someone who sees me as just a means to and end. I don't feel like he wants to have a romantic relationship with me. But he doesn't know how to get out of it. He wants to have sex with me though. I imagine him telling me he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he just wants to smash. Because I'm some love starved old woman (he's referred to me as an older woman on many occasions) that I'll just agree to it.
SO FUCKED UP. No pun intended.
The Lisa Stansfield song 'Been Around the World.' pops up sometimes. Like I have been searching for this black man, but I still haven't found him. Not one who will treat me like the goddess and queen that I am. I found one who hates women, and uses them for his own selfish wants; and doesn't care about their wants, needs or feelings. When I hear that new J. Cole song 'Fold Clothes' it reminds me of him and how I wish we were. How far away we are from that.
NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL!!!
I make myself sick because when I see him, I get all swoony and giggly. He's just so dreeeeeaaaammmmy. Which for all I know he could be the troll under the bridge. It's almost a chemical reaction I have to him. When I leave him, I'm on a high. It's embarassing.
If he can't see me tomorrow.
I'll fall back.
I can't keep pretending I don't know what I know. I won't ignore my instincts. I won't pretend I don't have nightmares.
I have to be honest.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Rape cultural conversation
Whilst we were killing time at his shop he asked if I'd seen an article on our shared site about a woman who had been raped but took selfies and posted them before calling the police.
I'd read all about this attention w*ore.
Now usually as a woman, when you hear about another woman being attacked or sexually assaulted, you automatically fly into defend mode and start screaming and yelling for justice and someones balls on a platter.
Usually.
You don't ever say it was how she was dressed, or how much she had to drink that caused it. A man needs to keep his hands and other appendages to himself.
However in this twisted case this woman was living abroad. A man in her building was consistently trying to get her attention. She didn't give it to him. He kept trying, she told him she had a boyfriend. Which was true.
One night her shower stopped working. So she goes to the pesky neighbor and asks to shower with him. He of course says yes. She kisses him on the mouth.
She is raped.
He and I sat talking about if the facts are the facts 'what did she think was going to happen.'?
Like I mentioned before it's not about clothes or alcohol. But I am a grown assed woman. And personally I get burnt out on other grown women who think we live in Utopia where nothing bad ever happens. Where they can walk down the street butt naked and no one will lay a finger on them. A world where they can get as drunk as they want and make out with as many men as they want, and then just excuse themselves and go home like nothing happened. I get annoyed with women who don't take precautions up front, or take responsibility for their choices.
If you are going to wear a dental floss dress and f me pumps out, be a big girl and be ready for all the attention even the negative that that may bring. If you don't know kung fu or crazy; then you may want to rethink your wardrobe choice. You know, for safety sake. I'm not saying DON'T wear it, just know what message you are sending when you do wear it.
Dave Chapelle had a great bit about this. He said imagine if he walked around dressed like a police officer. Then someone ran up to him that needed his help. Then he said "Oh no, I'm not a police office, I just dress this way because I like it." He was equating women dressing like prostitutes to this. He's point is crude, but you get the point.
I had too many questions about this woman's choices that night. Where was her boyfriend, and why couldn't she use his shower? Why ask the one man who has expressed interest in you to be naked in his presence. Not to shower alone, but to shower WITH him.
DANGER!
Even though he and I were on the exact same side of this here issue; it made me wonder about him and his ideas of consent. Some men think that once the act begins, all bets are off. Even if she says stop, she said yes so too bad for her for wanting to stop. This is how rape gets into the conversation. If I tell you to stop and you don't then my consent has been rescinded and now you are taking something I don't wish to give you. Many men don't care. There is the classic well endowed man, who when his new partner realizes how painful sex with him is, wants to stop; and he will not. These men then spin her allegation into 'she couldn't handle the d*ck'.
There is a mentality that goes along with this, and entitlement if you will that will not stand. Before becoming involved with someone sexually, you have to find out if they have this mentality. If they will listen to your requests. If they will respect your boundaries and concerns. Or if once they are aroused, their hearing suddenly goes. Or if they have had a lot to drink, they could be in a blackout while forcing themselves on you. This is why I made a point never to have sex with a man who has had too much to drink. Then he can play the 'I don't remember having sex with you' game the next day too.
Not the kid.
I watched the new film 'Edge of Seventeen' which was about an extremely socially awkward girl. ( I say asbergers ) Who has an extremely difficult time connecting with people. She is attractive, but really clueless. She has an obsessive crush on a guy who works at a pet store. She also likes an equally awkward guy at school. One night when suffering a breakdown she sends a text to petstore crush that is very sexually explicit, though every sweet saying that she feels close to him. He agrees to meet her and pick her up in his car. Now my heart sank because I thought this will not turn out well. Of course the guy thinks she is DTF, but she is hopelessly in love and wants to 'get to know him'. He is angry at this. All turned on with nowhere to put it. He was very cool about the whole thing. He could have forced himself on her, or at least kicked her out of his car in the middle of nowhere in a rage. The writers soft peddled the hell out of that scene. Made it not traumatic for her. But the reality is, most men when erect are not that cool. Period.
As women we have to learn not to say things we don't have any intention on following through with. Not to tease men either. Her school crush happened to be crazy rich and live in a mansion with a grotto. They were swimming and over by the waterfall she asks if he wants to have sex? He thinks this is it! Then she starts laughing at him. He is not amused. He turns on a song about what an asshole she is. They brush it off. But that could have also gone horribly wrong. He also in a rage could have kicked her out of his house for having teased him. This film did a shitty job of showing what can REALLY happen to you if you act like this.
As grown women, we have to wonder about that super cute guy we want to date. If he's a super perv. If he's addicted to porn. If he's a closet rapist. Or if he's totally normal. You don't know what you are getting these days there is just so much dysfunction.
In the meantime, how do I get to hold hands with him?
I'd read all about this attention w*ore.
Now usually as a woman, when you hear about another woman being attacked or sexually assaulted, you automatically fly into defend mode and start screaming and yelling for justice and someones balls on a platter.
Usually.
You don't ever say it was how she was dressed, or how much she had to drink that caused it. A man needs to keep his hands and other appendages to himself.
However in this twisted case this woman was living abroad. A man in her building was consistently trying to get her attention. She didn't give it to him. He kept trying, she told him she had a boyfriend. Which was true.
One night her shower stopped working. So she goes to the pesky neighbor and asks to shower with him. He of course says yes. She kisses him on the mouth.
She is raped.
He and I sat talking about if the facts are the facts 'what did she think was going to happen.'?
Like I mentioned before it's not about clothes or alcohol. But I am a grown assed woman. And personally I get burnt out on other grown women who think we live in Utopia where nothing bad ever happens. Where they can walk down the street butt naked and no one will lay a finger on them. A world where they can get as drunk as they want and make out with as many men as they want, and then just excuse themselves and go home like nothing happened. I get annoyed with women who don't take precautions up front, or take responsibility for their choices.
If you are going to wear a dental floss dress and f me pumps out, be a big girl and be ready for all the attention even the negative that that may bring. If you don't know kung fu or crazy; then you may want to rethink your wardrobe choice. You know, for safety sake. I'm not saying DON'T wear it, just know what message you are sending when you do wear it.
Dave Chapelle had a great bit about this. He said imagine if he walked around dressed like a police officer. Then someone ran up to him that needed his help. Then he said "Oh no, I'm not a police office, I just dress this way because I like it." He was equating women dressing like prostitutes to this. He's point is crude, but you get the point.
I had too many questions about this woman's choices that night. Where was her boyfriend, and why couldn't she use his shower? Why ask the one man who has expressed interest in you to be naked in his presence. Not to shower alone, but to shower WITH him.
DANGER!
Even though he and I were on the exact same side of this here issue; it made me wonder about him and his ideas of consent. Some men think that once the act begins, all bets are off. Even if she says stop, she said yes so too bad for her for wanting to stop. This is how rape gets into the conversation. If I tell you to stop and you don't then my consent has been rescinded and now you are taking something I don't wish to give you. Many men don't care. There is the classic well endowed man, who when his new partner realizes how painful sex with him is, wants to stop; and he will not. These men then spin her allegation into 'she couldn't handle the d*ck'.
There is a mentality that goes along with this, and entitlement if you will that will not stand. Before becoming involved with someone sexually, you have to find out if they have this mentality. If they will listen to your requests. If they will respect your boundaries and concerns. Or if once they are aroused, their hearing suddenly goes. Or if they have had a lot to drink, they could be in a blackout while forcing themselves on you. This is why I made a point never to have sex with a man who has had too much to drink. Then he can play the 'I don't remember having sex with you' game the next day too.
Not the kid.
I watched the new film 'Edge of Seventeen' which was about an extremely socially awkward girl. ( I say asbergers ) Who has an extremely difficult time connecting with people. She is attractive, but really clueless. She has an obsessive crush on a guy who works at a pet store. She also likes an equally awkward guy at school. One night when suffering a breakdown she sends a text to petstore crush that is very sexually explicit, though every sweet saying that she feels close to him. He agrees to meet her and pick her up in his car. Now my heart sank because I thought this will not turn out well. Of course the guy thinks she is DTF, but she is hopelessly in love and wants to 'get to know him'. He is angry at this. All turned on with nowhere to put it. He was very cool about the whole thing. He could have forced himself on her, or at least kicked her out of his car in the middle of nowhere in a rage. The writers soft peddled the hell out of that scene. Made it not traumatic for her. But the reality is, most men when erect are not that cool. Period.
As women we have to learn not to say things we don't have any intention on following through with. Not to tease men either. Her school crush happened to be crazy rich and live in a mansion with a grotto. They were swimming and over by the waterfall she asks if he wants to have sex? He thinks this is it! Then she starts laughing at him. He is not amused. He turns on a song about what an asshole she is. They brush it off. But that could have also gone horribly wrong. He also in a rage could have kicked her out of his house for having teased him. This film did a shitty job of showing what can REALLY happen to you if you act like this.
As grown women, we have to wonder about that super cute guy we want to date. If he's a super perv. If he's addicted to porn. If he's a closet rapist. Or if he's totally normal. You don't know what you are getting these days there is just so much dysfunction.
In the meantime, how do I get to hold hands with him?
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Weekend drop in
I got up early to go to the movies with a friend. Afterward I wound my way over to his job to visit him.
It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by.
He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand.
When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.
We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'.
I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile.
This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me. Then I will consider other things.
As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.
I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.
So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.
They sparkle you know.
You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel.
I call bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into.
Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.
We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them.
When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.
But I DO want him.
sigh.
It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by.
He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand.
When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.
We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'.
I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile.
This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me. Then I will consider other things.
As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.
I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.
So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.
They sparkle you know.
You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel.
I call bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into.
Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.
We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them.
When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.
But I DO want him.
sigh.
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