I have been hanging with the painter for two months now. Still no sex. Which I am fine with. In my conscious mind, I am desperately attracted to him. When I am sleeping I have nightmares about the sex. That he will be like a zombie, that he won't be passionate, that he will get up right after; put his clothes on and walk out. That he will become mean and insulting afterward. That he will tell me to stop coming to the shop. I have these nightmares regularly.
No movies we both wanted to see have come out in the past couple of weeks. So we haven't been out on a date. Last weekend he wanted me at the shop both days. If I am there, it gives him more time to paint if I deal with the customers for him. He says having a woman there makes customers more comfortable. I flirt with him a little and the customers smile. But nowadays I feel that's all he wants me for. To be at the shop. About a month ago after a movie I was dropping him off to catch his train, and we made out quite passionately. We haven't since then, and I don't know why. The last time I was with him and we were saying good bye, he gave me multiple pecks, no tongue and then pulled away. I am getting tired of feeling like I have to beg for affection. If I come in the shop and there are no customers there, he will give me a kiss hello, which I like. But I am wanting some HEAT, and he's not bringing it. I'm feeling a little resentful.
Here he is wanting to have sex with me, but I have to beg for kisses? How is that fair? How am I supposed to think sex with him will be fullfilling under these circumstances.
I have a feeling he's one of these guys that thinks because he's well endowed that automatically makes him good in bed. Or because a woman screams in pain because he is hurting her, he's doing something. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for some hardcore disappointment. He told me a story about a 70 year old woman that was obsessed with him, and would come to his house and flash him. I wondered if he thinks of me as some pathetic, love starved old woman. Sometimes he seems like he isn't even attracted to me. Not really. He will make some lewd comment, or when he's squeezing past me in the shop stop and pretend to hump me from behind. But other than those expressions--there isn't anything sincere. Nothing that says 'I see you.' He's never paid me a compliment. Red flag. He doesn't have any pet names for me, no babe, sugar, honey, sweetheart....nothing.
But I am supposed to be on board with sex?
Tuesday is his day off. He of course has tons of errands to do, and sometimes work to catch up on. I can usually organize my work so when Tuesday rolls around I can dip early to go spend time with him. I let him know this since this past weekend we didn't see eachother. My brakes on my car were in terrible shape and I didn't feel safe making the 20 mile drive. Then Sunday was Easter, which is a family day. I get it. He mentioned that last week he had words with someone and it made him upset. He was 'on one' for a couple of days. Then I couldn't come to the shop the following weekend. I told him 'I hate letting you down, but I don't want to mess my car up.' He said he understood and don't worry about it. But he didn't want to talk to any customers. I felt conflicted. I wasn't about to spend two hours on a bus to go hang at the shop. He doesn't pay me to be there. It's not quality time for our relationship. So I stayed home and walked where I needed to go. Or took the bus around the neighborhood.
He asked about what time was I thinking of leaving work tomorrow. I said around 3. He said he'd see where he was around that time. I don't want to get my hopes up. But honestly there are no hopes to really get up.
I started feeling this is a test. Am I just going to do what I have always done, and settled for crumbs, and calling it a choice; then supplementing with other men. Am I going to ignore that he uses the word bitches regularly? Or that the N word is a fixture in is vocabulary. Does he get a pass on that because he's from Compton? Am I kidding myself that a guy from Compton will ever know how to love me? Is it a stereotype or a fact?
Sometimes I feel I have made a big mistake, and now how do I get out of it? Or am I exiting prematurely? I know what I want, and I am not confident that he had the skills or maturity to give it to me. He's a cool guy, but I want more than a cool guy. I want a relationship.
I want regular dates, romance, affection and attention. I want someone who expresses himself to me. Who makes a place in his life for me. Who sees me in his future. Not someone who sees me as just a means to and end. I don't feel like he wants to have a romantic relationship with me. But he doesn't know how to get out of it. He wants to have sex with me though. I imagine him telling me he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he just wants to smash. Because I'm some love starved old woman (he's referred to me as an older woman on many occasions) that I'll just agree to it.
SO FUCKED UP. No pun intended.
The Lisa Stansfield song 'Been Around the World.' pops up sometimes. Like I have been searching for this black man, but I still haven't found him. Not one who will treat me like the goddess and queen that I am. I found one who hates women, and uses them for his own selfish wants; and doesn't care about their wants, needs or feelings. When I hear that new J. Cole song 'Fold Clothes' it reminds me of him and how I wish we were. How far away we are from that.
NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL!!!
I make myself sick because when I see him, I get all swoony and giggly. He's just so dreeeeeaaaammmmy. Which for all I know he could be the troll under the bridge. It's almost a chemical reaction I have to him. When I leave him, I'm on a high. It's embarassing.
If he can't see me tomorrow.
I'll fall back.
I can't keep pretending I don't know what I know. I won't ignore my instincts. I won't pretend I don't have nightmares.
I have to be honest.
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