Weekend drop in

I got up early to go to the movies with a friend. Afterward I wound my way over to his job to visit him.

It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by. 

He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand. 

When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.

We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'. 

I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile. 

This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me.  Then I will consider other things.

As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.

I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.


So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.

They sparkle you know.

You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel. 

I call bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into. 

Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.

We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them. 

When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.

But I DO want him.

sigh.