Dunnie dun dun

It's hard out in these streets for a woman to find a man.

You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.

You remain open to meet someone wonderful.

You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point. 

There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?

So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'

I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit. 

I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.

I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!

If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.

BULLSHIT.

Then he did some odd shit on top of it.

He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.

He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into. 

But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?

Odd shit.

I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.

He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.

The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.

I get pecks like a family member. 

One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."

It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.

He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers. 

I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection. 

I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally. 

I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.