Letting go for good.

I went to the hair battle and DJ Rico was there. There were a ton of hot men there. It was like heaven! I wanted to talk to so many of them but I didn't have a reason to. I need business cards to pass out. 

Rico was busy, he was spinning then running around furiously filming stuff. I guess he was mentoring a girl DJ whom I was slightly jealous of because she got to be under him all day. At one point he was running around the room filming and so I followed him. I was able to grab his shirt, he turned around and half hugged me. It was very anticlimactic. I didn't have the time to sit and talk with him that I hoped for. 
He kind of looked through me which I didn't quite know what to make of. I didn't expect him to jump up and now. I felt pretty good that day and wanted a distraction from R. I didn't quite get it. But there was so much eye candy I did have a good time.

A few days later R called. I wasn't going to answer. But it kept ringing and ringing I so picked up. Took about 30 seconds to say hello. He was acting like always. I was giving one word answers to his questions. I could tell he was sensing something was off. I was happy he picked up on it. He asked if I was mad at him or something. I told him I was FUCKING LIVID. He was like 'you can't be' I said I most definitely AM FUCKING LIVID. He asked why. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to get pissed all over again. He got quiet. Then says 'well when you want to talk call me.' I told him not to hold his breath.

I haven't called and it's been two weeks. It's been a process, getting him out of my system. Wiping away all traces if him. Backing out of everything I felt. Realizing I allowed myself to be taken in by a toxic male. How I am 100,000 light years away from some caveman like him who still runs away from women he has sex with. Who still has to humiliate and curve women who have ALLOWED him to be intimate with you. 
The actual sex was a joke. Three strokes and done. I was waiting for the make up rounds. Like he comes to spend the whole night and we go at it several times over the course of the night. Where he finally FUCKS ME PROPERLY! Or kisses me like a grown up. What the fuck was up with his kisses? What adult male kisses like that? His entire mouth covering your mouth and NO tongue. (honestly I think he is so OCD that he won't allow anyone's tongue in his mouth) (Kissing is my jam so the fact doesn't know how to is problematic. That's the was middle schoolers kiss, and you mean to tell me in all these decades no one has bothered to tell you different? Or they have and you ignore them? Either way it's clear the woman isn't important to you. I did love his body tho. I have to get over it. 

This whole situation has bought so much to the surface and it was the opposite experience of the one I thought I was having. LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE! It's not a great feeling that I have to erase him. It's a huge thing that I have to forget. I have gone through the stages of grief. I forced myself to. It's an ugly thing to think you have found someone to love and they stab you in the heart.

On the decline

It's just not making me happy. I am upset that it's like pulling teeth to get to spend time with him. I feel like a complete asshole spending money on him for his birthday. I was thinking about the cake and asked between chocolate and vanilla which did he like. He says ' I like like my cake like my women, vanilla.' He was trying to be jokey, but with how he's been avoiding me and not being available it's the last thing he needed to say to me. I told him to stop. He kept going and going and going and going. He says it's in his DNA to like them. He's 32% white. I am getting more and more annoyed. Then he got a ride request, and yep she happened to be white. So he had to say several times how he has to pick up his white girl. I was angry by the time we got off the phone. I will be making a chocolate cake if I make one at all just to drive my point home. He doesn't really deserve a cake anyway. Is he trying to act like an asshole on purpose because he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday? Because he doesn't want to think about getting older? Because he's not where he should be at 45? WHO IS?! He's acting a fucking fool. I asked when he is planning to stop by. Sometime in the next two weeks. His birthday is in two weeks. It's already been 2 weeks since I saw him last. 

I have decided to just tap out of this. He's made it abundantly clear that he used me. He had ZERO intention of having a relationship with me. OR dating me. He just wanted to smash because he was horny. He didn't think about my feelings at all, and he doesn't care about them now. He's actively avoiding me. I can't really put up with this behavior. He's really an asshole. Which is what I thought of him in the first place. Way back when. He's arrogant and belittling. Stay away from him. Keep him at arms length and don't even think about getting involved. Then he came after me. FOR NO REASON. Just to turn around and hide from me. I will give him his gifts. I will order a pizza, and buy a chocolate cake, and that will be that. I am done. I deserve better than this. I was trying to write him a letter about how much he means to me. I got a good skeleton going, and I was going to add more. But now, it's going to be downgraded to a dollar store happy birthday card, signed with my first and last name. I am finished with being treated like I DONT FUCKING MATTER!!!! I AM SICK OF IT!

IT HURTS SO BAD because I have never had a vibe like this one with anyone. I haven't felt intense attraction and like I could be in a relationship with someone in decades until now. So it hurts really bad that this isn't real. That he's so dysfunctional and immature that he can't treat me well. It hurts so bad because I thought I finally someone sees me. Finally I can open up my heart and love someone who gets me. I was WRONG! SO WRONG! Now I feel like I have to call the fire department to shut it all back down again. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP! I WANT LOVE! I WANT TO DATE! I WANT TO SNUGGLE! I WANT TO KISS! I WANT GREAT SEX! I WANT GOOD MORNING TEXTS! I WANT I MISS YOU! I WANT PRESENTS! I WANT HANGING OUT FOR NO REASON! I WANT A MAN THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO TO WANT TO BE WITH ME! I DONT WANT TO DATE INCELS TO GET ATTENTION! I don't know what to do about it. It feels like I won't be attracted to anyone ever again. Then how M treated me by saying he was coming over then ghosting me. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I am supposed to meet up with DJ Rico on sunday and I think it's just going to make things worse for me. He's close to perfect, so it will be one more thing I can't have. Plus he lives in Florida. He'[s just here for the show. I am going to have a good cry and get it all out.

Plans and love

I decided to go all out for R's birthday. I have picked out a bunch of gifts and I am going to make him a shirt too. Make dinner bake cupcakes and make a playlist.

I saved a bunch of songs on a list. I put good kisser on it because I knew we were both thinking it the last time we got together. I listened to it in my headphones at work to see how it flowed together. Some of the songs I didn't like so much. Then after I listened to the whole thing it hit me. I don't want songs that could remind him of an ex. A song he could have had sex with another woman to. I wanted to start over with NEW songs. Stuff that came out since he's been back in LA the past year or so, so there aren't any memories to it and old PRINCE. The first time we made love his first two albums were playing. It was so perfect and fitting. My first love escorting me into the arms of hopefully my last love. 

I wanted to find a jazzy hip hop track and do some sexy spoken word to him over it.

It would show that he means something to me.

I got a little upset because he was talking about some movie he watched and there was a white girl with an amazing ass and he kept going on and on and on about it. Just like the Stephanie Mills thing. This is a problem he has. I would never sit and verbally ogle another mans body to him. I respect him more than that. I wish he wouldn't do that. I feel like if I bring it up that it bothers me,  he will clown me about it. But he's been pretty good at listening to me when I express my feelings to him. Like I matter to him. He likes to joke and poke fun; but when it's time to be honest, he does listen. I realize that I have anxiety sometimes that if I say how I feel about something, he will blast me. Actually he's showing me how I back away sometimes and I shouldn't. Which makes me feel cared for. 

I wish I knew how he felt about me. If he spends as much time thinking about me as I do him. (doubt it) I just wish that I could really express my feelings loud and proud. I feel like I am gonna bust at the seams because of my emotions. I love feeling like I am in love. I just want it to be the realfuckingdeal. Not this crush I can't tell anyone about. Just the girl at work.

Love Rollercoaster

I feel raw all of the time. Like a teenager would. If he doesn't text I have to shake it off. So what if I don't hear from him everyday? I'm a fucking adult. Even if he was my fiance, I wouldn't have to hear from him every single day.

I feel like I am being eaten raw because every second seems to be him. I am always thinking about him. Either about the past or, the present or the future. Travelling with him. Learning languages with him. Building BLACKOUT with him. I wonder if the divine intelligence designed us to fit together. To find eachother. I thought of those cliches about how you are looking for the one and he's right in front of you. I laugh at myself. I hope and pray for his love. For his soul and our spirits to become one. I feel weak when I want him so much. I feel like who I used to be years ago, when I was always running behind some guy who liked that I liked him but didn't like me back. Then I would in turn do the same thing to guys who liked me that I didn't like. I vowed to stop the cycle and choose someone who would choose me. Who could see me. I love that I can be myself with R, and I don't have to change.

But I want to for me.

NOT so much as change; but like bring out all of who I am and the best of who I am. Get ALL of the weight off, get my skin, teeth and knee done and FLY. My wardrobe is the one of my dreams, and I am creating like magic. I imagine he sees me growing and blossoming and has to put a lock on me. He will see the love of his life. More importantly I will see the love of MY life. The woman I always dreamed of. I will move into an amazing condo and he will be there. We are buying furniture and art, we are having friends over for game night and dinner. He comes with me to see my family and they love him and see how we fit. 

I write all of these things down and my heart is racing and my eyes mist. I want to get to love him out loud, not in secret. I know I love him now. But I have to pace myself and also focus on myself and my (our) plans. Not lose momentum for any reason. If anything; R being in my life is like a becon of hope. Wether of not we end up for the long haul isn't the point, that he is here and showing me passion. Something that I never would have imagined makes me feel like ANYTHING can happen. MIRACLES are real. 

Getting a car is very important to my growth. I feel like I could hit the gym for three months while I am on my diet program to accelerate my weight loss. Also to get to the valley to get to dance classes. GO HARD AS FUCK to get my body responding deeply. My birthday is coming in two months, I want a significant change by then. I want to finally win. I want to get the guy. The RIGHT guy, not just the arm candy. The man who compliments my heart, spirit and soul as well as excites me to look at. 

This is the happiest I have ever been as an adult. I want to get to JOY and RAPTURE! I want to know how it feels to be in real love. To cultivate and grow it. To have the life I always dreamed about.

The Turn

The next day I had to meet with K to set up the years schedule. It would take hours. R would call and I would ignore him. He would leave a message "Ok porkchop". Then the second call no message. I was scared and angry. I was trying not to allow my emotions to devour me.

I had been trying to bring love to my consciousness. Not bury it or hide from it. I printed a poster for my room of a man and a woman kissing on a balcony. She is very curvy. I want that. I set up a pinterest list called true love. Filled with couples, weddings, jewelry, vacations and dessert. The picture of J by my bed is a wish. The night I met him he was a great surprise. We clicked and had a great time. I wished for him. But then R stepped up and in. I didn't want to be wrong about him. I didn't want to be the dumb woman who caved to the hot guy and is desperately hoping he picks her. I spent a ton of time praying not to mess this up. Praying that God shows him that I love him and was made for him. Praying to be free to love him out loud, and not in secret. I ached all over from worrying.

I took his calls again. It was like nothing happened. But I was still worrying he was going to avoid me. I asked when he was going to come through. He was still hemming and hawing. He was pissing me off. But I hid it. I ate his pie and put the sketch kit back in the closet. I was angry. We spoke everyday and laughed like we usually did. I asked if he was coming over and he said maybe Friday. Friday came and went. Nothing.

Livid.

I asked him about it the next day. Then I just said 'It's very important that I speak with you right away.' He pointed out that I never said that. He'd be over later that night. He'd shower and come over. My heart was racing. I wanted to be clear and not come across as angry or insecure. I expressed my thoughts, and told him he completely caught me off guard. But I wanted more. He explained to me what happened on his end. He realized he was attracted to me. VERY attracted to me. I blushed. He'd lay across my bed, and I would caress his skin. We'd hold hands and I would trace his body with my fingers. He would respond to my touch. I'd trace the rips in his jeans, the seams between his legs, the zipper. For about an hour, I was rubbing and caressing him and he was getting into it. I realized how much I wanted him. I was a little afraid of him rejecting me. But he was raging hard. I played with the button of his jeans till they opened, then the band of his boxers. Then I uncovered his gorgeous meat. I asked if I could kiss him. He said yes. Next thing I knew he was telling me I was a good kisser. Ushers song popped into my head and I know it did his too. It was so intense and glorious. I pleasured him for a really long time and he pleasured me with his hands. It was so intense I nearly came. Then next thing I knew he grabbed me and said he wanted to be inside me. We we making love so passionately I nearly fell off the bed. I was expressing all of my emotions to him and he was to me. I hadn't had sex like this in forever. I saw all my dreams coming true and R right by my side.

The only thing is that we didn't use protection, and now I feel like he will always want to not use it. The only time I have not used condoms is when I am in a monogamous relationship. I wondered if this was his way of saying that's what we are? That I am his? I kept all the fantasies in my head. Worried for a split second about pregnancy. Another split second about having his baby. Then the reality that I don't know his status. What will he say to me if I say we have to get tested together. How my doctor will look at me when I tell her I need to get back on birth control. I'm too old to get pregnant. But I still have to worry about it. My main worry is the side effects. Depo made me fat. I'm still dealing with that, and just got to the point where I can see losing the 100+ pounds I have gained over 20 years. I feel like the minute I get on it I have to hit the gym. I guess the next conversation will be about birth control. 

He gon learn

It's been two weeks or so since he was here and we had sex. The holidays hit and his mother came to town for a week. The week before he was working a ton to make money for her visit. I figured when she left things would resume. I asked him before the holiday to come by after, he agreed.

The day she got on the plane he was on the phone with me an hour laughing and shooting the breeze. I was tired so I laid with my eyes closed talking to him. The next day he called on his break, I was already home. I text him when I get home and within a hour my phone will ring. We stayed on the phone two hours. The next day I text him I was home, and he called while he was still on the road. Then it happened.

 He mentions that the day before he had to deliver something and he met Stephanie Mills. He gushed over her. He made it seem like she made eyes at him. He was gushing and gushing. He described what she was wearing in detail. He described how she looked good. Then he said she could get it. I playfully said he was going to get ms Stephanie busted in the back of her head. He said again how she lingered looking at him. It was like he was trying to get a rise out of me. He says again how she could get it. I said right after my funeral. He blurts out how he's not MY property. It was like a slap to the face. He says stuff about beating up Jay and having a talk with Kingslee about how I'm his. But when I do the same thing I get an outburst? I thought to myself, this is when he starts making excuses and acting like an ass. I felt myself shutting down. I started to get angry. He told me he would call me back. I said ok. I would take that moment to pay my cable bill on the phone. I was using the automated system and suddenly he was saying hello in the middle of me paying my bill. I said ' I didn't mean to call you' and clicked the hang up. I finished paying my bill and hung up. I few minutes later my phone rings and it's him. I pick up and he says 'I didn't mean to call you.' and hangs up in my face.  He calls back and laughs. We start talking again                                             
 I would ask him about when he was coming through. He would start hemming and hawing.  Talking about work. I reminded him how I said he could come over after work. Still he doesn't know. He makes a comment how I make it sound like a job requirement. I said if it feels like a job to spend time with me then take the day off. Then he says something like it sounds like he's being called to HR. I said if you feel like it's no fun then you should skip it. He says spending time with me is always fun. Alot of fun. So why all the excuses. I know why. He doesn't want anything else to happen between us physically, but  doesn't want to come right out and say it. My impulse at this point is to throw everything I wanted to give him in the trash. Next thing I know he's put me on hold. Then he comes back and says how his mother is on the other line and he has to talk to her. Mind you its after midnight here so it's well after 3 am, in Louisiana where she is. I doubt seriously she's on the phone at this hour. I don't want to argue. I hang up.                                  

SO I DECIDED

I am not investing any more time trying to love him. I prayed the whole two weeks for things to be great between us and for us to start something special. But now I know this isn't going to happen. He used me. Now he's going to avoid me. He's going to keep calling me and keep me hanging on the phone, but he's not going to spend time with me because he doesn't want to be romantic or start a relationship. I don't want to be this person who fills his life while he empties out mine. I can't seem to find a man who will GIVE ME WHAT I WANT. He and I are great together. In synch. But he's going to be the same emotionally unavailable prick I can't seem to avoid.

So no more texts. I am not accepting his phone calls anymore. Not until he can get honest about his feelings for me. He calls me constantly. He hangs on the phone for hours, but he doesn't have feelings for me? It's called sending mixed messages. I am done with it. No more. I have to get  used to life without him.                                                             

No Crisis crisis

Of course the day I decide to not text he calls me. He says "I'm gonna stop fucking with you." Of course my heart sank. I asked what he meant. He says 'You didn't wake me up this morning.' Oh that. Things are like they always were. He calls while he's working. But last night I said 'ok boo' and he said 'no boo, thanks'. So I said Ok Nobu. So now I will call him Nobu. He's acting like I can't be flirty and affectionate toward him. We will have to discuss that. 

Anyhoo back to me.

I went to the doctor yesterday and got on the scale.

296 lbs.

my heart is broken. 4 more pounds and I will weigh 300lbs!

How did this happen????

Before I moved into my apartment I was 276. Now I have gained 20lbs. It was being depressed and eating tons of ice cream and pizza. Pizza rolls and wings. Doing what is easy rather than what is right. I think a car would keep me on the right track. 

I am devastated. I was depressed for the rest of the day. I just started my TLC diet a week ago.  This tells me I haven't lost a single pound.  But I haven't changed my eating. I have had a 6 inch sub, chips and cookies every day last week. I ate some chocolates. I had a couple donuts. I have to drastically change how I eat if I want this weight to come off. I thought I would  be one of those  20lbs a month  women.  But not having lost a pound is not a good start. I want  to  lose  146lbs. If I only did 5 lbs a month it would take me over 2 years to lose the weight. Could  I be satisfied at 200? Probably. 

I have to find a strategy that works.  I can't keep failing. I want a relationship.