The Turn

The next day I had to meet with K to set up the years schedule. It would take hours. R would call and I would ignore him. He would leave a message "Ok porkchop". Then the second call no message. I was scared and angry. I was trying not to allow my emotions to devour me.

I had been trying to bring love to my consciousness. Not bury it or hide from it. I printed a poster for my room of a man and a woman kissing on a balcony. She is very curvy. I want that. I set up a pinterest list called true love. Filled with couples, weddings, jewelry, vacations and dessert. The picture of J by my bed is a wish. The night I met him he was a great surprise. We clicked and had a great time. I wished for him. But then R stepped up and in. I didn't want to be wrong about him. I didn't want to be the dumb woman who caved to the hot guy and is desperately hoping he picks her. I spent a ton of time praying not to mess this up. Praying that God shows him that I love him and was made for him. Praying to be free to love him out loud, and not in secret. I ached all over from worrying.

I took his calls again. It was like nothing happened. But I was still worrying he was going to avoid me. I asked when he was going to come through. He was still hemming and hawing. He was pissing me off. But I hid it. I ate his pie and put the sketch kit back in the closet. I was angry. We spoke everyday and laughed like we usually did. I asked if he was coming over and he said maybe Friday. Friday came and went. Nothing.

Livid.

I asked him about it the next day. Then I just said 'It's very important that I speak with you right away.' He pointed out that I never said that. He'd be over later that night. He'd shower and come over. My heart was racing. I wanted to be clear and not come across as angry or insecure. I expressed my thoughts, and told him he completely caught me off guard. But I wanted more. He explained to me what happened on his end. He realized he was attracted to me. VERY attracted to me. I blushed. He'd lay across my bed, and I would caress his skin. We'd hold hands and I would trace his body with my fingers. He would respond to my touch. I'd trace the rips in his jeans, the seams between his legs, the zipper. For about an hour, I was rubbing and caressing him and he was getting into it. I realized how much I wanted him. I was a little afraid of him rejecting me. But he was raging hard. I played with the button of his jeans till they opened, then the band of his boxers. Then I uncovered his gorgeous meat. I asked if I could kiss him. He said yes. Next thing I knew he was telling me I was a good kisser. Ushers song popped into my head and I know it did his too. It was so intense and glorious. I pleasured him for a really long time and he pleasured me with his hands. It was so intense I nearly came. Then next thing I knew he grabbed me and said he wanted to be inside me. We we making love so passionately I nearly fell off the bed. I was expressing all of my emotions to him and he was to me. I hadn't had sex like this in forever. I saw all my dreams coming true and R right by my side.

The only thing is that we didn't use protection, and now I feel like he will always want to not use it. The only time I have not used condoms is when I am in a monogamous relationship. I wondered if this was his way of saying that's what we are? That I am his? I kept all the fantasies in my head. Worried for a split second about pregnancy. Another split second about having his baby. Then the reality that I don't know his status. What will he say to me if I say we have to get tested together. How my doctor will look at me when I tell her I need to get back on birth control. I'm too old to get pregnant. But I still have to worry about it. My main worry is the side effects. Depo made me fat. I'm still dealing with that, and just got to the point where I can see losing the 100+ pounds I have gained over 20 years. I feel like the minute I get on it I have to hit the gym. I guess the next conversation will be about birth control.