On the decline

It's just not making me happy. I am upset that it's like pulling teeth to get to spend time with him. I feel like a complete asshole spending money on him for his birthday. I was thinking about the cake and asked between chocolate and vanilla which did he like. He says ' I like like my cake like my women, vanilla.' He was trying to be jokey, but with how he's been avoiding me and not being available it's the last thing he needed to say to me. I told him to stop. He kept going and going and going and going. He says it's in his DNA to like them. He's 32% white. I am getting more and more annoyed. Then he got a ride request, and yep she happened to be white. So he had to say several times how he has to pick up his white girl. I was angry by the time we got off the phone. I will be making a chocolate cake if I make one at all just to drive my point home. He doesn't really deserve a cake anyway. Is he trying to act like an asshole on purpose because he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday? Because he doesn't want to think about getting older? Because he's not where he should be at 45? WHO IS?! He's acting a fucking fool. I asked when he is planning to stop by. Sometime in the next two weeks. His birthday is in two weeks. It's already been 2 weeks since I saw him last. 

I have decided to just tap out of this. He's made it abundantly clear that he used me. He had ZERO intention of having a relationship with me. OR dating me. He just wanted to smash because he was horny. He didn't think about my feelings at all, and he doesn't care about them now. He's actively avoiding me. I can't really put up with this behavior. He's really an asshole. Which is what I thought of him in the first place. Way back when. He's arrogant and belittling. Stay away from him. Keep him at arms length and don't even think about getting involved. Then he came after me. FOR NO REASON. Just to turn around and hide from me. I will give him his gifts. I will order a pizza, and buy a chocolate cake, and that will be that. I am done. I deserve better than this. I was trying to write him a letter about how much he means to me. I got a good skeleton going, and I was going to add more. But now, it's going to be downgraded to a dollar store happy birthday card, signed with my first and last name. I am finished with being treated like I DONT FUCKING MATTER!!!! I AM SICK OF IT!

IT HURTS SO BAD because I have never had a vibe like this one with anyone. I haven't felt intense attraction and like I could be in a relationship with someone in decades until now. So it hurts really bad that this isn't real. That he's so dysfunctional and immature that he can't treat me well. It hurts so bad because I thought I finally someone sees me. Finally I can open up my heart and love someone who gets me. I was WRONG! SO WRONG! Now I feel like I have to call the fire department to shut it all back down again. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP! I WANT LOVE! I WANT TO DATE! I WANT TO SNUGGLE! I WANT TO KISS! I WANT GREAT SEX! I WANT GOOD MORNING TEXTS! I WANT I MISS YOU! I WANT PRESENTS! I WANT HANGING OUT FOR NO REASON! I WANT A MAN THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO TO WANT TO BE WITH ME! I DONT WANT TO DATE INCELS TO GET ATTENTION! I don't know what to do about it. It feels like I won't be attracted to anyone ever again. Then how M treated me by saying he was coming over then ghosting me. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I am supposed to meet up with DJ Rico on sunday and I think it's just going to make things worse for me. He's close to perfect, so it will be one more thing I can't have. Plus he lives in Florida. He'[s just here for the show. I am going to have a good cry and get it all out.