Plans and love

I decided to go all out for R's birthday. I have picked out a bunch of gifts and I am going to make him a shirt too. Make dinner bake cupcakes and make a playlist.

I saved a bunch of songs on a list. I put good kisser on it because I knew we were both thinking it the last time we got together. I listened to it in my headphones at work to see how it flowed together. Some of the songs I didn't like so much. Then after I listened to the whole thing it hit me. I don't want songs that could remind him of an ex. A song he could have had sex with another woman to. I wanted to start over with NEW songs. Stuff that came out since he's been back in LA the past year or so, so there aren't any memories to it and old PRINCE. The first time we made love his first two albums were playing. It was so perfect and fitting. My first love escorting me into the arms of hopefully my last love. 

I wanted to find a jazzy hip hop track and do some sexy spoken word to him over it.

It would show that he means something to me.

I got a little upset because he was talking about some movie he watched and there was a white girl with an amazing ass and he kept going on and on and on about it. Just like the Stephanie Mills thing. This is a problem he has. I would never sit and verbally ogle another mans body to him. I respect him more than that. I wish he wouldn't do that. I feel like if I bring it up that it bothers me,  he will clown me about it. But he's been pretty good at listening to me when I express my feelings to him. Like I matter to him. He likes to joke and poke fun; but when it's time to be honest, he does listen. I realize that I have anxiety sometimes that if I say how I feel about something, he will blast me. Actually he's showing me how I back away sometimes and I shouldn't. Which makes me feel cared for. 

I wish I knew how he felt about me. If he spends as much time thinking about me as I do him. (doubt it) I just wish that I could really express my feelings loud and proud. I feel like I am gonna bust at the seams because of my emotions. I love feeling like I am in love. I just want it to be the realfuckingdeal. Not this crush I can't tell anyone about. Just the girl at work.