Love Rollercoaster

I feel raw all of the time. Like a teenager would. If he doesn't text I have to shake it off. So what if I don't hear from him everyday? I'm a fucking adult. Even if he was my fiance, I wouldn't have to hear from him every single day.

I feel like I am being eaten raw because every second seems to be him. I am always thinking about him. Either about the past or, the present or the future. Travelling with him. Learning languages with him. Building BLACKOUT with him. I wonder if the divine intelligence designed us to fit together. To find eachother. I thought of those cliches about how you are looking for the one and he's right in front of you. I laugh at myself. I hope and pray for his love. For his soul and our spirits to become one. I feel weak when I want him so much. I feel like who I used to be years ago, when I was always running behind some guy who liked that I liked him but didn't like me back. Then I would in turn do the same thing to guys who liked me that I didn't like. I vowed to stop the cycle and choose someone who would choose me. Who could see me. I love that I can be myself with R, and I don't have to change.

But I want to for me.

NOT so much as change; but like bring out all of who I am and the best of who I am. Get ALL of the weight off, get my skin, teeth and knee done and FLY. My wardrobe is the one of my dreams, and I am creating like magic. I imagine he sees me growing and blossoming and has to put a lock on me. He will see the love of his life. More importantly I will see the love of MY life. The woman I always dreamed of. I will move into an amazing condo and he will be there. We are buying furniture and art, we are having friends over for game night and dinner. He comes with me to see my family and they love him and see how we fit. 

I write all of these things down and my heart is racing and my eyes mist. I want to get to love him out loud, not in secret. I know I love him now. But I have to pace myself and also focus on myself and my (our) plans. Not lose momentum for any reason. If anything; R being in my life is like a becon of hope. Wether of not we end up for the long haul isn't the point, that he is here and showing me passion. Something that I never would have imagined makes me feel like ANYTHING can happen. MIRACLES are real. 

Getting a car is very important to my growth. I feel like I could hit the gym for three months while I am on my diet program to accelerate my weight loss. Also to get to the valley to get to dance classes. GO HARD AS FUCK to get my body responding deeply. My birthday is coming in two months, I want a significant change by then. I want to finally win. I want to get the guy. The RIGHT guy, not just the arm candy. The man who compliments my heart, spirit and soul as well as excites me to look at. 

This is the happiest I have ever been as an adult. I want to get to JOY and RAPTURE! I want to know how it feels to be in real love. To cultivate and grow it. To have the life I always dreamed about.