https://zodiacfire.com/zodiac-signs-still-single/
So I run across this funny little page and read it. I suppose I am single because I can't hide when I like someone. I am giddy.
So let me get this straight, being happy to see someone= bad.
Feeling cheery around someone=bad
Feeling swoony about a hot guy=bad
Feeling super attracted to someone and not wanting to hide it because you want something to happen= bad
Lighting up when he enters a room= bad
Celebrating him= bad
I know it's sort of a jokey site, but it isn't like I haven't been shut down because of my clear enthusiasm about someone. When you are young you make all the classic mistakes. You are too available, and you are always hanging around. You can't help yourself because he's so dreamy. But no guy I have ever thought was dreamy ever responded with 'Let's date'.
As I got older I guess I would settle for a roll in the hay before he exited stage left, so I could at least get something from him. This is all I could ever really hope for. Sometimes that was even too much. There are guys to this day that I haven't even kissed and felt that I was madly in love with. They were always looking for someone who wasn't me. I got bitter.
But now I read this and think how backward society is. That having positive feelings about someone is a deal breaker. People run away from affection. People shun attraction. It's kind of sick.
It makes me sad.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Monday, October 9, 2017
Bizarre events out of my system
I had been confused on some level about my attraction to the painter with Asperger's. What did it mean that I was so drawn to this man? That when I looked at him I was overwhelmed with attraction?
Since I the car was taken from me my visits to see him at his shop stopped. We talked about him coming over to visit, but I didn't press the issue as being alone with him worried me. He was obsessed with having a kid, so I wasn't that jazzed on sleeping with him. He also didn't strike me as the type of guy that would be that concerned about a woman's pleasure. I imagined it would be like sleeping with a high schooler all over again.
Then it happened.
I had a sex dream about him. It was erotic and overwhelming. I'd never experienced anything like that. I was pretty sure that I'd had an intense orgasm and probably moaned loudly in my sleep. I had to take a cold shower when I woke up. I couldn't shake the feelings all day.
We text pretty regularly so I mentioned I had a dream about him that was sexual in nature. He thought that was cool. Next I knew I was inviting him over for a playdate saturday night. I asked him to bring cupcakes.
I thought that he'd come over and we'd catch up on shows that we'd talked about. We'd cuddle and kiss but maybe sex wouldn't be on the table. It's been almost two months since I saw him. I was hoping we would get reconnected again. I was looking forward to seeing him. Feeling that excitement again when I am near him. It's really sort of a high to feel that way around someone. I missed it. I was excited. I let him know if he wanted to stay over it was cool.
Saturday came and I got more and more excited. He works weekends so I knew when he was about to leave the shop. He had a last minute client so he was running late. I put on my dark purple nightie nothing underneath. When I opened the door he immediately asked what I had on underneath. I asked him what he thought. Next I knew I was being grabbed from every direction. I told him to slow down. He asked why I called him to come over. I told him hopefully to chill and reconnect. He's on me like a fever. Kissing me and pulling at my gown. His shorts are coming down and he's telling me to touch him. I told him again to slow down, and that I needed foreplay. In seconds he was naked and laying me on my bed. He put on a condom and was touching me between my legs. He said I was ready. I wasn't sure I was. I know emotionally I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
He's pretty well endowed so I was prepared for the pain and struggle. I didn't expect any gentleness from him. But he was patient, and it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Once things got going it was a lot like my dream. The way he talked, the way his body looked. But he seemed like he was in a rush. Is an uber waiting downstairs or something? Geez. Then I remembered him telling me when he has sex it's one and done. He asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told the truth. No. He seemed disappointed.
We cleaned up and laid in bed watching episodes of ATL and snuggling. This is what I wanted all along. He stayed a few hours then he left. The next day when he text, he said next time he'd be more thorough. I thought it was nice of him to say. But I also wondered if I'd see him again. I was ok if I didn't. I think I was more curious than anything what sex with him would be like. He'd been a fantasy of mine for so long I needed to get it out of my system. I always imagined that he would be one of these guys that didn't really learn much about women or how to please them. That he'd sleep with a bunch of girls who didn't know anything about themselves anyway so they would just lay there and pretend he was doing something special just so he would like them. It would usually backfire because he'd move on immediately leaving them exposed and confused.
I'm quite self aware, so mediocre doesn't cut it for me. I don't have sex that often because I don't make intimate connections with men that make me want to. The painter was the closest thing for quite a while. I still feel like I am selling myself short. But I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. I don't know what will happen next.
Since I the car was taken from me my visits to see him at his shop stopped. We talked about him coming over to visit, but I didn't press the issue as being alone with him worried me. He was obsessed with having a kid, so I wasn't that jazzed on sleeping with him. He also didn't strike me as the type of guy that would be that concerned about a woman's pleasure. I imagined it would be like sleeping with a high schooler all over again.
Then it happened.
I had a sex dream about him. It was erotic and overwhelming. I'd never experienced anything like that. I was pretty sure that I'd had an intense orgasm and probably moaned loudly in my sleep. I had to take a cold shower when I woke up. I couldn't shake the feelings all day.
We text pretty regularly so I mentioned I had a dream about him that was sexual in nature. He thought that was cool. Next I knew I was inviting him over for a playdate saturday night. I asked him to bring cupcakes.
I thought that he'd come over and we'd catch up on shows that we'd talked about. We'd cuddle and kiss but maybe sex wouldn't be on the table. It's been almost two months since I saw him. I was hoping we would get reconnected again. I was looking forward to seeing him. Feeling that excitement again when I am near him. It's really sort of a high to feel that way around someone. I missed it. I was excited. I let him know if he wanted to stay over it was cool.
Saturday came and I got more and more excited. He works weekends so I knew when he was about to leave the shop. He had a last minute client so he was running late. I put on my dark purple nightie nothing underneath. When I opened the door he immediately asked what I had on underneath. I asked him what he thought. Next I knew I was being grabbed from every direction. I told him to slow down. He asked why I called him to come over. I told him hopefully to chill and reconnect. He's on me like a fever. Kissing me and pulling at my gown. His shorts are coming down and he's telling me to touch him. I told him again to slow down, and that I needed foreplay. In seconds he was naked and laying me on my bed. He put on a condom and was touching me between my legs. He said I was ready. I wasn't sure I was. I know emotionally I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
He's pretty well endowed so I was prepared for the pain and struggle. I didn't expect any gentleness from him. But he was patient, and it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Once things got going it was a lot like my dream. The way he talked, the way his body looked. But he seemed like he was in a rush. Is an uber waiting downstairs or something? Geez. Then I remembered him telling me when he has sex it's one and done. He asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told the truth. No. He seemed disappointed.
We cleaned up and laid in bed watching episodes of ATL and snuggling. This is what I wanted all along. He stayed a few hours then he left. The next day when he text, he said next time he'd be more thorough. I thought it was nice of him to say. But I also wondered if I'd see him again. I was ok if I didn't. I think I was more curious than anything what sex with him would be like. He'd been a fantasy of mine for so long I needed to get it out of my system. I always imagined that he would be one of these guys that didn't really learn much about women or how to please them. That he'd sleep with a bunch of girls who didn't know anything about themselves anyway so they would just lay there and pretend he was doing something special just so he would like them. It would usually backfire because he'd move on immediately leaving them exposed and confused.
I'm quite self aware, so mediocre doesn't cut it for me. I don't have sex that often because I don't make intimate connections with men that make me want to. The painter was the closest thing for quite a while. I still feel like I am selling myself short. But I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. I don't know what will happen next.
Friday, June 23, 2017
RED FLAGS ARE MY LIFE
I have watched my fill of catfish.
I wonder how in the 2017 are people still managing to get catfished and get away with catfishing?
It's always amusing to watch and make bets who's on the other end lying their ass off.
I am always amazed how people who HAVE NEVER MET are saying they love eachother, and want to get married. Most times haven't spoken on the phone, or sometimes they have and the person most definately isn't who they claim to be.
Usually the person steals photos of someone really attractive. Usually a model, and pretends to be them. They start contacting people pretending to be this person.
Like I said, how can you not smell this cooking.
So after my disaster with the dead inside painter, I got back on line.
I saw this man who made me stop in my tracks. Very stylish and handsome. The kind of man that would never speak to me.
But he did.
I was kind of shocked.
We started talking. He seemed nice.
He gave lots of compliments, which I was missing since being with DIP for the last four months. I lapped them up.
He said on his profile that he didn't want kids, so I thought cool! But turned out he made the wrong choice he actually does want kids. I told him I was too old for pregnancy. He said he'd adopt. He wanted a girl. Men never want a daughter. This was refreshing.
He owned his own business and has a design eye which is something I always craved in a man.
About 3 days in or so he starts saying he wants to get married in a year. That I am his dream woman. He starts saying he loves me.
RED FLAG!
Pump the breaks.
I'm not saying it to someone I have never laid eyes on and do not know.
But it was nice to hear. I let it ride. I didn't discourage it. I would just remind him we have to meet and spend time together.
He says things like he just wants me to be happy.
He will help me pay bills
When we get married I don't have to work.
All great to hear. But it's all talk.
He tells me he's planning a trip to Canada for a week for business.
Cool.
He asks if I want to go.
RED FLAG.
Who invites a stranger on a business trip? It made me feel icky sort of.
Imagine being in a foreign country, and some completely different person shows up at the airport to kidnap me.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I said no.
Maybe once we've been DIRL. (dating in real life)
But for now no.
I noticed a pattern every evening. We would talk mostly during the work day. But at 5pm he would usually go silent.
I'd text and not get an answer till after 10 or till the middle of the night.
This went on the entire week.
Till Thursday evening.
He asks if he can trust me with his property, business and finances.
What kind of question is this to ask a stranger?
Um, sure?
He drops a bomb on me.
" I'm going out of town but I don't want anyone to know I am not in town. People owe me money. I told them that you would be handling my affairs. I told them you were my wife, so don't be surprised if they call you Mrs. Do__________. I need you to open an account for this money."
WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!?!?!?!
You know how many bitches are sitting up doing fed time because some man said they love them, and asked them to hold this, or fill this out, or take this across state lines?
I could only see the feds knocking my flimsy wood door in and arresting me for some sort of crime related to these monies.
I see myself trying to explain what happened.
" Well this hot guy on line said he loved me and would take care of me, just do this for him."
His name could be fake.
I searched for him. He has no social media. I can't find his company under his name. I searched his photos like they do on catfish. Nothing came up.
When I finally did speak to him on the phone. He had an accent. The first few times I had to strain to hear him so I wasn't listening that closely to the accent. I couldn't understand what he was saying sometimes. I'd get annoyed. But I didn't say anything.
I couldn't make sense of how he didn't have an account already they could send the money to.
His reasoning didn't really make sense but I didn't needle him on it.
" I'm in Canada, I don't want them to know that. "
But, your account will be from here.. What the fuck does that have to do with you being out of town.
He kept the pressure on, and I kept saying no. I'm not comfortable doing that for someone I don't know. He kept on and on. I said no. I started to get mad and cry from stress.
He said forget it goodnight.
In the middle of the night he texts me he's on his way to the airport. Why am I not answering him.
Because I was asleep!
DUR.
Then he says he is going to take a nap and call me.
I am driving around for work, and he calls.
"About last night." he starts.
Next thing I know we are back in the conversation. I break everything down to him. I make a joke about the feds busting in and dragging me down the stairs by my ankles. He laughs.
He says I am funny.
I hear his accent, and he punctuates his sentences with 'yeah', which is common when talking to people from the UK.
I ask where his accent is from. He slowly says Puerto Rico.
I wanted to blurt, no it isn't. No one on PR sounds like you.
The more I listened, the more I heard a black man on the phone. Which isn't what's in the picture.
I tell him it doesn't make sense for me to do what he is asking. My gut says no.
I tell him to imagine the situation was reversed.. Some woman contacts you on line. A few days in she loves you, then a few days after that she's asking you to open bank accounts for her money?
Doesn't that sound shady to you?
He says yeah it does.
Next thing I know he's having some sort of crisis he has to handle right away and call me back.
NEXT I KNOW
He's texting about how he left his itunes card on his bed and he needs it to access the cloud where his presentation is.
Can I go and get two $50 cards for him?
And do what with them.
It sounds like he says I can log in for him so he can get in the cloud.
I have never heard it cost money to get in there.
It sounds funny to me.
Sure, send me $100 and I'll do it.
He tells me he will pay me back, to just go pick them up.
"$100 is nothing to me. I can get it back to you."
This annoyed the fuck out of me.
" I have bills that are due TODAY, I am NOT spending my own money for this. You get me the money, I will go do it, but other than that I can't do nothin for ya man."
I was livid. The fucking nerve. $100 is nothing to you?
Then why not send it up front if it's nothing.
His answer was convoluted at best. It as jibberish.
I started getting mad.
"I told you I am hanging on by a thread and you want me to spend my own money?? Are you fucking kidding me???"
He kept saying he could get it back to me.
I said 'Get it front to me.'
I started seeing this whole interaction from day one was a setup to get to the money thing. I was angry deep in my soul.
I am glad I don't have a problem telling a man NO.
Emphatically at that.
He was pushing and pushing, I kept getting more angry. I started yelling.
" You get me the money fine. No money, I can't help you."
" You could be anybody. You could be a drug dealer for all I know."
He says he isn't.
The line went dead.
He texts how he's mad at me.
How I shouldn't yell at him.
He's not going to rip me off for $100
(not taking the chance)
He said that I don't calm down to understand anything.
I just blow up all the time
Please you need to be more calm
You never believe me you always thing I am telling you lies
Good day and take care of yourself.
DID HE JUST FEZ ME?!?!?
I told him to send me his company website.
I feel manipulated and lied to by you
Your accent sounds like you're from the UK and not the man in the pictures.
I feel like I am being scammed.
I'm pissed as hell right now.
I'm not stupid or naive. You get that now.
He says "I have nothing to say to you. You have it in your head to call me a scam."
I remind him he agreed that if the situation were reversed he'd be suspicious.
I go on...
If you are who you say you are, and feel they way you claimed you do you'd fight for me, to show me you are real.
He says "I've told you take care."
I'm not replying to you because I have bigger issues to deal with right now.
You insulted me today.
How can I fight for you when you already giving me a headache, adding to my problems.
( How is it my job to solve his fucking problems though???!!)
I said
Maybe when the dust settles and you see things more clearly, you will have time to reflect on how others may feel
He said " I'm getting to see the real you."
Like I'm ashamed of protecting myself or some shit? NGA fuck you.
I tell him
You will see I haven't done anything wrong.
I am just trying to protect myself
I won't apologise for that
I am not a fool
He says
Okay
I wonder how in the 2017 are people still managing to get catfished and get away with catfishing?
It's always amusing to watch and make bets who's on the other end lying their ass off.
I am always amazed how people who HAVE NEVER MET are saying they love eachother, and want to get married. Most times haven't spoken on the phone, or sometimes they have and the person most definately isn't who they claim to be.
Usually the person steals photos of someone really attractive. Usually a model, and pretends to be them. They start contacting people pretending to be this person.
Like I said, how can you not smell this cooking.
So after my disaster with the dead inside painter, I got back on line.
I saw this man who made me stop in my tracks. Very stylish and handsome. The kind of man that would never speak to me.
But he did.
I was kind of shocked.
We started talking. He seemed nice.
He gave lots of compliments, which I was missing since being with DIP for the last four months. I lapped them up.
He said on his profile that he didn't want kids, so I thought cool! But turned out he made the wrong choice he actually does want kids. I told him I was too old for pregnancy. He said he'd adopt. He wanted a girl. Men never want a daughter. This was refreshing.
He owned his own business and has a design eye which is something I always craved in a man.
About 3 days in or so he starts saying he wants to get married in a year. That I am his dream woman. He starts saying he loves me.
RED FLAG!
Pump the breaks.
I'm not saying it to someone I have never laid eyes on and do not know.
But it was nice to hear. I let it ride. I didn't discourage it. I would just remind him we have to meet and spend time together.
He says things like he just wants me to be happy.
He will help me pay bills
When we get married I don't have to work.
All great to hear. But it's all talk.
He tells me he's planning a trip to Canada for a week for business.
Cool.
He asks if I want to go.
RED FLAG.
Who invites a stranger on a business trip? It made me feel icky sort of.
Imagine being in a foreign country, and some completely different person shows up at the airport to kidnap me.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I said no.
Maybe once we've been DIRL. (dating in real life)
But for now no.
I noticed a pattern every evening. We would talk mostly during the work day. But at 5pm he would usually go silent.
I'd text and not get an answer till after 10 or till the middle of the night.
This went on the entire week.
Till Thursday evening.
He asks if he can trust me with his property, business and finances.
What kind of question is this to ask a stranger?
Um, sure?
He drops a bomb on me.
" I'm going out of town but I don't want anyone to know I am not in town. People owe me money. I told them that you would be handling my affairs. I told them you were my wife, so don't be surprised if they call you Mrs. Do__________. I need you to open an account for this money."
WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!?!?!?!
You know how many bitches are sitting up doing fed time because some man said they love them, and asked them to hold this, or fill this out, or take this across state lines?
I could only see the feds knocking my flimsy wood door in and arresting me for some sort of crime related to these monies.
I see myself trying to explain what happened.
" Well this hot guy on line said he loved me and would take care of me, just do this for him."
His name could be fake.
I searched for him. He has no social media. I can't find his company under his name. I searched his photos like they do on catfish. Nothing came up.
When I finally did speak to him on the phone. He had an accent. The first few times I had to strain to hear him so I wasn't listening that closely to the accent. I couldn't understand what he was saying sometimes. I'd get annoyed. But I didn't say anything.
I couldn't make sense of how he didn't have an account already they could send the money to.
His reasoning didn't really make sense but I didn't needle him on it.
" I'm in Canada, I don't want them to know that. "
But, your account will be from here.. What the fuck does that have to do with you being out of town.
He kept the pressure on, and I kept saying no. I'm not comfortable doing that for someone I don't know. He kept on and on. I said no. I started to get mad and cry from stress.
He said forget it goodnight.
In the middle of the night he texts me he's on his way to the airport. Why am I not answering him.
Because I was asleep!
DUR.
Then he says he is going to take a nap and call me.
I am driving around for work, and he calls.
"About last night." he starts.
Next thing I know we are back in the conversation. I break everything down to him. I make a joke about the feds busting in and dragging me down the stairs by my ankles. He laughs.
He says I am funny.
I hear his accent, and he punctuates his sentences with 'yeah', which is common when talking to people from the UK.
I ask where his accent is from. He slowly says Puerto Rico.
I wanted to blurt, no it isn't. No one on PR sounds like you.
The more I listened, the more I heard a black man on the phone. Which isn't what's in the picture.
I tell him it doesn't make sense for me to do what he is asking. My gut says no.
I tell him to imagine the situation was reversed.. Some woman contacts you on line. A few days in she loves you, then a few days after that she's asking you to open bank accounts for her money?
Doesn't that sound shady to you?
He says yeah it does.
Next thing I know he's having some sort of crisis he has to handle right away and call me back.
NEXT I KNOW
He's texting about how he left his itunes card on his bed and he needs it to access the cloud where his presentation is.
Can I go and get two $50 cards for him?
And do what with them.
It sounds like he says I can log in for him so he can get in the cloud.
I have never heard it cost money to get in there.
It sounds funny to me.
Sure, send me $100 and I'll do it.
He tells me he will pay me back, to just go pick them up.
"$100 is nothing to me. I can get it back to you."
This annoyed the fuck out of me.
" I have bills that are due TODAY, I am NOT spending my own money for this. You get me the money, I will go do it, but other than that I can't do nothin for ya man."
I was livid. The fucking nerve. $100 is nothing to you?
Then why not send it up front if it's nothing.
His answer was convoluted at best. It as jibberish.
I started getting mad.
"I told you I am hanging on by a thread and you want me to spend my own money?? Are you fucking kidding me???"
He kept saying he could get it back to me.
I said 'Get it front to me.'
I started seeing this whole interaction from day one was a setup to get to the money thing. I was angry deep in my soul.
I am glad I don't have a problem telling a man NO.
Emphatically at that.
He was pushing and pushing, I kept getting more angry. I started yelling.
" You get me the money fine. No money, I can't help you."
" You could be anybody. You could be a drug dealer for all I know."
He says he isn't.
The line went dead.
He texts how he's mad at me.
How I shouldn't yell at him.
He's not going to rip me off for $100
(not taking the chance)
He said that I don't calm down to understand anything.
I just blow up all the time
Please you need to be more calm
You never believe me you always thing I am telling you lies
Good day and take care of yourself.
DID HE JUST FEZ ME?!?!?
I told him to send me his company website.
I feel manipulated and lied to by you
Your accent sounds like you're from the UK and not the man in the pictures.
I feel like I am being scammed.
I'm pissed as hell right now.
I'm not stupid or naive. You get that now.
He says "I have nothing to say to you. You have it in your head to call me a scam."
I remind him he agreed that if the situation were reversed he'd be suspicious.
I go on...
If you are who you say you are, and feel they way you claimed you do you'd fight for me, to show me you are real.
He says "I've told you take care."
I'm not replying to you because I have bigger issues to deal with right now.
You insulted me today.
How can I fight for you when you already giving me a headache, adding to my problems.
( How is it my job to solve his fucking problems though???!!)
I said
Maybe when the dust settles and you see things more clearly, you will have time to reflect on how others may feel
He said " I'm getting to see the real you."
Like I'm ashamed of protecting myself or some shit? NGA fuck you.
I tell him
You will see I haven't done anything wrong.
I am just trying to protect myself
I won't apologise for that
I am not a fool
He says
Okay
Thursday, June 8, 2017
The Experiment
There comes a time when your expectations are so fucking low of someone you just can't even bring yourself to talk to them.
I stopped texting. If he texts it's one word answers.
One day he says 'Let's get a room today.'
My brain does this:
" Does this mutherfucker actually think I am going to have sex with him after all this bullshit?! "
"He is fine as hell..."
"The sex will be terrible, skip it."
"I am curious."
"He's not getting a damn room, loser. So I'll say ok, because it's not happening anyway."
So I say sure.
A couple hours later his 'budget has changed, because he has to buy supplies for a party he's doing.'
Told ya.
He offers a movie instead.
Fine.
I get there, and he only has enough money to pay for himself.
Strike one
No snack money
Strike two
He has to get popcorn for his mom to take home.
Strike three.
His mother is perfectly aware that she is intruding on OUR date. She is marking her territory. It made me sick to my stomach that he's such a mommas boy that he will bring her popcorn from the theater. I didn't get popcorn, but she did.
He can't see that there is anything wrong with this, that's the problem. That's how steeped in mommas boy culture he is. I was so grossed out when he got the popcorn when we were leaving I felt I would vomit.
Turned out we were parked not that far from eachother. He put the popcorn in the car then got in my car for a moment. We made out for a long time. We have never done that before in the 3 months I have known him. It's usually a few kisses on the lips then he's gone. We steamed the place up that night.
He text later commenting on how steamy things got.
I was surprised he even followed up about it. He said he would see me the following week sometime.
He did not.
Then this past Tuesday (his day off) he texts me a few moments before my lunchtime. He knows when I go to lunch. He asks if I have eaten yet. I tell him not yet.
I'm thinking he will say good because he's downstairs to take me to lunch.
Jokes on me.
He says 'Oh, I already ate my lunch.'
I tell him 'Thanks for the update.'
He says 'No problem :/' So he knows he fucked up or that I'm being sarcastic for some reason.
This little fucked up interaction is the straw that broke my back.
I can't keep on and on like this.
The good news is that I found an apartment and filled out the application. I am up early because my case manager is going to inspect it this morning and I am going with her. This place is near my job ( in south central proper ) and so cute and cosy. It has a huge closet for all my stuff, a real kitchen separate from the main room and a bathroom with a TUB! I haven't taken a bath in years. I took one once when Kev and I rented a room. But I haven't lived anywhere where I could take a bath. IT HAS AIR CONDITIONING! I couldn't believe it! I real fridge not a mini one. I am beyond excited. The landlord would take my subsidy. AND I HAVE ACCESS TO PARKING!
I feel like my life is about to begin.
This fool is not coming with me.
It's so funny how before I used to daydream about us at my place, in bed watching movies and making love. Cooking and having a drawer for his stuff. That is so retarded now I can't even....
He doesn't deserve space in my life.
He's emotionally stunted wether he wants to admit it or not. I don't have time for it. I deserve so much more. So much better. So much love and thoughtfulness. He has no concept of being thoughtful.
Like showing up on my birthday EMPTY HANDED!
I considered checking out then, but then thought am I being petty? We hadn't been seeing eachother that long. Just a month. But he does artwork for a living, and he knew I wanted a Prince t shirt...... I mean seriously. I love celebrating peoples birthday. I was (in my mental illness) thinking once my on line businesses paid; I'd buy tickets for his birthday to go to Hawaii to see my friends hotel. It would be about $4,000 for a three day weekend. But I was considering it if I had the money to do it.
Now I might not even text him happy birthday.
It sounds petty, but that's how 'left out there' I have felt this whole time. I sincerely doubt between now and the end of the month (when his birthday is) that anything will change for the better so I would even be in the picture. I'll let his girlfriend / Mother handle all of that.
I have officially left the building.
I stopped texting. If he texts it's one word answers.
One day he says 'Let's get a room today.'
My brain does this:
" Does this mutherfucker actually think I am going to have sex with him after all this bullshit?! "
"He is fine as hell..."
"The sex will be terrible, skip it."
"I am curious."
"He's not getting a damn room, loser. So I'll say ok, because it's not happening anyway."
So I say sure.
A couple hours later his 'budget has changed, because he has to buy supplies for a party he's doing.'
Told ya.
He offers a movie instead.
Fine.
I get there, and he only has enough money to pay for himself.
Strike one
No snack money
Strike two
He has to get popcorn for his mom to take home.
Strike three.
His mother is perfectly aware that she is intruding on OUR date. She is marking her territory. It made me sick to my stomach that he's such a mommas boy that he will bring her popcorn from the theater. I didn't get popcorn, but she did.
He can't see that there is anything wrong with this, that's the problem. That's how steeped in mommas boy culture he is. I was so grossed out when he got the popcorn when we were leaving I felt I would vomit.
Turned out we were parked not that far from eachother. He put the popcorn in the car then got in my car for a moment. We made out for a long time. We have never done that before in the 3 months I have known him. It's usually a few kisses on the lips then he's gone. We steamed the place up that night.
He text later commenting on how steamy things got.
I was surprised he even followed up about it. He said he would see me the following week sometime.
He did not.
Then this past Tuesday (his day off) he texts me a few moments before my lunchtime. He knows when I go to lunch. He asks if I have eaten yet. I tell him not yet.
I'm thinking he will say good because he's downstairs to take me to lunch.
Jokes on me.
He says 'Oh, I already ate my lunch.'
I tell him 'Thanks for the update.'
He says 'No problem :/' So he knows he fucked up or that I'm being sarcastic for some reason.
This little fucked up interaction is the straw that broke my back.
I can't keep on and on like this.
The good news is that I found an apartment and filled out the application. I am up early because my case manager is going to inspect it this morning and I am going with her. This place is near my job ( in south central proper ) and so cute and cosy. It has a huge closet for all my stuff, a real kitchen separate from the main room and a bathroom with a TUB! I haven't taken a bath in years. I took one once when Kev and I rented a room. But I haven't lived anywhere where I could take a bath. IT HAS AIR CONDITIONING! I couldn't believe it! I real fridge not a mini one. I am beyond excited. The landlord would take my subsidy. AND I HAVE ACCESS TO PARKING!
I feel like my life is about to begin.
This fool is not coming with me.
It's so funny how before I used to daydream about us at my place, in bed watching movies and making love. Cooking and having a drawer for his stuff. That is so retarded now I can't even....
He doesn't deserve space in my life.
He's emotionally stunted wether he wants to admit it or not. I don't have time for it. I deserve so much more. So much better. So much love and thoughtfulness. He has no concept of being thoughtful.
Like showing up on my birthday EMPTY HANDED!
I considered checking out then, but then thought am I being petty? We hadn't been seeing eachother that long. Just a month. But he does artwork for a living, and he knew I wanted a Prince t shirt...... I mean seriously. I love celebrating peoples birthday. I was (in my mental illness) thinking once my on line businesses paid; I'd buy tickets for his birthday to go to Hawaii to see my friends hotel. It would be about $4,000 for a three day weekend. But I was considering it if I had the money to do it.
Now I might not even text him happy birthday.
It sounds petty, but that's how 'left out there' I have felt this whole time. I sincerely doubt between now and the end of the month (when his birthday is) that anything will change for the better so I would even be in the picture. I'll let his girlfriend / Mother handle all of that.
I have officially left the building.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
When is now
There had been mention of us going to a movie. I was thinking 'time not at the shop finally.' So I was going to be cool.
We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.
He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.
Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot.
There was no movie.
There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?'
There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.
LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ANGRY!
NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!
The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.
Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.
I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself.
I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour.
During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.
On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.
That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater.
I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.
Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!
It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!!
I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together.
Anger is swelling.
He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.
I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in.
He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.
He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.
Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?
He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.
There is no guy downstairs.
It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.
If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.
But
Hugs me and says and I quote:
"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."
WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!
You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?
You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?
You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?
I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.
He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month.
He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.
When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused.
My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.
I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite.
"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation."
He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex.
I am not the one for that.
Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad.
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying.
It's like he's dead inside.
Or a robot.
I get angry when he talks about babies.
He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing.
But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??
RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.
I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.
My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long.
His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't.
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?
We were supposed to go on Saturday after the shop closed. I went down early and brought lunch. He told me he would pay for his half. I figured he'd roll that into my movie ticket.
He got sleepy again, and left me at the counter while he took a nap. I felt some type of way but we were going out tonight so I will suck it up.
Closing time. He locks up. We walk to the parking lot. I put my stuff in the back seat so he can sit in the front. He hugs me and kisses me and walks off. His mom is waiting across the parking lot.
There was no movie.
There was no 'Hey, I know I said we were going to the movies, but I'm a little short so not today. Is that cool?'
There was no discussion, or acknowledgement that a movie was supposed to happen.
LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO ANGRY!
NOT GOING TO THE SHOP ANYMORE!
The following week was my event on Sunday, and my bff invited me to a concert at the museum on Saturday.
Normally I'd be craving seeing him and drive the 14 miles to the shop.
I was no longer craving him. I kept my weekend to myself.
I figured if I was on his radar at all, he'd come to see me and spend time with me, even if it was an hour.
During the week, I didn't text good morning or anything. I let him initiate contact. Which he did infrequently. I kept my answers short and sweet.
On Tuesday he asks if I want to go to the movies.
I say sure.
We talk about which one. He says Friday I say okay.
That day he says he wants to go home and freshen up so he will meet me at the theater.
I drive to the theater. When I park he tells me that he's getting his hair cut but will be on time. Ok.
Then 30 minutes before the movie I check in. There is a line at the barber. We may have to go to the 9PM. NO!
It's mother's day weekend, of COURSE there is a line at the barber!!!
I am not waiting 4 hours for you because you decided to get your hair cut the DAY of our date! He did this shit on my birthday too and showed up late in the evening for my birthday when I had wanted to spend the day together.
Anger is swelling.
He says we can try again tomorrow. Same time. He will meet me at the theater.
I get there early ( I usually do ) and he is on time. I was expecting that I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. He was gorgeous and melty as usual. I am a fucking idiot.
He hugs me and we go in.
He doesn't touch me at all in the movie. He never does, which bothers the shit out of me. After he walks me to my car. We talk.
He noticed that I hadn't been texting as much. He was quick to acknowledge that he's been "neglectful" to me.
Really? Why didn't you stop doing it then?
He makes a joke about he 'guy downstairs' who keeps me satisfied.
There is no guy downstairs.
It's like he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him.
If I fucked someone every single day, I wouldn't be cheating on him because he HASN'T CLAIMED ME! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, or to be in an exclusive relationship. He held my hand for the first time when we walked to the car that night. I LOVE HOLDING HANDS! I get jealous when I see other people holding hands. He is so unaffectionate.
But
Hugs me and says and I quote:
"I'm going to get you pregnant against your will."
WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!
You won't hold hands with me, but will have a child with me?
You won't claim me as a partner, but want to have a child with me?
You won't bring me a single flower on my birthday, but expect me to bear a child for you?
I wanted to get a tire iron and bash him in the nuts repeatedly.
He mentioned earlier in the week we could go to the movies or get a room. I picked movies. Mostly because he had pretty much abandoned me and I wasn't feeling sexy after being abandon. Also it was that time of the month.
He brought up that I hadn't wanted to get a room. I told him it was that time of the month.
When he said the baby thing I told him 'this is why I don't want to sleep with you. When you say stuff like that, I don't feel safe.' He seemed confused.
My worst nightmare is being pregnant and abandoned.
I told him before I'd rather have a husband than a child. I believe he's the opposite.
"You aren't one of these guys that thinks sex is only for procreation."
He let me know he's had plenty of recreational sex, now he wants procreational sex.
I am not the one for that.
Emotionally we aren't even connected. We are disconnected.
It makes me profoundly sad.
How can it be possible to look at someone and be attracted to them off the charts, and have zero emotional connection with them. It's not for my lack of trying.
It's like he's dead inside.
Or a robot.
I get angry when he talks about babies.
He has never once paid me a compliment. Not once told me I was pretty, cute, beautiful, fetching, attractive, hot, sexy or anything to indicate attraction to me, or that he finds me appealing.
But I am supposed to get pregnant for him??
RAGE.
HATRED.
VIOLENCE.
I would have elaborate sexual fantasies about him in the beginning. Then they slowly turned into nightmares. Then they were always nightmares. About boring bad sex. Or him pounding away with no regard for my pleasure or comfort. If I told him I wasn't happy he would ignore me and continue.
My fantasies were ones when we were deeply in love and connected spiritually and emotionally and had mind blowing sex that lasted days. I'd fly us to Hawaii for his birthday end of June and we'd have sex in a hut on the beach all day long.
His obsession with pregnancy has ruined all that.
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I wish he was different than he is, but he isn't.
I am sad
I can't stop wondering why is this happening?
What does this mean?
How can I reverse it?
How can I actually get what it is I desire?
Monday, April 24, 2017
Nail, Coffin
The weekend was approaching and the time to face the music was here. I wasn't going to go in hot. Just be matter of factly about things.
I ended up speaking to him on the phone about the whole instagram #, he had some slick excuse for it. How the hashtag was supposed to be a catch all meaning 'no big deal' in Japanese. But the # goes to this girls page.
I don't care that much so I dropped it.
He started talking about going to the movies and also shutting the shop to attend my event on Sunday. I was like 'what'. He was like, 'Yeah, that's something I need to do.' I was surprised. He's going to support my event? Hmmmm. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways?
But I will test him out, with some affection when I see him and see if he still pulls away or if he leans in.
I got to the shop. He had been telling me about this burger place up the street. I was hungry so I did a food run. It was a cute black owned place. But for lunch it was like $32. He had chicken alfredo fries, I had a turkey burger and a lemonade, and then we had two milkshakes. A little pricey.
We ate and then a couple of chain jerkers came by. I watched a movie on my computer and he sat down next to me. I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He makes a comment that I am petting him like a pet. Am I waiting for him to purrrrrrrr. I said no. It was like he couldn't understand why I was rubbing his back. He even made a joke that the customers that came by didn't buy because I was touching him. They were guys, but one had a girlfriend that he wanted to get a portrait of on his shirt. He seemed a little geeked so I wasn't betting he would come back.
But it just seemed like an offhanded joke about how me touching him wasn't a good thing.
Just one more nail in the coffin.
The alfredo gave him the itis, so then he started falling asleep. He went into the corner of the shop for a while and slept. Left me to manage the counter. No one came so no big deal.
When we left that day his mom was waiting to pick him up. He reiterated that he was coming to my event the next day. We went over the time. He gave me a polite kiss good bye.
Later that night I started having anxiety about him coming. That he would make a fool of me in front of my friends by not wanting to touch me. Or chatting up some younger thinner woman and making me look silly. It was a nightmare. He mentioned also that it was perfect that I had my event in Hollywood, because a friend of his band was playing later that night. Cool.
The next day he texted in the morning. But I was busy doing laundry and picking my outfit. My phone was acting up a bit, but I did text him the address and time. I didn't have power till I got to the theater. When my phone came back on there was no message.
We had a pretty full house, and a guy that I had been crushing on showed up, plus some other handsome men.
The film came and went and he never showed. We went to dinner later. My crush joined us and I sat with him. We had a great time at dinner, and I really was happy to see my crush. I didn't miss painter guy at all.
When I got in my car I checked my phone.
"SMH. Left early and took a nap when you sent this text."
Meaning the address and time.
But I text to ask if he made it to his friends show. He had.
So I wasn't really on the radar.
He has made himself abundantly clear.
I can't anymore.
The End.
I ended up speaking to him on the phone about the whole instagram #, he had some slick excuse for it. How the hashtag was supposed to be a catch all meaning 'no big deal' in Japanese. But the # goes to this girls page.
I don't care that much so I dropped it.
He started talking about going to the movies and also shutting the shop to attend my event on Sunday. I was like 'what'. He was like, 'Yeah, that's something I need to do.' I was surprised. He's going to support my event? Hmmmm. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways?
But I will test him out, with some affection when I see him and see if he still pulls away or if he leans in.
I got to the shop. He had been telling me about this burger place up the street. I was hungry so I did a food run. It was a cute black owned place. But for lunch it was like $32. He had chicken alfredo fries, I had a turkey burger and a lemonade, and then we had two milkshakes. A little pricey.
We ate and then a couple of chain jerkers came by. I watched a movie on my computer and he sat down next to me. I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He makes a comment that I am petting him like a pet. Am I waiting for him to purrrrrrrr. I said no. It was like he couldn't understand why I was rubbing his back. He even made a joke that the customers that came by didn't buy because I was touching him. They were guys, but one had a girlfriend that he wanted to get a portrait of on his shirt. He seemed a little geeked so I wasn't betting he would come back.
But it just seemed like an offhanded joke about how me touching him wasn't a good thing.
Just one more nail in the coffin.
The alfredo gave him the itis, so then he started falling asleep. He went into the corner of the shop for a while and slept. Left me to manage the counter. No one came so no big deal.
When we left that day his mom was waiting to pick him up. He reiterated that he was coming to my event the next day. We went over the time. He gave me a polite kiss good bye.
Later that night I started having anxiety about him coming. That he would make a fool of me in front of my friends by not wanting to touch me. Or chatting up some younger thinner woman and making me look silly. It was a nightmare. He mentioned also that it was perfect that I had my event in Hollywood, because a friend of his band was playing later that night. Cool.
The next day he texted in the morning. But I was busy doing laundry and picking my outfit. My phone was acting up a bit, but I did text him the address and time. I didn't have power till I got to the theater. When my phone came back on there was no message.
We had a pretty full house, and a guy that I had been crushing on showed up, plus some other handsome men.
The film came and went and he never showed. We went to dinner later. My crush joined us and I sat with him. We had a great time at dinner, and I really was happy to see my crush. I didn't miss painter guy at all.
When I got in my car I checked my phone.
"SMH. Left early and took a nap when you sent this text."
Meaning the address and time.
But I text to ask if he made it to his friends show. He had.
So I wasn't really on the radar.
He has made himself abundantly clear.
I can't anymore.
The End.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Dunnie dun dun
It's hard out in these streets for a woman to find a man.
You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.
You remain open to meet someone wonderful.
You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point.
There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?
So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'
I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit.
I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.
I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!
If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.
BULLSHIT.
Then he did some odd shit on top of it.
He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.
He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into.
But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?
Odd shit.
I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.
He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.
The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.
I get pecks like a family member.
One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."
It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.
He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers.
I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection.
I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally.
I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.
You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.
You remain open to meet someone wonderful.
You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point.
There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?
So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'
I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit.
I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.
I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!
If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.
BULLSHIT.
Then he did some odd shit on top of it.
He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.
He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into.
But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?
Odd shit.
I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.
He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.
The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.
I get pecks like a family member.
One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."
It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.
He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers.
I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection.
I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally.
I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.
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