I had to ship my first pair of sneakers today. I went to my counseling appointment, then after I was going to jump on the bus to main street to the job center to use the computer to print the shipping label. I walked outside and the street was blocked off by hasmat so the bus can't come through. So I had to walk through skid row to the office. I get there and all of my passwords don't work on the computer! I started to get upset. But then I said I guess now I have to break down and buy a printer. I got a lyft to the office supply store. They had one for $50. Ink and paper. I shipped the shoes from their shipping center. Took care of that. I had to lyft back to my house and drop off the printer then take the bus to work. Only three hours late.
I text the U up text I always do in the morning. I called when I was at the office supply store he didn't answer. He hasn't called or text all day. So I had to make a conscious decision to leave him alone for the rest of the week.
I think this is going to be the opposite of what I feel. How many times have I made love to a man I felt I could love only to have him totally abandon me. I am feeling that familiar he's left the building feeling. I have to spend the week getting over it. I was praying for someone who fit with me, who I could open my whole heart to and have his heart open to me. In 7 years I haven't felt like I wanted to have an actual relationship with someone. Until now. It took me by surprise. I found myself fantasizing about he and I being a couple. Travelling, building wealth together, being deeply and spiritually in love. But I have to let go of all of that. Because he is going to come back and take it all back. He's freaking out that he's lost me because we had sex. That if he tells me he doesn't want a relationship or to have sex again I won't be there anymore. He could be mourning our friendship. But what he doesn't understand is; it would be even better if we were a couple.
I know I love him.
But I can't be exposed.
Monday, December 10, 2018
Weekend Warrior
The next day I was so tired I felt like crying. I only got two hours of sleep. He slept on my side of the bed so I had to crawl over him when my alarm went off. I got dressed and he slept. Normally the next morning I like to have morning sex then make breakfast, but there was no time for that. I was overwhelmed with tiredness and emotions.
I woke him up and he got dressed quickly and took me to work. We didn't talk the whole way there. I fought the urge to touch his leg as he drove. I was still in shock. We stopped so I could get lunch, then he took me to the front door of work. I gave him a kiss. He told me last night was like a fantasy. I said it was for me too. All day I thought about him. I had to leave to go to Hollywood and the traffic was insane it took two hours to get there on the bus. I was a wreck by the time I got there. The show went well, smooth. But by the end I was loopy. I went home and slept. R and I text through the day but we were both working so we didn't get a chance to talk. He was as tired as I was.
Saturday I had to spend the whole day in Hollywood at the theater. We text more back and forth. He left voice mails which when I listened to his voice I smiled. I was burnt by the end of the night. I got home late and crashed. Sunday I had one day. Two shows. R had church then an event where a friend of his was screening a movie. Then he would drive some. I text him my movements then when I got home. It was ten when I got home. I text that I was laying down. I fell asleep right away. I got up around 12:30am to go to the bathroom and saw he text at 12:15 that he was wrapping up driving and going to bed he'd talk to me later and nite nite.
I am anxious.
I am a little scared. That I made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have let it happen. I should have said NO and made him leave. But I wanted him so badly. I want to be in love with him. I have never fit this way with a man in my life. I have never had this kind of synergy with someone. I want to love him completely. I want that chance. But I have to wait to see him again.
so anxious.
I woke him up and he got dressed quickly and took me to work. We didn't talk the whole way there. I fought the urge to touch his leg as he drove. I was still in shock. We stopped so I could get lunch, then he took me to the front door of work. I gave him a kiss. He told me last night was like a fantasy. I said it was for me too. All day I thought about him. I had to leave to go to Hollywood and the traffic was insane it took two hours to get there on the bus. I was a wreck by the time I got there. The show went well, smooth. But by the end I was loopy. I went home and slept. R and I text through the day but we were both working so we didn't get a chance to talk. He was as tired as I was.
Saturday I had to spend the whole day in Hollywood at the theater. We text more back and forth. He left voice mails which when I listened to his voice I smiled. I was burnt by the end of the night. I got home late and crashed. Sunday I had one day. Two shows. R had church then an event where a friend of his was screening a movie. Then he would drive some. I text him my movements then when I got home. It was ten when I got home. I text that I was laying down. I fell asleep right away. I got up around 12:30am to go to the bathroom and saw he text at 12:15 that he was wrapping up driving and going to bed he'd talk to me later and nite nite.
I am anxious.
I am a little scared. That I made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have let it happen. I should have said NO and made him leave. But I wanted him so badly. I want to be in love with him. I have never fit this way with a man in my life. I have never had this kind of synergy with someone. I want to love him completely. I want that chance. But I have to wait to see him again.
so anxious.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Am I dreaming?
I figured out my paypal is hooked to my bank account, so the money was coming out of my bank account. I went to Norwalk only to be told that they were closed because of an ex presidents death. Wasted money. Anger. Then pay day got moved a day back too.
So I made a point to talk to R about his escalating. I got really honest about my feelings too. I explained myself clearly. I felt an attraction vibe over the phone. I thought since I told him clearly how his obsessive flirting and sexual talking made me feel. I basically said shut it down or bring it. Knowing he would totally back off and keep his distance. I invited him over the next night for soup and salads. I set the table and made soup with garlic. We ate and talked. I had to be to work early the next day because I had to go to Hollywood to help out with the show.
He and I always spend hours listening to music. That is a happy place for me. He wanted to touch my hair. I was afraid to touch him. We end up on my bed listening to mellow songs. Some r & b. We sang some. Then I pulled out super old Prince albums. I played him songs he'd never heard before. I played the first and second albums and then it happened. His hands were all over me. I was confused and incredibly tired. I had been up since 5am. I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed, but he kept touching me. Then kissing my stomach. Then my breasts. Then me. We were making out to 'when we're dancing close and slow'. It was like a dream. I was so tired I couldn't really grasp what was happening. Then I would and I would internally freak out. One of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life is kissing me! I never get kissed by the guy I have a crush on. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I couldn't gather my emotions. I wanted to stop him and ask what we were doing. Where was this going. I felt like I was falling in love. I let myself fall. I felt like I always wanted him but would never get him. It was happening. He is so beautiful. I can't believe he was in my bed. I was making love to someone I thought was off limits. Like I would be kidding myself thinking I would have a chance. I feel like I am in shock. I feel like I am in love too. I want to tell everyone I am in love. I don't know how he feels. He says cute things about fighting over me. I wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him. To be loved by him. To be in love with him. To build with him. I feel so many things. If I have to only have last night, I am fine with that too. He's a big chunk of my life now though. We talk on the phone a lot. We laugh a lot too. He gives me joy. I can't believe we made love. I can't believe he devoured me the way he did. He said it was a fantasy. I would say something like that. I want more.
And more. I want to go deeper and deeper with him.
So I made a point to talk to R about his escalating. I got really honest about my feelings too. I explained myself clearly. I felt an attraction vibe over the phone. I thought since I told him clearly how his obsessive flirting and sexual talking made me feel. I basically said shut it down or bring it. Knowing he would totally back off and keep his distance. I invited him over the next night for soup and salads. I set the table and made soup with garlic. We ate and talked. I had to be to work early the next day because I had to go to Hollywood to help out with the show.
He and I always spend hours listening to music. That is a happy place for me. He wanted to touch my hair. I was afraid to touch him. We end up on my bed listening to mellow songs. Some r & b. We sang some. Then I pulled out super old Prince albums. I played him songs he'd never heard before. I played the first and second albums and then it happened. His hands were all over me. I was confused and incredibly tired. I had been up since 5am. I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed, but he kept touching me. Then kissing my stomach. Then my breasts. Then me. We were making out to 'when we're dancing close and slow'. It was like a dream. I was so tired I couldn't really grasp what was happening. Then I would and I would internally freak out. One of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life is kissing me! I never get kissed by the guy I have a crush on. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! I couldn't gather my emotions. I wanted to stop him and ask what we were doing. Where was this going. I felt like I was falling in love. I let myself fall. I felt like I always wanted him but would never get him. It was happening. He is so beautiful. I can't believe he was in my bed. I was making love to someone I thought was off limits. Like I would be kidding myself thinking I would have a chance. I feel like I am in shock. I feel like I am in love too. I want to tell everyone I am in love. I don't know how he feels. He says cute things about fighting over me. I wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him. To be loved by him. To be in love with him. To build with him. I feel so many things. If I have to only have last night, I am fine with that too. He's a big chunk of my life now though. We talk on the phone a lot. We laugh a lot too. He gives me joy. I can't believe we made love. I can't believe he devoured me the way he did. He said it was a fantasy. I would say something like that. I want more.
And more. I want to go deeper and deeper with him.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Breathing
FINALLY!
I got paid and it was glorious!
I was overwhelmed with emotion. There was a wig store by my job, I went in and got the fluffiest wig I could find. They have the same one in blue which I think I might get. I like wearing blue at Christmas time.
I also FINALLY purchased the TLC weight loss plan! I have been waiting 2 years to get it and I finally did! I was so excited. I did my first full day and this morning I took the biggest crap I have ever taken in my entire life. I thought the toilet would clog from it it was so huge. PLUS I didn't crave sugar. I hope that continues! I went and got healthy food after work too. Salad for lunch. I am so grateful! I can't wait to really get deep into it. I have never felt so happy! I am so happy I can't even put it into words. I am praising GOD all day because I feel my life is changing for the best. I feel blessed. I want to be down 20 in four weeks. I should probably buy a scale. At my last weigh in the scale said 290. Which I don't really think was completely accurate. But we will go with that number. That means I have 140 to lose. 7 months on the program will do that for me. I will do everything in my power to reach my goal. I want my body back! I have been struggling for 25 years with my weight. I finally feel like I made a breakthrough.
R is escalating.
I took a picture of my new hair and sent it to him. He said "you look like you are trying to get your bones jumped." He was going on and on about it and saying that I was HIS. He is confusing me! Does he want to date me or is he just playing around? He has a bunch of the qualities I want in a man, I just don't know what he is like emotionally. If he is stable and honest or not. He makes a lot of jokes, but I know why I do it. Why does he do it.
I have to go to Norwalk to get my voter registration paper to take to the post office to get my post office box. It was a nightmare trying to get it. Somehow when I take a lyft, my paypal account pays for it. Even though there isn't money in it. I will take lyft to the place and to work. The bus ride is too crazy. Once I get my PO box then I can start ordering my items off line. Building my looks and my life. Plus get sneakers to sell.
I AM SO EXCITED!
I got paid and it was glorious!
I was overwhelmed with emotion. There was a wig store by my job, I went in and got the fluffiest wig I could find. They have the same one in blue which I think I might get. I like wearing blue at Christmas time.
I also FINALLY purchased the TLC weight loss plan! I have been waiting 2 years to get it and I finally did! I was so excited. I did my first full day and this morning I took the biggest crap I have ever taken in my entire life. I thought the toilet would clog from it it was so huge. PLUS I didn't crave sugar. I hope that continues! I went and got healthy food after work too. Salad for lunch. I am so grateful! I can't wait to really get deep into it. I have never felt so happy! I am so happy I can't even put it into words. I am praising GOD all day because I feel my life is changing for the best. I feel blessed. I want to be down 20 in four weeks. I should probably buy a scale. At my last weigh in the scale said 290. Which I don't really think was completely accurate. But we will go with that number. That means I have 140 to lose. 7 months on the program will do that for me. I will do everything in my power to reach my goal. I want my body back! I have been struggling for 25 years with my weight. I finally feel like I made a breakthrough.
R is escalating.
I took a picture of my new hair and sent it to him. He said "you look like you are trying to get your bones jumped." He was going on and on about it and saying that I was HIS. He is confusing me! Does he want to date me or is he just playing around? He has a bunch of the qualities I want in a man, I just don't know what he is like emotionally. If he is stable and honest or not. He makes a lot of jokes, but I know why I do it. Why does he do it.
I have to go to Norwalk to get my voter registration paper to take to the post office to get my post office box. It was a nightmare trying to get it. Somehow when I take a lyft, my paypal account pays for it. Even though there isn't money in it. I will take lyft to the place and to work. The bus ride is too crazy. Once I get my PO box then I can start ordering my items off line. Building my looks and my life. Plus get sneakers to sell.
I AM SO EXCITED!
Friday, November 23, 2018
Anticipation pt 2
So here we are the Friday I am supposed to get paid.
NOTHING!
But it wasn't just me. None of us got paid. We think it's because of the holiday.
It really doesn't help how I feel. My hair is a hot ass mess. So are my nails. Plus I have no food left. Well, I have a pack of ribs. I was looking forward to breathing that sigh of relief when I saw the money in my account. To be able to plan my day and look forward to my future. I wanted to order my diet plan today when I got home. That didn't happen. Tomorrow is Saturday. Part of me feels like I will go the whole weekend without seeing my paycheck. I will check my account again at midnight and pray that it's there.
NOTHING!
But it wasn't just me. None of us got paid. We think it's because of the holiday.
It really doesn't help how I feel. My hair is a hot ass mess. So are my nails. Plus I have no food left. Well, I have a pack of ribs. I was looking forward to breathing that sigh of relief when I saw the money in my account. To be able to plan my day and look forward to my future. I wanted to order my diet plan today when I got home. That didn't happen. Tomorrow is Saturday. Part of me feels like I will go the whole weekend without seeing my paycheck. I will check my account again at midnight and pray that it's there.
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Anticipation
It's raining and the middle of the night Thanksgiving morning. I have to work a few hours today. Hope the rain stops by the time it's time to go.
I get paid this friday my first check.
I will finally get the diet plan I have wanted the past year and get cracking on it. I will be able to lose all of the weight provided I stay consistent with it for the next four to five months.
I will be able to do my nails.
Get a new wig.
Go to the movies and lunch.
I am anxious because I am selling my first pair of sneakers too. I can't stop thinking about buying 2 pair of all whites and flipping them for $600 each then buying 2 more and so on and so on. I can be on my way to my real self in no time.
Of course I spend hours collecting stuff 'I want' but it's more about inspiration.
I have noticed something about work. People are really pretty bland. Is that the job or is that them? Either way, I find myself not wanting to be my wild me there. Just a really toned down version. Maybe some cute sneakers. But not any crazy punk shit or wild ass jogger sets. Purple hair and stuff.
I have to get a car! It's making me seriously mental being on the bus this long. The SMELL! I just got new headphones yesterday so now I can drown out the noise and the people. But the odors are really getting to me. Then there's the walking around the massive building at work. OVER IT!
I have to go hard with on line selling to get to my goals. I have to get the money for the tax lien coaching sessions too. I think a car is first. How am I going to get to the properties without one?
I have to prepare a whole power point presentation with a commercial for my business plan. What a fucking grind because I don't have access to any of the software I need. I have to go to the valley and spend like 12 hours doing it. I have to write out a paper plan to follow. I wish that bitch wouldn't have stolen my hard drive with all my work on it. I don't have access to any of the files. I don't believe in the cloud. TO me that's the perfect place to get all your shit stolen.
I have a lot on my plate. But today I felt like it's been ages since I felt glamourous. Like put together head to toe. I feel like I have been suffering. Even this wig I have been wearing to work looks a hot ass mess. I stopped trying. I can't wait till I am getting paid every week and can get a new week every week. I am also planning my Christmas outfit. Chanel Punk. I hope I can pull it off. I have to sketch it out.
I really want to make Ro a great present. It's embarrassing I started that crenolin like 5 months ago and ran out of fabric so it hung in the closet half done. I have to finish.
I want one too.
I can't stop dreaming of new clothes, shoes, bags, car, neighborhood and life.
I get paid this friday my first check.
I will finally get the diet plan I have wanted the past year and get cracking on it. I will be able to lose all of the weight provided I stay consistent with it for the next four to five months.
I will be able to do my nails.
Get a new wig.
Go to the movies and lunch.
I am anxious because I am selling my first pair of sneakers too. I can't stop thinking about buying 2 pair of all whites and flipping them for $600 each then buying 2 more and so on and so on. I can be on my way to my real self in no time.
Of course I spend hours collecting stuff 'I want' but it's more about inspiration.
I have noticed something about work. People are really pretty bland. Is that the job or is that them? Either way, I find myself not wanting to be my wild me there. Just a really toned down version. Maybe some cute sneakers. But not any crazy punk shit or wild ass jogger sets. Purple hair and stuff.
I have to get a car! It's making me seriously mental being on the bus this long. The SMELL! I just got new headphones yesterday so now I can drown out the noise and the people. But the odors are really getting to me. Then there's the walking around the massive building at work. OVER IT!
I have to go hard with on line selling to get to my goals. I have to get the money for the tax lien coaching sessions too. I think a car is first. How am I going to get to the properties without one?
I have to prepare a whole power point presentation with a commercial for my business plan. What a fucking grind because I don't have access to any of the software I need. I have to go to the valley and spend like 12 hours doing it. I have to write out a paper plan to follow. I wish that bitch wouldn't have stolen my hard drive with all my work on it. I don't have access to any of the files. I don't believe in the cloud. TO me that's the perfect place to get all your shit stolen.
I have a lot on my plate. But today I felt like it's been ages since I felt glamourous. Like put together head to toe. I feel like I have been suffering. Even this wig I have been wearing to work looks a hot ass mess. I stopped trying. I can't wait till I am getting paid every week and can get a new week every week. I am also planning my Christmas outfit. Chanel Punk. I hope I can pull it off. I have to sketch it out.
I really want to make Ro a great present. It's embarrassing I started that crenolin like 5 months ago and ran out of fabric so it hung in the closet half done. I have to finish.
I want one too.
I can't stop dreaming of new clothes, shoes, bags, car, neighborhood and life.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
....and we are back
R and I had been getting along well. Hanging out, talking on the phone every other day.
But then I mentioned a curly wig Halle Berry had on on a film and how it was cute and I wanted it. He went off on a tangent about how I should wear my hair natural. Again. I told him to back off and get back in his lane. He wouldn't stop talking. It makes me really angry. Like he's trying to control me. Or trying to make me unattractive to a segment of the male population, or stiffing my creativity. If I wore it, it would be for a few days, till I got bored, then I would change it again. But mostly it's about money. It costs money to maintain natural hair in a way that is flattering and pretty. I feel intense hatred towards him when he talks about my hair. To the point I want to sever our friendship. I know that it's extreme but that is how angry it makes me. I won't tolerate a man (who isn't my husband) telling me what to do with my hair. My husband will know better than to do this anyway. I haven't liked my hair in months because I haven't had an income really to get anything I like.
I think I got a job for a few months I'll make $500 a week. So I will be able to afford to get the hair I want again. Stock up. Get the matching sneakers. New joggers, new jackets. The come up. Hopefully be able to score a car before it gets too cold in these streets.
But then I mentioned a curly wig Halle Berry had on on a film and how it was cute and I wanted it. He went off on a tangent about how I should wear my hair natural. Again. I told him to back off and get back in his lane. He wouldn't stop talking. It makes me really angry. Like he's trying to control me. Or trying to make me unattractive to a segment of the male population, or stiffing my creativity. If I wore it, it would be for a few days, till I got bored, then I would change it again. But mostly it's about money. It costs money to maintain natural hair in a way that is flattering and pretty. I feel intense hatred towards him when he talks about my hair. To the point I want to sever our friendship. I know that it's extreme but that is how angry it makes me. I won't tolerate a man (who isn't my husband) telling me what to do with my hair. My husband will know better than to do this anyway. I haven't liked my hair in months because I haven't had an income really to get anything I like.
I think I got a job for a few months I'll make $500 a week. So I will be able to afford to get the hair I want again. Stock up. Get the matching sneakers. New joggers, new jackets. The come up. Hopefully be able to score a car before it gets too cold in these streets.
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