Nail, Coffin

The weekend was approaching and the time to face the music was here. I wasn't going to go in hot. Just be matter of factly about things. 

I ended up speaking to him on the phone about the whole instagram #, he had some slick excuse for it. How the hashtag was supposed to be a catch all meaning 'no big deal' in Japanese. But the # goes to this girls page. 

I don't care that much so I dropped it.

He started talking about going to the movies and also shutting the shop to attend my event on Sunday. I was like 'what'. He was like, 'Yeah, that's something I need to do.' I was surprised. He's going to support my event? Hmmmm. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways?

But I will test him out, with some affection when I see him and see if he still pulls away or if he leans in.

I got to the shop. He had been telling me about this burger place up the street. I was hungry so I did a food run. It was a cute black owned place. But for lunch it was like $32. He had chicken alfredo fries, I had a turkey burger and a lemonade, and then we had two milkshakes. A little pricey.

We ate and then a couple of chain jerkers came by. I watched a movie on my computer and he sat down next to me. I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He makes a comment that I am petting him like a pet. Am I waiting for him to purrrrrrrr. I said no. It was like he couldn't understand why I was rubbing his back. He even made a joke that the customers that came by didn't buy because I was touching him. They were guys, but one had a girlfriend that he wanted to get a portrait of on his shirt. He seemed a little geeked so I wasn't betting he would come back.

But it just seemed like an offhanded joke about how me touching him wasn't a good thing. 

Just one more nail in the coffin.

The alfredo gave him the itis, so then he started falling asleep. He went into the corner of the shop for a while and slept. Left me to manage the counter. No one came so no big deal.

When we left that day his mom was waiting to pick him up. He reiterated that he was coming to my event the next day. We went over the time. He gave me a polite kiss good bye.

Later that night I started having anxiety about him coming. That he would make a fool of me in front of my friends by not wanting to touch me. Or chatting up some younger thinner woman and making me look silly. It was a nightmare. He mentioned also that it was perfect that I had my event in Hollywood, because a friend of his band was playing later that night. Cool.

The next day he texted in the morning. But I was busy doing laundry and picking my outfit. My phone was acting up a bit, but I did text him the address and time. I didn't have power till I got to the theater. When my phone came back on there was no message.

We had a pretty full house, and a guy that I had been crushing on showed up, plus some other handsome men.

The film came and went and he never showed. We went to dinner later. My crush joined us and I sat with him. We had a great time at dinner, and I really was happy to see my crush. I didn't miss painter guy at all.

When I got in my car I checked my phone.
"SMH. Left early and took a nap when you sent this text."

Meaning the address and time.

But I text to ask if he made it to his friends show. He had.

So I wasn't really on the radar.

He has made himself abundantly clear. 

I can't anymore.

The End.

Dunnie dun dun

It's hard out in these streets for a woman to find a man.

You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.

You remain open to meet someone wonderful.

You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point. 

There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?

So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'

I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit. 

I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.

I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!

If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.

BULLSHIT.

Then he did some odd shit on top of it.

He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.

He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into. 

But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?

Odd shit.

I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.

He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.

The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.

I get pecks like a family member. 

One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."

It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.

He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers. 

I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection. 

I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally. 

I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.

What am I doing?

I have been hanging with the painter for two months now. Still no sex. Which I am fine with. In my conscious mind, I am desperately attracted to him. When I am sleeping I have nightmares about the sex. That he will be like a zombie, that he won't be passionate, that he will get up right after; put his clothes on and walk out. That he will become mean and insulting afterward. That he will tell me to stop coming to the shop. I have these nightmares regularly.

No movies we both wanted to see have come out in the past couple of weeks. So we haven't been out on a date. Last weekend he wanted me at the shop both days. If I am there, it gives him more time to paint if I deal with the customers for him. He says having a woman there makes customers more comfortable. I flirt with him a little and the customers smile. But nowadays I feel that's all he wants me for. To be at the shop. About a month ago after a movie I was dropping him off to catch his train, and we made out quite passionately. We haven't since then, and I don't know why. The last time I was with him and we were saying good bye, he gave me multiple pecks, no tongue and then pulled away. I am getting tired of feeling like I have to beg for affection. If I come in the shop and there are no customers there, he will give me a kiss hello, which I like. But I am wanting some HEAT, and he's not bringing it. I'm feeling a little resentful. 

Here he is wanting to have sex with me, but I have to beg for kisses? How is that fair? How am I supposed to think sex with him will be fullfilling under these circumstances. 

I have a feeling he's one of these guys that thinks because he's well endowed that automatically makes him good in bed. Or because a woman screams in pain because he is hurting her, he's doing something. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for some hardcore disappointment. He told me a story about a 70 year old woman that was obsessed with him, and would come to his house and flash him. I wondered if he thinks of me as some pathetic, love starved old woman. Sometimes he seems like he isn't even attracted to me. Not really. He will make some lewd comment, or when he's squeezing past me in the shop stop and pretend to hump me from behind. But other than those expressions--there isn't anything sincere. Nothing that says 'I see you.' He's never paid me a compliment. Red flag. He doesn't have any pet names for me, no babe, sugar, honey, sweetheart....nothing.

But I am supposed to be on board with sex?

Tuesday is his day off. He of course has tons of errands to do, and sometimes work to catch up on. I can usually organize my work so when Tuesday rolls around I can dip early to go spend time with him. I let him know this since this past weekend we didn't see eachother. My brakes on my car were in terrible shape and I didn't feel safe making the 20 mile drive. Then Sunday was Easter, which is a family day. I get it. He mentioned that last week he had words with someone and it made him upset. He was 'on one' for a couple of days. Then I couldn't come to the shop the following weekend. I told him 'I hate letting you down, but I don't want to mess my car up.' He said he understood and don't worry about it. But he didn't want to talk to any customers. I felt conflicted. I wasn't about to spend two hours on a bus to go hang at the shop. He doesn't pay me to be there. It's not quality time for our relationship. So I stayed home and walked where I needed to go. Or took the bus around the neighborhood. 

He asked about what time was I thinking of leaving work tomorrow. I said around 3. He said he'd see where he was around that time. I don't want to get my hopes up. But honestly there are no hopes to really get up.

I started feeling this is a test. Am I just going to do what I have always done, and settled for crumbs, and calling it a choice; then supplementing with other men. Am I going to ignore that he uses the word bitches regularly? Or that the N word is a fixture in is vocabulary. Does he get a pass on that because he's from Compton? Am I kidding myself that a guy from Compton will ever know how to love me? Is it a stereotype or a fact? 

Sometimes I feel I have made a big mistake, and now how do I get out of it? Or am I exiting prematurely? I know what I want, and I am not confident that he had the skills or maturity to give it to me. He's a cool guy, but I want more than a cool guy. I want a relationship.

I want regular dates, romance, affection and attention. I want someone who expresses himself to me. Who makes a place in his life for me. Who sees me in his future. Not someone who sees me as just a means to and end. I don't feel like he wants to have a romantic relationship with me. But he doesn't know how to get out of it. He wants to have sex with me though. I imagine him telling me he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he just wants to smash. Because I'm some love starved old woman (he's referred to me as an older woman on many occasions) that I'll just agree to it.

SO FUCKED UP. No pun intended. 

The Lisa Stansfield song 'Been Around the World.' pops up sometimes. Like I have been searching for this black man, but I still haven't found him. Not one who will treat me like the goddess and queen that I am. I found one who hates women, and uses them for his own selfish wants; and doesn't care about their wants, needs or feelings. When I hear that new J. Cole song 'Fold Clothes' it reminds me of him and how I wish we were. How far away we are from that. 

NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL!!!

I make myself sick because when I see him, I get all swoony and giggly. He's just so dreeeeeaaaammmmy. Which for all I know he could be the troll under the bridge. It's almost a chemical reaction I have to him. When I leave him, I'm on a high. It's embarassing.

If he can't see me tomorrow. 

I'll fall back.

I can't keep pretending I don't know what I know. I won't ignore my instincts. I won't pretend I don't have nightmares. 

I have to be honest.

Rape cultural conversation

Whilst we were killing time at his shop he asked if I'd seen an article on our shared site about a woman who had been raped but took selfies and posted them before calling the police.

I'd read all about this attention w*ore.

Now usually as a woman, when you hear about another woman being attacked or sexually assaulted, you automatically fly into defend mode and start screaming and yelling for justice and someones balls on a platter.

Usually.

You don't ever say it was how she was dressed, or how much she had to drink that caused it. A man needs to keep his hands and other appendages to himself.

However in this twisted case this woman was living abroad. A man in her building was consistently trying to get her attention. She didn't give it to him. He kept trying, she told him she had a boyfriend. Which was true. 

One night her shower stopped working. So she goes to the pesky neighbor and asks to shower with him. He of course says yes. She kisses him on the mouth.

She is raped.

He and I sat talking about if the facts are the facts 'what did she think was going to happen.'? 

Like I mentioned before it's not about clothes or alcohol. But I am a grown assed woman. And personally I get burnt out on other grown women who think we live in Utopia where nothing bad ever happens. Where they can walk down the street butt naked and no one will lay a finger on them. A world where they can get as drunk as they want and make out with as many men as they want, and then just excuse themselves and go home like nothing happened. I get  annoyed with women who don't take precautions up front, or take responsibility for their choices. 

If you are going to wear a dental floss dress and f me pumps out, be a big girl and be ready for all the attention even the negative that that may bring. If you don't know kung fu or crazy; then you may want to rethink your wardrobe choice. You know, for safety sake. I'm not saying DON'T wear it, just know what message you are sending when you do wear it.

Dave Chapelle had a great bit about this. He said imagine if he walked around dressed like a police officer. Then someone ran up to him that needed his help. Then he said "Oh no, I'm not a police office, I just dress this way because I like it." He was equating women dressing like prostitutes to this. He's point is crude, but you get the point.

I had too many questions about this woman's choices that night. Where was her boyfriend, and why couldn't she use his shower? Why ask the one man who has expressed interest in you to be naked in his presence. Not to shower alone, but to shower WITH him. 

DANGER!

Even though he and I were on the exact same side of this here issue; it made me wonder about him and his ideas of consent. Some men think that once the act begins, all bets are off. Even if she says stop, she said yes so too bad for her for wanting to stop. This is how rape gets into the conversation. If I tell you to stop and you don't then my consent has been rescinded and now you are taking something I don't wish to give you. Many men don't care. There is the classic well endowed man, who when his new partner realizes how painful sex with him is, wants to stop; and he will not. These men then spin her allegation into 'she couldn't handle the d*ck'. 

There is a mentality that goes along with this, and entitlement if you will that will not stand. Before becoming involved with someone sexually, you have to find out if they have this mentality. If they will listen to your requests. If they will respect your boundaries and concerns. Or if once they are aroused, their hearing suddenly goes. Or if they have had a lot to drink, they could be in a blackout while forcing themselves on you. This is why I made a point never to have sex with a man who has had too much to drink. Then he can play the 'I don't remember having sex with you' game the next day too. 

Not the kid.

I watched the new film 'Edge of Seventeen' which was about an extremely socially awkward girl. ( I say asbergers ) Who has an extremely difficult time connecting with people. She is attractive, but really clueless. She has an obsessive crush on a guy who works at a pet store. She also likes an equally awkward guy at school. One night when suffering a breakdown she sends a text to petstore crush that is very sexually explicit, though every sweet saying that she feels close to him. He agrees to meet her and pick her up in his car. Now my heart sank because I thought this will not turn out well. Of course the guy thinks she is DTF, but she is hopelessly in love and wants to 'get to know him'. He is angry at this. All turned on with nowhere to put it. He was very cool about the whole thing. He could have forced himself on her, or at least kicked her out of his car in the middle of nowhere in a rage. The writers soft peddled the hell out of that scene. Made it not traumatic for her. But the reality is, most men when erect are not that cool. Period.

As women we have to learn not to say things we don't have any intention on following through with. Not to tease men either. Her school crush happened to be crazy rich and live in a mansion with a grotto. They were swimming and over by the waterfall she asks if he wants to have sex? He thinks this is it! Then she starts laughing at him. He is not amused. He turns on a song about what an asshole she is. They brush it off. But that could have also gone horribly wrong. He also in a rage could have kicked her out of his house for having teased him. This film did a shitty job of showing what can REALLY happen to you if you act like this.

As grown women, we have to wonder about that super cute guy we want to date. If he's a super perv. If he's addicted to porn. If he's a closet rapist. Or if he's totally normal. You don't know what you are getting these days there is just so much dysfunction.

In the meantime, how do I get to hold hands with him?

Weekend drop in

I got up early to go to the movies with a friend. Afterward I wound my way over to his job to visit him.

It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by. 

He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand. 

When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.

We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'. 

I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile. 

This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me.  Then I will consider other things.

As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.

I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.


So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.

They sparkle you know.

You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel. 

I call bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into. 

Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.

We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them. 

When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.

But I DO want him.

sigh.

Microscoping love

Since my new years declaration, I have spent lots of time meditating on what a relationship is and means. Women of another era would have me believe I was dead already. I started wondering about sex, and how it's going to come about. I felt like I am supposed to be ashamed that I want to be in a committed relationship so the sex can be great because I can show my feelings. I am exhausted having to hide my emotions constantly. I don't want to do it anymore. 

I spent time pouring over the circumstances of all my past relationships, and the ones I wasn't invited to be in. My  exes are a motley crue of misfits and nairthewells, who were not invited either. 

White privledge comes up lots these days. Back 20 years plus ago if I didn't date white boys, I wouldn't have dated at all. But they were the ones with no social status, so dating me wouldn't threaten where they were in the food chain. They were at the bottom of their thing so they had nothing to lose by being with me. Real talk.

I don't want to date the 'guy that can't get a girl no matter how hard he tries.' He usually is quiet, and sweet seeming. Which is easy to fall into. I would always realize we didn't have much in common, and all the stuff I care about he knows nothing about whatsoever. I have to stop and explain shit to him constantly. Our friends are opposites, and would never be in the same room mingling together. He usually has no goals, no dreams and no drive. He tells me he loves me too often and how pretty I am so it starts to mean nothing. I wake up resenting him. The only thing between us is sex, and usually lots of it. He can't believe how much sex he's having so he loves me for it. He's a horrible dresser, and has no style or class. He is not charming, or witty and his humor is usually on the goofy side. He's pretty much an overgrown child, and I stand back and look and wonder what the fuck am I doing with this guy?

After my last breakup 20 something years ago I promised myself I wouldn't no matter how bad it got, no matter how lonely I wouldn't fall back into this pattern.

You guessed it.

It's happening again.

What usually precipitates it is a guy who won't give me the time of day. Treats me like a groupie, and keeps me at arms length. But tells me just enough what I want to hear to keep me around. I wanted to stop this pattern too. But I don't know why I can't seem to stop falling for men who WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. After way too much time waiting around for this fucker to care, some unassuming nerd happens along and BOOM! He's my boyfriend. It's like going from holding your breath, to getting an oxygen mask.

But then I have to stop myself.

Am I doing it again?

I would catch myself talking myself into liking this nerd. What else do you have to do? No one is beating down your door to take you ANYWHERE! You better get this dude on your team. Then I'd manufacture emotions that weren't there, mostly to please him and make him happy. If he was happy, then I was happy. But then I would think about what would really make me happy. He wouldn't be in there anywhere.

But what would happen...

If the nice guy this time had things in common with me. Was creative like me, was living for his art like me? What if we wanted the same things? Could I have REAL feelings this time? The irony that I am having problems with is that I am struggling to get a place and back on my feet and so is he. We are on identical playing fields. Is that good or bad? Women are always told that the man has to be able to support you, and pay for things. Men who aren't flush with cash are unattractive we are taught. But men are always screaming 'but what about who I am?' It goes both ways. Because a woman's currency is her looks. Men want the hottest chick in the room and she screams 'what about who I am?' I'm not a banging 10, and he's not rich. Am I all he can afford? Joking. He doesn't seem to be overly self conscious about his finances. He took me on a date to the movies. I can't even remember the last time a guy took me to the movies and paid. On our date we talked quite a bit. The more we talked, the more attracted I became to him. I drove him to the train station and he shared an epiphany with me. It was a very passionate plea to stay the course and believe. That was it for me. I was hooked.

I felt silly. I wanted more of him. I felt had.

I couldn't stop thinking about him after. I asked if I could drop by his work on the weekend. He said let him know when. I can't wait. But I feel like I have to be cool. Not blow it. Or unleash on him.

I am a little scared.

I don't want to screw it up.

New Year's Bombshell!

Every new year people scramble to put together the identical list of shit that they didn't do last year for this year.

If I would say "This year I will gain 10 more pounds" I would have reached that goal. For the past 10 years. I can't put myself through the 'I'm going to lose the weight' fiasco.

But I did have to look back and be honest about some shit.

One of my oldest friends wanted to have a workout buddy at the gym in his building. We went once. Even when I was there he didn't seem to be into it at all. We lasted maybe 30 minutes and it was boring torture. I had to admit that after being at a bootcamp, a treadmill and a couple of hand weights isn't going to cut it.

Also I had to get real about the on line dating thing. 

It's not happening.

It's always been the assessment that black women are the most unwanted in the universe. Universe meaning on line. You get those stats on your page, likes, views, and then messages. I get a steady stream of views and even likes, never any messages. Well not the messages that would reflect the likes I am always getting. Sitting around wondering why isn't the best use of my time. 

The messages I would get would be either one or two words. 
"hi". which I would use the same amount of effort to answer "hi" and the end of conversation. 

Then there would be the windbag cut and paste fake. Who would go on and on about my beauty and how much he wants to meet me, or be by my side or this or that inappropriate bullshit. It's creepy, stop it. 

Then there is the guy who claims he lives in town but is out of town right now, but will be back in a week or two. A week or two passes and he still isn't back. This can go on for months. Not that I would wait around months. The moment I find out you aren't in town I am done. If you can't meet me and take me out what is the point?

There was one app where 4 men made dates with me, and 4 men never bothered to show up. This is the fuckery that is on tap today.

So.

I'm done.

No more on line dating. No apps. Nothing. I deleted all profiles, and apps. I am done trying to meet someone on line. I got sick of men falling in love with my picture and then meeting me and acting like I am someone totally different. Um no, you just spent too much time staring at my picture and building this idea of who you thought I was. It's pretty common.  

It makes me tired.

I can't do this anymore. It's too depressing. It's too disrespectful to who I am to have to ask a man more than once for anything. Or pretend to be involved with a guy I had sex with two years ago, who only texts now and uses his sick mom as the catchall. You can't argue with a sick mom. I feel like a terrible person because I don't want to compete with a sick mom, and just want to stop dealing with him completely because it's such a struggle to spend time with me. 

It shouldn't be a struggle to spend time with someone you like.

That is the bottom line.

So no more.

The guy I was crushing on all year, done. No longer interested. He made no moves all year, and I shouldn't have to wait a year for A N Y T H I N G. I'm starting to resent him. Imagine smacking the shit out of him and telling him to get it the fuck together and stop playing. Be a goddamned man and grow the fuck up.
Sick of mommas boys.


I went to see the movie FENCES over the Christmas holiday. Not the be the spoiler but the twist of the film was basically just this. A man who got tired of the day to day grind, and wanted to escape by being with that woman whom he was not obligated to. Not worrying about bills or raising kids. Of course it is a slap in the face of the woman who stuck by his side all these years. But it just seems like they all have excuses why they can't be there for you. ALL OF THEM.

A man I met on line three years ago after a month started telling me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. He had health problems and was in the hospital for months at a time. It was up to his mother to hold down his apartment and bills for him while he was in the hospital. So they pretty much live together because of this. He shoots video on the weekends so he doesn't have time to see me on the weekend. I hadn't heard from him for a year. I assumed he died or something. He wasn't dead. Just perpetually broke. So he stayed away. He texts on Christmas and New Years. This is not something I want to continue in the new year. Just don't. I deserve more and better. These text relationships are not real nor are they enough. If I wanted to be in an actual relationship they are a slap in the face.

Women have always been shamed by society for being single past a certain age, and childless. A man can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's fine. I thought for a long time that having short very passionate relationships with interesting and talented men would be a great way to live. You never have a chance to get bored or feel trapped by the daily stuff. You can still be yourself and deal with them when you want. 

I feel like to have this, I have much to do. Because I am not going to be this basic housewife type, waiting for hubby to come home and ignore me. Until it's time for sex or food of course. To have my own life is what I always wanted. Now to make it count is what this year is about.

To get my on line businesses off the ground and making money so I can get the rest of myself in order. Pay for the workouts I want, the clean food I need to be eating, the skin treatments, the suppliments for my heath I want. To live where I want. To go to the shows and events I want. To increase the likelyhood of meeting someone IRL so I don't have to put up with shenannigans on line from strangers.

It's not going to change the concept of worthy men being afraid to approach me. Bums will approach in me a heartbeat. Mostly because they want money, but also they talk to me like we are on the same level. It's a slippery slope when talking about people who are homeless because you don't want to sound like a total snob; like you are better than they are. Or how DARE they compare themselves to you. 

But

How does a man who doesn't bathe regularly, see me and think "I have a shot at that."? Is it because I don't wear make up regulary and have not that great skin? They assume I am on drugs so then they can talk to me? I don't know what it is but whatever it is I have to make it stop. Actual dateable men will not approach me. I don't think they can see me even. This is a problem. I have to do something about.

I have to work on me.

Period.