Since my new years declaration, I have spent lots of time meditating on what a relationship is and means. Women of another era would have me believe I was dead already. I started wondering about sex, and how it's going to come about. I felt like I am supposed to be ashamed that I want to be in a committed relationship so the sex can be great because I can show my feelings. I am exhausted having to hide my emotions constantly. I don't want to do it anymore.
I spent time pouring over the circumstances of all my past relationships, and the ones I wasn't invited to be in. My exes are a motley crue of misfits and nairthewells, who were not invited either.
White privledge comes up lots these days. Back 20 years plus ago if I didn't date white boys, I wouldn't have dated at all. But they were the ones with no social status, so dating me wouldn't threaten where they were in the food chain. They were at the bottom of their thing so they had nothing to lose by being with me. Real talk.
I don't want to date the 'guy that can't get a girl no matter how hard he tries.' He usually is quiet, and sweet seeming. Which is easy to fall into. I would always realize we didn't have much in common, and all the stuff I care about he knows nothing about whatsoever. I have to stop and explain shit to him constantly. Our friends are opposites, and would never be in the same room mingling together. He usually has no goals, no dreams and no drive. He tells me he loves me too often and how pretty I am so it starts to mean nothing. I wake up resenting him. The only thing between us is sex, and usually lots of it. He can't believe how much sex he's having so he loves me for it. He's a horrible dresser, and has no style or class. He is not charming, or witty and his humor is usually on the goofy side. He's pretty much an overgrown child, and I stand back and look and wonder what the fuck am I doing with this guy?
After my last breakup 20 something years ago I promised myself I wouldn't no matter how bad it got, no matter how lonely I wouldn't fall back into this pattern.
You guessed it.
It's happening again.
What usually precipitates it is a guy who won't give me the time of day. Treats me like a groupie, and keeps me at arms length. But tells me just enough what I want to hear to keep me around. I wanted to stop this pattern too. But I don't know why I can't seem to stop falling for men who WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. After way too much time waiting around for this fucker to care, some unassuming nerd happens along and BOOM! He's my boyfriend. It's like going from holding your breath, to getting an oxygen mask.
But then I have to stop myself.
Am I doing it again?
I would catch myself talking myself into liking this nerd. What else do you have to do? No one is beating down your door to take you ANYWHERE! You better get this dude on your team. Then I'd manufacture emotions that weren't there, mostly to please him and make him happy. If he was happy, then I was happy. But then I would think about what would really make me happy. He wouldn't be in there anywhere.
But what would happen...
If the nice guy this time had things in common with me. Was creative like me, was living for his art like me? What if we wanted the same things? Could I have REAL feelings this time? The irony that I am having problems with is that I am struggling to get a place and back on my feet and so is he. We are on identical playing fields. Is that good or bad? Women are always told that the man has to be able to support you, and pay for things. Men who aren't flush with cash are unattractive we are taught. But men are always screaming 'but what about who I am?' It goes both ways. Because a woman's currency is her looks. Men want the hottest chick in the room and she screams 'what about who I am?' I'm not a banging 10, and he's not rich. Am I all he can afford? Joking. He doesn't seem to be overly self conscious about his finances. He took me on a date to the movies. I can't even remember the last time a guy took me to the movies and paid. On our date we talked quite a bit. The more we talked, the more attracted I became to him. I drove him to the train station and he shared an epiphany with me. It was a very passionate plea to stay the course and believe. That was it for me. I was hooked.
I felt silly. I wanted more of him. I felt had.
I couldn't stop thinking about him after. I asked if I could drop by his work on the weekend. He said let him know when. I can't wait. But I feel like I have to be cool. Not blow it. Or unleash on him.
I am a little scared.
I don't want to screw it up.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
New Year's Bombshell!
Every new year people scramble to put together the identical list of shit that they didn't do last year for this year.
If I would say "This year I will gain 10 more pounds" I would have reached that goal. For the past 10 years. I can't put myself through the 'I'm going to lose the weight' fiasco.
But I did have to look back and be honest about some shit.
One of my oldest friends wanted to have a workout buddy at the gym in his building. We went once. Even when I was there he didn't seem to be into it at all. We lasted maybe 30 minutes and it was boring torture. I had to admit that after being at a bootcamp, a treadmill and a couple of hand weights isn't going to cut it.
Also I had to get real about the on line dating thing.
It's not happening.
It's always been the assessment that black women are the most unwanted in the universe. Universe meaning on line. You get those stats on your page, likes, views, and then messages. I get a steady stream of views and even likes, never any messages. Well not the messages that would reflect the likes I am always getting. Sitting around wondering why isn't the best use of my time.
The messages I would get would be either one or two words.
"hi". which I would use the same amount of effort to answer "hi" and the end of conversation.
Then there would be the windbag cut and paste fake. Who would go on and on about my beauty and how much he wants to meet me, or be by my side or this or that inappropriate bullshit. It's creepy, stop it.
Then there is the guy who claims he lives in town but is out of town right now, but will be back in a week or two. A week or two passes and he still isn't back. This can go on for months. Not that I would wait around months. The moment I find out you aren't in town I am done. If you can't meet me and take me out what is the point?
There was one app where 4 men made dates with me, and 4 men never bothered to show up. This is the fuckery that is on tap today.
So.
I'm done.
No more on line dating. No apps. Nothing. I deleted all profiles, and apps. I am done trying to meet someone on line. I got sick of men falling in love with my picture and then meeting me and acting like I am someone totally different. Um no, you just spent too much time staring at my picture and building this idea of who you thought I was. It's pretty common.
It makes me tired.
I can't do this anymore. It's too depressing. It's too disrespectful to who I am to have to ask a man more than once for anything. Or pretend to be involved with a guy I had sex with two years ago, who only texts now and uses his sick mom as the catchall. You can't argue with a sick mom. I feel like a terrible person because I don't want to compete with a sick mom, and just want to stop dealing with him completely because it's such a struggle to spend time with me.
It shouldn't be a struggle to spend time with someone you like.
That is the bottom line.
So no more.
The guy I was crushing on all year, done. No longer interested. He made no moves all year, and I shouldn't have to wait a year for A N Y T H I N G. I'm starting to resent him. Imagine smacking the shit out of him and telling him to get it the fuck together and stop playing. Be a goddamned man and grow the fuck up.
Sick of mommas boys.
I went to see the movie FENCES over the Christmas holiday. Not the be the spoiler but the twist of the film was basically just this. A man who got tired of the day to day grind, and wanted to escape by being with that woman whom he was not obligated to. Not worrying about bills or raising kids. Of course it is a slap in the face of the woman who stuck by his side all these years. But it just seems like they all have excuses why they can't be there for you. ALL OF THEM.
A man I met on line three years ago after a month started telling me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. He had health problems and was in the hospital for months at a time. It was up to his mother to hold down his apartment and bills for him while he was in the hospital. So they pretty much live together because of this. He shoots video on the weekends so he doesn't have time to see me on the weekend. I hadn't heard from him for a year. I assumed he died or something. He wasn't dead. Just perpetually broke. So he stayed away. He texts on Christmas and New Years. This is not something I want to continue in the new year. Just don't. I deserve more and better. These text relationships are not real nor are they enough. If I wanted to be in an actual relationship they are a slap in the face.
Women have always been shamed by society for being single past a certain age, and childless. A man can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's fine. I thought for a long time that having short very passionate relationships with interesting and talented men would be a great way to live. You never have a chance to get bored or feel trapped by the daily stuff. You can still be yourself and deal with them when you want.
I feel like to have this, I have much to do. Because I am not going to be this basic housewife type, waiting for hubby to come home and ignore me. Until it's time for sex or food of course. To have my own life is what I always wanted. Now to make it count is what this year is about.
To get my on line businesses off the ground and making money so I can get the rest of myself in order. Pay for the workouts I want, the clean food I need to be eating, the skin treatments, the suppliments for my heath I want. To live where I want. To go to the shows and events I want. To increase the likelyhood of meeting someone IRL so I don't have to put up with shenannigans on line from strangers.
It's not going to change the concept of worthy men being afraid to approach me. Bums will approach in me a heartbeat. Mostly because they want money, but also they talk to me like we are on the same level. It's a slippery slope when talking about people who are homeless because you don't want to sound like a total snob; like you are better than they are. Or how DARE they compare themselves to you.
But
How does a man who doesn't bathe regularly, see me and think "I have a shot at that."? Is it because I don't wear make up regulary and have not that great skin? They assume I am on drugs so then they can talk to me? I don't know what it is but whatever it is I have to make it stop. Actual dateable men will not approach me. I don't think they can see me even. This is a problem. I have to do something about.
I have to work on me.
Period.
If I would say "This year I will gain 10 more pounds" I would have reached that goal. For the past 10 years. I can't put myself through the 'I'm going to lose the weight' fiasco.
But I did have to look back and be honest about some shit.
One of my oldest friends wanted to have a workout buddy at the gym in his building. We went once. Even when I was there he didn't seem to be into it at all. We lasted maybe 30 minutes and it was boring torture. I had to admit that after being at a bootcamp, a treadmill and a couple of hand weights isn't going to cut it.
Also I had to get real about the on line dating thing.
It's not happening.
It's always been the assessment that black women are the most unwanted in the universe. Universe meaning on line. You get those stats on your page, likes, views, and then messages. I get a steady stream of views and even likes, never any messages. Well not the messages that would reflect the likes I am always getting. Sitting around wondering why isn't the best use of my time.
The messages I would get would be either one or two words.
"hi". which I would use the same amount of effort to answer "hi" and the end of conversation.
Then there would be the windbag cut and paste fake. Who would go on and on about my beauty and how much he wants to meet me, or be by my side or this or that inappropriate bullshit. It's creepy, stop it.
Then there is the guy who claims he lives in town but is out of town right now, but will be back in a week or two. A week or two passes and he still isn't back. This can go on for months. Not that I would wait around months. The moment I find out you aren't in town I am done. If you can't meet me and take me out what is the point?
There was one app where 4 men made dates with me, and 4 men never bothered to show up. This is the fuckery that is on tap today.
So.
I'm done.
No more on line dating. No apps. Nothing. I deleted all profiles, and apps. I am done trying to meet someone on line. I got sick of men falling in love with my picture and then meeting me and acting like I am someone totally different. Um no, you just spent too much time staring at my picture and building this idea of who you thought I was. It's pretty common.
It makes me tired.
I can't do this anymore. It's too depressing. It's too disrespectful to who I am to have to ask a man more than once for anything. Or pretend to be involved with a guy I had sex with two years ago, who only texts now and uses his sick mom as the catchall. You can't argue with a sick mom. I feel like a terrible person because I don't want to compete with a sick mom, and just want to stop dealing with him completely because it's such a struggle to spend time with me.
It shouldn't be a struggle to spend time with someone you like.
That is the bottom line.
So no more.
The guy I was crushing on all year, done. No longer interested. He made no moves all year, and I shouldn't have to wait a year for A N Y T H I N G. I'm starting to resent him. Imagine smacking the shit out of him and telling him to get it the fuck together and stop playing. Be a goddamned man and grow the fuck up.
Sick of mommas boys.
I went to see the movie FENCES over the Christmas holiday. Not the be the spoiler but the twist of the film was basically just this. A man who got tired of the day to day grind, and wanted to escape by being with that woman whom he was not obligated to. Not worrying about bills or raising kids. Of course it is a slap in the face of the woman who stuck by his side all these years. But it just seems like they all have excuses why they can't be there for you. ALL OF THEM.
A man I met on line three years ago after a month started telling me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. He had health problems and was in the hospital for months at a time. It was up to his mother to hold down his apartment and bills for him while he was in the hospital. So they pretty much live together because of this. He shoots video on the weekends so he doesn't have time to see me on the weekend. I hadn't heard from him for a year. I assumed he died or something. He wasn't dead. Just perpetually broke. So he stayed away. He texts on Christmas and New Years. This is not something I want to continue in the new year. Just don't. I deserve more and better. These text relationships are not real nor are they enough. If I wanted to be in an actual relationship they are a slap in the face.
Women have always been shamed by society for being single past a certain age, and childless. A man can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's fine. I thought for a long time that having short very passionate relationships with interesting and talented men would be a great way to live. You never have a chance to get bored or feel trapped by the daily stuff. You can still be yourself and deal with them when you want.
To get my on line businesses off the ground and making money so I can get the rest of myself in order. Pay for the workouts I want, the clean food I need to be eating, the skin treatments, the suppliments for my heath I want. To live where I want. To go to the shows and events I want. To increase the likelyhood of meeting someone IRL so I don't have to put up with shenannigans on line from strangers.
It's not going to change the concept of worthy men being afraid to approach me. Bums will approach in me a heartbeat. Mostly because they want money, but also they talk to me like we are on the same level. It's a slippery slope when talking about people who are homeless because you don't want to sound like a total snob; like you are better than they are. Or how DARE they compare themselves to you.
But
How does a man who doesn't bathe regularly, see me and think "I have a shot at that."? Is it because I don't wear make up regulary and have not that great skin? They assume I am on drugs so then they can talk to me? I don't know what it is but whatever it is I have to make it stop. Actual dateable men will not approach me. I don't think they can see me even. This is a problem. I have to do something about.
I have to work on me.
Period.
Monday, December 19, 2016
I could be in love pt 3
When I was younger, I liked making gifts for people. I loved spending hours thinking of ideas and putting them together in this amazing present for the object of my desire.
Once Christmas, a man who I had been in love with (alone) for four years got a box of all sorts of candies, mixed with clear jewel cases sprinkled with glitter shapes and long tapes like measuring tape with poems written on them, I also burned CDs and stuck in there. I was especially proud of how well it turned out. I covered the box in photos of bands we liked, and made a big bow out of denim.
He loved the gift. He liked the chocolates not so much the other flavors. But he really liked it a lot. I didn't win him with it. But I liked that I made his day.
I would later find out from 'dating experts' that doing this sort of thing lowered my value as a woman, and made me undesireable to my object of affection; no matter how cool the gift was, or how well thought out the poems were. If I was going to get guys to like me, I had to stop doing this immediately.
I haven't given a man a gift in over a decade. The experts say if you are involved in a relationship with a dude, go ahead and give. But if you aren't and want to be, don't do it.
My current crush asked me in passing if I had anything lying around the shop that he could wear to a birthday party. Something to go with the camoflage pants he was already wearing. I wasn't sure but I said I'd check. He seemed anxious. So I told him not to worry, I'd find something.
I'd been secretly plotting to make him some shirts anyway. We talk about clothes often, and he's mentioned what he likes.I had three shirts made. He text me a picture of a sweater he liked that we made. I told him we had a black one, and he said cool. He was busy that day so he said he didn't know if he'd have time to come down to the shop and pick it up. I was busy working so I couldn't stop and get it to him before 5. We missed the connection. But I told him I would bring the sweater in on Monday.
Over the weekend I kept looking at the box with the 3 shirts and sweater. I wanted to burn CDs of hip hop I liked, and put in chocolates. ( I know he likes chocolate ) and write a letter telling him how I feel.
It took all of my will NOT to do this.
I simply wrapped the box in foil paper. No card, not nothing.
When I went into the store Monday I put the box on his desk, he looked surprised. He asked what it was. I said it was a gift for him. I was also there to pay for our hats from last week. He was a little flustered when he sat down and said so. I thought it was cute. He said he was taken a back. I was happy that he was happy.
Then he said it again:
"I love you girl." Then he came around the desk and hugged me.
He said he'd get me something. I didn't expect that. But I don't want him to get me something. I want us to go out and spend time together. That's it. I didn't say that outloud. His mom is always lurking close.
How to get what I want is the next issue....
Once Christmas, a man who I had been in love with (alone) for four years got a box of all sorts of candies, mixed with clear jewel cases sprinkled with glitter shapes and long tapes like measuring tape with poems written on them, I also burned CDs and stuck in there. I was especially proud of how well it turned out. I covered the box in photos of bands we liked, and made a big bow out of denim.
He loved the gift. He liked the chocolates not so much the other flavors. But he really liked it a lot. I didn't win him with it. But I liked that I made his day.
I would later find out from 'dating experts' that doing this sort of thing lowered my value as a woman, and made me undesireable to my object of affection; no matter how cool the gift was, or how well thought out the poems were. If I was going to get guys to like me, I had to stop doing this immediately.
I haven't given a man a gift in over a decade. The experts say if you are involved in a relationship with a dude, go ahead and give. But if you aren't and want to be, don't do it.
My current crush asked me in passing if I had anything lying around the shop that he could wear to a birthday party. Something to go with the camoflage pants he was already wearing. I wasn't sure but I said I'd check. He seemed anxious. So I told him not to worry, I'd find something.
I'd been secretly plotting to make him some shirts anyway. We talk about clothes often, and he's mentioned what he likes.I had three shirts made. He text me a picture of a sweater he liked that we made. I told him we had a black one, and he said cool. He was busy that day so he said he didn't know if he'd have time to come down to the shop and pick it up. I was busy working so I couldn't stop and get it to him before 5. We missed the connection. But I told him I would bring the sweater in on Monday.
Over the weekend I kept looking at the box with the 3 shirts and sweater. I wanted to burn CDs of hip hop I liked, and put in chocolates. ( I know he likes chocolate ) and write a letter telling him how I feel.
It took all of my will NOT to do this.
I simply wrapped the box in foil paper. No card, not nothing.
When I went into the store Monday I put the box on his desk, he looked surprised. He asked what it was. I said it was a gift for him. I was also there to pay for our hats from last week. He was a little flustered when he sat down and said so. I thought it was cute. He said he was taken a back. I was happy that he was happy.
Then he said it again:
"I love you girl." Then he came around the desk and hugged me.
He said he'd get me something. I didn't expect that. But I don't want him to get me something. I want us to go out and spend time together. That's it. I didn't say that outloud. His mom is always lurking close.
How to get what I want is the next issue....
Thursday, December 8, 2016
On Line SHENANNIGANZ!
I think in 2016 we have all pretty much decided what dating sites we will mess with and which ones we won't. It seems like a merry go round at this point. Deleting apps, downloading apps. It's almost like a jokey security blanket we singles (and some not singles) use to verify that we are still somewhat attractive to those who we wish to attract.
I think now people really are stifled to the point of not really wanting to meet anyone. They just want to know they could meet someone, with no real intention on following through. I am finding more and more men on dating sites to be in relationships already, that they claim are open. Yeah right, does SHE know it's open? Or guys who are millenial and have ZERO clue what courtship is. It's gimmie.
I have felt a shift in the past say 7 years or so in men's attitudes about dating and relationships. I think men have always catagorized women in an imaginary hierarchy and have made that dreamgirl the top one, that he will never attain but every woman he meets has to compete with. For instance if he wants a woman who is like Kim K, he's always going to be attracted to that type even if he can never get her attention much less date her. This will be his ideal. How much energy you get from him is determined by your proximity to Kim Ks looks. He can keep this up his entire life, and will either marry a Kim K look alike, or spend his life putting every woman he meets through the paces of not being good enough because she doesn't look like that.
I have also noticed that men don't care about boundaries. I have always had a feeling that disrespect would be something typical because I am black. That I don't deserve respect, dignity or the right to say NO. Which is bullshit of course. But it was something implied throughout my life. I don't get a choice in who I date, sleep with or have a relationship with. I better take what I can get. I don't get to have standards, or even a dream guy. I am supposed to be a vending machine for men. Whatever they want I am supposed to prodouce no questions asked and more importantly, nothing expected in return.
When I stand against this attitude, I have been mocked and attempts at humiliating me into changing my mind have been thwarted. I don't spin a few sentences to a man on line and then chuck him my phone number or facebook ID. I know NOTHING about you. You could be a professional stalker for all I know. You might spend your days researching womens lives so you can eventually murder them. YOU WILL NOT HUMILIATE ME OUT OF CARING ABOUT MY SAFETY!!!
My privacy is part of that safety. I don't just let random strangers in. If you feel you don't need to earn your way in, then see your way out. To me that shows an attitude of entitlement. I don't rock with that. You don't get to decide my worth. I set that. Some men have issue with this. So I don't deal with many.
There is also a rash of men who have not mastered the art of conversation. This could be a BIG REASON they are single. They have nothing to say, no opinions, no jokes nothing. Super boring on line so why would I ever want to meet you?
Then you have to constant sexual innuendo dude.
You could have been cool, but you always want to talk sex. Which makes me think that if I met you, that is all you would want. You would put lots of pressure on me to have sex, and I might end up having to mace your dumb ass. Some dudes can't tone it down so they can never get it poppin.
Then there is the plug and play guy. He wants an instant relationship. These are the knuckleheads you see on catfish all the damn time. They say 'I love you' before they have even run an eyeball cross you. Really dude? Thirsty much? Or they can't stop saying how pretty you are. You are too pretty to be single. How come someone so pretty doesn't have a man?
LET SEE....
Cause pretty girls intimidate boys.
And if you go on and on and on about my looks, I think something is wrong with you. I start to feel trapped by your expectation of me to be this glowing goddess whos supposed to grant all of your wishes. I just wish to kick you in your nuts for being such a dumbass. Men think telling a woman she is beautiful every 20 seconds is a good thing.
IT ISN'T!
It's smothering. It's panderific. It's insincere. It's cookie cutter bullshit. You gotta get it together. I think you don't have the ability to connect on a deeper level if all you want to talk about is pretty.
There was one guy, who was not quite in my preferred age range. But he was very attractive in a sort of cute guy, doesn't know it way. I kept seeing him on line so I spoke. We struck up a conversation about music, and it got pretty intense. He's a musician and lives in the area. Very good convo. Didn't get icky and innuendo-y at any time. So I thought this is a dude I could hang with. Then he asks me to lunch on Sunday. He offers several options for me to choose from. I pick one. He says great choice. I tell him I had a thing early in the day but I would find out when it was done then let him know. I IMd him the info. No answer.
I wait
No Answer
Sunday comes
Still no answer
Sunday is over
No answer
Monday
No Answer
Tuesday
No Answer
Wednesday, he comes with some story about having to give a friend a ride.
Really dude?
Granted, you don't know me. I'm pretty much a stranger. However, you set up a date with ME. You didn't have the decency to say anything for three days. Even when your 'friend' was begging for said ride. You didn't jump on your phone and say 'Hey this is happening, not gonna make it.'
You ghosted.
Then you felt bad.
I called bullshit on his ass. He insisted he was telling the truth. Over and over again.
I called bullshit over and over again.
He has tried to continue a conversation, but it's not really happening. Because I see this dude differently. As someone who wastes my time. No bueno.
Then a dude comes back from outer space. HMU on FB. Saying I was in his suggested friends feed.
I had just about gotten him clean out of my hair, and BAM!
So he gives me his new number, and we're off and texting again.
He was the 'good morning' text guy.
He made me swoon when he picked me up from work once.
No one had done that for me, I don't think ever.
We would go to the observatory and make out for hours. His kiss was....
I don't think I can even explain it. I just felt faint.
We got physical, and it was amazing.
I couldn't wait for more.
But I had no choice.
He is the good son, who is at everyone's beck and call which made it near impossible to see him regularly. Sick mother and all. I started to resent him, so I just pushed him off as see you when I see you.
I like the guy, but there is no room for me in his life.
The good morning and good night texts are mocking me. Because there will be no in between. I may never even see him again in person. I don't think efforts will be made on his end.
For instance.
We would go to the movies.
There is a movie out I wanted to see.
I asked if he was off Sunday
He says 'Sunday Works'
I was like cool.
So I am telling him the film and whatnot.
Sunday comes and he's acting like we have no plans.
He is confused
I tell him he told me Sunday Works.
He looks back in his texts.
He meant Sunday he works.
Miscommunication!
So it wasn't a blow off.
But I still didn't get to see him.
I feel like I have to beg to see him, so I don't even ask.
It makes me a little mad.
I feel like I am wasting time texting with him.
It's the virtual equivalent of being in an empty relationship.
But it's worse, because you don't even get to hug, kiss and have sex with the person.
It's just words on a phone.
We could sext, it's pretty hot.
Phone sex is too.
But it's not the real thing.....
sigh
I think now people really are stifled to the point of not really wanting to meet anyone. They just want to know they could meet someone, with no real intention on following through. I am finding more and more men on dating sites to be in relationships already, that they claim are open. Yeah right, does SHE know it's open? Or guys who are millenial and have ZERO clue what courtship is. It's gimmie.
I have felt a shift in the past say 7 years or so in men's attitudes about dating and relationships. I think men have always catagorized women in an imaginary hierarchy and have made that dreamgirl the top one, that he will never attain but every woman he meets has to compete with. For instance if he wants a woman who is like Kim K, he's always going to be attracted to that type even if he can never get her attention much less date her. This will be his ideal. How much energy you get from him is determined by your proximity to Kim Ks looks. He can keep this up his entire life, and will either marry a Kim K look alike, or spend his life putting every woman he meets through the paces of not being good enough because she doesn't look like that.
I have also noticed that men don't care about boundaries. I have always had a feeling that disrespect would be something typical because I am black. That I don't deserve respect, dignity or the right to say NO. Which is bullshit of course. But it was something implied throughout my life. I don't get a choice in who I date, sleep with or have a relationship with. I better take what I can get. I don't get to have standards, or even a dream guy. I am supposed to be a vending machine for men. Whatever they want I am supposed to prodouce no questions asked and more importantly, nothing expected in return.
When I stand against this attitude, I have been mocked and attempts at humiliating me into changing my mind have been thwarted. I don't spin a few sentences to a man on line and then chuck him my phone number or facebook ID. I know NOTHING about you. You could be a professional stalker for all I know. You might spend your days researching womens lives so you can eventually murder them. YOU WILL NOT HUMILIATE ME OUT OF CARING ABOUT MY SAFETY!!!
My privacy is part of that safety. I don't just let random strangers in. If you feel you don't need to earn your way in, then see your way out. To me that shows an attitude of entitlement. I don't rock with that. You don't get to decide my worth. I set that. Some men have issue with this. So I don't deal with many.
There is also a rash of men who have not mastered the art of conversation. This could be a BIG REASON they are single. They have nothing to say, no opinions, no jokes nothing. Super boring on line so why would I ever want to meet you?
Then you have to constant sexual innuendo dude.
You could have been cool, but you always want to talk sex. Which makes me think that if I met you, that is all you would want. You would put lots of pressure on me to have sex, and I might end up having to mace your dumb ass. Some dudes can't tone it down so they can never get it poppin.
Then there is the plug and play guy. He wants an instant relationship. These are the knuckleheads you see on catfish all the damn time. They say 'I love you' before they have even run an eyeball cross you. Really dude? Thirsty much? Or they can't stop saying how pretty you are. You are too pretty to be single. How come someone so pretty doesn't have a man?
LET SEE....
Cause pretty girls intimidate boys.
And if you go on and on and on about my looks, I think something is wrong with you. I start to feel trapped by your expectation of me to be this glowing goddess whos supposed to grant all of your wishes. I just wish to kick you in your nuts for being such a dumbass. Men think telling a woman she is beautiful every 20 seconds is a good thing.
IT ISN'T!
It's smothering. It's panderific. It's insincere. It's cookie cutter bullshit. You gotta get it together. I think you don't have the ability to connect on a deeper level if all you want to talk about is pretty.
There was one guy, who was not quite in my preferred age range. But he was very attractive in a sort of cute guy, doesn't know it way. I kept seeing him on line so I spoke. We struck up a conversation about music, and it got pretty intense. He's a musician and lives in the area. Very good convo. Didn't get icky and innuendo-y at any time. So I thought this is a dude I could hang with. Then he asks me to lunch on Sunday. He offers several options for me to choose from. I pick one. He says great choice. I tell him I had a thing early in the day but I would find out when it was done then let him know. I IMd him the info. No answer.
I wait
No Answer
Sunday comes
Still no answer
Sunday is over
No answer
Monday
No Answer
Tuesday
No Answer
Wednesday, he comes with some story about having to give a friend a ride.
Really dude?
Granted, you don't know me. I'm pretty much a stranger. However, you set up a date with ME. You didn't have the decency to say anything for three days. Even when your 'friend' was begging for said ride. You didn't jump on your phone and say 'Hey this is happening, not gonna make it.'
You ghosted.
Then you felt bad.
I called bullshit on his ass. He insisted he was telling the truth. Over and over again.
I called bullshit over and over again.
He has tried to continue a conversation, but it's not really happening. Because I see this dude differently. As someone who wastes my time. No bueno.
Then a dude comes back from outer space. HMU on FB. Saying I was in his suggested friends feed.
I had just about gotten him clean out of my hair, and BAM!
So he gives me his new number, and we're off and texting again.
He was the 'good morning' text guy.
He made me swoon when he picked me up from work once.
No one had done that for me, I don't think ever.
We would go to the observatory and make out for hours. His kiss was....
I don't think I can even explain it. I just felt faint.
We got physical, and it was amazing.
I couldn't wait for more.
But I had no choice.
He is the good son, who is at everyone's beck and call which made it near impossible to see him regularly. Sick mother and all. I started to resent him, so I just pushed him off as see you when I see you.
I like the guy, but there is no room for me in his life.
The good morning and good night texts are mocking me. Because there will be no in between. I may never even see him again in person. I don't think efforts will be made on his end.
For instance.
We would go to the movies.
There is a movie out I wanted to see.
I asked if he was off Sunday
He says 'Sunday Works'
I was like cool.
So I am telling him the film and whatnot.
Sunday comes and he's acting like we have no plans.
He is confused
I tell him he told me Sunday Works.
He looks back in his texts.
He meant Sunday he works.
Miscommunication!
So it wasn't a blow off.
But I still didn't get to see him.
I feel like I have to beg to see him, so I don't even ask.
It makes me a little mad.
I feel like I am wasting time texting with him.
It's the virtual equivalent of being in an empty relationship.
But it's worse, because you don't even get to hug, kiss and have sex with the person.
It's just words on a phone.
We could sext, it's pretty hot.
Phone sex is too.
But it's not the real thing.....
sigh
I could be in love---pt 2
Months have passed and I still go into the homies shop almost daily.
We visit when it's slow, and the other day we were talking about Prince. He mentioned that one of his homeboys loves Prince too, and I reminded him of him. He opened a facebook page to show me dude. To see if maybe I would want to meet him. All the pictures he showed me of dude he was in. I was busy looking at my crush. He asks 'Well what do you think?'
He aiiiight.
Just aiiiight?
Yeah. What else can he be standing next to you?
He blushes.
It's funny to see a man blush.
I launched into my baby boo thing, sprinkling him with compliments. 'Erybody fall back S is in the building.'
He's smiling ear to ear. He looks down, "That's my girl."
I do feel what I am saying as the gospel truth. To me he's gorgeous. I can't get enough of this dude. But I feel like I'm in perminant hold. He lives mad far away, and with moms, while he's saving for a 'nice place' as he put it. I don't feel like anything that I say or do will get him to spend time with me, just me. Outside of his work. It's a horrible place to be. But we frequently say things like 'You're the best.'
He admits to having a touch of anxiety. He said something about crowds, and being around a bunch of people he doesn't know. Like if you invite him to a party where he won't know anyone, he most likely won't go because it freaks him out. I told him to just think of it like he's been invited as the 'special guest.' If people look, that's why. He said he never thought of it that way.
I spend lots of time daydreaming about him. What life with him would be like. But I can't deny the facts. I'm on hold. Super extra hold.
The one time I could see him outside of work, it was at a function on skid row. It was a warm day, so the smell down there was disgusting. Gag worthy. There would be food, so I hadn't eaten before I went down. By the time I parked my car and walked down to the event I was good and nauseous. I saw him, and tried to play it off. He led me into a tent where there was food to eat and drinks. He told me to tell anyone who asks that I am with him. I wanted to hang around, but after I ate, my stomach was in knots, the smell was overwhelming me, and S was bouncing around everywhere. I just left.
When I caught up with him at work, he apolojised to me for being so busy. He hadn't really noticed I bounced. I guess he did, but maybe he thought it was because I wasn't getting his attention. I could have played it that way. But it wasn't a big deal either way. I am thinking more of a dinner and movie situation, not hanging on skid row. That's his thing. Working with a ministry that helps people out on skid row. You can't be mad at that. It's actually quite admirable. He used to be one of the people down there, so he knows of what he speaks. There are plenty of things on the surface to love about this man.
I want to know the man below the surface tho.
We visit when it's slow, and the other day we were talking about Prince. He mentioned that one of his homeboys loves Prince too, and I reminded him of him. He opened a facebook page to show me dude. To see if maybe I would want to meet him. All the pictures he showed me of dude he was in. I was busy looking at my crush. He asks 'Well what do you think?'
He aiiiight.
Just aiiiight?
Yeah. What else can he be standing next to you?
He blushes.
It's funny to see a man blush.
I launched into my baby boo thing, sprinkling him with compliments. 'Erybody fall back S is in the building.'
He's smiling ear to ear. He looks down, "That's my girl."
I do feel what I am saying as the gospel truth. To me he's gorgeous. I can't get enough of this dude. But I feel like I'm in perminant hold. He lives mad far away, and with moms, while he's saving for a 'nice place' as he put it. I don't feel like anything that I say or do will get him to spend time with me, just me. Outside of his work. It's a horrible place to be. But we frequently say things like 'You're the best.'
He admits to having a touch of anxiety. He said something about crowds, and being around a bunch of people he doesn't know. Like if you invite him to a party where he won't know anyone, he most likely won't go because it freaks him out. I told him to just think of it like he's been invited as the 'special guest.' If people look, that's why. He said he never thought of it that way.
I spend lots of time daydreaming about him. What life with him would be like. But I can't deny the facts. I'm on hold. Super extra hold.
The one time I could see him outside of work, it was at a function on skid row. It was a warm day, so the smell down there was disgusting. Gag worthy. There would be food, so I hadn't eaten before I went down. By the time I parked my car and walked down to the event I was good and nauseous. I saw him, and tried to play it off. He led me into a tent where there was food to eat and drinks. He told me to tell anyone who asks that I am with him. I wanted to hang around, but after I ate, my stomach was in knots, the smell was overwhelming me, and S was bouncing around everywhere. I just left.
When I caught up with him at work, he apolojised to me for being so busy. He hadn't really noticed I bounced. I guess he did, but maybe he thought it was because I wasn't getting his attention. I could have played it that way. But it wasn't a big deal either way. I am thinking more of a dinner and movie situation, not hanging on skid row. That's his thing. Working with a ministry that helps people out on skid row. You can't be mad at that. It's actually quite admirable. He used to be one of the people down there, so he knows of what he speaks. There are plenty of things on the surface to love about this man.
I want to know the man below the surface tho.
Monday, July 11, 2016
I could be in love
People would say that many people meet their partner at work. Me not so much. But I have a lot of day to day contact with men. It's just they happen to be either Asian or Mexican. Which there is nothing wrong with at all for me. I would date either one. It's just that culturally it's difficult to be accepted into their circle.
The places I frequent are fashion and fashion oriented family owned businesses. You go in and there are usually several family members working there. I see these men several times a week. Sometimes chit chat or have a laugh. Talk about the weather or the game. Simple stuff. But one man struck me right away. I think because he was dressed so nicely in his street gear. He usually has a black and white theme. Always fresh to death. That is a big draw for me from the beginning. Then he spoke, and had a voice like honey. Just a bit taller than I am, and really into hip hop. Over time I have tried to observe him as much as I could in my short trips. Sometimes friends come by to visit, and they are almost always black like I am. He is Chinese. His friends seem to be all into something creative. Making music, taking pictures or designing. Which is refreshing. He mentioned he grew up in the next county so his 'old friends' have yet to meet his 'new friends.' He wasn't sure if they would mesh, which caused me to be pensive.
I know he drinks coffee, and might smoke cigarettes. I don't think he smokes trees, because he's way too clear. I don't think he's taken, and I don't think he's got kids.
He orders clothes from my company and my boss gives him a discount. We do heavy business with his company and run a tab for a month at a time. So deep discounts is the least we can do. Once I brought him something and got a good price, he said and I quote:
"I love you."
I said what? He said it again. I was like okayyyyyyy. I was a little embarased because I am pretty sure he has no idea I am feeling him.
The next time I bought something same thing, and a side hug. I was fluttery. I tried to hide it. I don't dress fancy for work. Just a t shirt and skirt and sandals. Usually no makeup because the shop is hell hot. My hair is usually wild and crazy. So he's seen me at my worst. I'll walk in and he'll say 'You look nice.' and offer a hug. I'm melty.
On Friday I had to call and ask a question about the minimum I had to bring in for him to work on. The same day my car was broken into and my beloved sewing machine was stolen. I was heartbroken. I cried a bit. But by the time I spoke to him that afternoon, it was passing. I mentioned it to him and he consoled me. 'I'm so sorry that happened.' I tried to change the subject by asking how he was doing and feeling. 'Much better now that you called.'
I froze. WHAT? I smiled. I giggled. "Awwww that's sweet." I said. But I wondered if he really meant that, or if he says it to everyone. I imagined that he meant it. That he was crushing on me as hard as I am crushing on him. I couldn't shake it all weekend. The whole weekend I fantasized about him. About us dating, and going places. About laying around listening to music all afternoon and talking and getting to know each other. I wondered what it would be like to kiss him. I was obsessed all weekend.
I had to drop off an order and try and have it rushed for the next day; so I thought to put on makeup, do my hair and put on my best push up bra so I could look as good as possible. I was cute as a button, and he tells me 'I look great.' and hugs me on the side like he always does. (those safe, non sexual harassment hugs) He looked much more sexy than I remembered. His skin looked so kissable. I never noticed the little mole by his eye. Suddenly I was studying everything about him. At one point a pen dropped on the floor under his chair. I grabbed onto his arm as I bent over to pick it up. Swoony.
We chatted about the weekend, and one of his friends came in and wanted to show him something he created over the weekend. But first needed to charge his phone. I wanted him all to myself, but alas he's working. He gave me my receipts and I told him I'd see him later. "You're the best, you're a prince." I always tell him.
I want this man to ask me out. But I don't know how to get him to ask. I know he has tons of friends of color, but IDK if he dates that way too. I am a few years older as well. I am physically attracted to him obviously. But I want to know who this guy is. If he has what it takes to be a good partner or not. Because if not, I need to pack up my feelings and move on.
In the meantime I'll feel like a heartbroken teenager.
*Sigh*
The places I frequent are fashion and fashion oriented family owned businesses. You go in and there are usually several family members working there. I see these men several times a week. Sometimes chit chat or have a laugh. Talk about the weather or the game. Simple stuff. But one man struck me right away. I think because he was dressed so nicely in his street gear. He usually has a black and white theme. Always fresh to death. That is a big draw for me from the beginning. Then he spoke, and had a voice like honey. Just a bit taller than I am, and really into hip hop. Over time I have tried to observe him as much as I could in my short trips. Sometimes friends come by to visit, and they are almost always black like I am. He is Chinese. His friends seem to be all into something creative. Making music, taking pictures or designing. Which is refreshing. He mentioned he grew up in the next county so his 'old friends' have yet to meet his 'new friends.' He wasn't sure if they would mesh, which caused me to be pensive.
I know he drinks coffee, and might smoke cigarettes. I don't think he smokes trees, because he's way too clear. I don't think he's taken, and I don't think he's got kids.
He orders clothes from my company and my boss gives him a discount. We do heavy business with his company and run a tab for a month at a time. So deep discounts is the least we can do. Once I brought him something and got a good price, he said and I quote:
"I love you."
I said what? He said it again. I was like okayyyyyyy. I was a little embarased because I am pretty sure he has no idea I am feeling him.
The next time I bought something same thing, and a side hug. I was fluttery. I tried to hide it. I don't dress fancy for work. Just a t shirt and skirt and sandals. Usually no makeup because the shop is hell hot. My hair is usually wild and crazy. So he's seen me at my worst. I'll walk in and he'll say 'You look nice.' and offer a hug. I'm melty.
On Friday I had to call and ask a question about the minimum I had to bring in for him to work on. The same day my car was broken into and my beloved sewing machine was stolen. I was heartbroken. I cried a bit. But by the time I spoke to him that afternoon, it was passing. I mentioned it to him and he consoled me. 'I'm so sorry that happened.' I tried to change the subject by asking how he was doing and feeling. 'Much better now that you called.'
I froze. WHAT? I smiled. I giggled. "Awwww that's sweet." I said. But I wondered if he really meant that, or if he says it to everyone. I imagined that he meant it. That he was crushing on me as hard as I am crushing on him. I couldn't shake it all weekend. The whole weekend I fantasized about him. About us dating, and going places. About laying around listening to music all afternoon and talking and getting to know each other. I wondered what it would be like to kiss him. I was obsessed all weekend.
I had to drop off an order and try and have it rushed for the next day; so I thought to put on makeup, do my hair and put on my best push up bra so I could look as good as possible. I was cute as a button, and he tells me 'I look great.' and hugs me on the side like he always does. (those safe, non sexual harassment hugs) He looked much more sexy than I remembered. His skin looked so kissable. I never noticed the little mole by his eye. Suddenly I was studying everything about him. At one point a pen dropped on the floor under his chair. I grabbed onto his arm as I bent over to pick it up. Swoony.
We chatted about the weekend, and one of his friends came in and wanted to show him something he created over the weekend. But first needed to charge his phone. I wanted him all to myself, but alas he's working. He gave me my receipts and I told him I'd see him later. "You're the best, you're a prince." I always tell him.
I want this man to ask me out. But I don't know how to get him to ask. I know he has tons of friends of color, but IDK if he dates that way too. I am a few years older as well. I am physically attracted to him obviously. But I want to know who this guy is. If he has what it takes to be a good partner or not. Because if not, I need to pack up my feelings and move on.
In the meantime I'll feel like a heartbroken teenager.
*Sigh*
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
This is the kind of insincere BS I have to put up with.....
He isn't bad looking. But he only has one pic on his profile so it's most likely fake. He's most likely not in LA either. He writes....
Hi pretty How r u doing ? it's said that men are meant to make the first move Umm , without asking u that i guess ur doing fine ,I'm james i seem to be new to this online thing.Wowowow , I'm sorry if my wowow scares u but i feel like i'm looking at an Heavenly sent right now , Lol . Ok , A question Could this be an Angel? Just a view on your page i feel cool .. some people have nice eyes, some have nice smiles, and some have faces but guess what?.. U have all of them, if angels were to be taxed ,i would be the highest taxpayer just for u ,Oh my Goodness i still can't take off my eyes from your pic , Well i guess i have to leave now , I just hope and pray to get back a message from u . I know i only see your picture i don't really know what your heart looks like but i would like to know thats,if you would like to know more about me as well ....You seem to be very interesting..I'm seeking a relationship Are you?.. you can E m a I l me at ......... xxxxxxxne@gmail.com And if u get my msg just Pls just E m a I l me back on my personal info I left Take care and stay blessed Yours Sincerely,james
not creepy at all.
EYEROLL
Hi pretty How r u doing ? it's said that men are meant to make the first move Umm , without asking u that i guess ur doing fine ,I'm james i seem to be new to this online thing.Wowowow , I'm sorry if my wowow scares u but i feel like i'm looking at an Heavenly sent right now , Lol . Ok , A question Could this be an Angel? Just a view on your page i feel cool .. some people have nice eyes, some have nice smiles, and some have faces but guess what?.. U have all of them, if angels were to be taxed ,i would be the highest taxpayer just for u ,Oh my Goodness i still can't take off my eyes from your pic , Well i guess i have to leave now , I just hope and pray to get back a message from u . I know i only see your picture i don't really know what your heart looks like but i would like to know thats,if you would like to know more about me as well ....You seem to be very interesting..I'm seeking a relationship Are you?.. you can E m a I l me at ......... xxxxxxxne@gmail.com And if u get my msg just Pls just E m a I l me back on my personal info I left Take care and stay blessed Yours Sincerely,james
not creepy at all.
EYEROLL
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