I tossed and turned most of the night.
I left the TV on, and woke up to a story about a football player who freaked out beat and kidnapped his girlfriend, ran over some kids in her car and was put in prison. Long story short he was found hung in his cell after a scuffle with a bunkmate who tried to kill him in the night. He subdued the guy in a choke hold but the guy ended up dying. He went on trial for that. The guy who attacked him had a shank. The football player flushed it so the other guy wouldn't get in trouble for it. But because there was no shank it looked like he had been the aggressor. So he was going to get more time. So after that he was found dead. His mom said he was murdered because when they gave her his personal affects in a sock was a note in someone elses hand writing saying "did you hear the one about the football player who hung himself with a sheet in his cell."
It was so fucking depressing. I had to put on a different movie after so I wouldn't dream about that.
But all night the phrase 'poop schedule' kept popping in my head.
I am behind his poop schedule.
I am lower that his poop.
I have to worry about him having to poop after dinner then getting tired.
In my whole life I have never had something this childish said to me.
Men have given me all kinds of excuses. I could write a book of them.
THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE.
This is an all time low.
This is the lowest point of my dating life.
I'm dating a retard.
Yes, I know that word isn't PC. But there is no other way to put it.
Personality disorder. Syndrome, spectrum disorder.
He's a fucking child.
I've reached my limit. I can't do it anymore.
I broke up with him twice before and he was like 'That's unfortunate.' Like a robot.
He'll be like a robot again.
I started wondering how much is syndrome, and how much is him being a hood rat. The kind of guy that is always withholding because it gives him power.
He barely kisses me.
He barely holds my hand.
He's never taken me to eat.
He's never gone down on me
He's never bought me a gift.
He's never paid me a compliment
He's never attended one of my events
He's never invited me to one of his
He's never available when I need him.
He leaves me waiting and waiting and waiting.
I wish a guy who looked like him did everything opposite of him. Had a car and his own place, money for dates and concert tickets, and follow through. Takes me out once a week. Sees me two or three times a week. Isn't some bullshit mommas boy who talks a game but is a liar.
This is the bottom of the barrel for me.
He acknowledged that he could lose me to someone else if he didn't get it together. But he's not actively trying to prevent that from happening.
It's as if his default setting is lose.
He's set to lose.
He does things on purpose so he will lose.
He doesn't try things.
He doesn't exert energy.
He doesn't rise to the occasion and grow.
He will never grow.
He's been trained not to.
He's the opposite of the man I want in my life.
I can't keep this up.
I'm ashamed I dealt with this for as long as I have.
I have become a cliche' dealing with him.
You truly can't love someone who loathes themselves.
It's pointless.
Most people loathe themselves.
That's why finding someone to have a HEALTHY relationship with is so hard.
You can find someone to be sick and sad with, in a snap.
But you who wants to grow with someone, be healthy and understood.
Good fucking luck.
I need to actively break free.
If he wants to chase me. Fine. Ill let him.
But not one more drop of love.
Not one more ounce of energy.
Not one more sitting here waiting on him and he doesn't show.
I deserve better.
I deserve the world.
I deserve respect.
He doesn't know how.
Monday, February 5, 2018
Sunday, February 4, 2018
POOP STORY
There is a moment of realization. Of being so deeply annoyed that you can't speak to the person.
It's bad enough he fucked me a month ago. The time after that was a joke. Funny thing after that last time that was good, I was thinking things were looking up for us physically. That I could finally get satisfaction from him eventually. But then a month past. I didn't sit quietly. I mentioned over and over he said he'd get there. Eventually he did.
He fell asleep for 3 hours. He snores LOUDLY! Which I don't mind because I do too. I finally don't have to be worried or ashamed about my snoring. Then a couple more days pass. He said he'd be back over Friday. He came over. We had some sex. But he's been fixated on me orgasming for him.
I explained the ways he could make that happen. He said he needed a snack to get his strength back to go again. I made a snack. He ate it. Watched TV, then got his stuff and went home. High and dry again. Which I am getting really tired of.
When we spoke he said he'd be over the next night.
He works pretty much every day. Which I get. (except Tuesday) Since I have been off technically he could spend the whole day with me. The previous Tuesday he just laid around the house and didn't get to mine till after 8pm. He did nothing all day. I didn't trip. How he wants to spend his time is his business. He's been depressed lately so I give him his space. I let him know I'm here for him. He said thank you.
Well....the next night came and I'm waiting for his eta. He texted he was in the bathroom. I was like ok. So he's getting ready to come over. An hour later he isn't texting he's on his way.
I was informed that he took a really big dump and it drained him so now he's ready for bed.
Really?
So now I have to be worried about his bowel movements?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!
The more I thought about this the more angry I got. Like really angry. Like put paws on him angry.
I have to be worried that he'll have to shit and won't show up? That this is the new catchall?
I could see if it was diarrhea. And he had to hang close to home. That would be different. This wasn't that. This was a normal thing that could happen every single day. I just kept playing it over and over and getting more and more angry. I imagined him laughing about it. Like he found the perfect excuse that I couldn't argue.
He said he'd be over the next night. He never text or called me like he was getting ready or on his way. So I didn't text him either. I haven't text all day. Neither has he. He's getting off work soon. I doubt he will text once he gets home either.
I am tired of him. Tired of feeling humiliated. Tired of feeling unappreciated. I know he has asbergers. But it's really making me feel like I don't want to feel. My life is far from perfect. I struggle a lot. Your partner should counter balance the the struggle, not cause you to struggle more. You see this bullshit on TV shows where a guy doesn't want to break up with a girl so he acts like a dick so she dumps him. I feel like that's what's happening. He's trying to get me to leave him. With his mother wife. He's never going to leave her. He's never going to expand his business. He's never going to progress as an adult.
Why did I walk into this? Why did I have to find him so attractive? Why did I have to get so curious about his talking shit about how good he is in bed. (which he is not) Why did I start fantasizing about how good we could be together? Physically he's super attractive to me. That's the hard part. I don't get attracted like this often. I just feel like he's adding to my burdens; not making them lighter. Not uplifting me. Not even being loving toward me. He's starving me. The longer I stay the emptier I get.
You say "I'll never be in that kind of relationship."
Then there you are. I don't feel like I have to pretend or lie or be someone else with him. We laugh like idiots sometimes. We talk about music and movies. I design shirts for him. ( I've never showed him ) They are part of the secret dreams I have about us. When I have fantasies when I am alone, he's the star. He's like dating the hot guy. But we all know the hot guy always treats his women like shit.
He has a personality disorder.
That's the bottom line.
Did I feel less attracted to him when I found out? No. But look where it's led me?
I know I can't go on and on like this.
I want 10,000 x more than he has to give.
A man can not have a lot of money, or his own place or car; but spoil you with his time and attention. Give you kisses and compliments. Sexy texts and great sex.
I'm getting NONE of that.
He's never complimented me.
He hasn't spent the night yet.
I shouldn't have to beg a man to spend the night.
He's said he wants to be numero uno, but he doesn't act like it.
I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!
It's bad enough he fucked me a month ago. The time after that was a joke. Funny thing after that last time that was good, I was thinking things were looking up for us physically. That I could finally get satisfaction from him eventually. But then a month past. I didn't sit quietly. I mentioned over and over he said he'd get there. Eventually he did.
He fell asleep for 3 hours. He snores LOUDLY! Which I don't mind because I do too. I finally don't have to be worried or ashamed about my snoring. Then a couple more days pass. He said he'd be back over Friday. He came over. We had some sex. But he's been fixated on me orgasming for him.
I explained the ways he could make that happen. He said he needed a snack to get his strength back to go again. I made a snack. He ate it. Watched TV, then got his stuff and went home. High and dry again. Which I am getting really tired of.
When we spoke he said he'd be over the next night.
He works pretty much every day. Which I get. (except Tuesday) Since I have been off technically he could spend the whole day with me. The previous Tuesday he just laid around the house and didn't get to mine till after 8pm. He did nothing all day. I didn't trip. How he wants to spend his time is his business. He's been depressed lately so I give him his space. I let him know I'm here for him. He said thank you.
Well....the next night came and I'm waiting for his eta. He texted he was in the bathroom. I was like ok. So he's getting ready to come over. An hour later he isn't texting he's on his way.
I was informed that he took a really big dump and it drained him so now he's ready for bed.
Really?
So now I have to be worried about his bowel movements?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!
The more I thought about this the more angry I got. Like really angry. Like put paws on him angry.
I have to be worried that he'll have to shit and won't show up? That this is the new catchall?
I could see if it was diarrhea. And he had to hang close to home. That would be different. This wasn't that. This was a normal thing that could happen every single day. I just kept playing it over and over and getting more and more angry. I imagined him laughing about it. Like he found the perfect excuse that I couldn't argue.
He said he'd be over the next night. He never text or called me like he was getting ready or on his way. So I didn't text him either. I haven't text all day. Neither has he. He's getting off work soon. I doubt he will text once he gets home either.
I am tired of him. Tired of feeling humiliated. Tired of feeling unappreciated. I know he has asbergers. But it's really making me feel like I don't want to feel. My life is far from perfect. I struggle a lot. Your partner should counter balance the the struggle, not cause you to struggle more. You see this bullshit on TV shows where a guy doesn't want to break up with a girl so he acts like a dick so she dumps him. I feel like that's what's happening. He's trying to get me to leave him. With his mother wife. He's never going to leave her. He's never going to expand his business. He's never going to progress as an adult.
Why did I walk into this? Why did I have to find him so attractive? Why did I have to get so curious about his talking shit about how good he is in bed. (which he is not) Why did I start fantasizing about how good we could be together? Physically he's super attractive to me. That's the hard part. I don't get attracted like this often. I just feel like he's adding to my burdens; not making them lighter. Not uplifting me. Not even being loving toward me. He's starving me. The longer I stay the emptier I get.
You say "I'll never be in that kind of relationship."
Then there you are. I don't feel like I have to pretend or lie or be someone else with him. We laugh like idiots sometimes. We talk about music and movies. I design shirts for him. ( I've never showed him ) They are part of the secret dreams I have about us. When I have fantasies when I am alone, he's the star. He's like dating the hot guy. But we all know the hot guy always treats his women like shit.
He has a personality disorder.
That's the bottom line.
Did I feel less attracted to him when I found out? No. But look where it's led me?
I know I can't go on and on like this.
I want 10,000 x more than he has to give.
A man can not have a lot of money, or his own place or car; but spoil you with his time and attention. Give you kisses and compliments. Sexy texts and great sex.
I'm getting NONE of that.
He's never complimented me.
He hasn't spent the night yet.
I shouldn't have to beg a man to spend the night.
He's said he wants to be numero uno, but he doesn't act like it.
I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Everythingbag
I was supposed to get a check for $1500 as my last check back on Jan 11. But it was for $700. I was owed a bunch of cash. It's a federal job so they don't cut checks for the difference. You have to wait till the next payday. They tell me to bring all my time cards back and copy them so the supervisor can make the adjustments and get my cash right.
So two weeks go by and I go back to get the rest of my money. There is no check. The timecards are still sitting in the same spot on the supervisors desk. Nothing was done. I had to go around and around. Long story short I still have to wait two more weeks to get paid. I am angry. I can't afford to ride the bus. I have $3 on my pass which I have to use to get to the welfare office. I may be able to get tokens from my worker.
I had so many plans for the money I worked for over the holidays.
1.) Make my down payment on my car.
2.) Get a dress form
3.) Invest in my bitcoin account
4.) Get my wardrobe in order.
5.) Get my apartment pulled together.
I got a few bucks in my bitcoin account. Because I didn't have food stamps I bought food. I got a little fabric. Paid bills. Then it was gone. Waiting for another check. When the check is short it's like you are still living paycheck to paycheck.
Everything was right down to the wire, so when I got my last check everything would be covered as far as bills. But since there was no check, there was no money in my account. So when my bills hit overdrawn. If I can't make a deposit by 9pm tonight, more fees. My account could be overdrawn by hundreds by the time I get paid.
I feel sick.
So two weeks go by and I go back to get the rest of my money. There is no check. The timecards are still sitting in the same spot on the supervisors desk. Nothing was done. I had to go around and around. Long story short I still have to wait two more weeks to get paid. I am angry. I can't afford to ride the bus. I have $3 on my pass which I have to use to get to the welfare office. I may be able to get tokens from my worker.
I had so many plans for the money I worked for over the holidays.
1.) Make my down payment on my car.
2.) Get a dress form
3.) Invest in my bitcoin account
4.) Get my wardrobe in order.
5.) Get my apartment pulled together.
I got a few bucks in my bitcoin account. Because I didn't have food stamps I bought food. I got a little fabric. Paid bills. Then it was gone. Waiting for another check. When the check is short it's like you are still living paycheck to paycheck.
Everything was right down to the wire, so when I got my last check everything would be covered as far as bills. But since there was no check, there was no money in my account. So when my bills hit overdrawn. If I can't make a deposit by 9pm tonight, more fees. My account could be overdrawn by hundreds by the time I get paid.
I feel sick.
Saturday, January 6, 2018
On and on
New Years eve was a bust. He didn't come over. I suspected it was because mom wouldn't let him drive.
I sense there is a struggle between them. Some black women who aren't in relationships use their grown sons as substitutes for husbands. It's gross. But I imagine she is jealous that he wants to be with me so she flexes to try and get between us.
There was one of those zodiac related why you suck at relationships article on line. I supposedly sabotage my relationships. I call straight 100% bullshit on this. I haven't been in a relationship that I wanted to be in or that met most of my needs. I don't see the point of loyalty to someone who is basically starving me out. Why should I.
My feelings for the painter are getting stronger and I feel like I have to cut the feelings with something else. I can't get by on a few hours a week. I need quality time to be with him. I told him that and he acts like he gets it, and I am still waiting around.
I got upset because he got a haircut before he went out tonight. Why does he have to look good before he goes out tonight? I got pissed off. He told me a week ago he was going out; but I have seen him 5 minutes this week. Be he's out having fun? I'd go out on my own but the job never paid me. I am flat broke. Not even bus faire. Which adds to my anger.
I can't handle the waiting. Or feeling like I'm not that important to him. He can't help it, but it doesn't change how I feel.
I can't wait to get a car so I can go where I want.
I sense there is a struggle between them. Some black women who aren't in relationships use their grown sons as substitutes for husbands. It's gross. But I imagine she is jealous that he wants to be with me so she flexes to try and get between us.
There was one of those zodiac related why you suck at relationships article on line. I supposedly sabotage my relationships. I call straight 100% bullshit on this. I haven't been in a relationship that I wanted to be in or that met most of my needs. I don't see the point of loyalty to someone who is basically starving me out. Why should I.
My feelings for the painter are getting stronger and I feel like I have to cut the feelings with something else. I can't get by on a few hours a week. I need quality time to be with him. I told him that and he acts like he gets it, and I am still waiting around.
I got upset because he got a haircut before he went out tonight. Why does he have to look good before he goes out tonight? I got pissed off. He told me a week ago he was going out; but I have seen him 5 minutes this week. Be he's out having fun? I'd go out on my own but the job never paid me. I am flat broke. Not even bus faire. Which adds to my anger.
I can't handle the waiting. Or feeling like I'm not that important to him. He can't help it, but it doesn't change how I feel.
I can't wait to get a car so I can go where I want.
Monday, December 25, 2017
Corner turned then crashed and burned
Saturday night is usually the night he will come over.
Well watch shows he hasn't seen, eat snacks and cuddle.
I feel like I love him because he's better and better looking every time I see him.
This last weekend it was really good.
I love his body so much. He kind of reminds me of this African statue my parents had of a warrior standing with a spear. He had a leaf over his junk.
Except for the low haircut and lack of spear and leaf he looks like this warrior. He poses by the side of my bed looking down at me. I feel shivers because he's so gorgeous. I can't believe my luck to be with someone this gorgeous. He tells me to take off everything. I do what he says.
Before I can catch my breath he has slung me sideways on the bed and he's between my legs. He's mine.
I'm devoured
I can't breathe
I am finally feeling him
Waves of passion are radiating from him
His vocals say how much he's enjoying me
After I felt like a corner had been turned
Happy inside
All week I thought of him.
We spoke on the phone every other day.
We said we couldn't wait to see each other
It's the Christmas season and he owns a business that does retail. His hours were getting longer and longer the closer to Christmas they got.
We planned for him to come over Christmas eve and sleep over then we'd wake up Christmas morning together.
I'd cook lots of food I'd be able to warm up, bought Champagne and got excited.
And nothing
I expected the shop would be open late.
But he got home and collapsed.
I text 'Are you dead?'
He said 'Almost'.
That was all I heard till 1pm Christmas day.
I text this morning 'what time coming over'
He says 'not sure.'
I call and he's at work
On Christmas day
He still has work to do.
His nephew from Oakland is in town so he wants to say hello to him.
Then after he will see me.
He's leaving the shop around 3.
so maybe by the normal time 10pm he'll be here.
We'll see
Well watch shows he hasn't seen, eat snacks and cuddle.
I feel like I love him because he's better and better looking every time I see him.
This last weekend it was really good.
I love his body so much. He kind of reminds me of this African statue my parents had of a warrior standing with a spear. He had a leaf over his junk.
Except for the low haircut and lack of spear and leaf he looks like this warrior. He poses by the side of my bed looking down at me. I feel shivers because he's so gorgeous. I can't believe my luck to be with someone this gorgeous. He tells me to take off everything. I do what he says.
Before I can catch my breath he has slung me sideways on the bed and he's between my legs. He's mine.
I'm devoured
I can't breathe
I am finally feeling him
Waves of passion are radiating from him
His vocals say how much he's enjoying me
After I felt like a corner had been turned
Happy inside
All week I thought of him.
We spoke on the phone every other day.
We said we couldn't wait to see each other
It's the Christmas season and he owns a business that does retail. His hours were getting longer and longer the closer to Christmas they got.
We planned for him to come over Christmas eve and sleep over then we'd wake up Christmas morning together.
I'd cook lots of food I'd be able to warm up, bought Champagne and got excited.
And nothing
I expected the shop would be open late.
But he got home and collapsed.
I text 'Are you dead?'
He said 'Almost'.
That was all I heard till 1pm Christmas day.
I text this morning 'what time coming over'
He says 'not sure.'
I call and he's at work
On Christmas day
He still has work to do.
His nephew from Oakland is in town so he wants to say hello to him.
Then after he will see me.
He's leaving the shop around 3.
so maybe by the normal time 10pm he'll be here.
We'll see
Monday, December 18, 2017
3 weeks down 3 to go
So I got to the job and it was OVERWHELMING!
You know that cartoon factory music you hear on bugs bunny? That's what it's like in the morning.
I wasn't used to standing for long periods of time. My feet hurt like I was going to be crippled for life. I wanted to cry a few times. It hurt so bad I didn't know if I could continue. I saw my plans going up in flames because of the pain. I was trying everything to keep going. But now three weeks in, I am okay.
Of course the supervisors noticed how slow I was moving and called me into the office about it. I just said I was in pain. I had to get used to it.
I am not working near as many hours as I originally thought.
I fucked up my first week and forgot to submit my hours. So they won't be paid till the end of the month. So my first check was small. Enough to pay the bills but not to buy presents. Or to get my apartment the way I want it.
Today I was feeling okay. I'll make it to end.
I just have to be smart.
You know that cartoon factory music you hear on bugs bunny? That's what it's like in the morning.
I wasn't used to standing for long periods of time. My feet hurt like I was going to be crippled for life. I wanted to cry a few times. It hurt so bad I didn't know if I could continue. I saw my plans going up in flames because of the pain. I was trying everything to keep going. But now three weeks in, I am okay.
Of course the supervisors noticed how slow I was moving and called me into the office about it. I just said I was in pain. I had to get used to it.
I am not working near as many hours as I originally thought.
I fucked up my first week and forgot to submit my hours. So they won't be paid till the end of the month. So my first check was small. Enough to pay the bills but not to buy presents. Or to get my apartment the way I want it.
Today I was feeling okay. I'll make it to end.
I just have to be smart.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Why does everything have to be such a fucking struggle?
I was supposed to start my new job tonight. It was a shock because we were originally told we had two days of training. But we ended up with only one. So at 4pm I am told I am working at 2am. So I am freaking out trying to figure out how much sleep I need. Plus I have to eat. I was anxious as hell.
I went to bed at 7. I laid in bed worrying I would oversleep. I figured I would get up at midnight, eat something get dressed pack lunch then call a lyft at 1am. Everything seemed cool. UNTIL....
I unknowingly I had the wrong address. I thought I was going to 900 S Alameda. Totally wrong spot. I spent an hour looking for something that didn't exist. I called a lyft to go home. The driver happened to get in my business and he knew where I was going for real. He turnt the meter off and took me. He hung out while I waited to get in. There were 4 buzzers and no one answered. I couldn't get in. Not to mention where this place is is spooky as hell. It's also right next to the twin towers. They let out the overflow inmates about this time of night. So I called another lyft. The first lyft driver waited with me cause it was spooky.
I came home and got on line to see what the fuck. I called the line is busy. I read the yelp reviews and they are awful. I'm super angry because now I am missing a day of pay. I have to go to the main office and tell them what happened and pray I am not fired.
I have been planning my escape though this job for weeks. Now it's here and I am anxious as hell. I want to get to the next level. I want my life to change. It's going to take cash. This cash is supposed to fuel my business ventures so I can have even more money coming in. So I can eat clean, get into dance class, afford supplements, get a car and work more for myself. Be free.
I am sick to my stomach because I don't know what I will do if this job drops me. I thought I had it figured out by getting this job. I just don't want to fail. When I was walking down the wrong street I was crying because I don't want to lose. I felt all my plans catching on fire. It seems that I have a knack for getting lost and losing out on things. I feel like my life is on the line now. I can't keep living the same life over and over. I need change.
pray for me
I went to bed at 7. I laid in bed worrying I would oversleep. I figured I would get up at midnight, eat something get dressed pack lunch then call a lyft at 1am. Everything seemed cool. UNTIL....
I unknowingly I had the wrong address. I thought I was going to 900 S Alameda. Totally wrong spot. I spent an hour looking for something that didn't exist. I called a lyft to go home. The driver happened to get in my business and he knew where I was going for real. He turnt the meter off and took me. He hung out while I waited to get in. There were 4 buzzers and no one answered. I couldn't get in. Not to mention where this place is is spooky as hell. It's also right next to the twin towers. They let out the overflow inmates about this time of night. So I called another lyft. The first lyft driver waited with me cause it was spooky.
I came home and got on line to see what the fuck. I called the line is busy. I read the yelp reviews and they are awful. I'm super angry because now I am missing a day of pay. I have to go to the main office and tell them what happened and pray I am not fired.
I have been planning my escape though this job for weeks. Now it's here and I am anxious as hell. I want to get to the next level. I want my life to change. It's going to take cash. This cash is supposed to fuel my business ventures so I can have even more money coming in. So I can eat clean, get into dance class, afford supplements, get a car and work more for myself. Be free.
I am sick to my stomach because I don't know what I will do if this job drops me. I thought I had it figured out by getting this job. I just don't want to fail. When I was walking down the wrong street I was crying because I don't want to lose. I felt all my plans catching on fire. It seems that I have a knack for getting lost and losing out on things. I feel like my life is on the line now. I can't keep living the same life over and over. I need change.
pray for me
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