Whilst we were killing time at his shop he asked if I'd seen an article on our shared site about a woman who had been raped but took selfies and posted them before calling the police.
I'd read all about this attention w*ore.
Now usually as a woman, when you hear about another woman being attacked or sexually assaulted, you automatically fly into defend mode and start screaming and yelling for justice and someones balls on a platter.
Usually.
You don't ever say it was how she was dressed, or how much she had to drink that caused it. A man needs to keep his hands and other appendages to himself.
However in this twisted case this woman was living abroad. A man in her building was consistently trying to get her attention. She didn't give it to him. He kept trying, she told him she had a boyfriend. Which was true.
One night her shower stopped working. So she goes to the pesky neighbor and asks to shower with him. He of course says yes. She kisses him on the mouth.
She is raped.
He and I sat talking about if the facts are the facts 'what did she think was going to happen.'?
Like I mentioned before it's not about clothes or alcohol. But I am a grown assed woman. And personally I get burnt out on other grown women who think we live in Utopia where nothing bad ever happens. Where they can walk down the street butt naked and no one will lay a finger on them. A world where they can get as drunk as they want and make out with as many men as they want, and then just excuse themselves and go home like nothing happened. I get annoyed with women who don't take precautions up front, or take responsibility for their choices.
If you are going to wear a dental floss dress and f me pumps out, be a big girl and be ready for all the attention even the negative that that may bring. If you don't know kung fu or crazy; then you may want to rethink your wardrobe choice. You know, for safety sake. I'm not saying DON'T wear it, just know what message you are sending when you do wear it.
Dave Chapelle had a great bit about this. He said imagine if he walked around dressed like a police officer. Then someone ran up to him that needed his help. Then he said "Oh no, I'm not a police office, I just dress this way because I like it." He was equating women dressing like prostitutes to this. He's point is crude, but you get the point.
I had too many questions about this woman's choices that night. Where was her boyfriend, and why couldn't she use his shower? Why ask the one man who has expressed interest in you to be naked in his presence. Not to shower alone, but to shower WITH him.
DANGER!
Even though he and I were on the exact same side of this here issue; it made me wonder about him and his ideas of consent. Some men think that once the act begins, all bets are off. Even if she says stop, she said yes so too bad for her for wanting to stop. This is how rape gets into the conversation. If I tell you to stop and you don't then my consent has been rescinded and now you are taking something I don't wish to give you. Many men don't care. There is the classic well endowed man, who when his new partner realizes how painful sex with him is, wants to stop; and he will not. These men then spin her allegation into 'she couldn't handle the d*ck'.
There is a mentality that goes along with this, and entitlement if you will that will not stand. Before becoming involved with someone sexually, you have to find out if they have this mentality. If they will listen to your requests. If they will respect your boundaries and concerns. Or if once they are aroused, their hearing suddenly goes. Or if they have had a lot to drink, they could be in a blackout while forcing themselves on you. This is why I made a point never to have sex with a man who has had too much to drink. Then he can play the 'I don't remember having sex with you' game the next day too.
Not the kid.
I watched the new film 'Edge of Seventeen' which was about an extremely socially awkward girl. ( I say asbergers ) Who has an extremely difficult time connecting with people. She is attractive, but really clueless. She has an obsessive crush on a guy who works at a pet store. She also likes an equally awkward guy at school. One night when suffering a breakdown she sends a text to petstore crush that is very sexually explicit, though every sweet saying that she feels close to him. He agrees to meet her and pick her up in his car. Now my heart sank because I thought this will not turn out well. Of course the guy thinks she is DTF, but she is hopelessly in love and wants to 'get to know him'. He is angry at this. All turned on with nowhere to put it. He was very cool about the whole thing. He could have forced himself on her, or at least kicked her out of his car in the middle of nowhere in a rage. The writers soft peddled the hell out of that scene. Made it not traumatic for her. But the reality is, most men when erect are not that cool. Period.
As women we have to learn not to say things we don't have any intention on following through with. Not to tease men either. Her school crush happened to be crazy rich and live in a mansion with a grotto. They were swimming and over by the waterfall she asks if he wants to have sex? He thinks this is it! Then she starts laughing at him. He is not amused. He turns on a song about what an asshole she is. They brush it off. But that could have also gone horribly wrong. He also in a rage could have kicked her out of his house for having teased him. This film did a shitty job of showing what can REALLY happen to you if you act like this.
As grown women, we have to wonder about that super cute guy we want to date. If he's a super perv. If he's addicted to porn. If he's a closet rapist. Or if he's totally normal. You don't know what you are getting these days there is just so much dysfunction.
In the meantime, how do I get to hold hands with him?
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Weekend drop in
I got up early to go to the movies with a friend. Afterward I wound my way over to his job to visit him.
It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by.
He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand.
When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.
We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'.
I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile.
This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me. Then I will consider other things.
As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.
I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.
So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.
They sparkle you know.
You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel.
I call bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into.
Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.
We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them.
When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.
But I DO want him.
sigh.
It was later in the afternoon so I wasn't going to be there the whole day. I love sitting and talking to him. My attraction is off the charts and I have to stifle it and seem cool. He had a few customers come by so he had to do actual work, and when he is I try not to chat with him so he can focus. People kept coming by and ordering, and he made a comment he wished I could come by everyday. He makes money every time I come by.
He was working and his phone rang right by me and I noticed it said MOM. A few moments later a lady with dreads and two small kids comes by. He's turning to me saying this is his mother. I was a little surprised. I guess I am used to everyone elses mother being out of town like mine. I guess the little boy needed to be changed and he had the job of doing so. So he left for a bit to help out. It was cute seeing him leading this little boy away by his hand.
When he came back he admitted the kids were not his niece and nephew. Oh really? (please don't let them be his) They are actually the kids of my niece. WHEW! But that is deep.
We talked about the movie we saw on our first date. The opening song really had an impression on me. He pulled it up on youtube for me. Redbone by Childish Gambino. I think secretly this will be 'our song'.
I realized how many questions I have about him. He flirts sometimes. But it's in ways that are not so subtile.
This happens all the time. Because I am perceived to be much younger than I am, it's not really obvious I may be in a different area of my life. Not down for casual anything. It's not that it's been par for the course to find a man that I can see myself in a relationship with. I am trying to see if he's relationship material. If he has the consistency gene. If he can be available to me. Then I will consider other things.
As it has been well publicized in the past 5 or so years, there has been a big rift between black men and women. It's relevant to know what attitude a man holds about you and what you are 'worth' before you begin dealing with him. Some women don't care, they will do whatever Neo style ducking in order just to have a man around. I mean put up with any and everything.
I am not one of these women.
I would rather not waste time entertaining someone who doesn't even see me. I guess this is my main concern.
So many people put the cart before the horse then wonder why the cart doesn't go anywhere. People get caught up in the fantasy of what they want the other person to be, and then get mad at the other person for not living up to the fantasy. They don't listen to what the person says to them because they are so infatuated. I feel infatuation in my body, so I get scared that I may be overlooking some vital information because I'm lost in his eyes.
They sparkle you know.
You hear all these dysfunctional pop songs about being lost in love, and going with the flow, and not being able to help how they feel.
I call bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, I get all the kool aide smiley, skipping to my car, light as a feather feelings. But human nature waits for a shoe to drop. I want what is real. What can be real. The real thing. Not some story I cooked up in my head that I just plug him into.
Like right now it's mad slow at work, and I am fighting going to see him at his shop. It's not that far from where I work. Not close but not far. I thought of just 'showing up' like a surprise. But I don't think that will win me any points.
We talked about me tagging along when he goes to the OC to get his supplies on Saturday. So I planned to see him on Saturday. But I have a hankering to see him before then.
That's what I don't like. The urge. The desire. I'm having flashbacks to my teen years, when my crushes ate me alive. When I humiliated myself and was too much.
I have to swallow all those feelings. Pretend I am not having them.
When we are together it's easy. We chat and chat and chat. We laugh and have a great time. I feel like it's time to be a little physical. Like hold hands, and maybe kiss. But there is a part of me that sees me going to hold his hand and he drops mine, or tells me he doesn't like me like that. I made an off handed comment about having him all to myself. He looked at me and asked 'If that's what I want?' I didn't answer. Because I felt I overstepped, even though I was being flirty. I could have said too much.
But I DO want him.
sigh.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Microscoping love
Since my new years declaration, I have spent lots of time meditating on what a relationship is and means. Women of another era would have me believe I was dead already. I started wondering about sex, and how it's going to come about. I felt like I am supposed to be ashamed that I want to be in a committed relationship so the sex can be great because I can show my feelings. I am exhausted having to hide my emotions constantly. I don't want to do it anymore.
I spent time pouring over the circumstances of all my past relationships, and the ones I wasn't invited to be in. My exes are a motley crue of misfits and nairthewells, who were not invited either.
White privledge comes up lots these days. Back 20 years plus ago if I didn't date white boys, I wouldn't have dated at all. But they were the ones with no social status, so dating me wouldn't threaten where they were in the food chain. They were at the bottom of their thing so they had nothing to lose by being with me. Real talk.
I don't want to date the 'guy that can't get a girl no matter how hard he tries.' He usually is quiet, and sweet seeming. Which is easy to fall into. I would always realize we didn't have much in common, and all the stuff I care about he knows nothing about whatsoever. I have to stop and explain shit to him constantly. Our friends are opposites, and would never be in the same room mingling together. He usually has no goals, no dreams and no drive. He tells me he loves me too often and how pretty I am so it starts to mean nothing. I wake up resenting him. The only thing between us is sex, and usually lots of it. He can't believe how much sex he's having so he loves me for it. He's a horrible dresser, and has no style or class. He is not charming, or witty and his humor is usually on the goofy side. He's pretty much an overgrown child, and I stand back and look and wonder what the fuck am I doing with this guy?
After my last breakup 20 something years ago I promised myself I wouldn't no matter how bad it got, no matter how lonely I wouldn't fall back into this pattern.
You guessed it.
It's happening again.
What usually precipitates it is a guy who won't give me the time of day. Treats me like a groupie, and keeps me at arms length. But tells me just enough what I want to hear to keep me around. I wanted to stop this pattern too. But I don't know why I can't seem to stop falling for men who WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. After way too much time waiting around for this fucker to care, some unassuming nerd happens along and BOOM! He's my boyfriend. It's like going from holding your breath, to getting an oxygen mask.
But then I have to stop myself.
Am I doing it again?
I would catch myself talking myself into liking this nerd. What else do you have to do? No one is beating down your door to take you ANYWHERE! You better get this dude on your team. Then I'd manufacture emotions that weren't there, mostly to please him and make him happy. If he was happy, then I was happy. But then I would think about what would really make me happy. He wouldn't be in there anywhere.
But what would happen...
If the nice guy this time had things in common with me. Was creative like me, was living for his art like me? What if we wanted the same things? Could I have REAL feelings this time? The irony that I am having problems with is that I am struggling to get a place and back on my feet and so is he. We are on identical playing fields. Is that good or bad? Women are always told that the man has to be able to support you, and pay for things. Men who aren't flush with cash are unattractive we are taught. But men are always screaming 'but what about who I am?' It goes both ways. Because a woman's currency is her looks. Men want the hottest chick in the room and she screams 'what about who I am?' I'm not a banging 10, and he's not rich. Am I all he can afford? Joking. He doesn't seem to be overly self conscious about his finances. He took me on a date to the movies. I can't even remember the last time a guy took me to the movies and paid. On our date we talked quite a bit. The more we talked, the more attracted I became to him. I drove him to the train station and he shared an epiphany with me. It was a very passionate plea to stay the course and believe. That was it for me. I was hooked.
I felt silly. I wanted more of him. I felt had.
I couldn't stop thinking about him after. I asked if I could drop by his work on the weekend. He said let him know when. I can't wait. But I feel like I have to be cool. Not blow it. Or unleash on him.
I am a little scared.
I don't want to screw it up.
I spent time pouring over the circumstances of all my past relationships, and the ones I wasn't invited to be in. My exes are a motley crue of misfits and nairthewells, who were not invited either.
White privledge comes up lots these days. Back 20 years plus ago if I didn't date white boys, I wouldn't have dated at all. But they were the ones with no social status, so dating me wouldn't threaten where they were in the food chain. They were at the bottom of their thing so they had nothing to lose by being with me. Real talk.
I don't want to date the 'guy that can't get a girl no matter how hard he tries.' He usually is quiet, and sweet seeming. Which is easy to fall into. I would always realize we didn't have much in common, and all the stuff I care about he knows nothing about whatsoever. I have to stop and explain shit to him constantly. Our friends are opposites, and would never be in the same room mingling together. He usually has no goals, no dreams and no drive. He tells me he loves me too often and how pretty I am so it starts to mean nothing. I wake up resenting him. The only thing between us is sex, and usually lots of it. He can't believe how much sex he's having so he loves me for it. He's a horrible dresser, and has no style or class. He is not charming, or witty and his humor is usually on the goofy side. He's pretty much an overgrown child, and I stand back and look and wonder what the fuck am I doing with this guy?
After my last breakup 20 something years ago I promised myself I wouldn't no matter how bad it got, no matter how lonely I wouldn't fall back into this pattern.
You guessed it.
It's happening again.
What usually precipitates it is a guy who won't give me the time of day. Treats me like a groupie, and keeps me at arms length. But tells me just enough what I want to hear to keep me around. I wanted to stop this pattern too. But I don't know why I can't seem to stop falling for men who WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. After way too much time waiting around for this fucker to care, some unassuming nerd happens along and BOOM! He's my boyfriend. It's like going from holding your breath, to getting an oxygen mask.
But then I have to stop myself.
Am I doing it again?
I would catch myself talking myself into liking this nerd. What else do you have to do? No one is beating down your door to take you ANYWHERE! You better get this dude on your team. Then I'd manufacture emotions that weren't there, mostly to please him and make him happy. If he was happy, then I was happy. But then I would think about what would really make me happy. He wouldn't be in there anywhere.
But what would happen...
If the nice guy this time had things in common with me. Was creative like me, was living for his art like me? What if we wanted the same things? Could I have REAL feelings this time? The irony that I am having problems with is that I am struggling to get a place and back on my feet and so is he. We are on identical playing fields. Is that good or bad? Women are always told that the man has to be able to support you, and pay for things. Men who aren't flush with cash are unattractive we are taught. But men are always screaming 'but what about who I am?' It goes both ways. Because a woman's currency is her looks. Men want the hottest chick in the room and she screams 'what about who I am?' I'm not a banging 10, and he's not rich. Am I all he can afford? Joking. He doesn't seem to be overly self conscious about his finances. He took me on a date to the movies. I can't even remember the last time a guy took me to the movies and paid. On our date we talked quite a bit. The more we talked, the more attracted I became to him. I drove him to the train station and he shared an epiphany with me. It was a very passionate plea to stay the course and believe. That was it for me. I was hooked.
I felt silly. I wanted more of him. I felt had.
I couldn't stop thinking about him after. I asked if I could drop by his work on the weekend. He said let him know when. I can't wait. But I feel like I have to be cool. Not blow it. Or unleash on him.
I am a little scared.
I don't want to screw it up.
Monday, January 2, 2017
New Year's Bombshell!
Every new year people scramble to put together the identical list of shit that they didn't do last year for this year.
If I would say "This year I will gain 10 more pounds" I would have reached that goal. For the past 10 years. I can't put myself through the 'I'm going to lose the weight' fiasco.
But I did have to look back and be honest about some shit.
One of my oldest friends wanted to have a workout buddy at the gym in his building. We went once. Even when I was there he didn't seem to be into it at all. We lasted maybe 30 minutes and it was boring torture. I had to admit that after being at a bootcamp, a treadmill and a couple of hand weights isn't going to cut it.
Also I had to get real about the on line dating thing.
It's not happening.
It's always been the assessment that black women are the most unwanted in the universe. Universe meaning on line. You get those stats on your page, likes, views, and then messages. I get a steady stream of views and even likes, never any messages. Well not the messages that would reflect the likes I am always getting. Sitting around wondering why isn't the best use of my time.
The messages I would get would be either one or two words.
"hi". which I would use the same amount of effort to answer "hi" and the end of conversation.
Then there would be the windbag cut and paste fake. Who would go on and on about my beauty and how much he wants to meet me, or be by my side or this or that inappropriate bullshit. It's creepy, stop it.
Then there is the guy who claims he lives in town but is out of town right now, but will be back in a week or two. A week or two passes and he still isn't back. This can go on for months. Not that I would wait around months. The moment I find out you aren't in town I am done. If you can't meet me and take me out what is the point?
There was one app where 4 men made dates with me, and 4 men never bothered to show up. This is the fuckery that is on tap today.
So.
I'm done.
No more on line dating. No apps. Nothing. I deleted all profiles, and apps. I am done trying to meet someone on line. I got sick of men falling in love with my picture and then meeting me and acting like I am someone totally different. Um no, you just spent too much time staring at my picture and building this idea of who you thought I was. It's pretty common.
It makes me tired.
I can't do this anymore. It's too depressing. It's too disrespectful to who I am to have to ask a man more than once for anything. Or pretend to be involved with a guy I had sex with two years ago, who only texts now and uses his sick mom as the catchall. You can't argue with a sick mom. I feel like a terrible person because I don't want to compete with a sick mom, and just want to stop dealing with him completely because it's such a struggle to spend time with me.
It shouldn't be a struggle to spend time with someone you like.
That is the bottom line.
So no more.
The guy I was crushing on all year, done. No longer interested. He made no moves all year, and I shouldn't have to wait a year for A N Y T H I N G. I'm starting to resent him. Imagine smacking the shit out of him and telling him to get it the fuck together and stop playing. Be a goddamned man and grow the fuck up.
Sick of mommas boys.
I went to see the movie FENCES over the Christmas holiday. Not the be the spoiler but the twist of the film was basically just this. A man who got tired of the day to day grind, and wanted to escape by being with that woman whom he was not obligated to. Not worrying about bills or raising kids. Of course it is a slap in the face of the woman who stuck by his side all these years. But it just seems like they all have excuses why they can't be there for you. ALL OF THEM.
A man I met on line three years ago after a month started telling me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. He had health problems and was in the hospital for months at a time. It was up to his mother to hold down his apartment and bills for him while he was in the hospital. So they pretty much live together because of this. He shoots video on the weekends so he doesn't have time to see me on the weekend. I hadn't heard from him for a year. I assumed he died or something. He wasn't dead. Just perpetually broke. So he stayed away. He texts on Christmas and New Years. This is not something I want to continue in the new year. Just don't. I deserve more and better. These text relationships are not real nor are they enough. If I wanted to be in an actual relationship they are a slap in the face.
Women have always been shamed by society for being single past a certain age, and childless. A man can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's fine. I thought for a long time that having short very passionate relationships with interesting and talented men would be a great way to live. You never have a chance to get bored or feel trapped by the daily stuff. You can still be yourself and deal with them when you want.
I feel like to have this, I have much to do. Because I am not going to be this basic housewife type, waiting for hubby to come home and ignore me. Until it's time for sex or food of course. To have my own life is what I always wanted. Now to make it count is what this year is about.
To get my on line businesses off the ground and making money so I can get the rest of myself in order. Pay for the workouts I want, the clean food I need to be eating, the skin treatments, the suppliments for my heath I want. To live where I want. To go to the shows and events I want. To increase the likelyhood of meeting someone IRL so I don't have to put up with shenannigans on line from strangers.
It's not going to change the concept of worthy men being afraid to approach me. Bums will approach in me a heartbeat. Mostly because they want money, but also they talk to me like we are on the same level. It's a slippery slope when talking about people who are homeless because you don't want to sound like a total snob; like you are better than they are. Or how DARE they compare themselves to you.
But
How does a man who doesn't bathe regularly, see me and think "I have a shot at that."? Is it because I don't wear make up regulary and have not that great skin? They assume I am on drugs so then they can talk to me? I don't know what it is but whatever it is I have to make it stop. Actual dateable men will not approach me. I don't think they can see me even. This is a problem. I have to do something about.
I have to work on me.
Period.
If I would say "This year I will gain 10 more pounds" I would have reached that goal. For the past 10 years. I can't put myself through the 'I'm going to lose the weight' fiasco.
But I did have to look back and be honest about some shit.
One of my oldest friends wanted to have a workout buddy at the gym in his building. We went once. Even when I was there he didn't seem to be into it at all. We lasted maybe 30 minutes and it was boring torture. I had to admit that after being at a bootcamp, a treadmill and a couple of hand weights isn't going to cut it.
Also I had to get real about the on line dating thing.
It's not happening.
It's always been the assessment that black women are the most unwanted in the universe. Universe meaning on line. You get those stats on your page, likes, views, and then messages. I get a steady stream of views and even likes, never any messages. Well not the messages that would reflect the likes I am always getting. Sitting around wondering why isn't the best use of my time.
The messages I would get would be either one or two words.
"hi". which I would use the same amount of effort to answer "hi" and the end of conversation.
Then there would be the windbag cut and paste fake. Who would go on and on about my beauty and how much he wants to meet me, or be by my side or this or that inappropriate bullshit. It's creepy, stop it.
Then there is the guy who claims he lives in town but is out of town right now, but will be back in a week or two. A week or two passes and he still isn't back. This can go on for months. Not that I would wait around months. The moment I find out you aren't in town I am done. If you can't meet me and take me out what is the point?
There was one app where 4 men made dates with me, and 4 men never bothered to show up. This is the fuckery that is on tap today.
So.
I'm done.
No more on line dating. No apps. Nothing. I deleted all profiles, and apps. I am done trying to meet someone on line. I got sick of men falling in love with my picture and then meeting me and acting like I am someone totally different. Um no, you just spent too much time staring at my picture and building this idea of who you thought I was. It's pretty common.
It makes me tired.
I can't do this anymore. It's too depressing. It's too disrespectful to who I am to have to ask a man more than once for anything. Or pretend to be involved with a guy I had sex with two years ago, who only texts now and uses his sick mom as the catchall. You can't argue with a sick mom. I feel like a terrible person because I don't want to compete with a sick mom, and just want to stop dealing with him completely because it's such a struggle to spend time with me.
It shouldn't be a struggle to spend time with someone you like.
That is the bottom line.
So no more.
The guy I was crushing on all year, done. No longer interested. He made no moves all year, and I shouldn't have to wait a year for A N Y T H I N G. I'm starting to resent him. Imagine smacking the shit out of him and telling him to get it the fuck together and stop playing. Be a goddamned man and grow the fuck up.
Sick of mommas boys.
I went to see the movie FENCES over the Christmas holiday. Not the be the spoiler but the twist of the film was basically just this. A man who got tired of the day to day grind, and wanted to escape by being with that woman whom he was not obligated to. Not worrying about bills or raising kids. Of course it is a slap in the face of the woman who stuck by his side all these years. But it just seems like they all have excuses why they can't be there for you. ALL OF THEM.
A man I met on line three years ago after a month started telling me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. He had health problems and was in the hospital for months at a time. It was up to his mother to hold down his apartment and bills for him while he was in the hospital. So they pretty much live together because of this. He shoots video on the weekends so he doesn't have time to see me on the weekend. I hadn't heard from him for a year. I assumed he died or something. He wasn't dead. Just perpetually broke. So he stayed away. He texts on Christmas and New Years. This is not something I want to continue in the new year. Just don't. I deserve more and better. These text relationships are not real nor are they enough. If I wanted to be in an actual relationship they are a slap in the face.
Women have always been shamed by society for being single past a certain age, and childless. A man can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's fine. I thought for a long time that having short very passionate relationships with interesting and talented men would be a great way to live. You never have a chance to get bored or feel trapped by the daily stuff. You can still be yourself and deal with them when you want.
To get my on line businesses off the ground and making money so I can get the rest of myself in order. Pay for the workouts I want, the clean food I need to be eating, the skin treatments, the suppliments for my heath I want. To live where I want. To go to the shows and events I want. To increase the likelyhood of meeting someone IRL so I don't have to put up with shenannigans on line from strangers.
It's not going to change the concept of worthy men being afraid to approach me. Bums will approach in me a heartbeat. Mostly because they want money, but also they talk to me like we are on the same level. It's a slippery slope when talking about people who are homeless because you don't want to sound like a total snob; like you are better than they are. Or how DARE they compare themselves to you.
But
How does a man who doesn't bathe regularly, see me and think "I have a shot at that."? Is it because I don't wear make up regulary and have not that great skin? They assume I am on drugs so then they can talk to me? I don't know what it is but whatever it is I have to make it stop. Actual dateable men will not approach me. I don't think they can see me even. This is a problem. I have to do something about.
I have to work on me.
Period.
Monday, December 19, 2016
I could be in love pt 3
When I was younger, I liked making gifts for people. I loved spending hours thinking of ideas and putting them together in this amazing present for the object of my desire.
Once Christmas, a man who I had been in love with (alone) for four years got a box of all sorts of candies, mixed with clear jewel cases sprinkled with glitter shapes and long tapes like measuring tape with poems written on them, I also burned CDs and stuck in there. I was especially proud of how well it turned out. I covered the box in photos of bands we liked, and made a big bow out of denim.
He loved the gift. He liked the chocolates not so much the other flavors. But he really liked it a lot. I didn't win him with it. But I liked that I made his day.
I would later find out from 'dating experts' that doing this sort of thing lowered my value as a woman, and made me undesireable to my object of affection; no matter how cool the gift was, or how well thought out the poems were. If I was going to get guys to like me, I had to stop doing this immediately.
I haven't given a man a gift in over a decade. The experts say if you are involved in a relationship with a dude, go ahead and give. But if you aren't and want to be, don't do it.
My current crush asked me in passing if I had anything lying around the shop that he could wear to a birthday party. Something to go with the camoflage pants he was already wearing. I wasn't sure but I said I'd check. He seemed anxious. So I told him not to worry, I'd find something.
I'd been secretly plotting to make him some shirts anyway. We talk about clothes often, and he's mentioned what he likes.I had three shirts made. He text me a picture of a sweater he liked that we made. I told him we had a black one, and he said cool. He was busy that day so he said he didn't know if he'd have time to come down to the shop and pick it up. I was busy working so I couldn't stop and get it to him before 5. We missed the connection. But I told him I would bring the sweater in on Monday.
Over the weekend I kept looking at the box with the 3 shirts and sweater. I wanted to burn CDs of hip hop I liked, and put in chocolates. ( I know he likes chocolate ) and write a letter telling him how I feel.
It took all of my will NOT to do this.
I simply wrapped the box in foil paper. No card, not nothing.
When I went into the store Monday I put the box on his desk, he looked surprised. He asked what it was. I said it was a gift for him. I was also there to pay for our hats from last week. He was a little flustered when he sat down and said so. I thought it was cute. He said he was taken a back. I was happy that he was happy.
Then he said it again:
"I love you girl." Then he came around the desk and hugged me.
He said he'd get me something. I didn't expect that. But I don't want him to get me something. I want us to go out and spend time together. That's it. I didn't say that outloud. His mom is always lurking close.
How to get what I want is the next issue....
Once Christmas, a man who I had been in love with (alone) for four years got a box of all sorts of candies, mixed with clear jewel cases sprinkled with glitter shapes and long tapes like measuring tape with poems written on them, I also burned CDs and stuck in there. I was especially proud of how well it turned out. I covered the box in photos of bands we liked, and made a big bow out of denim.
He loved the gift. He liked the chocolates not so much the other flavors. But he really liked it a lot. I didn't win him with it. But I liked that I made his day.
I would later find out from 'dating experts' that doing this sort of thing lowered my value as a woman, and made me undesireable to my object of affection; no matter how cool the gift was, or how well thought out the poems were. If I was going to get guys to like me, I had to stop doing this immediately.
I haven't given a man a gift in over a decade. The experts say if you are involved in a relationship with a dude, go ahead and give. But if you aren't and want to be, don't do it.
My current crush asked me in passing if I had anything lying around the shop that he could wear to a birthday party. Something to go with the camoflage pants he was already wearing. I wasn't sure but I said I'd check. He seemed anxious. So I told him not to worry, I'd find something.
I'd been secretly plotting to make him some shirts anyway. We talk about clothes often, and he's mentioned what he likes.I had three shirts made. He text me a picture of a sweater he liked that we made. I told him we had a black one, and he said cool. He was busy that day so he said he didn't know if he'd have time to come down to the shop and pick it up. I was busy working so I couldn't stop and get it to him before 5. We missed the connection. But I told him I would bring the sweater in on Monday.
Over the weekend I kept looking at the box with the 3 shirts and sweater. I wanted to burn CDs of hip hop I liked, and put in chocolates. ( I know he likes chocolate ) and write a letter telling him how I feel.
It took all of my will NOT to do this.
I simply wrapped the box in foil paper. No card, not nothing.
When I went into the store Monday I put the box on his desk, he looked surprised. He asked what it was. I said it was a gift for him. I was also there to pay for our hats from last week. He was a little flustered when he sat down and said so. I thought it was cute. He said he was taken a back. I was happy that he was happy.
Then he said it again:
"I love you girl." Then he came around the desk and hugged me.
He said he'd get me something. I didn't expect that. But I don't want him to get me something. I want us to go out and spend time together. That's it. I didn't say that outloud. His mom is always lurking close.
How to get what I want is the next issue....
Thursday, December 8, 2016
On Line SHENANNIGANZ!
I think in 2016 we have all pretty much decided what dating sites we will mess with and which ones we won't. It seems like a merry go round at this point. Deleting apps, downloading apps. It's almost like a jokey security blanket we singles (and some not singles) use to verify that we are still somewhat attractive to those who we wish to attract.
I think now people really are stifled to the point of not really wanting to meet anyone. They just want to know they could meet someone, with no real intention on following through. I am finding more and more men on dating sites to be in relationships already, that they claim are open. Yeah right, does SHE know it's open? Or guys who are millenial and have ZERO clue what courtship is. It's gimmie.
I have felt a shift in the past say 7 years or so in men's attitudes about dating and relationships. I think men have always catagorized women in an imaginary hierarchy and have made that dreamgirl the top one, that he will never attain but every woman he meets has to compete with. For instance if he wants a woman who is like Kim K, he's always going to be attracted to that type even if he can never get her attention much less date her. This will be his ideal. How much energy you get from him is determined by your proximity to Kim Ks looks. He can keep this up his entire life, and will either marry a Kim K look alike, or spend his life putting every woman he meets through the paces of not being good enough because she doesn't look like that.
I have also noticed that men don't care about boundaries. I have always had a feeling that disrespect would be something typical because I am black. That I don't deserve respect, dignity or the right to say NO. Which is bullshit of course. But it was something implied throughout my life. I don't get a choice in who I date, sleep with or have a relationship with. I better take what I can get. I don't get to have standards, or even a dream guy. I am supposed to be a vending machine for men. Whatever they want I am supposed to prodouce no questions asked and more importantly, nothing expected in return.
When I stand against this attitude, I have been mocked and attempts at humiliating me into changing my mind have been thwarted. I don't spin a few sentences to a man on line and then chuck him my phone number or facebook ID. I know NOTHING about you. You could be a professional stalker for all I know. You might spend your days researching womens lives so you can eventually murder them. YOU WILL NOT HUMILIATE ME OUT OF CARING ABOUT MY SAFETY!!!
My privacy is part of that safety. I don't just let random strangers in. If you feel you don't need to earn your way in, then see your way out. To me that shows an attitude of entitlement. I don't rock with that. You don't get to decide my worth. I set that. Some men have issue with this. So I don't deal with many.
There is also a rash of men who have not mastered the art of conversation. This could be a BIG REASON they are single. They have nothing to say, no opinions, no jokes nothing. Super boring on line so why would I ever want to meet you?
Then you have to constant sexual innuendo dude.
You could have been cool, but you always want to talk sex. Which makes me think that if I met you, that is all you would want. You would put lots of pressure on me to have sex, and I might end up having to mace your dumb ass. Some dudes can't tone it down so they can never get it poppin.
Then there is the plug and play guy. He wants an instant relationship. These are the knuckleheads you see on catfish all the damn time. They say 'I love you' before they have even run an eyeball cross you. Really dude? Thirsty much? Or they can't stop saying how pretty you are. You are too pretty to be single. How come someone so pretty doesn't have a man?
LET SEE....
Cause pretty girls intimidate boys.
And if you go on and on and on about my looks, I think something is wrong with you. I start to feel trapped by your expectation of me to be this glowing goddess whos supposed to grant all of your wishes. I just wish to kick you in your nuts for being such a dumbass. Men think telling a woman she is beautiful every 20 seconds is a good thing.
IT ISN'T!
It's smothering. It's panderific. It's insincere. It's cookie cutter bullshit. You gotta get it together. I think you don't have the ability to connect on a deeper level if all you want to talk about is pretty.
There was one guy, who was not quite in my preferred age range. But he was very attractive in a sort of cute guy, doesn't know it way. I kept seeing him on line so I spoke. We struck up a conversation about music, and it got pretty intense. He's a musician and lives in the area. Very good convo. Didn't get icky and innuendo-y at any time. So I thought this is a dude I could hang with. Then he asks me to lunch on Sunday. He offers several options for me to choose from. I pick one. He says great choice. I tell him I had a thing early in the day but I would find out when it was done then let him know. I IMd him the info. No answer.
I wait
No Answer
Sunday comes
Still no answer
Sunday is over
No answer
Monday
No Answer
Tuesday
No Answer
Wednesday, he comes with some story about having to give a friend a ride.
Really dude?
Granted, you don't know me. I'm pretty much a stranger. However, you set up a date with ME. You didn't have the decency to say anything for three days. Even when your 'friend' was begging for said ride. You didn't jump on your phone and say 'Hey this is happening, not gonna make it.'
You ghosted.
Then you felt bad.
I called bullshit on his ass. He insisted he was telling the truth. Over and over again.
I called bullshit over and over again.
He has tried to continue a conversation, but it's not really happening. Because I see this dude differently. As someone who wastes my time. No bueno.
Then a dude comes back from outer space. HMU on FB. Saying I was in his suggested friends feed.
I had just about gotten him clean out of my hair, and BAM!
So he gives me his new number, and we're off and texting again.
He was the 'good morning' text guy.
He made me swoon when he picked me up from work once.
No one had done that for me, I don't think ever.
We would go to the observatory and make out for hours. His kiss was....
I don't think I can even explain it. I just felt faint.
We got physical, and it was amazing.
I couldn't wait for more.
But I had no choice.
He is the good son, who is at everyone's beck and call which made it near impossible to see him regularly. Sick mother and all. I started to resent him, so I just pushed him off as see you when I see you.
I like the guy, but there is no room for me in his life.
The good morning and good night texts are mocking me. Because there will be no in between. I may never even see him again in person. I don't think efforts will be made on his end.
For instance.
We would go to the movies.
There is a movie out I wanted to see.
I asked if he was off Sunday
He says 'Sunday Works'
I was like cool.
So I am telling him the film and whatnot.
Sunday comes and he's acting like we have no plans.
He is confused
I tell him he told me Sunday Works.
He looks back in his texts.
He meant Sunday he works.
Miscommunication!
So it wasn't a blow off.
But I still didn't get to see him.
I feel like I have to beg to see him, so I don't even ask.
It makes me a little mad.
I feel like I am wasting time texting with him.
It's the virtual equivalent of being in an empty relationship.
But it's worse, because you don't even get to hug, kiss and have sex with the person.
It's just words on a phone.
We could sext, it's pretty hot.
Phone sex is too.
But it's not the real thing.....
sigh
I think now people really are stifled to the point of not really wanting to meet anyone. They just want to know they could meet someone, with no real intention on following through. I am finding more and more men on dating sites to be in relationships already, that they claim are open. Yeah right, does SHE know it's open? Or guys who are millenial and have ZERO clue what courtship is. It's gimmie.
I have felt a shift in the past say 7 years or so in men's attitudes about dating and relationships. I think men have always catagorized women in an imaginary hierarchy and have made that dreamgirl the top one, that he will never attain but every woman he meets has to compete with. For instance if he wants a woman who is like Kim K, he's always going to be attracted to that type even if he can never get her attention much less date her. This will be his ideal. How much energy you get from him is determined by your proximity to Kim Ks looks. He can keep this up his entire life, and will either marry a Kim K look alike, or spend his life putting every woman he meets through the paces of not being good enough because she doesn't look like that.
I have also noticed that men don't care about boundaries. I have always had a feeling that disrespect would be something typical because I am black. That I don't deserve respect, dignity or the right to say NO. Which is bullshit of course. But it was something implied throughout my life. I don't get a choice in who I date, sleep with or have a relationship with. I better take what I can get. I don't get to have standards, or even a dream guy. I am supposed to be a vending machine for men. Whatever they want I am supposed to prodouce no questions asked and more importantly, nothing expected in return.
When I stand against this attitude, I have been mocked and attempts at humiliating me into changing my mind have been thwarted. I don't spin a few sentences to a man on line and then chuck him my phone number or facebook ID. I know NOTHING about you. You could be a professional stalker for all I know. You might spend your days researching womens lives so you can eventually murder them. YOU WILL NOT HUMILIATE ME OUT OF CARING ABOUT MY SAFETY!!!
My privacy is part of that safety. I don't just let random strangers in. If you feel you don't need to earn your way in, then see your way out. To me that shows an attitude of entitlement. I don't rock with that. You don't get to decide my worth. I set that. Some men have issue with this. So I don't deal with many.
There is also a rash of men who have not mastered the art of conversation. This could be a BIG REASON they are single. They have nothing to say, no opinions, no jokes nothing. Super boring on line so why would I ever want to meet you?
Then you have to constant sexual innuendo dude.
You could have been cool, but you always want to talk sex. Which makes me think that if I met you, that is all you would want. You would put lots of pressure on me to have sex, and I might end up having to mace your dumb ass. Some dudes can't tone it down so they can never get it poppin.
Then there is the plug and play guy. He wants an instant relationship. These are the knuckleheads you see on catfish all the damn time. They say 'I love you' before they have even run an eyeball cross you. Really dude? Thirsty much? Or they can't stop saying how pretty you are. You are too pretty to be single. How come someone so pretty doesn't have a man?
LET SEE....
Cause pretty girls intimidate boys.
And if you go on and on and on about my looks, I think something is wrong with you. I start to feel trapped by your expectation of me to be this glowing goddess whos supposed to grant all of your wishes. I just wish to kick you in your nuts for being such a dumbass. Men think telling a woman she is beautiful every 20 seconds is a good thing.
IT ISN'T!
It's smothering. It's panderific. It's insincere. It's cookie cutter bullshit. You gotta get it together. I think you don't have the ability to connect on a deeper level if all you want to talk about is pretty.
There was one guy, who was not quite in my preferred age range. But he was very attractive in a sort of cute guy, doesn't know it way. I kept seeing him on line so I spoke. We struck up a conversation about music, and it got pretty intense. He's a musician and lives in the area. Very good convo. Didn't get icky and innuendo-y at any time. So I thought this is a dude I could hang with. Then he asks me to lunch on Sunday. He offers several options for me to choose from. I pick one. He says great choice. I tell him I had a thing early in the day but I would find out when it was done then let him know. I IMd him the info. No answer.
I wait
No Answer
Sunday comes
Still no answer
Sunday is over
No answer
Monday
No Answer
Tuesday
No Answer
Wednesday, he comes with some story about having to give a friend a ride.
Really dude?
Granted, you don't know me. I'm pretty much a stranger. However, you set up a date with ME. You didn't have the decency to say anything for three days. Even when your 'friend' was begging for said ride. You didn't jump on your phone and say 'Hey this is happening, not gonna make it.'
You ghosted.
Then you felt bad.
I called bullshit on his ass. He insisted he was telling the truth. Over and over again.
I called bullshit over and over again.
He has tried to continue a conversation, but it's not really happening. Because I see this dude differently. As someone who wastes my time. No bueno.
Then a dude comes back from outer space. HMU on FB. Saying I was in his suggested friends feed.
I had just about gotten him clean out of my hair, and BAM!
So he gives me his new number, and we're off and texting again.
He was the 'good morning' text guy.
He made me swoon when he picked me up from work once.
No one had done that for me, I don't think ever.
We would go to the observatory and make out for hours. His kiss was....
I don't think I can even explain it. I just felt faint.
We got physical, and it was amazing.
I couldn't wait for more.
But I had no choice.
He is the good son, who is at everyone's beck and call which made it near impossible to see him regularly. Sick mother and all. I started to resent him, so I just pushed him off as see you when I see you.
I like the guy, but there is no room for me in his life.
The good morning and good night texts are mocking me. Because there will be no in between. I may never even see him again in person. I don't think efforts will be made on his end.
For instance.
We would go to the movies.
There is a movie out I wanted to see.
I asked if he was off Sunday
He says 'Sunday Works'
I was like cool.
So I am telling him the film and whatnot.
Sunday comes and he's acting like we have no plans.
He is confused
I tell him he told me Sunday Works.
He looks back in his texts.
He meant Sunday he works.
Miscommunication!
So it wasn't a blow off.
But I still didn't get to see him.
I feel like I have to beg to see him, so I don't even ask.
It makes me a little mad.
I feel like I am wasting time texting with him.
It's the virtual equivalent of being in an empty relationship.
But it's worse, because you don't even get to hug, kiss and have sex with the person.
It's just words on a phone.
We could sext, it's pretty hot.
Phone sex is too.
But it's not the real thing.....
sigh
I could be in love---pt 2
Months have passed and I still go into the homies shop almost daily.
We visit when it's slow, and the other day we were talking about Prince. He mentioned that one of his homeboys loves Prince too, and I reminded him of him. He opened a facebook page to show me dude. To see if maybe I would want to meet him. All the pictures he showed me of dude he was in. I was busy looking at my crush. He asks 'Well what do you think?'
He aiiiight.
Just aiiiight?
Yeah. What else can he be standing next to you?
He blushes.
It's funny to see a man blush.
I launched into my baby boo thing, sprinkling him with compliments. 'Erybody fall back S is in the building.'
He's smiling ear to ear. He looks down, "That's my girl."
I do feel what I am saying as the gospel truth. To me he's gorgeous. I can't get enough of this dude. But I feel like I'm in perminant hold. He lives mad far away, and with moms, while he's saving for a 'nice place' as he put it. I don't feel like anything that I say or do will get him to spend time with me, just me. Outside of his work. It's a horrible place to be. But we frequently say things like 'You're the best.'
He admits to having a touch of anxiety. He said something about crowds, and being around a bunch of people he doesn't know. Like if you invite him to a party where he won't know anyone, he most likely won't go because it freaks him out. I told him to just think of it like he's been invited as the 'special guest.' If people look, that's why. He said he never thought of it that way.
I spend lots of time daydreaming about him. What life with him would be like. But I can't deny the facts. I'm on hold. Super extra hold.
The one time I could see him outside of work, it was at a function on skid row. It was a warm day, so the smell down there was disgusting. Gag worthy. There would be food, so I hadn't eaten before I went down. By the time I parked my car and walked down to the event I was good and nauseous. I saw him, and tried to play it off. He led me into a tent where there was food to eat and drinks. He told me to tell anyone who asks that I am with him. I wanted to hang around, but after I ate, my stomach was in knots, the smell was overwhelming me, and S was bouncing around everywhere. I just left.
When I caught up with him at work, he apolojised to me for being so busy. He hadn't really noticed I bounced. I guess he did, but maybe he thought it was because I wasn't getting his attention. I could have played it that way. But it wasn't a big deal either way. I am thinking more of a dinner and movie situation, not hanging on skid row. That's his thing. Working with a ministry that helps people out on skid row. You can't be mad at that. It's actually quite admirable. He used to be one of the people down there, so he knows of what he speaks. There are plenty of things on the surface to love about this man.
I want to know the man below the surface tho.
We visit when it's slow, and the other day we were talking about Prince. He mentioned that one of his homeboys loves Prince too, and I reminded him of him. He opened a facebook page to show me dude. To see if maybe I would want to meet him. All the pictures he showed me of dude he was in. I was busy looking at my crush. He asks 'Well what do you think?'
He aiiiight.
Just aiiiight?
Yeah. What else can he be standing next to you?
He blushes.
It's funny to see a man blush.
I launched into my baby boo thing, sprinkling him with compliments. 'Erybody fall back S is in the building.'
He's smiling ear to ear. He looks down, "That's my girl."
I do feel what I am saying as the gospel truth. To me he's gorgeous. I can't get enough of this dude. But I feel like I'm in perminant hold. He lives mad far away, and with moms, while he's saving for a 'nice place' as he put it. I don't feel like anything that I say or do will get him to spend time with me, just me. Outside of his work. It's a horrible place to be. But we frequently say things like 'You're the best.'
He admits to having a touch of anxiety. He said something about crowds, and being around a bunch of people he doesn't know. Like if you invite him to a party where he won't know anyone, he most likely won't go because it freaks him out. I told him to just think of it like he's been invited as the 'special guest.' If people look, that's why. He said he never thought of it that way.
I spend lots of time daydreaming about him. What life with him would be like. But I can't deny the facts. I'm on hold. Super extra hold.
The one time I could see him outside of work, it was at a function on skid row. It was a warm day, so the smell down there was disgusting. Gag worthy. There would be food, so I hadn't eaten before I went down. By the time I parked my car and walked down to the event I was good and nauseous. I saw him, and tried to play it off. He led me into a tent where there was food to eat and drinks. He told me to tell anyone who asks that I am with him. I wanted to hang around, but after I ate, my stomach was in knots, the smell was overwhelming me, and S was bouncing around everywhere. I just left.
When I caught up with him at work, he apolojised to me for being so busy. He hadn't really noticed I bounced. I guess he did, but maybe he thought it was because I wasn't getting his attention. I could have played it that way. But it wasn't a big deal either way. I am thinking more of a dinner and movie situation, not hanging on skid row. That's his thing. Working with a ministry that helps people out on skid row. You can't be mad at that. It's actually quite admirable. He used to be one of the people down there, so he knows of what he speaks. There are plenty of things on the surface to love about this man.
I want to know the man below the surface tho.
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