Something has to give

I have been depressed for a few months. I try my best to get out when I can. But that isn't often. I have been avoiding sewing and doing wigs, because I know I am not going anywhere. I am trying to fight my way through the fog to do these things. I usually end up sleeping on and off all day when I don't have appointments. 

I feel like a shut in. My mom is a shut in. I don't want to end up like my moms. Eating myself to death, no friends, no men, nothing to do. I have so much talent and dreams. I feel like I can't get anything going. Not to mention the money situation is a joke. I have cup o noodles to eat till the 4th. I am going to try to get to the food bank tomorrow so I have food till then. 

I did go out last night with my friends to dinner. I put on joggers, a t shirt and sparkly slippers. Short hair. Makeup was cute. I put on jewelry for the first time in forever. I did my nails so they look passable. I felt ok. Then we took pictures. I was having a good time. But I saw the pictures and was devastated. I look like a monster, with a tiny wig perched on top. I can't help but wonder what people see when they look at me. Do people look at me and see this big giant bloated ball? Now that I am looking for a job, I am hyper sensitive about my looks. About my hair and clothes. I want to crawl into a hole and die. But without money that I would earn from working I can't change anything. I am filing my taxes on the 4th. When I get them back I can send for the supplements I need to get the weight off. I can invest in some sophisticated pieces for my wardrobe. I can get a grown up looking bag. Plus invest in a couple of on line businesses. 

As I think about all of these things, I feel like this is the moment when everything could finally shift for me. I could dig in and make a real change in my life. I have to. It's a crock of shit how a woman's looks and desirability play into everything when it comes to her quality of life. There are bizarre exceptions, but over all it's not likely that a gorgeous woman will struggle much in life. The prettier and thinner a woman is the more opportunities she gets. That's reality. I feel like I am totally locked out of EVERYTHING. If I can change how I look; maybe I can get in. Or get a chance to prove myself. I want to feel better. It's so crazy how I feel like me, but then I see a picture of me and I can't recognize myself. I took selfies and wanted to throw up because I looked so bad. It hurts to feel like this. I feel like this is a low for me.