The walls are closing in.

The fiasco with my GR payment messed up the entire month.

I have a phone that I pay for, and that has all the bells and whistles. But I keep a lifeline phone just in case. Like just in case money doesn't come and I can't pay my phone bill. I had one free phone for a couple of years. But then it stopped working. So I went out and got another one. Since I couldn't pay the bill on my main phone I had to take that number off my resumes, and put the free phone on. I told everyone to call me on this phone.

A temp agency told me to come in on Tuesday to sign up, and call them from in front of the building when I get there. Cool. I planned to go to the jewish food bank on Sunday to get food. They give you stuff you can make meals out of, eggs, meat and fresh veggies. But then I remembered it was a holiday weekend. No food on Sunday or Monday. Two more days of cup of noodles. Tuesday I have the interview so I can't go to the food bank then either. 

Sunday evening I hear banging on my dining room wall. I hear screaming and a woman saying leave me alone! More banging. I get up to go in and listen more closely. He is beating her! I freeze. I call the police. I let them in the building and tell them what happened and scurry back to my place. I get home and break down crying. I wasn't sure why. It was stressful.  I text a few people what was happening.

The next morning I go to call my cousin and my phone says my balance is too low to make this call. I can't text either. FUCK! Now my backup phone doesn't work! If anyone is trying to get in touch with me they can't. Job search halted till at least the 4th of June. This is humiliating! So I call the 611 on the phone to see what I can do. I guess they sent me a form I was supposed to fill out to the hollywood address so I could get free service all the time. I forgot to get my mail last time I was there so I didn't get the form and that's why this is happening. They told me to contact trueconnect, they deal with lifeline phones so I could possibly remedy the issue through them. I got to their website and fill out the form. There was a part where I had to upload proof of welfare. It took an hour to convert the file from pdf to jpg. Then when I was done turns out it will take at least 7 days for it to be available up to two weeks. Useless.

I'm planning for the interview tomorrow, and I go over the e mail because it's got the address in it. I notice it says I have to call them to let me in the building when I get there. I HAVE NO PHONE SERVICE because I have no money coming in. I could go and hope someone will let me use their phone to call, or cancel and schedule for next week. Which couldn't work in my favor. It makes me look undependable. I need food. I have to choose between food and a temp agency. Food is winning. I went to the website to check what documents I needed to bring with me. Then I saw they don't service my zipcode. But they do my old hollywood zipcode. My ID has my holllywood address on it. I get some mail there. So I spent a couple of hours looking for recent mail from there. I couldn't find anything past Feb 23rd. Hope that works. Or I will go hungry. 

I can't cope with this situation. It's so complicated. I have a week to get through. I don't know how I will. I never want to be in this position ever again. I sat with my big book and wrote out everything I need to happen so I can change and how much everything will cost. I have to be stealthlike in my execution of the plan. Or I feel like this is the end of my life.
There was a video on youtube called 'faking normal' that basically said after 35 women are locked out of the workforce. Like if you aren't already deep in your career and you are changing careers, or looking for work it's harder for you to get work. Over 40 even harder, over 50 nearly impossible. For instance if on your resume it says you graduated college in 1976 YOU ARE TOAST! Luckily in that area mine says I graduated in 2014. But I have 10+ years of experience. It's more like 20+ but I scale it back. It's clear that I need to be able make money on my own. It's time. I have been in LA for 7 years, and have yet to have a decent job. I really don't think there ever will be a decent job. I'd be better off going to work at family dollar for $10.00 and investing in my on line businesses. 

I file my taxes on the 4th, and hopefully I can get the money in 10 days or less so I can move forward.

enough is enough

More aliens return...

Damn facebook.

Minding my own business and I get another random friend request. I know this dude too. Another guy who disappeared.

He was an elegant foreign guy, his people are from North Africa and raised in France. Great body and sexy as hell. We would link up and he'd take me to a nice dinner or lunch. We'd get a room and fool around. After about the third time he informs me that he just wants me to go down on him, not interested in sex. I was like, yeah that doesn't work for me. He disappears for about three months then calls out of the blue. He wants to go for a ride. Ok. He wants to fool around. But doesn't have money for a room. I'm not going down on him in the car in some alley. Screw that. He got a hj, and after he says 'I could have done that myself.' What an asshole.

So here he is again. I don't know how to feel. He's grown an old ratty beard which takes away from his looks quite a bit. He wants to see me. He offers to take me to lunch.  We end up at burger king. (really dude?) But whatever, I'm starving. We chat. He comes up to see my place. Of course he wants to kiss. His beard hair is gross. I don't like it. He's getting worked up so I tell him to stop. Of course he wants to push it. But I keep telling him to chill. I reminded him of what he said to me and how he acted. He 'didn't remember'. I was like 'I do'. He was rude and selfish. He is gorgeous tho. He said we need to keep in touch, and he'd be around my area Tuesday. These guys just popping up and thinking they can buy me a hamburger and fuck. It's annoying.

If they were gentlemen, and could show you a really good time, maybe you would feel differently about it. But everyone is so broke. Why does that mean I have to discount MY worth. There was a moment when I thought he and I could date. But he's one of those 'lone wolf' types. It's a little sad this keeps happening.

He does look good great naked tho.

Something has to give

I have been depressed for a few months. I try my best to get out when I can. But that isn't often. I have been avoiding sewing and doing wigs, because I know I am not going anywhere. I am trying to fight my way through the fog to do these things. I usually end up sleeping on and off all day when I don't have appointments. 

I feel like a shut in. My mom is a shut in. I don't want to end up like my moms. Eating myself to death, no friends, no men, nothing to do. I have so much talent and dreams. I feel like I can't get anything going. Not to mention the money situation is a joke. I have cup o noodles to eat till the 4th. I am going to try to get to the food bank tomorrow so I have food till then. 

I did go out last night with my friends to dinner. I put on joggers, a t shirt and sparkly slippers. Short hair. Makeup was cute. I put on jewelry for the first time in forever. I did my nails so they look passable. I felt ok. Then we took pictures. I was having a good time. But I saw the pictures and was devastated. I look like a monster, with a tiny wig perched on top. I can't help but wonder what people see when they look at me. Do people look at me and see this big giant bloated ball? Now that I am looking for a job, I am hyper sensitive about my looks. About my hair and clothes. I want to crawl into a hole and die. But without money that I would earn from working I can't change anything. I am filing my taxes on the 4th. When I get them back I can send for the supplements I need to get the weight off. I can invest in some sophisticated pieces for my wardrobe. I can get a grown up looking bag. Plus invest in a couple of on line businesses. 

As I think about all of these things, I feel like this is the moment when everything could finally shift for me. I could dig in and make a real change in my life. I have to. It's a crock of shit how a woman's looks and desirability play into everything when it comes to her quality of life. There are bizarre exceptions, but over all it's not likely that a gorgeous woman will struggle much in life. The prettier and thinner a woman is the more opportunities she gets. That's reality. I feel like I am totally locked out of EVERYTHING. If I can change how I look; maybe I can get in. Or get a chance to prove myself. I want to feel better. It's so crazy how I feel like me, but then I see a picture of me and I can't recognize myself. I took selfies and wanted to throw up because I looked so bad. It hurts to feel like this. I feel like this is a low for me. 

He's back from outer space

I'm minding my own business and I get a message on linkdn, then on messenger on fb. He's been radio silent for two years. I have tried to find him, but it's not that easy. This guy was the gold. My chemical combustible. It was years since anyone could fill me like he did. But there were always issues. A month after we started dating he ghosted, then popped up to tell me he got back with his ex of 8 years. He didn't want to upset me but felt bad about saying nothing at all. I was so annoyed that I made it my business to seduce him. He could have been lying to avoid having an actual relationship with me and reducing it to just sex. I didn't care. But over time it seemed like everything was when he wanted to. He married her, and kept seeing me. They would break up again, and we'd still see each other. But he'd move back in with his parents, and I was sharing a house with no visitors rules so we'd have to get cheap hotel rooms. He wouldn't allow me to pay for anything. If he was broke, well we didn't get together. 

Sometimes for months. No matter how bad I wanted to see him, I couldn't. 

Having someone turn you on this way is rare. If I never got into a relationship I'd be perfectly happy rolling around with him. 

Then he fell off the planet. 

I'd have to try and forget about him.

Trying to have chemical reactions like that with someone else would be daunting. Depressing. Unfulfilling. I'd meet a guy on my quest that came damn close. Really damn close. But he had all sorts of family issues so I wouldn't see him for months at a time either. If I could go back and forth between them I'd be happy forever. But it was always high and dry with both. Unreturned texts for weeks at a time. It's fucking bullshit and mad rude. 

I'm tired of rude.

Mr. outer space of course after being gone for two years expected to get together and have sex right away. Come over under the cover of night like he never left. In theory it was exciting until I realized. I'd changed.

I like sex.
But I also like dinner.
Lunch
Movies
trips to Vegas.

I am not a slave girl who gets summoned and doesn't get to have any feelings about anything that happens to her. If either of these guys could be cordial, and do something nice from time to time like take me out. It would be cool. BUT it's too much for either of them. Yeah the sex is great. But there isn't enough of it. They keep me waiting. If I were to text either one to say I wanted it right now. I couldn't have it. This is problematic. One has two kids he has every other week so if he's with them, of course he can't be here. The other is just laden with excuses on any given day. 

I'm tired of this completely one sided bullshit. I'm reinventing. I'm trying to elevate on many levels. Ideally I'd want to be in love with someone who was in love with me, and have brain melting sex with him. But I shuttle between these two instead, or in the meantime.

I'm sitting here not caring if I ever see either of them again. I guess I better get hunting for mister wonderful.