Why does everything have to be such a fucking struggle?

I was supposed to start my new job tonight. It was a shock because we were originally told we had two days of training. But we ended up with only one. So at 4pm I am told I am working at 2am. So I am freaking out trying to figure out how much sleep I need. Plus I have to eat. I was anxious as hell.

I went to bed at 7. I laid in bed worrying I would oversleep. I figured I would get up at midnight, eat something get dressed pack lunch then call a lyft at 1am. Everything seemed cool. UNTIL....

I unknowingly I had the wrong address. I thought I was going to 900 S Alameda. Totally wrong spot. I spent an hour looking for something that didn't exist. I called a lyft to go home. The driver happened to get in my business and he knew where I was going for real. He turnt the meter off and took me. He hung out while I waited to get in. There were 4 buzzers and no one answered. I couldn't get in. Not to mention where this place is is spooky as hell. It's also right next to the twin towers. They let out the overflow inmates about this time of night. So I called another lyft. The first lyft driver waited with me cause it was spooky. 

I came home and got on line to see what the fuck. I called the line is busy. I read the yelp reviews and they are awful. I'm super angry because now I am missing a day of pay. I have to go to the main office and tell them what happened and pray I am not fired. 

I have been planning my escape though this job for weeks. Now it's here and I am anxious as hell. I want to get to the next level. I want my life to change. It's going to take cash. This cash is supposed to fuel my business ventures so I can have even more money coming in. So I can eat clean, get into dance class, afford supplements, get a car and work more for myself. Be free. 

I am sick to my stomach because I don't know what I will do if this job drops me. I thought I had it figured out by getting this job. I just don't want to fail. When I was walking down the wrong street I was crying because I don't want to lose. I felt all my plans catching on fire. It seems that I have a knack for getting lost and losing out on things. I feel like my life is on the line now. I can't keep living the same life over and over. I need change.

pray for me

Science is on my side

The Hell I am going through

The neurotypical spouse is adversely affected as a result of these deficits:

• Empathy disorder
• Emotional immaturity and deficiencies in Theory of Mind
• Deficiencies in the ability to express and receive emotions and affection
• Lack of understanding of the connection between an intimate, mutual atmosphere of tenderness and cohesion and the sexual intercourse
• Deficiencies in the ability and desire for mutual communication, shared interests and shared social experiences
• Sensory disorders that may cause the AS-partner’s reluctance to physical touch, smell, taste, etc.
• Deficits in the ability to understand non-verbal communication, which represent 75-90 percent of all communication – and probably even more when it comes to the intimate and sexual “language” including flirtation and the fore-play
• Extreme preoccupation with own needs and obsessions and limited ability to see the needs of others.

The above is what I am dealing with in the man I feel like I love. I have guilt because I get angry and frustrated that I can't get the things I really desire from him. Like he can't understand feelings. He doesn't get passion. He doesn't understand sentimentality. There were a few times he came over and we laid on my bed watching tv and he put his arm around me and we snuggled. I would occasionally kiss his cheek. 

It's just if he's aroused it's like gang busters. Which there is nothing wrong with. But then there is a loss of momentum in the middle of everything which leaves me high and dry and frustrated as hell. He doesn't have the ability to talk through this so I get angry. Why did I have to have feelings for someone who can't give me what I want emotionally and physically.

I feel like there is something wrong with ME.

Because I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop wanting to see him. I get upset when I tell him I want to see him and he makes no effort to see me. That it will always be this way.

I just hate myself for loving him.

When I think of it, it's kind of genius

When I was coming up in Ohio with my grandparents, they lived an upper middle class existence. I remember being forbidden to go the the skating rink or to the fair because those 'weren't the kind' of kids my grandma approved of. 

Some females talk about having a thing for bad boys. Wanting the guys on the wrong side of the tracks. I was the opposite. Swooning over the smartest guys, or the ones who were the best at sports. Chasing after hood dudes seemed backward. It wasn't anything I would ever participate in.

You find yourself listening carefully to people's stories about themselves. How they speak, the words they choose, and how they paint themselves. A mentality is the most important thing. You can be from the hood but know you don't have to stay there forever. You can like some things about the hood but not be defined by it. You can be a part of the hood but not allow it to shape your relationship to right and wrong.

The asbergers guy stated once 'I'm like Georgie Porgie.' The song. 'Kiss the girls and make them cry.' I rolled my eyes. Mainly because I am not a girl, I am a grown assed woman.

But I would know the frustration he could create. However I am educated and believe in therapy and psychology. Most black people do not. Most lower income black people would rather drink or drug themselves to death rather than get therapy and help for their issues. I could bet dollars to doughnuts he has never been officially diagnosed. Just told he has a 'learning disability.' It's left at that.

The thing that occurred to me is that this disorder in men and boys of color can easily masquerade itself as toxic masculinity; therefore normalizing it. Since men and boys of color are ignored in therapeutic circles, the behavior is never questioned. Being emotionally unavailable, and unable to express empathy becomes normal. Being stuck in a perpetual state of childhood and having no interest in other people other than themselves becomes a signature rather than a syndrome. 

I started to wonder how much trauma either while a child is in the womb or in infancy has to do with a childs ability to develop in a normal fashion. Can asbergers go undetected in small children if no one is paying attention anyway? If no one is trying to communicate and grow a child does it take longer to know that a child has the syndrome? Since therapy isn't an option then labels get hung. "That retarded kid" or "That slow kid". Being absorbed by a ghetto landscape makes it next to impossible to know a syndrome is happening.  People continually try to deal with the subject in normal settings and get frustrated or heartbroken because the person with the syndrome cannot function like everyone else. The male becomes that 'cad that breaks hearts left and right,' when in actuality he can't process emotion. He can't express it or react to it in an empathetic way. Women think he's carved out of stone. Nope, it's just asbergers.

Kinda genius.

Cliche'

Every woman goes through a time when there isn't anyone in her life. 

There may be a guy here or there that have digestible traits, but overall aren't dateable for whatever reason.

Guy 1. Met like 4 years ago. He has 2 kids, he lives at home with his sick mother and stepdad. He goes to school and works. He has very little free time. 

We have a sexual chemistry that is very satisfying. We have hung out and gone to movies and dinners but that was in the beginning. I know if I sleep with him it will be good. But I barely get to see him. If I am lucky once every three months.

Guy 2. Met 8 months ago. We belonged to an on line community. I figured since we live in the same town why don't we know eachother. I went to meet him at his shop. I liked him right away. One of the first things he told me is he has a learning disability. I didn't think much about it at the time. But as time went on I realized he's on the asbergers spectrum. He's 37, lives with his mother, and has been to jail even though I can't really get a straight answer from him. It was something traffic related. So he doesn't own a car either. He drives his mother's car but can't have passengers per whatever judgement.

I am wildly physically attracted to him. Little did I know what I struggle I would be in for. There are several elements against me. The asbergers, plus the fact that he is a black man raised in the hood. He regularly referred to women as bitches when we met. He bragged about how big he was too which was super childish to me. But it would become clear that I was dealing with someone who hadn't progressed past the 10th grade. 

He seemed completely obsessed with having a kid. He would talk on a loop about getting me pregnant. I told him I'm too old to get pregnant not to mention I never want to be pregnant or give birth. Not just that but all the things that have to be in place before any of that happens. A solid relationship and finances, health insurance, and extended family to help grow a child. He can't even tell me how he feels about me. He doesn't openly express affection. Getting him to kiss me is a full time job. I usually like to spend time making out with a guy before I have sex with him. Seeing how he touches me with our clothes on. 

The first time we had sex he came over like gangbusters and talking like a high school kid would. "Why did you call me over here." It was all a rush to the finish line. I kept trying to concentrate on the moment and how things felt but things were going to fast I couldn't focus on anything. There were barely any kisses, no foreplay and then he has his 'I won't kiss you after you have gone down on me' issue. So dealing with that after was frustrating as hell. Afterward he text that next time he'd be more throurough. Yeah ok.

Two weeks would pass before he'd come back. We'd watch TV for a while and cuddle. I'd try and touch him and kiss his neck. He jumps up and gets undressed and he's in my mouth. I love the way he talks to me. It's a huge turn on. We were all over the bed and I was every excited. At one point he asks if he should go in raw. I told him no. He's not getting me pregnant. So no. He took out a condom and put it on. He wanted me on my knees. Next thing I knew he was going soft and saying it wasn't going to happen. He said he has 'alot on his mind' and that he 'worked out that day'. He works out early in the morning this was 8 at night. I was a little angry. He didn't offer to finish me off or anything. We just watched tv naked. I wanted to talk about what happened, but knew there would be no point. I don't think he's ever had a mature relationship with a grown woman who knows what she wants. I know I am wasting my time and heart on him but I don't understand why I want him so much. 

I have these fantasies of him breaking out of this not communicating thing, and take trips places and are in love. He's expressive and affectionate and he gives me little presents. He gives me long kisses and tells me I'm hot. He hasn't once complimented me. He pokes me in my belly. He once slapped me in it. When I asked him why he said because it was jiggling. I didn't know what to think. It felt borderline abusive.

All I think is how I deserve more. How I shouldn't be struggling like this for simple affection and attention. I get really angry. Like tonight I text that I'd love to see him. No response. Anger.

I am on the verge of a career change that would catapult me financially. I think he's worried about it. Like why would I want him then? The funny part is it's not material stuff that would keep me loyal. It's the simple things he can do but won't or can't do. Being available. Being emotionally available. Being affectionate. Telling me what I mean to him. I don't think he has the capacity to do these things. How the hell would I justify having a kid with him. He expresses zero emotion. I have seen him more excited over doughnuts than me. It's really humiliating. 

Why am I here?
Why is this happening to me?
Why can't I be attracted to someone who can meet my needs?

I beat myself up.

The Embarrassing truth

I have been doing on line training for marketing. It was pretty grueling. But at the end they ask these questions. "What is the reason you decided to get into this business."

The most obvious is because I am sick of struggling and being underpaid. My whole adult life I have been low balled at work, and many times worked a full time job and been homeless. I am currently working for $5 and I can't take it anymore. I am sick to death of worrying about money. Even more than that WANTING things I cannot have.

I remember as a teenager seeing adults. Who had traveled the world, who had great places to live that were well lived in (a decade or more) and tons of books and records and clothes. Wardrobe that made them look interesting and worldly. I remember thinking 'I can't wait till I get older and have those things.' Of course at the time you don't know the ins and outs of life. You don't understand how much things cost, or how much you will have to sacrifice in order to have those things. I guess I thought that over time you just fell into them because that's what you did. It never once occurred to me that I would be 50 years old with nothing to show for my journey. It's been weighing on me heavily. 

I was waiting for a bus after getting supplies for work. A tall darkskinned guy rode by on a bike. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Next thing I knew he rode up behind me. I had headphones on so I didn't hear him. He was ok looking but clearly a kid. He had a hellacious body odor. He is riding a bike so I can't really hold it against him. Or can I? He of course asks if he can get my number. I say no. He asks why. I tell him it's not a good idea. I thank him for the nice conversation. He rides away. That's the typical guy that approaches me. Someone young enough to be my son. 

I want this to stop. 

I want to look like a grown woman, not a teenager. Even if I am in my style bag. I want to be clearly a grown up. 

I want a car.

I want a nice apartment in a mixed neighborhood.

I most of all want a relationship with a man whom I have things in common with and who wants to connect with me on the deepest levels. Someone I can have things in common with. Take places, bring around my friends. Plan with. Be in synch with. When there are museum events he's there. When I say Lupe Fiasco is in town in a few days, he has tickets the next minute and is saying we'll go to dinner first. When I say Alvin Ailey is coming to town he's on top of that too. He is sophisticated but he loves GOOD hip hop and all sorts of music. He has exceptional emotional intellect. He is affectionate but he understands I need my space. He's hot in my eyes. He treats me like a queen, and he's worthy of being king.

All this takes money. 

Money to transform into my best self. 

Right now I feel invisible and judged. 

I am stressed all of the time about money. I stress eat. I comfort eat. I have a sugar addiction. I feel out of control. I want to become vegan but I don't want to starve or not enjoy food anymore. I am researching it. Funny thing. A couple of guys that I found myself attracted to, are vegan. I think this is the right direction. I need a better income and a car to be able to go to the outdoor markets to get food to eat so I can lose weight and eat healthy. I stress about this constantly, which drives me to chocolate.

I haven't been in a relationship in 20+ years and don't see another unless I change my body back to what it was before. 

I also want to get surgery on my knee to fix it so I can get back to dance classes too. Dancing was my safe place. My stress relief. I haven't done it regularly and I want to be able to. I could try now, but I am hyper aware of my knee. Like wearing heels would be a mistake because of the weight that would be on my knees. It gives out sometimes without warning. I want all that fixed. That costs money. 

So I have to dig in and get serious about making the money to get it done.