One of the driving forces to leave the northwest was the racial and emotional divide that was drawn through the city I was in. It was a profound type of hurt to have men of your own race openly disparage your whole gender and praise white women. To be looking good and feeling fine walking down the street and have a nice looking black man walking toward you and either go out of his way to turn his head away from you as if you are a disgusting odor he is trying to avoid, look right through you or cross the street in the middle of the block to avoid even passing you on the sidewalk. If there was contact, it was of the lowest form as in cat calls and propositions for sex, and nothing more. Scores of black women packed into the valley with black children to raise; while their babies fathers worship at the feet of white women, and coo over their half black babies while ignoring their all black ones.
I felt like I was in the midst of an epidemic, and I would continue to suffer from it, or have to made dew with being exoticised by curious white boys and try and pretend I was in relationships with men whom; when the novelty wore off had no room for me in their lives.
When I came to LA and began on line dating, of course my eyes would gravitate to men of color. One particular day I saw a guy, who's pictures were somehow out of focus, but I could tell he was reasonably attractive. He mentioned he was from Seattle, so I figured we could bond over that somehow. We messaged and then planned to meet at a club with friends on my Birthday. He was a bi racial guy with short cropped hair and a wide nose. He was attractive and sort of quiet. His friend was a lanky white guy who looked like he was a big punk rock fan. We all sat and talked at the local neighborhood bar / nightclub. He would tell me that he was adopted by a white family in Seattle, and had a hard time fitting in. I asked if he had any black friend there. He told me no, which was not shocking. Many white families who adopt black children don't go out of their way to keep their black child connected to the black community. Many adoptees find themselves having identity crises as adults because of this. And even avoiding contact with people of their own race because of the awkwardness. We seemed to be getting along fine and having a decent outing. However, when he and his buddy realized there were gay people in there dancing with eachother they were grossed out and wanted to leave. (I'd only find that out many weeks later)
We'd talk later and make plans to meet. We met for a meal and he seemed really preoccupied with everyone behind me. He then tells me he suffers from body dismorphic disorder. That he can't look at himself in a mirror and pictures are completely out of the question. I put my phone up to pretend to take a photo and he nearly went ballistic. I wondered if the way he grew up had anything to do with his self image now. He would describe himself as ugly; which he clearly was not. But when guys pull the UGLY card, that is usually my cue to exit stage left. He noticed my out of date flip phone and offered me one of his many smart phones, 'as a birthday gift.' I felt surprised that he'd give me something so nice as he barely knew me. I struggled with such and expensive gift. I initially said no that's okay. But he kept bringing it up. "It's okay I don't need it. It's just sitting in a drawer anyway, you'd midas well have a new phone." How could I say no to that.
On our next date we would plan to go to the Brewery Art Walk. He brought the phone to me and I thanked him with a nice hug. When we got to the brewery we walked around the campus, going into the different lofts and shops looking at peoples art work. One shop had a wall of old baby dolls. I looked over them and jokingly said 'Where are the black dolls?' and giggled. He shot a look at me. All in all we had a good time perusing the winding hallways of some of the buildings and getting lost once. He was a cool guy, once you forgot about his disorder.
Next thing I knew I got a voicemail from him saying he couldn't see me anymore because I was 'a toxic person.' His friend had pointed this out to him so he could no longer see me. You mean the friend from the bar? Really? His punk rock friend was very overbearing and couldn't stand when he didn't focus all of his energy on him. Personally I think the guy was in love with him.
Really unfortunate sitch.
Ps: I sold his stupid smart phone on craigslist for $75
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