this thirsty ass mofo....

a message I got yesterday

(man holding a clearly fussy child)

"Wow I am here looking at your profile....uuussshhh God when I saw your profile I must say I was really captivated and absorbed, my heart stumbled for you my eyes are on you I have never seen a woman that look so captivating, enchanting, charming, gorgeous, sweet in my life before.
You are the most sweetest woman I have ever seen in my life, I am looking for a partner in life and I want someone That will be there for each other both in bad and good times, I think you are the...."

me: that's a lot to absorb. thank you

"Awwwwww ....baby thanks for the reply I cant wait to be with a lovely woman like you baby cos you sound very lovely and caring ur profile shows that u are of the the best woman on earth baby and I can't wait to have you and spend the rest of my life with you baby ad i cant wait to get to know you more better than this the if God wants we can be together for the rest of our lives.

me: no thanks.


blek.

Is it ugly if it's possibly true?

A guy I know (who is black and loves white women) and I were riding the train. We were talking about black films, and then started talking about the whole Bill Cosby fiasco. Somehow the topic turned to Lupita Nuongo. I was mentioning how she is in so many fashion magazines. I also pointed out that if her name was Tanya Jones and she was from Brooklyn, no one would be talking about her. She most likely would have never been in the 12 years movie. I am certain Tanya Jones' path would have traveled a much different one than Lupita's. Lupita lived a pretty stellar life and went to some pretty amazing colleges. Would Tayna have had the same access as a black american girl? I huge part of me says no. If Tanya and Lupita, looking identically; choosing identical careers as actresses had shown up for the same part, what differences in their auditions would their be? The guy on the train with me went along to say he didn't find Lupita attractive at all. Also that her 'fame' comes from her acting out a white man's fantasy in 12 years a slave. I hadn't really thought about it from that angle. It was an ugly idea, and suddenly cast disgusting shadow on her triumph. It was sad that a black man pointed it out.

The point I am getting at is that if a black person ISN'T American, and has an accent, suddenly they become exotic and acceptable in the mainstream. If Alek Wek the supermodel would have been from say Jersey would she still be famous, or just ugly? What about Naomi Campbell? 

I have done experiments with accents, and it's totally true people treat you differently if you have one.  I don't put one on to date however. I often wondered what would happen if I showed up with one. These days you barely talk on the phone to people anyway. 

As a black woman when you broaden your horizons and open to dating other races; it tends to come along with some silly stuff sometimes. I'd say 90% of the time it's a test in patience. You find yourself having to get really good at weeding out guys who are just 'curious' from ones who sincerely want to date you. Some guys will date you, but never take you around their friends or families. Some guys pose the hypothetical to their friends, and see what they would say or do. If they don't approve or say some negative stuff about dating a black woman, guess what? You are on the way out. Fewer calls, fewer dates and eventually dropped all together. Don't get me started on the sexual things. Some guys get really disappointed when they realize you are just like other women sexually. Sometimes they do so immediately after. They expected some sort of jungle gymnastics, or their penises to be bigger after. When they aren't YOU are the dud. You get treated as if you stole something, like you falsely advertised and now he can't stand you. 

Every now and then there is the naive guy whom it doesn't occur to that there would be any cultural difference to navigate through. The first time he is confronted with the negativity from society about dating a black woman, he is genuinely upset. It may send him packing, or he may brush it off. Brush it off guy is few and far between. So you go in secretly bracing yourself for the inevitability that some confrontation or at least heavy shade will happen. I went to eat with a white guy who I was not dating. He was only a friend. As we were leaving the restaurant, a very shabby black man with an equally shabby white woman in tow was coming in. He saw my friend and I and immediately took it upon himself to curse me out. "You giving it up to the white man, you a sad bitch." My friend was stunned by the language of this hypocrite. All I did was point at his 'friend' who was standing next to him.  He can do it, but I have to sit home alone while you do it? Nah. Aint happening. 

There's a saying in some communities. 'Get in where you fit in.' If someone doesn't want you move on. I dated white guys, but there was always something missing. A something that I felt robbed of. A something that was a part of me, and I couldn't live without. I would go through things that they couldn't understand, or shield me from. Moreover it wasn't the shiny popular, educated, super attractive upwardly mobile white guys I was dating. I was dating the 'I can't get a date to save my life for some reason or another' white guys. The ones other women wouldn't date. Which would get to be an issue after a while because of who I am. I need mental stimulation. I need someone to be as interested in me as I am in him. I need to be challenged in some areas, and none of them could ever provide that. I couldn't risk settling and having kids with one of these. I had to do something about it.

I had to run.

I had to be around people of color.

The south has those right?

celebrity site...

I am always wary when celebrities want to get into the dating game. Their sites are always stupid expensive and the selection is dependably motley. A new one popped up, and for poops and grins I thought I would sign up. But there was a glitch, so I couldn't. A few months later I would see the ad again and try again. I would get through the sign up and expect not to be able to communicate with anyone without paying at least $30 for a month. This was the case. But I was curious about the selection and who they would match me with. 

I sent out winks and what not to see if anyone would respond, but of course the way the site is set up unless I pay the $30 I won't know. At least some sites let you see who winked, so you can at least say 'oooh the cute guy winked back, let me get my credit card.' This way you pay and you see that Grady and Fred Sanford have sent you e mails. 
Enter sad trombone.

So I get one of those 'here are your matches' e mails and open it up and I kid you not; I went into full in Bernie Mac mode when I saw who was in there. "Awww LORD!" I think I even winced.  Three members of Levert, Samuel L Jacksons much heavier brother, and Danny Trejo's cousin were waiting for me. 

These are my matches?
You will NEVER get that $30 out of me.

Contemplating taking my profile out of dogtown.

case in point...

One of the driving forces to leave the northwest was the racial and emotional divide that was drawn through the city I was in. It was a profound type of hurt to have men of your own race openly disparage your whole gender and praise white women. To be looking good and feeling fine walking down the street and have a nice looking black man walking toward you and either go out of his way to turn his head away from you as if you are a disgusting odor he is trying to avoid, look right through you or cross the street in the middle of the block to avoid even passing you on the sidewalk. If there was contact, it was of the lowest form as in cat calls and propositions for sex, and nothing more. Scores of black women packed into the valley with black children to raise; while their babies fathers worship at the feet of white women, and coo over their half black babies while ignoring their all black ones. 

I felt like I was in the midst of an epidemic, and I would continue to suffer from it, or have to made dew with being exoticised by curious white boys and try and pretend I was in relationships with men whom; when the novelty wore off had no room for me in their lives. 

When I came to LA and began on line dating, of course my eyes would gravitate to men of color. One particular day I saw a guy, who's pictures were somehow out of focus, but I could tell he was reasonably attractive. He mentioned he was from Seattle, so I figured we could bond over that somehow. We messaged and then planned to meet at a club with friends on my Birthday. He was a bi racial guy with short cropped hair and a wide nose. He was attractive and sort of quiet. His friend was a lanky white guy who looked like he was a big punk rock fan. We all sat and talked at the local neighborhood bar / nightclub. He would tell me that he was adopted by a white family in Seattle, and had a hard time fitting in. I asked if he had any black friend there. He told me no, which was not shocking. Many white families who adopt black children don't go out of their way to keep their black child connected to the black community. Many adoptees find themselves having identity crises as adults because of this. And even avoiding contact with people of their own race because of the awkwardness. We seemed to be getting along fine and having a decent outing. However, when he and his buddy realized there were gay people in there dancing with eachother they were grossed out and wanted to leave. (I'd only find that out many weeks later)

We'd talk later and make plans to meet. We met for a meal and he seemed really preoccupied with everyone behind me. He then tells me he suffers from body dismorphic disorder. That he can't look at himself in a mirror and pictures are completely out of the question. I put my phone up to pretend to take a photo and he nearly went ballistic. I wondered if the way he grew up had anything to do with his self image now. He would describe himself as ugly; which he clearly was not. But when guys pull the UGLY card, that is usually my cue to exit stage left. He noticed my out of date flip phone and offered me one of his many smart phones, 'as a birthday gift.' I felt surprised that he'd give me something so nice as he barely knew me. I struggled with such and expensive gift. I initially said no that's okay. But he kept bringing it up. "It's okay I don't need it. It's just sitting in a drawer anyway, you'd midas well have a new phone." How could I say no to that. 

On our next date we would plan to go to the Brewery Art Walk. He brought the phone to me and I thanked him with a nice hug. When we got to the brewery we walked around the campus, going into the different lofts and shops looking at peoples art work. One shop had a wall of old baby dolls. I looked over them and jokingly said 'Where are the black dolls?' and giggled. He shot a look at me. All in all we had a good time perusing the winding hallways of some of the buildings and getting lost once. He was a cool guy, once you forgot about his disorder.

Next thing I knew I got a voicemail from him saying he couldn't see me anymore because I was 'a toxic person.' His friend had pointed this out to him so he could no longer see me. You mean the friend from the bar? Really? His punk rock friend was very overbearing and couldn't stand when he didn't focus all of his energy on him. Personally I think the guy was in love with him. 

Really unfortunate sitch.

Ps: I sold his stupid smart phone on craigslist for $75

up the wrong tree..

I had a memory of meeting a nice mild mannered sort of nerdy black guy before I left Seattle. He was tall, brown skinned like I was, on the thin side and reasonably attractive. He wore his hair cut low and very plain clothes. No frills or trendy anything, but clean and nicely presented. I was attracted to his quirkiness and intellect. We both loved the first Matrix movie. He read lots of black literature and I swooned when we talked about our favorite books. Our first date we went to a bookstore and played the 'what is this book about' game based on the cover art. It was a perfectly whimsical day. I went home full of hope and giddy with the excitement of seeing him again. 

Then...

We were having a conversation that night and he tells me that he wants to be kept by a middle aged white woman. 'You know, like Martha Stewart.' I threw up a little in my mouth. I waited for him to burst out laughing and say sike. He never did. I asked if he was serious, and he said he was dead serious. "That's what I like, middle aged white women." 
I was thrown to the side again. Even if I saw him again, how could I ignore what he told me? It made me nauseous. It made my head hurt. I just wanted to forget him.

Fast forward a decade and there is this vision of perfection on line again. He friend requests me on a social media site. I say yes and he disappears. He reappears on another social media site. We are friends there too. He is gorgeous, with dreadlocks, and a musician. He's the ALT black man that I long for but can never capture the attention of. The unfortunate side affect of the ALT black man is that he can sometimes be a product of being in an all white community which tells him he is odd, unusual. Or a novelty. Being a novelty he somehow misconstrues as being special and embraces the idea that he is a pet to whites. His idea of what is beautiful then becomes the dominant culture, and he then loses touch with his own. White women constantly pursue him and are always sexually available to him. He doesn't have to do any work. Just be the 'black guy' in the room, and they will stampede. He doesn't realize he's being exoticised , and used as a human dildo. I guess men don't care about that as long as they get all the sex and adoration they think want. 

Now with that being said....

Breaking through this mentality is nearly impossible. I pine away from afar. He is on the other side of the country. What can I do. I swore off long distance crap. I need to be held and look into someone's eyes. Then I, decide to move across country. He lives in the city where I am moving. 

On one blazingly hot day I am doing errands all over town. It is 100 degrees out and I am sweating like crazy. I have a sweat stain through the front of my t shirt. I get on the train and who is standing in the crowd reading a book? HIM! I couldn't believe it! But I was in no condition to make myself known. I was a mess, and covered in sweat. I tried to twist around to see what book he was reading but I couldn't find out. He was even more gorgeous in person. Nothing sexier than a man who reads.

I found out through friends what his real name was, and then would eventually see his name in groups I was in in FB. I would friend request him and he would accept. Naturally I wouldn't be able to resist going through his pictures. In most of them he would be the only black person. The bands he was in same thing. In one set of photos it would look like he was on a road trip to Texas. There would be a gangly red headed woman with him. Not traditionally pretty in any way. They seemed friendly, then there were photos of a motel. Then the motel swimming pool. Most off putting, her in the room posing in her swimsuit. She was clearly trying to seduce him. The next picture she is standing with a gangly white dude at what seems like a wedding reception.  The swimsuit in the room picture made my stomach churn like Martha Stewart had. 

It seemed that women of color were categorically dismissed. That we have become invisible to men like this. That black women when they were coming up may have called them names or accused them of being soft. So they held onto this their whole lives. All black women are the same. All black women are ignorant and judgmental. Especially the ones that aren't covered in tattoos, piercings, wear natural hair and are societies preference of skinny. If you aren't these then you don't have a snowballs chance in hell to maybe catch his attention. So I have to become some rock n roll cliche to get your attention? I have to prove that I am not 'like other black women' in order for you to give me the time of day? The Lenny Kravitz' and Ben Harper's of the world feel rejected by black people as a whole, so black women are not on their radar. Even if they are successful, rich and beautiful. They are still black. An slightly overweight, financially struggling ok looking girl can just forget it. Regardless of all the things they have in common.  

Is it self hatred? I have heard it called preference. "I prefer being with ANY other race except my own." A buck toothed fat white woman with multiple baby fathers over a gorgeous, educated black woman with no children. He picks the fat white woman. 

I can't waste my life with this foolishness. 

it's funny...

On line dating is a cycle of rejecting and being rejected. I get really tired of guys 'favoriting' me but never speaking. I sometimes send them e mail. They do not answer.

The strange turn of events is that I am noticing that black men in their mid 40's look a lot like my father the last time I saw him. It skeeves me out completely. I mean literally turns my stomach. It's weird, but true. These poor guys are messaging me without a clue. It's not like I can post a pic on my page of my dad, and give a caption 'if you look anything like this guy, do not bother; the answer is HELL NO.' I also have problems with men who remind me of family members. Can't find them attractive either. It's so odd in a way how a man can look at my picture and find me attractive, and I can look back at his and not find him attractive in the least. The same happens to me too. I find a guy attractive, and he doesn't find me attractive back. It's a cycle. 

I am looking forward to moving so I can get out and be social. Go to events and clubs I want to and maybe meet guys the organic way. My Bff god love her is a few years older than I am so she sometimes tends to go places with a crowd a little older than I am comfortable hanging with. I don't target younger men, but I am not uncomfortable around them either. 35 to me is a good age. You could be ready for a relationship at 35. That's pretty much a grown ass man. As long as he isn't still living at home being coddled to death by his mother that is.

There comes a moment when I think, maybe dating forever is my thing. I will have to always have more than one man in my life to keep me going. I'd love to get deep and close with someone. It's just not all up to me. Men can sometimes complicate things in ways that I care not to unravel. I just leave it alone and go to the next one. Also I have a hard time understanding my instincts. The last guy that threw me for a loop I couldn't understand why. We liked to watch documentaries, but separately. He'd recommend something, and I'd watch and visa versa. We'd loan each other books and then talk about them after each has read them. That was a huge turn on for me. Other areas he made me a little nuts. He worked two jobs so he was very limited time wise. But he would barely keep in touch. I would be lucky to hear from him once a week. I saw him twice a month. It wasn't quite enough for me. The sex was pretty good. But could use more time to get great. I never got that time. He met someone whom he decided he wanted a relationship with. Then he moved to Long Beach too. Much farther away. It took me a couple of months to get my last book from him. I had a bone to pick with him too over something that he did. I just wanted to tell him how it made me feel so I didn't walk around feeling angry about it. It was incredibly disrespectful and once he did it I knew he wasn't the guy for me. Ever since then I have been really reserved about how I feel about anyone. So I keep a distance. I don't expect it to be this way forever. Hopefully I will get past this. 

Maybe once I start making real money and get back into dancing and working out and can be around people whom I click with it will get easier. 

In the meantime, I have been having sex dreams about this guy WTH. He lives in another state. He's an artist, and a friend of a friend. I think I crush him.

an e mail I sent.

I read your profile a couple of times. I thought, 'The brains on this guy.'

Super hot.

I teetered on whether or not to get up out of bed in the middle of the damn night to write to you. I thought I should, because I would most likely forget if I went back to sleep and tried to do it in the morning.

I made note that you liked if a lady were in the 90 percentile, and saw I was nowhere close, so I did some investigating. I looked at the questions to see where we went horribly wrong. I hate that we can have the same answer to the same question but one of our answers is red, so OKC says we don't match on that topic. Grrr. I didn't catch anything that gave me serious pause, so I am not sure why we matched so miserably low.

I figured as long as we agree using each others tooth brushes is utterly disgusting, I think we're on point. LOL!

I did get to the very end of your profile and had to pump my breaks because I didn't quite know what you meant by 'burner'. So I am asking. Does that mean smoking the wacky tabaky? Or someone who attends burning man? (since that was one of your desires)  I wasn't sure.

I don't smoke, and don't participate in the lifestyle. Makes me unpopular but oh well.

Not many guys make me have to google stuff in their profile. Kind of ok with that.

I noticed you live 20 miles from me as well. That made me a little melancholy, yet here I am writing despite the obstacles. You could be the bees knees. I want to take the time to find out.

If you don't see fit to drop a line back. It's cool.

I just wanted to see what was up in your camp.  

did you or didn't you?

It is really confusing when on dating sites they have options to 'choose' someone. You either swipe right or star them. If you do the same you match. This is pretty cool in theory. Like you cut to the chase because you are both interested. You just hold hands and skip off into the sunset right?

Not so much.

I have YET to have a guy who has starred me actually SPEAK to me. Hey dude, we picked eachother, so what's good? I don't type that of course. But why bother picking someone if you have no intention of talking to them?

Same goes for those guys who swipe right and then when you match they unmatch themselves! WHAT THE HELL? 

Could this be the answer to the great mystery of why you are single? You run from people who actually are interested in you? Are you obsessively messaging a woman who won't answer you back? 

I bet you are!

another one of THOSE articles...

It is always puzzling why a site geared toward black women posts articles that basically say why were going to die alone.
These same articles underline how in the on line dating scene, we are the LEAST desired EVEN by black men. It's one of those things that you want to call bullshit upon; but when you are living it there isn't much you can scoff at.

It's funny how you are single, and meet other single people and can see why they are single as well. They will most likely stay single longer than you will, because they don't get what they are doing wrong. It's awkward to say 'Hey fella, if you DIDN'T talk about this on a date, that would be good.' I mean it makes you into the bossy critical bitch that he was sure you would be anyway. It's funny how you go on date, they say and do a bunch of crap that turns you completely off; and you just stop speaking to them and go on to the next one. They might call, you avoid or make excuses. But you don't ever tell them the truth. If they knew the truth, maybe they could make the decision to change their behavior that is chasing women away. Or not.

Case in point. I go out with a nice guy. But I notice he has a band on his ring finger with jewels across it. Looks like a wedding band. I don't mention it. On our three dates he brings up his ex wife on each one. He tells me a story about taking her to Vegas to see Michael Jackson when she was married to someone else after their divorce? This is not a story you tell to a woman you just start dating. I finally ask about the wedding band and he tries to explain it away like it's nothing. I smelled bullshit. He of course started making excuses after that why he couldn't spend time with me. But none of them were 'I'm still hung up on my ex wife.'

Men don't get that talking about their exes or other women they have dated in general, especially in a negative light isn't a good look. I get that women do it too. It's not a good look there either. These people don't realize by doing so they are saying 'I HAVE BAGGAGE!' I would rather not compete.

Of course I want to find that cool, earthy, funny, intelligent, employed (or successful business owner) who is attractive to me, a snappy dresser, emotionally stable, generous kind and good in bed. Who doesn't live with his parents, and who can take you to decent adult dates regularly. 

But I would be lying if I didn't say that there are times that I feel because of the overall consensus against my race and gender that somehow I don't warrant the normal dating ritual. Netflix, fast food and pressure for sex is all you can really expect. Sometimes not even that. There seems to be this attitude sometimes that they don't have to do any work. Like guys date you because they are out of options, and or because they heard black women are promiscuous and they want to have sex. Either way, I am not a person. The message that is beamed out is that I am not lovable, I am not worthy to be a mate. I am only to be used and thrown away.

A person reading this could say I am whining, or allowing assholes to dictate the quality of my life. I could see how you would think that. I guess that's why I started writing this down. Because I want it to stop. I want to make the effort to change in order to attract the relationship I want to be in.

I observe and take in information. Analyze and wonder. Maybe entertain myself with the experiences in the meantime.