Everythingbag

I was supposed to get a check for $1500 as my last check back on Jan 11. But it was for $700. I was owed a bunch of cash. It's a federal job so they don't cut checks for the difference. You have to wait till the next payday. They tell me to bring all my time cards back and copy them so the supervisor can make the adjustments and get my cash right.

So two weeks go by and I go back to get the rest of my money. There is no check. The timecards are still sitting in the same spot on the supervisors desk. Nothing was done. I had to go around and around. Long story short I still have to wait two more weeks to get paid. I am angry. I can't afford to ride the bus. I have $3 on my pass which I have to use to get to the welfare office. I may be able to get tokens from my worker. 

I had so many plans for the money I worked for over the holidays.

1.) Make my down payment on my car.
2.) Get a dress form
3.) Invest in my bitcoin account
4.) Get my wardrobe in order.
5.) Get my apartment pulled together.

I got a few bucks in my bitcoin account. Because I didn't have food stamps I bought food. I got a little fabric. Paid bills. Then it was gone. Waiting for another check. When the check is short it's like you are still living paycheck to paycheck.

Everything was right down to the wire, so when I got my last check everything would be covered as far as bills. But since there was no check, there was no money in my account. So when my bills hit overdrawn. If I can't make a deposit by 9pm tonight, more fees. My account could be overdrawn by hundreds by the time I get paid. 

I feel sick.

On and on

New Years eve was a bust. He didn't come over. I suspected it was because mom wouldn't let him drive.

I sense there is a struggle between them. Some black women who aren't in relationships use their grown sons as substitutes for husbands. It's gross. But I imagine she is jealous that he wants to be with me so she flexes to try and get between us.

There was one of those zodiac related why you suck at relationships article on line. I supposedly sabotage my relationships. I call straight 100% bullshit on this. I haven't been in a relationship that I wanted to be in or that met most of my needs. I don't see the point of loyalty to someone who is basically starving me out. Why should I.

My feelings for the painter are getting stronger and I feel like I have to cut the feelings with something else. I can't get by on a few hours a week. I need quality time to be with him. I told him that and he acts like he gets it, and I am still waiting around. 

I got upset because he got a haircut before he went out tonight. Why does he have to look good before he goes out tonight? I got pissed off. He told me a week ago he was going out; but I have seen him 5 minutes this week. Be he's out having fun? I'd go out on my own but the job never paid me. I am flat broke. Not even bus faire. Which adds to my anger.

I can't handle the waiting. Or feeling like I'm not that important to him. He can't help it, but it doesn't change how I feel.

I can't wait to get a car so I can go where I want.

Corner turned then crashed and burned

Saturday night is usually the night he will come over. 

Well watch shows he hasn't seen, eat snacks and cuddle.

I feel like I love him because he's better and better looking every time I see him.

This last weekend it was really good. 

I love his body so much. He kind of reminds me of this African statue my parents had of a warrior standing with a spear. He had a leaf over his junk.

Except for the low haircut and lack of spear and leaf he looks like this warrior. He poses by the side of my bed looking down at me. I feel shivers because he's so gorgeous. I can't believe my luck to be with someone this gorgeous. He tells me to take off everything. I do what he says.

Before I can catch my breath he has slung me sideways on the bed and he's between my legs. He's mine.

I'm devoured
I can't breathe
I am finally feeling him
Waves of passion are radiating from him
His vocals say how much he's enjoying me

After I felt like a corner had been turned
Happy inside

All week I thought of him.
We spoke on the phone every other day.
We said we couldn't wait to see each other

It's the Christmas season and he owns a business that does retail. His hours were getting longer and longer the closer to Christmas they got.

We planned for him to come over Christmas eve and sleep over then we'd wake up Christmas morning together.

I'd cook lots of food I'd be able to warm up, bought Champagne and got excited.

And nothing

I expected the shop would be open late.
But he got home and collapsed.
I text 'Are you dead?'
He said 'Almost'.

That was all I heard till 1pm Christmas day.

I text this morning 'what time coming over'
He says 'not sure.'

I call and he's at work
On Christmas day
He still has work to do.

His nephew from Oakland is in town so he wants to say hello to him.

Then after he will see me.

He's leaving the shop around 3.

so maybe by the normal time 10pm he'll be here.

We'll see

3 weeks down 3 to go

So I got to the job and it was OVERWHELMING!

You know that cartoon factory music you hear on bugs bunny? That's what it's like in the morning.

I wasn't used to standing for long periods of time. My feet hurt like I was going to be crippled for life. I wanted to cry a few times. It hurt so bad I didn't know if I could continue. I saw my plans going up in flames because of the pain. I was trying everything to keep going. But now three weeks in, I am okay.

Of course the supervisors noticed how slow I was moving and called me into the office about it. I just said I was in pain. I had to get used to it.

I am not working near as many hours as I originally thought.

I fucked up my first week and forgot to submit my hours. So they won't be paid till the end of the month. So my first check was small. Enough to pay the bills but not to buy presents. Or to get my apartment the way I want it. 

Today I was feeling okay. I'll make it to end.

I just have to be smart.

Why does everything have to be such a fucking struggle?

I was supposed to start my new job tonight. It was a shock because we were originally told we had two days of training. But we ended up with only one. So at 4pm I am told I am working at 2am. So I am freaking out trying to figure out how much sleep I need. Plus I have to eat. I was anxious as hell.

I went to bed at 7. I laid in bed worrying I would oversleep. I figured I would get up at midnight, eat something get dressed pack lunch then call a lyft at 1am. Everything seemed cool. UNTIL....

I unknowingly I had the wrong address. I thought I was going to 900 S Alameda. Totally wrong spot. I spent an hour looking for something that didn't exist. I called a lyft to go home. The driver happened to get in my business and he knew where I was going for real. He turnt the meter off and took me. He hung out while I waited to get in. There were 4 buzzers and no one answered. I couldn't get in. Not to mention where this place is is spooky as hell. It's also right next to the twin towers. They let out the overflow inmates about this time of night. So I called another lyft. The first lyft driver waited with me cause it was spooky. 

I came home and got on line to see what the fuck. I called the line is busy. I read the yelp reviews and they are awful. I'm super angry because now I am missing a day of pay. I have to go to the main office and tell them what happened and pray I am not fired. 

I have been planning my escape though this job for weeks. Now it's here and I am anxious as hell. I want to get to the next level. I want my life to change. It's going to take cash. This cash is supposed to fuel my business ventures so I can have even more money coming in. So I can eat clean, get into dance class, afford supplements, get a car and work more for myself. Be free. 

I am sick to my stomach because I don't know what I will do if this job drops me. I thought I had it figured out by getting this job. I just don't want to fail. When I was walking down the wrong street I was crying because I don't want to lose. I felt all my plans catching on fire. It seems that I have a knack for getting lost and losing out on things. I feel like my life is on the line now. I can't keep living the same life over and over. I need change.

pray for me

Science is on my side

The Hell I am going through

The neurotypical spouse is adversely affected as a result of these deficits:

• Empathy disorder
• Emotional immaturity and deficiencies in Theory of Mind
• Deficiencies in the ability to express and receive emotions and affection
• Lack of understanding of the connection between an intimate, mutual atmosphere of tenderness and cohesion and the sexual intercourse
• Deficiencies in the ability and desire for mutual communication, shared interests and shared social experiences
• Sensory disorders that may cause the AS-partner’s reluctance to physical touch, smell, taste, etc.
• Deficits in the ability to understand non-verbal communication, which represent 75-90 percent of all communication – and probably even more when it comes to the intimate and sexual “language” including flirtation and the fore-play
• Extreme preoccupation with own needs and obsessions and limited ability to see the needs of others.

The above is what I am dealing with in the man I feel like I love. I have guilt because I get angry and frustrated that I can't get the things I really desire from him. Like he can't understand feelings. He doesn't get passion. He doesn't understand sentimentality. There were a few times he came over and we laid on my bed watching tv and he put his arm around me and we snuggled. I would occasionally kiss his cheek. 

It's just if he's aroused it's like gang busters. Which there is nothing wrong with. But then there is a loss of momentum in the middle of everything which leaves me high and dry and frustrated as hell. He doesn't have the ability to talk through this so I get angry. Why did I have to have feelings for someone who can't give me what I want emotionally and physically.

I feel like there is something wrong with ME.

Because I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop wanting to see him. I get upset when I tell him I want to see him and he makes no effort to see me. That it will always be this way.

I just hate myself for loving him.

When I think of it, it's kind of genius

When I was coming up in Ohio with my grandparents, they lived an upper middle class existence. I remember being forbidden to go the the skating rink or to the fair because those 'weren't the kind' of kids my grandma approved of. 

Some females talk about having a thing for bad boys. Wanting the guys on the wrong side of the tracks. I was the opposite. Swooning over the smartest guys, or the ones who were the best at sports. Chasing after hood dudes seemed backward. It wasn't anything I would ever participate in.

You find yourself listening carefully to people's stories about themselves. How they speak, the words they choose, and how they paint themselves. A mentality is the most important thing. You can be from the hood but know you don't have to stay there forever. You can like some things about the hood but not be defined by it. You can be a part of the hood but not allow it to shape your relationship to right and wrong.

The asbergers guy stated once 'I'm like Georgie Porgie.' The song. 'Kiss the girls and make them cry.' I rolled my eyes. Mainly because I am not a girl, I am a grown assed woman.

But I would know the frustration he could create. However I am educated and believe in therapy and psychology. Most black people do not. Most lower income black people would rather drink or drug themselves to death rather than get therapy and help for their issues. I could bet dollars to doughnuts he has never been officially diagnosed. Just told he has a 'learning disability.' It's left at that.

The thing that occurred to me is that this disorder in men and boys of color can easily masquerade itself as toxic masculinity; therefore normalizing it. Since men and boys of color are ignored in therapeutic circles, the behavior is never questioned. Being emotionally unavailable, and unable to express empathy becomes normal. Being stuck in a perpetual state of childhood and having no interest in other people other than themselves becomes a signature rather than a syndrome. 

I started to wonder how much trauma either while a child is in the womb or in infancy has to do with a childs ability to develop in a normal fashion. Can asbergers go undetected in small children if no one is paying attention anyway? If no one is trying to communicate and grow a child does it take longer to know that a child has the syndrome? Since therapy isn't an option then labels get hung. "That retarded kid" or "That slow kid". Being absorbed by a ghetto landscape makes it next to impossible to know a syndrome is happening.  People continually try to deal with the subject in normal settings and get frustrated or heartbroken because the person with the syndrome cannot function like everyone else. The male becomes that 'cad that breaks hearts left and right,' when in actuality he can't process emotion. He can't express it or react to it in an empathetic way. Women think he's carved out of stone. Nope, it's just asbergers.

Kinda genius.