A funny thing...

I was on facebook just now and I saw a familiar name in the people you may know section. I clicked on the page and I did remember. When I first moved here, I lived with my friend in Hollywood. There was a swap meet behind our building. In there was a phone store, and I would pay my bill there. There was a husky Latino guy that worked there with big juicy lips. I thought he was super cute. I was brand new in town so I flirted sometimes. I hadn't met a soul at that point. Fast forward to a few months later, maybe a year. He had stopped working @ the phone store and I ran into him on a crowded bus. I can't remember what the conversation was but he tells me he's gay. Well, on his page just now it says he's in a relationship with a woman? A few things went through my head. He lied to me about being gay. Am I that hideous that he had to fake being gay? I never asked him to sleep with me, I never put my hands on him or sexually harassed him in any way. If anything I may have asked if he'd ever been to circus disco, and did he want to go sometime since I was new in town. He declined. Or he is gay but just using her as a beard. There was a pic of a girl about 5 and he had used it as his headder. You usually don't do that for a niece. I felt weird. Maybe he doesn't like black people. That made my stomach flip. I must be a hideous monster if he had to fake being gay.

Bizarre turn of events. I downloaded a video game on my phone that is on the low reflecting my true life circumstances. It's resonating with me right now because I am going through so much emotionally it's OVER PRONOUNCED. The game is episodes. In the game you pick your name and how you look. I look like my fantasy self. Gorgeous hair, and great body but brown skin. This particular game a foreign exchange student from Australia comes to stay from my family. I of course can design how he looks and what his name is. I make him brown, with dreads and gorgeous eyes. I name him Nabil. It's of course a high school drama. It's alot of drama. The bottom line is he and I are very attracted to each other, but rules say we can't become involved. My mom has warned me as well in the game. 

Ok the kicker is this. In the game there are moments where you are given multiple answers to a situation. Usually the more exciting answer requires that you use your 'gems' to choose it. You get gems when you play the game. Each scene you go through I get one gem. But an answer can cost 20 gems. I found myself WANTING to be close with Nabil. He'd ask if I wanted to spend time alone. I wanted to but YES would be 20 gems, No I have homework to do is free. So because I don't have the money IRL to purchase more gems, he and I are not getting closer in the game. As the game goes on I find myself wanting him more and more. Now I am frustrated as hell. Because behind the scenes he admits that he's into me. He's dated other girls in the game, but left them cold because he was pining for me. It's getting to be a bit much. For like $20 I could get like 250 gems. But at this point in my life spending that for a video game is stupid and not to mention pathetic.

All of this is a metaphor for my ACTUAL life. Because I don't have money, I can't get close to the guy I want. Period. Like for instance Bananas has events every month. I can never go because I don't have $10 or a ride. There is a guy Kyle there that I think is really cute. I am pretty sure he's a complete fuck up. He's just cute. But other than that. Having money would be paramount to me being able to get close to 'Nabil'. The ideal. The fact I don't have enough 'gems' to be with him speaks volumes. It's really wringing me out. Because it's my dating life in a nutshell. 

DAMN!

Stifled of course

So I was waiting and waiting for the big chunk of my taxes to arrive. $349. Waiting and waiting. That was supposed to pay my internet bill, pay my re sellers licence, and my diet program. These things are mad important. I can't run a website with no internet. I have to get this weight off so I have a better chance at being hired someplace. The re seller is so I can make money on my own. Honestly so I can just start building businesses on my own and stop begging for pennies. Stop worrying if I have the wrong shoes, or nail polish or if the person interviewing me doesn't like black people or people who are overweight. I need to be building my own brand. Creating and getting my shit out there. Being my authentic self. 

I am so sick of this shit!
I CANT DO IT ANYMORE!

I lucked out and got on with a trade show company and I will be working 20 hours with them at $15 an hour for three days. I will be paid next week. So I can pay my internet and get the re seller licence. Then I will start selling. The money I make from there I will pay for my diet program. 

I had enough money to get a loaf of bread. I have peanut butter and I have butter. I can take peanut butter sandwiches to work. All I have is lettuce and pickles and cup o noodles. I have salad dressing. I have a can of fruit cocktail. I wonder if I went across town to the food bank if I could just get 2 packs of meat and some noodles and sauce. That's all that was edible last time. I couldn't go till like Tuesday.

Moving a little

I did my purple wig. It took 6 hours, and I made a bunch of mistakes, but for my first try it was okay. I wore it out and felt okay. It didn't look big and fluffy like the ones on youtube, but I will get there. I think I need to get rods like for perms to make the curls tighter. I want to make a grey one. I have some burgundy. 

I got my food stamps and in 6 days I am down to $16. I have been hacking away at a denim jacket for a few days. I had to stop because I made a few mistakes. Then the bleach had made some rust marks I had to correct and let dry. I could finish today.

I had an interview at a wholesale company yesterday. I wanted to feel comfortable. I was having my period and was bloated. I hated my hair so short but it was the only normally colored wig I had. I wore my grey plain shirt and my olive green skirt and candies slip ons. I took my cream blazer with me but it was crazy hot out. 

The position seemed cool. The lady asked how old I was. I tried not to tell her. But I gave her my birthday. I wondered if that was a mistake. We talked quite a bit. I kind of wanted it afterward. I'd be going on business trips and stuff. I've never done that before

I filed my taxes and of course I checked my account every day. I checked yesterday and some came in. A bubble burst. I could get my nails done. The past 6 months, I have had to get a whole new set because I couldn't find the time or money to get fills every other week. So I went and got a new set. I also got a new brown wig, this time longer and fuller so I can camouflage my face. These two things being new made me feel sort of whole. It's been a while since I had both. 

Kingslee e mailed me a pass to SORRY TO BOTHER YOU for tonight. I was dying to see this movie! So I want to try and put a cute outfit together to wear. My regular even is Saturday so I want to finish an outfit for that one too.

The comedy of endurance

When I went across town to the food bank, I was the last one in. I was waiting for my food to be ready and a man started talking to me. We commiserated over being hungry and seeing commercials of fast food and not being able to do anything about it. How that's all you think about when you are hungry. I filled my rolly bag with the food, they gave me four baguettes, I felt fancy. I schleped the 5 blocks to the bus back to south central. I unpacked the bag.

4 baguettes
4 loaves of whole bread (you have to slice yourself)
broccoli rice (shredded broccoli)
garden salad
mixed fruit
can of garbanzos
can of corn
can of tomato soup
can of green beans
can of tomato sauce
lowfat milk (expired)
corn flakes
macaroni and cheese
tuna fish
egg noodles
yougart
apples
potatoes
eggs
a pack of drumsticks.

That's alot of stuff. I felt relieved a bit. Like I could get through to Monday. It was Tuesday. I noticed there were gnats looming over the bread, so I threw it all away. But I have been finding gaggles of gnats ever since. I left a dish in the sink and an hour later gnats everywhere. I don't know why they appeared. I've chased them room to room. I think I got them all.

I immediately cooked the drumsticks and egg noodles. I put the tomato sauce on the noodles, and put bbq sauce on the chicken legs. I ate that meal twice a day. Thursday I made macaroni and cheese. I opened the tuna and it was runny. I could barely strain the water off of it for the tuna was so weak. I dumped it out and just ate the macaroni. I ate that for 3 meals. 

In the meanwhile the first alien wanted to come through. I said I wanted pizza because I was starving. He said ok on Wednesday. Thursday, there was nothing. He was doing odd jobs, and well into the evening he'd still be working. Now on Friday night still nothing. It makes me think. It's the era of no more broke. No more dudes who can't produce an $8 pizza.
No more dudes who can't make the shit happen. 

I feel like I am wasting away. The hunger rarely subsides, even after I have eaten. My body seems like it's weak. All I think about is food. How I never ever want to be this hungry for this long again. All of this has to end.

I found ways to make money on my own, but I have to buy my way in of course. That will take more waiting. I have to file my taxes, and wait for them to come back. Then the buy in happens. There is a job fair on Wednesday of next week. I hate job fairs, but I am tired of searching on line for work. I just need to move forward toward my dreams. The real ones. Not the paying bills one. Fuck that shit.

Yesterday I had a serge of energy and cleaned out my closet and threw out a bunch of shit. I put away all the projects I wasn't doing. I swept the floors, and folded up everything. It was like fung shewei in this bitch. So light and airy. I felt brand new. My tiny dress form, I made a custom dress for it. I was like, I want a dress to wear like this! The next day (Friday) I broke out my sewing and worked on some new joggers. I plan to wear them on Sunday to my event. I want to crochet my purple wig too. Plus make a jacket. I'm full of ambition. I want to feel new when I go to Hollywood on Sunday. Look impossibly cute. Feel like the future is mine.

Feeling like a breakthrough is coming.