Nail, Coffin

The weekend was approaching and the time to face the music was here. I wasn't going to go in hot. Just be matter of factly about things. 

I ended up speaking to him on the phone about the whole instagram #, he had some slick excuse for it. How the hashtag was supposed to be a catch all meaning 'no big deal' in Japanese. But the # goes to this girls page. 

I don't care that much so I dropped it.

He started talking about going to the movies and also shutting the shop to attend my event on Sunday. I was like 'what'. He was like, 'Yeah, that's something I need to do.' I was surprised. He's going to support my event? Hmmmm. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways?

But I will test him out, with some affection when I see him and see if he still pulls away or if he leans in.

I got to the shop. He had been telling me about this burger place up the street. I was hungry so I did a food run. It was a cute black owned place. But for lunch it was like $32. He had chicken alfredo fries, I had a turkey burger and a lemonade, and then we had two milkshakes. A little pricey.

We ate and then a couple of chain jerkers came by. I watched a movie on my computer and he sat down next to me. I rubbed his back while we watched the movie. He makes a comment that I am petting him like a pet. Am I waiting for him to purrrrrrrr. I said no. It was like he couldn't understand why I was rubbing his back. He even made a joke that the customers that came by didn't buy because I was touching him. They were guys, but one had a girlfriend that he wanted to get a portrait of on his shirt. He seemed a little geeked so I wasn't betting he would come back.

But it just seemed like an offhanded joke about how me touching him wasn't a good thing. 

Just one more nail in the coffin.

The alfredo gave him the itis, so then he started falling asleep. He went into the corner of the shop for a while and slept. Left me to manage the counter. No one came so no big deal.

When we left that day his mom was waiting to pick him up. He reiterated that he was coming to my event the next day. We went over the time. He gave me a polite kiss good bye.

Later that night I started having anxiety about him coming. That he would make a fool of me in front of my friends by not wanting to touch me. Or chatting up some younger thinner woman and making me look silly. It was a nightmare. He mentioned also that it was perfect that I had my event in Hollywood, because a friend of his band was playing later that night. Cool.

The next day he texted in the morning. But I was busy doing laundry and picking my outfit. My phone was acting up a bit, but I did text him the address and time. I didn't have power till I got to the theater. When my phone came back on there was no message.

We had a pretty full house, and a guy that I had been crushing on showed up, plus some other handsome men.

The film came and went and he never showed. We went to dinner later. My crush joined us and I sat with him. We had a great time at dinner, and I really was happy to see my crush. I didn't miss painter guy at all.

When I got in my car I checked my phone.
"SMH. Left early and took a nap when you sent this text."

Meaning the address and time.

But I text to ask if he made it to his friends show. He had.

So I wasn't really on the radar.

He has made himself abundantly clear. 

I can't anymore.

The End.

Dunnie dun dun

It's hard out in these streets for a woman to find a man.

You spend years trying to deal with your bullshit and flush out the shit that isn't serving you. You visualize that perfect fit. What he'll be like, how it will feel being in love with him, how you will spend your time together etc.

You remain open to meet someone wonderful.

You check yourself for what you have to offer. What type of mate you will be. You are on point. 

There are little physical things you want to improve, but who doesn't have those?

So the thing that fucks you up the most is when gurus say shit like 'You attract what you are.' or 'You attract your reflection.'

I want to go on a smash everything spree when I hear this shit. 

I am not selfish
I am not socially stunted
I am not lazy
I am not a pothead
I am not an overgrown child
I am not afraid to show who I am
I am not withholding of affection or attention
I am not using someone to meet my own needs and ignoring theirs.

I AM NOT THESE THINGS. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF THESE THINGS!

If anything it's a test to see if I will sit still and put up with what is OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN MY LIFE because I believe some dumb bullshit that society wants to use to brainwash women into believing that this is all there is.

BULLSHIT.

Then he did some odd shit on top of it.

He said he was going to get his hair cut. I asked for a fresh from the barber pic.

He sends one to my DM on IG.
He looks nice. I start to scroll through regular IG and I see he has posted another fresh from the barber picture but he's # a girl. I noticed he had # before. She looks like a teenager. She wears a hijab in some of her pictures, and clearly she's into anime. Which he's into. 

But why does she need to see him fresh from the barber as I wanted to? Why didn't he just #my name too?

Odd shit.

I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this dude. I don't have to beg for kisses. If he pulls away from me one more time, I will shank his ass. I'm not doing prison time for his ass so I have to leave it alone.

He has something to work with. He's just so clueless. I started to think he has asbergers syndrome or something like it. There is no reason a 36 year old male can't comprehend simple things like how to keep your woman interested in you.
Especially a BLACK man.

The thing is black men are notorious for talking shit. Both in bed and out of bed. They can be downright flirty and playful, and make you think you are the bomb because of how they talk to you. I have never ever dated a man who when I hugged him didn't squeeze my butt. He never does. If we can't spend a bunch of time together during the week, then he spends time supplementing with conversation and compliments. And antidotes like "Girl I had this sexy dream about you last night." To keep that motor running. When he does see you he gives you the sexiest most passionate kisses to make you believe he missed you. NOT THIS ONE.

I get pecks like a family member. 

One guy I dated used to kiss me long and slow and then put two fingers down my bra to a nipple. THAT MADE ME INSANE! But he knew what he was doing. This one would never. He has never paid me a compliment. He has never told me he thought I was one way or the other. He has never said what he likes about me. In the past two weeks, he has made zero effort to spend time with me outside his workplace. Which to me screams "I'm just not that into you."

It's humiliating. There are men that would gladly beat him up to take his place.

He mentioned that it's always older women who like him. Maybe he's resentful that I am not some hot 19 year old thottie, with 80,000 instagram followers. 

I D G A F what it is, I'm not wasting my gas and weekends sitting there for hours on end, for a peck on the lips and no affection. 

I know he knows better than to think I'm going to a hotel with him at this point. My nightmares say NO. I am obeying my subconscious these days. It would a mistake to open myself to him physically and emotionally. 

I made a mistake, but I can move on from it.

What am I doing?

I have been hanging with the painter for two months now. Still no sex. Which I am fine with. In my conscious mind, I am desperately attracted to him. When I am sleeping I have nightmares about the sex. That he will be like a zombie, that he won't be passionate, that he will get up right after; put his clothes on and walk out. That he will become mean and insulting afterward. That he will tell me to stop coming to the shop. I have these nightmares regularly.

No movies we both wanted to see have come out in the past couple of weeks. So we haven't been out on a date. Last weekend he wanted me at the shop both days. If I am there, it gives him more time to paint if I deal with the customers for him. He says having a woman there makes customers more comfortable. I flirt with him a little and the customers smile. But nowadays I feel that's all he wants me for. To be at the shop. About a month ago after a movie I was dropping him off to catch his train, and we made out quite passionately. We haven't since then, and I don't know why. The last time I was with him and we were saying good bye, he gave me multiple pecks, no tongue and then pulled away. I am getting tired of feeling like I have to beg for affection. If I come in the shop and there are no customers there, he will give me a kiss hello, which I like. But I am wanting some HEAT, and he's not bringing it. I'm feeling a little resentful. 

Here he is wanting to have sex with me, but I have to beg for kisses? How is that fair? How am I supposed to think sex with him will be fullfilling under these circumstances. 

I have a feeling he's one of these guys that thinks because he's well endowed that automatically makes him good in bed. Or because a woman screams in pain because he is hurting her, he's doing something. I feel like I'll be setting myself up for some hardcore disappointment. He told me a story about a 70 year old woman that was obsessed with him, and would come to his house and flash him. I wondered if he thinks of me as some pathetic, love starved old woman. Sometimes he seems like he isn't even attracted to me. Not really. He will make some lewd comment, or when he's squeezing past me in the shop stop and pretend to hump me from behind. But other than those expressions--there isn't anything sincere. Nothing that says 'I see you.' He's never paid me a compliment. Red flag. He doesn't have any pet names for me, no babe, sugar, honey, sweetheart....nothing.

But I am supposed to be on board with sex?

Tuesday is his day off. He of course has tons of errands to do, and sometimes work to catch up on. I can usually organize my work so when Tuesday rolls around I can dip early to go spend time with him. I let him know this since this past weekend we didn't see eachother. My brakes on my car were in terrible shape and I didn't feel safe making the 20 mile drive. Then Sunday was Easter, which is a family day. I get it. He mentioned that last week he had words with someone and it made him upset. He was 'on one' for a couple of days. Then I couldn't come to the shop the following weekend. I told him 'I hate letting you down, but I don't want to mess my car up.' He said he understood and don't worry about it. But he didn't want to talk to any customers. I felt conflicted. I wasn't about to spend two hours on a bus to go hang at the shop. He doesn't pay me to be there. It's not quality time for our relationship. So I stayed home and walked where I needed to go. Or took the bus around the neighborhood. 

He asked about what time was I thinking of leaving work tomorrow. I said around 3. He said he'd see where he was around that time. I don't want to get my hopes up. But honestly there are no hopes to really get up.

I started feeling this is a test. Am I just going to do what I have always done, and settled for crumbs, and calling it a choice; then supplementing with other men. Am I going to ignore that he uses the word bitches regularly? Or that the N word is a fixture in is vocabulary. Does he get a pass on that because he's from Compton? Am I kidding myself that a guy from Compton will ever know how to love me? Is it a stereotype or a fact? 

Sometimes I feel I have made a big mistake, and now how do I get out of it? Or am I exiting prematurely? I know what I want, and I am not confident that he had the skills or maturity to give it to me. He's a cool guy, but I want more than a cool guy. I want a relationship.

I want regular dates, romance, affection and attention. I want someone who expresses himself to me. Who makes a place in his life for me. Who sees me in his future. Not someone who sees me as just a means to and end. I don't feel like he wants to have a romantic relationship with me. But he doesn't know how to get out of it. He wants to have sex with me though. I imagine him telling me he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he just wants to smash. Because I'm some love starved old woman (he's referred to me as an older woman on many occasions) that I'll just agree to it.

SO FUCKED UP. No pun intended. 

The Lisa Stansfield song 'Been Around the World.' pops up sometimes. Like I have been searching for this black man, but I still haven't found him. Not one who will treat me like the goddess and queen that I am. I found one who hates women, and uses them for his own selfish wants; and doesn't care about their wants, needs or feelings. When I hear that new J. Cole song 'Fold Clothes' it reminds me of him and how I wish we were. How far away we are from that. 

NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AT ALL!!!

I make myself sick because when I see him, I get all swoony and giggly. He's just so dreeeeeaaaammmmy. Which for all I know he could be the troll under the bridge. It's almost a chemical reaction I have to him. When I leave him, I'm on a high. It's embarassing.

If he can't see me tomorrow. 

I'll fall back.

I can't keep pretending I don't know what I know. I won't ignore my instincts. I won't pretend I don't have nightmares. 

I have to be honest.