When I was younger, I liked making gifts for people. I loved spending hours thinking of ideas and putting them together in this amazing present for the object of my desire.
Once Christmas, a man who I had been in love with (alone) for four years got a box of all sorts of candies, mixed with clear jewel cases sprinkled with glitter shapes and long tapes like measuring tape with poems written on them, I also burned CDs and stuck in there. I was especially proud of how well it turned out. I covered the box in photos of bands we liked, and made a big bow out of denim.
He loved the gift. He liked the chocolates not so much the other flavors. But he really liked it a lot. I didn't win him with it. But I liked that I made his day.
I would later find out from 'dating experts' that doing this sort of thing lowered my value as a woman, and made me undesireable to my object of affection; no matter how cool the gift was, or how well thought out the poems were. If I was going to get guys to like me, I had to stop doing this immediately.
I haven't given a man a gift in over a decade. The experts say if you are involved in a relationship with a dude, go ahead and give. But if you aren't and want to be, don't do it.
My current crush asked me in passing if I had anything lying around the shop that he could wear to a birthday party. Something to go with the camoflage pants he was already wearing. I wasn't sure but I said I'd check. He seemed anxious. So I told him not to worry, I'd find something.
I'd been secretly plotting to make him some shirts anyway. We talk about clothes often, and he's mentioned what he likes.I had three shirts made. He text me a picture of a sweater he liked that we made. I told him we had a black one, and he said cool. He was busy that day so he said he didn't know if he'd have time to come down to the shop and pick it up. I was busy working so I couldn't stop and get it to him before 5. We missed the connection. But I told him I would bring the sweater in on Monday.
Over the weekend I kept looking at the box with the 3 shirts and sweater. I wanted to burn CDs of hip hop I liked, and put in chocolates. ( I know he likes chocolate ) and write a letter telling him how I feel.
It took all of my will NOT to do this.
I simply wrapped the box in foil paper. No card, not nothing.
When I went into the store Monday I put the box on his desk, he looked surprised. He asked what it was. I said it was a gift for him. I was also there to pay for our hats from last week. He was a little flustered when he sat down and said so. I thought it was cute. He said he was taken a back. I was happy that he was happy.
Then he said it again:
"I love you girl." Then he came around the desk and hugged me.
He said he'd get me something. I didn't expect that. But I don't want him to get me something. I want us to go out and spend time together. That's it. I didn't say that outloud. His mom is always lurking close.
How to get what I want is the next issue....
Monday, December 19, 2016
Thursday, December 8, 2016
On Line SHENANNIGANZ!
I think in 2016 we have all pretty much decided what dating sites we will mess with and which ones we won't. It seems like a merry go round at this point. Deleting apps, downloading apps. It's almost like a jokey security blanket we singles (and some not singles) use to verify that we are still somewhat attractive to those who we wish to attract.
I think now people really are stifled to the point of not really wanting to meet anyone. They just want to know they could meet someone, with no real intention on following through. I am finding more and more men on dating sites to be in relationships already, that they claim are open. Yeah right, does SHE know it's open? Or guys who are millenial and have ZERO clue what courtship is. It's gimmie.
I have felt a shift in the past say 7 years or so in men's attitudes about dating and relationships. I think men have always catagorized women in an imaginary hierarchy and have made that dreamgirl the top one, that he will never attain but every woman he meets has to compete with. For instance if he wants a woman who is like Kim K, he's always going to be attracted to that type even if he can never get her attention much less date her. This will be his ideal. How much energy you get from him is determined by your proximity to Kim Ks looks. He can keep this up his entire life, and will either marry a Kim K look alike, or spend his life putting every woman he meets through the paces of not being good enough because she doesn't look like that.
I have also noticed that men don't care about boundaries. I have always had a feeling that disrespect would be something typical because I am black. That I don't deserve respect, dignity or the right to say NO. Which is bullshit of course. But it was something implied throughout my life. I don't get a choice in who I date, sleep with or have a relationship with. I better take what I can get. I don't get to have standards, or even a dream guy. I am supposed to be a vending machine for men. Whatever they want I am supposed to prodouce no questions asked and more importantly, nothing expected in return.
When I stand against this attitude, I have been mocked and attempts at humiliating me into changing my mind have been thwarted. I don't spin a few sentences to a man on line and then chuck him my phone number or facebook ID. I know NOTHING about you. You could be a professional stalker for all I know. You might spend your days researching womens lives so you can eventually murder them. YOU WILL NOT HUMILIATE ME OUT OF CARING ABOUT MY SAFETY!!!
My privacy is part of that safety. I don't just let random strangers in. If you feel you don't need to earn your way in, then see your way out. To me that shows an attitude of entitlement. I don't rock with that. You don't get to decide my worth. I set that. Some men have issue with this. So I don't deal with many.
There is also a rash of men who have not mastered the art of conversation. This could be a BIG REASON they are single. They have nothing to say, no opinions, no jokes nothing. Super boring on line so why would I ever want to meet you?
Then you have to constant sexual innuendo dude.
You could have been cool, but you always want to talk sex. Which makes me think that if I met you, that is all you would want. You would put lots of pressure on me to have sex, and I might end up having to mace your dumb ass. Some dudes can't tone it down so they can never get it poppin.
Then there is the plug and play guy. He wants an instant relationship. These are the knuckleheads you see on catfish all the damn time. They say 'I love you' before they have even run an eyeball cross you. Really dude? Thirsty much? Or they can't stop saying how pretty you are. You are too pretty to be single. How come someone so pretty doesn't have a man?
LET SEE....
Cause pretty girls intimidate boys.
And if you go on and on and on about my looks, I think something is wrong with you. I start to feel trapped by your expectation of me to be this glowing goddess whos supposed to grant all of your wishes. I just wish to kick you in your nuts for being such a dumbass. Men think telling a woman she is beautiful every 20 seconds is a good thing.
IT ISN'T!
It's smothering. It's panderific. It's insincere. It's cookie cutter bullshit. You gotta get it together. I think you don't have the ability to connect on a deeper level if all you want to talk about is pretty.
There was one guy, who was not quite in my preferred age range. But he was very attractive in a sort of cute guy, doesn't know it way. I kept seeing him on line so I spoke. We struck up a conversation about music, and it got pretty intense. He's a musician and lives in the area. Very good convo. Didn't get icky and innuendo-y at any time. So I thought this is a dude I could hang with. Then he asks me to lunch on Sunday. He offers several options for me to choose from. I pick one. He says great choice. I tell him I had a thing early in the day but I would find out when it was done then let him know. I IMd him the info. No answer.
I wait
No Answer
Sunday comes
Still no answer
Sunday is over
No answer
Monday
No Answer
Tuesday
No Answer
Wednesday, he comes with some story about having to give a friend a ride.
Really dude?
Granted, you don't know me. I'm pretty much a stranger. However, you set up a date with ME. You didn't have the decency to say anything for three days. Even when your 'friend' was begging for said ride. You didn't jump on your phone and say 'Hey this is happening, not gonna make it.'
You ghosted.
Then you felt bad.
I called bullshit on his ass. He insisted he was telling the truth. Over and over again.
I called bullshit over and over again.
He has tried to continue a conversation, but it's not really happening. Because I see this dude differently. As someone who wastes my time. No bueno.
Then a dude comes back from outer space. HMU on FB. Saying I was in his suggested friends feed.
I had just about gotten him clean out of my hair, and BAM!
So he gives me his new number, and we're off and texting again.
He was the 'good morning' text guy.
He made me swoon when he picked me up from work once.
No one had done that for me, I don't think ever.
We would go to the observatory and make out for hours. His kiss was....
I don't think I can even explain it. I just felt faint.
We got physical, and it was amazing.
I couldn't wait for more.
But I had no choice.
He is the good son, who is at everyone's beck and call which made it near impossible to see him regularly. Sick mother and all. I started to resent him, so I just pushed him off as see you when I see you.
I like the guy, but there is no room for me in his life.
The good morning and good night texts are mocking me. Because there will be no in between. I may never even see him again in person. I don't think efforts will be made on his end.
For instance.
We would go to the movies.
There is a movie out I wanted to see.
I asked if he was off Sunday
He says 'Sunday Works'
I was like cool.
So I am telling him the film and whatnot.
Sunday comes and he's acting like we have no plans.
He is confused
I tell him he told me Sunday Works.
He looks back in his texts.
He meant Sunday he works.
Miscommunication!
So it wasn't a blow off.
But I still didn't get to see him.
I feel like I have to beg to see him, so I don't even ask.
It makes me a little mad.
I feel like I am wasting time texting with him.
It's the virtual equivalent of being in an empty relationship.
But it's worse, because you don't even get to hug, kiss and have sex with the person.
It's just words on a phone.
We could sext, it's pretty hot.
Phone sex is too.
But it's not the real thing.....
sigh
I think now people really are stifled to the point of not really wanting to meet anyone. They just want to know they could meet someone, with no real intention on following through. I am finding more and more men on dating sites to be in relationships already, that they claim are open. Yeah right, does SHE know it's open? Or guys who are millenial and have ZERO clue what courtship is. It's gimmie.
I have felt a shift in the past say 7 years or so in men's attitudes about dating and relationships. I think men have always catagorized women in an imaginary hierarchy and have made that dreamgirl the top one, that he will never attain but every woman he meets has to compete with. For instance if he wants a woman who is like Kim K, he's always going to be attracted to that type even if he can never get her attention much less date her. This will be his ideal. How much energy you get from him is determined by your proximity to Kim Ks looks. He can keep this up his entire life, and will either marry a Kim K look alike, or spend his life putting every woman he meets through the paces of not being good enough because she doesn't look like that.
I have also noticed that men don't care about boundaries. I have always had a feeling that disrespect would be something typical because I am black. That I don't deserve respect, dignity or the right to say NO. Which is bullshit of course. But it was something implied throughout my life. I don't get a choice in who I date, sleep with or have a relationship with. I better take what I can get. I don't get to have standards, or even a dream guy. I am supposed to be a vending machine for men. Whatever they want I am supposed to prodouce no questions asked and more importantly, nothing expected in return.
When I stand against this attitude, I have been mocked and attempts at humiliating me into changing my mind have been thwarted. I don't spin a few sentences to a man on line and then chuck him my phone number or facebook ID. I know NOTHING about you. You could be a professional stalker for all I know. You might spend your days researching womens lives so you can eventually murder them. YOU WILL NOT HUMILIATE ME OUT OF CARING ABOUT MY SAFETY!!!
My privacy is part of that safety. I don't just let random strangers in. If you feel you don't need to earn your way in, then see your way out. To me that shows an attitude of entitlement. I don't rock with that. You don't get to decide my worth. I set that. Some men have issue with this. So I don't deal with many.
There is also a rash of men who have not mastered the art of conversation. This could be a BIG REASON they are single. They have nothing to say, no opinions, no jokes nothing. Super boring on line so why would I ever want to meet you?
Then you have to constant sexual innuendo dude.
You could have been cool, but you always want to talk sex. Which makes me think that if I met you, that is all you would want. You would put lots of pressure on me to have sex, and I might end up having to mace your dumb ass. Some dudes can't tone it down so they can never get it poppin.
Then there is the plug and play guy. He wants an instant relationship. These are the knuckleheads you see on catfish all the damn time. They say 'I love you' before they have even run an eyeball cross you. Really dude? Thirsty much? Or they can't stop saying how pretty you are. You are too pretty to be single. How come someone so pretty doesn't have a man?
LET SEE....
Cause pretty girls intimidate boys.
And if you go on and on and on about my looks, I think something is wrong with you. I start to feel trapped by your expectation of me to be this glowing goddess whos supposed to grant all of your wishes. I just wish to kick you in your nuts for being such a dumbass. Men think telling a woman she is beautiful every 20 seconds is a good thing.
IT ISN'T!
It's smothering. It's panderific. It's insincere. It's cookie cutter bullshit. You gotta get it together. I think you don't have the ability to connect on a deeper level if all you want to talk about is pretty.
There was one guy, who was not quite in my preferred age range. But he was very attractive in a sort of cute guy, doesn't know it way. I kept seeing him on line so I spoke. We struck up a conversation about music, and it got pretty intense. He's a musician and lives in the area. Very good convo. Didn't get icky and innuendo-y at any time. So I thought this is a dude I could hang with. Then he asks me to lunch on Sunday. He offers several options for me to choose from. I pick one. He says great choice. I tell him I had a thing early in the day but I would find out when it was done then let him know. I IMd him the info. No answer.
I wait
No Answer
Sunday comes
Still no answer
Sunday is over
No answer
Monday
No Answer
Tuesday
No Answer
Wednesday, he comes with some story about having to give a friend a ride.
Really dude?
Granted, you don't know me. I'm pretty much a stranger. However, you set up a date with ME. You didn't have the decency to say anything for three days. Even when your 'friend' was begging for said ride. You didn't jump on your phone and say 'Hey this is happening, not gonna make it.'
You ghosted.
Then you felt bad.
I called bullshit on his ass. He insisted he was telling the truth. Over and over again.
I called bullshit over and over again.
He has tried to continue a conversation, but it's not really happening. Because I see this dude differently. As someone who wastes my time. No bueno.
Then a dude comes back from outer space. HMU on FB. Saying I was in his suggested friends feed.
I had just about gotten him clean out of my hair, and BAM!
So he gives me his new number, and we're off and texting again.
He was the 'good morning' text guy.
He made me swoon when he picked me up from work once.
No one had done that for me, I don't think ever.
We would go to the observatory and make out for hours. His kiss was....
I don't think I can even explain it. I just felt faint.
We got physical, and it was amazing.
I couldn't wait for more.
But I had no choice.
He is the good son, who is at everyone's beck and call which made it near impossible to see him regularly. Sick mother and all. I started to resent him, so I just pushed him off as see you when I see you.
I like the guy, but there is no room for me in his life.
The good morning and good night texts are mocking me. Because there will be no in between. I may never even see him again in person. I don't think efforts will be made on his end.
For instance.
We would go to the movies.
There is a movie out I wanted to see.
I asked if he was off Sunday
He says 'Sunday Works'
I was like cool.
So I am telling him the film and whatnot.
Sunday comes and he's acting like we have no plans.
He is confused
I tell him he told me Sunday Works.
He looks back in his texts.
He meant Sunday he works.
Miscommunication!
So it wasn't a blow off.
But I still didn't get to see him.
I feel like I have to beg to see him, so I don't even ask.
It makes me a little mad.
I feel like I am wasting time texting with him.
It's the virtual equivalent of being in an empty relationship.
But it's worse, because you don't even get to hug, kiss and have sex with the person.
It's just words on a phone.
We could sext, it's pretty hot.
Phone sex is too.
But it's not the real thing.....
sigh
I could be in love---pt 2
Months have passed and I still go into the homies shop almost daily.
We visit when it's slow, and the other day we were talking about Prince. He mentioned that one of his homeboys loves Prince too, and I reminded him of him. He opened a facebook page to show me dude. To see if maybe I would want to meet him. All the pictures he showed me of dude he was in. I was busy looking at my crush. He asks 'Well what do you think?'
He aiiiight.
Just aiiiight?
Yeah. What else can he be standing next to you?
He blushes.
It's funny to see a man blush.
I launched into my baby boo thing, sprinkling him with compliments. 'Erybody fall back S is in the building.'
He's smiling ear to ear. He looks down, "That's my girl."
I do feel what I am saying as the gospel truth. To me he's gorgeous. I can't get enough of this dude. But I feel like I'm in perminant hold. He lives mad far away, and with moms, while he's saving for a 'nice place' as he put it. I don't feel like anything that I say or do will get him to spend time with me, just me. Outside of his work. It's a horrible place to be. But we frequently say things like 'You're the best.'
He admits to having a touch of anxiety. He said something about crowds, and being around a bunch of people he doesn't know. Like if you invite him to a party where he won't know anyone, he most likely won't go because it freaks him out. I told him to just think of it like he's been invited as the 'special guest.' If people look, that's why. He said he never thought of it that way.
I spend lots of time daydreaming about him. What life with him would be like. But I can't deny the facts. I'm on hold. Super extra hold.
The one time I could see him outside of work, it was at a function on skid row. It was a warm day, so the smell down there was disgusting. Gag worthy. There would be food, so I hadn't eaten before I went down. By the time I parked my car and walked down to the event I was good and nauseous. I saw him, and tried to play it off. He led me into a tent where there was food to eat and drinks. He told me to tell anyone who asks that I am with him. I wanted to hang around, but after I ate, my stomach was in knots, the smell was overwhelming me, and S was bouncing around everywhere. I just left.
When I caught up with him at work, he apolojised to me for being so busy. He hadn't really noticed I bounced. I guess he did, but maybe he thought it was because I wasn't getting his attention. I could have played it that way. But it wasn't a big deal either way. I am thinking more of a dinner and movie situation, not hanging on skid row. That's his thing. Working with a ministry that helps people out on skid row. You can't be mad at that. It's actually quite admirable. He used to be one of the people down there, so he knows of what he speaks. There are plenty of things on the surface to love about this man.
I want to know the man below the surface tho.
We visit when it's slow, and the other day we were talking about Prince. He mentioned that one of his homeboys loves Prince too, and I reminded him of him. He opened a facebook page to show me dude. To see if maybe I would want to meet him. All the pictures he showed me of dude he was in. I was busy looking at my crush. He asks 'Well what do you think?'
He aiiiight.
Just aiiiight?
Yeah. What else can he be standing next to you?
He blushes.
It's funny to see a man blush.
I launched into my baby boo thing, sprinkling him with compliments. 'Erybody fall back S is in the building.'
He's smiling ear to ear. He looks down, "That's my girl."
I do feel what I am saying as the gospel truth. To me he's gorgeous. I can't get enough of this dude. But I feel like I'm in perminant hold. He lives mad far away, and with moms, while he's saving for a 'nice place' as he put it. I don't feel like anything that I say or do will get him to spend time with me, just me. Outside of his work. It's a horrible place to be. But we frequently say things like 'You're the best.'
He admits to having a touch of anxiety. He said something about crowds, and being around a bunch of people he doesn't know. Like if you invite him to a party where he won't know anyone, he most likely won't go because it freaks him out. I told him to just think of it like he's been invited as the 'special guest.' If people look, that's why. He said he never thought of it that way.
I spend lots of time daydreaming about him. What life with him would be like. But I can't deny the facts. I'm on hold. Super extra hold.
The one time I could see him outside of work, it was at a function on skid row. It was a warm day, so the smell down there was disgusting. Gag worthy. There would be food, so I hadn't eaten before I went down. By the time I parked my car and walked down to the event I was good and nauseous. I saw him, and tried to play it off. He led me into a tent where there was food to eat and drinks. He told me to tell anyone who asks that I am with him. I wanted to hang around, but after I ate, my stomach was in knots, the smell was overwhelming me, and S was bouncing around everywhere. I just left.
When I caught up with him at work, he apolojised to me for being so busy. He hadn't really noticed I bounced. I guess he did, but maybe he thought it was because I wasn't getting his attention. I could have played it that way. But it wasn't a big deal either way. I am thinking more of a dinner and movie situation, not hanging on skid row. That's his thing. Working with a ministry that helps people out on skid row. You can't be mad at that. It's actually quite admirable. He used to be one of the people down there, so he knows of what he speaks. There are plenty of things on the surface to love about this man.
I want to know the man below the surface tho.
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