So here we are the Friday I am supposed to get paid.
NOTHING!
But it wasn't just me. None of us got paid. We think it's because of the holiday.
It really doesn't help how I feel. My hair is a hot ass mess. So are my nails. Plus I have no food left. Well, I have a pack of ribs. I was looking forward to breathing that sigh of relief when I saw the money in my account. To be able to plan my day and look forward to my future. I wanted to order my diet plan today when I got home. That didn't happen. Tomorrow is Saturday. Part of me feels like I will go the whole weekend without seeing my paycheck. I will check my account again at midnight and pray that it's there.
Friday, November 23, 2018
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Anticipation
It's raining and the middle of the night Thanksgiving morning. I have to work a few hours today. Hope the rain stops by the time it's time to go.
I get paid this friday my first check.
I will finally get the diet plan I have wanted the past year and get cracking on it. I will be able to lose all of the weight provided I stay consistent with it for the next four to five months.
I will be able to do my nails.
Get a new wig.
Go to the movies and lunch.
I am anxious because I am selling my first pair of sneakers too. I can't stop thinking about buying 2 pair of all whites and flipping them for $600 each then buying 2 more and so on and so on. I can be on my way to my real self in no time.
Of course I spend hours collecting stuff 'I want' but it's more about inspiration.
I have noticed something about work. People are really pretty bland. Is that the job or is that them? Either way, I find myself not wanting to be my wild me there. Just a really toned down version. Maybe some cute sneakers. But not any crazy punk shit or wild ass jogger sets. Purple hair and stuff.
I have to get a car! It's making me seriously mental being on the bus this long. The SMELL! I just got new headphones yesterday so now I can drown out the noise and the people. But the odors are really getting to me. Then there's the walking around the massive building at work. OVER IT!
I have to go hard with on line selling to get to my goals. I have to get the money for the tax lien coaching sessions too. I think a car is first. How am I going to get to the properties without one?
I have to prepare a whole power point presentation with a commercial for my business plan. What a fucking grind because I don't have access to any of the software I need. I have to go to the valley and spend like 12 hours doing it. I have to write out a paper plan to follow. I wish that bitch wouldn't have stolen my hard drive with all my work on it. I don't have access to any of the files. I don't believe in the cloud. TO me that's the perfect place to get all your shit stolen.
I have a lot on my plate. But today I felt like it's been ages since I felt glamourous. Like put together head to toe. I feel like I have been suffering. Even this wig I have been wearing to work looks a hot ass mess. I stopped trying. I can't wait till I am getting paid every week and can get a new week every week. I am also planning my Christmas outfit. Chanel Punk. I hope I can pull it off. I have to sketch it out.
I really want to make Ro a great present. It's embarrassing I started that crenolin like 5 months ago and ran out of fabric so it hung in the closet half done. I have to finish.
I want one too.
I can't stop dreaming of new clothes, shoes, bags, car, neighborhood and life.
I get paid this friday my first check.
I will finally get the diet plan I have wanted the past year and get cracking on it. I will be able to lose all of the weight provided I stay consistent with it for the next four to five months.
I will be able to do my nails.
Get a new wig.
Go to the movies and lunch.
I am anxious because I am selling my first pair of sneakers too. I can't stop thinking about buying 2 pair of all whites and flipping them for $600 each then buying 2 more and so on and so on. I can be on my way to my real self in no time.
Of course I spend hours collecting stuff 'I want' but it's more about inspiration.
I have noticed something about work. People are really pretty bland. Is that the job or is that them? Either way, I find myself not wanting to be my wild me there. Just a really toned down version. Maybe some cute sneakers. But not any crazy punk shit or wild ass jogger sets. Purple hair and stuff.
I have to get a car! It's making me seriously mental being on the bus this long. The SMELL! I just got new headphones yesterday so now I can drown out the noise and the people. But the odors are really getting to me. Then there's the walking around the massive building at work. OVER IT!
I have to go hard with on line selling to get to my goals. I have to get the money for the tax lien coaching sessions too. I think a car is first. How am I going to get to the properties without one?
I have to prepare a whole power point presentation with a commercial for my business plan. What a fucking grind because I don't have access to any of the software I need. I have to go to the valley and spend like 12 hours doing it. I have to write out a paper plan to follow. I wish that bitch wouldn't have stolen my hard drive with all my work on it. I don't have access to any of the files. I don't believe in the cloud. TO me that's the perfect place to get all your shit stolen.
I have a lot on my plate. But today I felt like it's been ages since I felt glamourous. Like put together head to toe. I feel like I have been suffering. Even this wig I have been wearing to work looks a hot ass mess. I stopped trying. I can't wait till I am getting paid every week and can get a new week every week. I am also planning my Christmas outfit. Chanel Punk. I hope I can pull it off. I have to sketch it out.
I really want to make Ro a great present. It's embarrassing I started that crenolin like 5 months ago and ran out of fabric so it hung in the closet half done. I have to finish.
I want one too.
I can't stop dreaming of new clothes, shoes, bags, car, neighborhood and life.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
....and we are back
R and I had been getting along well. Hanging out, talking on the phone every other day.
But then I mentioned a curly wig Halle Berry had on on a film and how it was cute and I wanted it. He went off on a tangent about how I should wear my hair natural. Again. I told him to back off and get back in his lane. He wouldn't stop talking. It makes me really angry. Like he's trying to control me. Or trying to make me unattractive to a segment of the male population, or stiffing my creativity. If I wore it, it would be for a few days, till I got bored, then I would change it again. But mostly it's about money. It costs money to maintain natural hair in a way that is flattering and pretty. I feel intense hatred towards him when he talks about my hair. To the point I want to sever our friendship. I know that it's extreme but that is how angry it makes me. I won't tolerate a man (who isn't my husband) telling me what to do with my hair. My husband will know better than to do this anyway. I haven't liked my hair in months because I haven't had an income really to get anything I like.
I think I got a job for a few months I'll make $500 a week. So I will be able to afford to get the hair I want again. Stock up. Get the matching sneakers. New joggers, new jackets. The come up. Hopefully be able to score a car before it gets too cold in these streets.
But then I mentioned a curly wig Halle Berry had on on a film and how it was cute and I wanted it. He went off on a tangent about how I should wear my hair natural. Again. I told him to back off and get back in his lane. He wouldn't stop talking. It makes me really angry. Like he's trying to control me. Or trying to make me unattractive to a segment of the male population, or stiffing my creativity. If I wore it, it would be for a few days, till I got bored, then I would change it again. But mostly it's about money. It costs money to maintain natural hair in a way that is flattering and pretty. I feel intense hatred towards him when he talks about my hair. To the point I want to sever our friendship. I know that it's extreme but that is how angry it makes me. I won't tolerate a man (who isn't my husband) telling me what to do with my hair. My husband will know better than to do this anyway. I haven't liked my hair in months because I haven't had an income really to get anything I like.
I think I got a job for a few months I'll make $500 a week. So I will be able to afford to get the hair I want again. Stock up. Get the matching sneakers. New joggers, new jackets. The come up. Hopefully be able to score a car before it gets too cold in these streets.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Waves
It's been months since I have felt pretty. Put together. Put an outfit together and felt like WOW! I haven't done my hair and felt brand new in forever. I have been trying to master crochet hair but haven't quite yet. The ladies on youtube look the way I want to look, but when I do it I look crazy. Like a puff ball.
I started wearing shorter hair I think because of the heat. But I don't like it too short because then I don't like how I look because my face is so round. When I used to do my long wigs I could conceal some of my roundness and create angles. Now not so much. I am craving long hair again. But part of me feels like I am too old to pull it off.
I am also craving a style change for my clothes. I am trapped in skirt and t shirt land. I bought the rhinestone slip ons a few months ago and felt a little new. But now it's the end of the summer and there is a crack in one.
I keep thinking of my brand new life. Having a thousand dollars to go shopping with. Buying quality wigs, and shoes and being able to finally express myself the way I see in my dreams. To lose all the weight and get my knee fixed and wear heels again. Feel gorgeous and powerful. Not like a waddling old woman.
I got an extra $100 on my card so the first thing I did was buy some curly hair off a website. It will be here tomorrow. I will make a wig out of it. Hopefully it will give me a breath of fresh air and inspiration. It's burgundy and long and curly. The picture of it was so gorgeous. I wanted to look like that. I feel conflicted that I am so anxious about my looks. I felt like I can't try and get something going with R until I change how I look. I still don't know how I feel about him anyway. Some days I feel something, some days he's super annoying. But I guess your partner will be annoying sometimes. We are friends first too. I just feel like I should be prettier. More polished. Have a car. He spends all kinds of time on the phone with me. No guy does that.
I started wearing shorter hair I think because of the heat. But I don't like it too short because then I don't like how I look because my face is so round. When I used to do my long wigs I could conceal some of my roundness and create angles. Now not so much. I am craving long hair again. But part of me feels like I am too old to pull it off.
I am also craving a style change for my clothes. I am trapped in skirt and t shirt land. I bought the rhinestone slip ons a few months ago and felt a little new. But now it's the end of the summer and there is a crack in one.
I keep thinking of my brand new life. Having a thousand dollars to go shopping with. Buying quality wigs, and shoes and being able to finally express myself the way I see in my dreams. To lose all the weight and get my knee fixed and wear heels again. Feel gorgeous and powerful. Not like a waddling old woman.
I got an extra $100 on my card so the first thing I did was buy some curly hair off a website. It will be here tomorrow. I will make a wig out of it. Hopefully it will give me a breath of fresh air and inspiration. It's burgundy and long and curly. The picture of it was so gorgeous. I wanted to look like that. I feel conflicted that I am so anxious about my looks. I felt like I can't try and get something going with R until I change how I look. I still don't know how I feel about him anyway. Some days I feel something, some days he's super annoying. But I guess your partner will be annoying sometimes. We are friends first too. I just feel like I should be prettier. More polished. Have a car. He spends all kinds of time on the phone with me. No guy does that.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Waiting to land on the other side
There have been a dozen speed bumps. I was waiting to get paid from my GR check to buy shoes. Then come to find out I won't be getting one. Only $35. Then I am cut off for the rest of the year. Which is fine because my business will be up and running by then. So fuck em.
But finding that there would be no check sent me into a tailspin. I had a breakdown. How will I pay my phone bill? How will I get my bus pass? How will by buy soap? Do laundry? I told Ro what was happening and she offered to help out. So she replaced what I would have gotten. I was relieved beyond belief.
I made plans to by shoes. But the factory was on holiday till the 1st. So I waited two days. Then the first came. I got busy with errands, and getting my business loan application. I was really overwhelmed with that because I don't have a printer at home and had to go to the library to print. Then naturally when I got there there was a problem with the printer. So I would have to come back the next day to print the 13 page application.
At midnight on the 1st I got a notification that $99 was taken out of my account for office 365 software! I freaked out! I had to spend an hour cancelling the subscription and getting the money back to my account, which could take up to 7 days. I didn't want to wait another 7 days to buy my starter shoes. UGH! Luckily I got the money back right away.
Then I contacted to seller on line to buy. I was going to western union on line, and NATURALLY my card wouldn't work on line!!! So I have to go into the office in person to do the western union today. Hopefully it will go through without me having to withdraw cash from an ATM.
I am excited to begin the process of selling sneakers on line. I want to get funding so I can buy more stock and have several thousand by the holidays. I need to go see my mom and get her squared away.
I went to the movies with my friends last night and invited my friend Rob to go with. We had a great time and stayed out really late. We got a free pizza from the pizza place because when we got there they were closing and they had a pie someone didn't come pick up.
I have been having an intense hair crisis for months. I have been trying to do crochet wigs and they all turn out looking like big puff balls. I haven't been doing the technique right. The wig looks good on the wig head, but when I put it on I look like a crazy person. I figured out what I was doing wrong, so I will start another wig this week. But I miss buying a wig that I like that is flattering and makes me feel pretty. I had been buying these short wigs because it's so hot out, but they are so unflattering. I bought one and I named it moms mabely because that's what I feel I look like when I wear it. Moms almost always work a fishermen's cap over her wig. But I could imagine what her hair looked like. I want to look the opposite of how I look. I take pictures when I am with my friends, and I always feel ugly. I want to look at a picture and feel pretty. Feel happy about my looks and body. I want to have shoes that flatter my legs, hair that is sexy, skin that glows without an inch of makeup. A dancers body back. For three months I have been eating whatever. My logic has been that I will start selling shoes, make money then invest $160 in this weight loss plan I have been following for the past year. If I dropped 50lbs I would feel lots better. But I have to lose like 120. When I look in the mirror I can only see 50 that I need to lose. When I make money I can afford $15 a week for dance classes. But I have to have a car to get there. I feel like my life has been on hold for 50 years, and I am finally going to know what it feels like to be free. People say stuff like 'I want my life back', but I have never had a life to begin with to get back. This will be the first time having one. I feel like I'll be a beast about it too. Making up for lost time. I hate feeling like I am invisible the way I am. That I have to change in order to have the life I want. I hate looking at myself in pictures and being disappointed. I hate that when men talk to me they are BUMS. Only BUMS. I want to have a car, and be gorgeous and guys that have something to offer and are good looking and NOT BUMS want to talk to me. I want Jay to see me and be knocked out.
- chin and neck done
- boobs lifted
- knee done with stem cells
- skin evened and cleared
- teeth straightened and whitened
- 120 lbs lost
an amazing wardrobe and lots of cool hair.
I want to have an incredible Christmas this year.
But finding that there would be no check sent me into a tailspin. I had a breakdown. How will I pay my phone bill? How will I get my bus pass? How will by buy soap? Do laundry? I told Ro what was happening and she offered to help out. So she replaced what I would have gotten. I was relieved beyond belief.
I made plans to by shoes. But the factory was on holiday till the 1st. So I waited two days. Then the first came. I got busy with errands, and getting my business loan application. I was really overwhelmed with that because I don't have a printer at home and had to go to the library to print. Then naturally when I got there there was a problem with the printer. So I would have to come back the next day to print the 13 page application.
At midnight on the 1st I got a notification that $99 was taken out of my account for office 365 software! I freaked out! I had to spend an hour cancelling the subscription and getting the money back to my account, which could take up to 7 days. I didn't want to wait another 7 days to buy my starter shoes. UGH! Luckily I got the money back right away.
Then I contacted to seller on line to buy. I was going to western union on line, and NATURALLY my card wouldn't work on line!!! So I have to go into the office in person to do the western union today. Hopefully it will go through without me having to withdraw cash from an ATM.
I am excited to begin the process of selling sneakers on line. I want to get funding so I can buy more stock and have several thousand by the holidays. I need to go see my mom and get her squared away.
I went to the movies with my friends last night and invited my friend Rob to go with. We had a great time and stayed out really late. We got a free pizza from the pizza place because when we got there they were closing and they had a pie someone didn't come pick up.
I have been having an intense hair crisis for months. I have been trying to do crochet wigs and they all turn out looking like big puff balls. I haven't been doing the technique right. The wig looks good on the wig head, but when I put it on I look like a crazy person. I figured out what I was doing wrong, so I will start another wig this week. But I miss buying a wig that I like that is flattering and makes me feel pretty. I had been buying these short wigs because it's so hot out, but they are so unflattering. I bought one and I named it moms mabely because that's what I feel I look like when I wear it. Moms almost always work a fishermen's cap over her wig. But I could imagine what her hair looked like. I want to look the opposite of how I look. I take pictures when I am with my friends, and I always feel ugly. I want to look at a picture and feel pretty. Feel happy about my looks and body. I want to have shoes that flatter my legs, hair that is sexy, skin that glows without an inch of makeup. A dancers body back. For three months I have been eating whatever. My logic has been that I will start selling shoes, make money then invest $160 in this weight loss plan I have been following for the past year. If I dropped 50lbs I would feel lots better. But I have to lose like 120. When I look in the mirror I can only see 50 that I need to lose. When I make money I can afford $15 a week for dance classes. But I have to have a car to get there. I feel like my life has been on hold for 50 years, and I am finally going to know what it feels like to be free. People say stuff like 'I want my life back', but I have never had a life to begin with to get back. This will be the first time having one. I feel like I'll be a beast about it too. Making up for lost time. I hate feeling like I am invisible the way I am. That I have to change in order to have the life I want. I hate looking at myself in pictures and being disappointed. I hate that when men talk to me they are BUMS. Only BUMS. I want to have a car, and be gorgeous and guys that have something to offer and are good looking and NOT BUMS want to talk to me. I want Jay to see me and be knocked out.
- chin and neck done
- boobs lifted
- knee done with stem cells
- skin evened and cleared
- teeth straightened and whitened
- 120 lbs lost
an amazing wardrobe and lots of cool hair.
I want to have an incredible Christmas this year.
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