https://zodiacfire.com/zodiac-signs-still-single/
So I run across this funny little page and read it. I suppose I am single because I can't hide when I like someone. I am giddy.
So let me get this straight, being happy to see someone= bad.
Feeling cheery around someone=bad
Feeling swoony about a hot guy=bad
Feeling super attracted to someone and not wanting to hide it because you want something to happen= bad
Lighting up when he enters a room= bad
Celebrating him= bad
I know it's sort of a jokey site, but it isn't like I haven't been shut down because of my clear enthusiasm about someone. When you are young you make all the classic mistakes. You are too available, and you are always hanging around. You can't help yourself because he's so dreamy. But no guy I have ever thought was dreamy ever responded with 'Let's date'.
As I got older I guess I would settle for a roll in the hay before he exited stage left, so I could at least get something from him. This is all I could ever really hope for. Sometimes that was even too much. There are guys to this day that I haven't even kissed and felt that I was madly in love with. They were always looking for someone who wasn't me. I got bitter.
But now I read this and think how backward society is. That having positive feelings about someone is a deal breaker. People run away from affection. People shun attraction. It's kind of sick.
It makes me sad.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Monday, October 9, 2017
Bizarre events out of my system
I had been confused on some level about my attraction to the painter with Asperger's. What did it mean that I was so drawn to this man? That when I looked at him I was overwhelmed with attraction?
Since I the car was taken from me my visits to see him at his shop stopped. We talked about him coming over to visit, but I didn't press the issue as being alone with him worried me. He was obsessed with having a kid, so I wasn't that jazzed on sleeping with him. He also didn't strike me as the type of guy that would be that concerned about a woman's pleasure. I imagined it would be like sleeping with a high schooler all over again.
Then it happened.
I had a sex dream about him. It was erotic and overwhelming. I'd never experienced anything like that. I was pretty sure that I'd had an intense orgasm and probably moaned loudly in my sleep. I had to take a cold shower when I woke up. I couldn't shake the feelings all day.
We text pretty regularly so I mentioned I had a dream about him that was sexual in nature. He thought that was cool. Next I knew I was inviting him over for a playdate saturday night. I asked him to bring cupcakes.
I thought that he'd come over and we'd catch up on shows that we'd talked about. We'd cuddle and kiss but maybe sex wouldn't be on the table. It's been almost two months since I saw him. I was hoping we would get reconnected again. I was looking forward to seeing him. Feeling that excitement again when I am near him. It's really sort of a high to feel that way around someone. I missed it. I was excited. I let him know if he wanted to stay over it was cool.
Saturday came and I got more and more excited. He works weekends so I knew when he was about to leave the shop. He had a last minute client so he was running late. I put on my dark purple nightie nothing underneath. When I opened the door he immediately asked what I had on underneath. I asked him what he thought. Next I knew I was being grabbed from every direction. I told him to slow down. He asked why I called him to come over. I told him hopefully to chill and reconnect. He's on me like a fever. Kissing me and pulling at my gown. His shorts are coming down and he's telling me to touch him. I told him again to slow down, and that I needed foreplay. In seconds he was naked and laying me on my bed. He put on a condom and was touching me between my legs. He said I was ready. I wasn't sure I was. I know emotionally I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
He's pretty well endowed so I was prepared for the pain and struggle. I didn't expect any gentleness from him. But he was patient, and it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Once things got going it was a lot like my dream. The way he talked, the way his body looked. But he seemed like he was in a rush. Is an uber waiting downstairs or something? Geez. Then I remembered him telling me when he has sex it's one and done. He asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told the truth. No. He seemed disappointed.
We cleaned up and laid in bed watching episodes of ATL and snuggling. This is what I wanted all along. He stayed a few hours then he left. The next day when he text, he said next time he'd be more thorough. I thought it was nice of him to say. But I also wondered if I'd see him again. I was ok if I didn't. I think I was more curious than anything what sex with him would be like. He'd been a fantasy of mine for so long I needed to get it out of my system. I always imagined that he would be one of these guys that didn't really learn much about women or how to please them. That he'd sleep with a bunch of girls who didn't know anything about themselves anyway so they would just lay there and pretend he was doing something special just so he would like them. It would usually backfire because he'd move on immediately leaving them exposed and confused.
I'm quite self aware, so mediocre doesn't cut it for me. I don't have sex that often because I don't make intimate connections with men that make me want to. The painter was the closest thing for quite a while. I still feel like I am selling myself short. But I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. I don't know what will happen next.
Since I the car was taken from me my visits to see him at his shop stopped. We talked about him coming over to visit, but I didn't press the issue as being alone with him worried me. He was obsessed with having a kid, so I wasn't that jazzed on sleeping with him. He also didn't strike me as the type of guy that would be that concerned about a woman's pleasure. I imagined it would be like sleeping with a high schooler all over again.
Then it happened.
I had a sex dream about him. It was erotic and overwhelming. I'd never experienced anything like that. I was pretty sure that I'd had an intense orgasm and probably moaned loudly in my sleep. I had to take a cold shower when I woke up. I couldn't shake the feelings all day.
We text pretty regularly so I mentioned I had a dream about him that was sexual in nature. He thought that was cool. Next I knew I was inviting him over for a playdate saturday night. I asked him to bring cupcakes.
I thought that he'd come over and we'd catch up on shows that we'd talked about. We'd cuddle and kiss but maybe sex wouldn't be on the table. It's been almost two months since I saw him. I was hoping we would get reconnected again. I was looking forward to seeing him. Feeling that excitement again when I am near him. It's really sort of a high to feel that way around someone. I missed it. I was excited. I let him know if he wanted to stay over it was cool.
Saturday came and I got more and more excited. He works weekends so I knew when he was about to leave the shop. He had a last minute client so he was running late. I put on my dark purple nightie nothing underneath. When I opened the door he immediately asked what I had on underneath. I asked him what he thought. Next I knew I was being grabbed from every direction. I told him to slow down. He asked why I called him to come over. I told him hopefully to chill and reconnect. He's on me like a fever. Kissing me and pulling at my gown. His shorts are coming down and he's telling me to touch him. I told him again to slow down, and that I needed foreplay. In seconds he was naked and laying me on my bed. He put on a condom and was touching me between my legs. He said I was ready. I wasn't sure I was. I know emotionally I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
He's pretty well endowed so I was prepared for the pain and struggle. I didn't expect any gentleness from him. But he was patient, and it didn't hurt as much as I expected. Once things got going it was a lot like my dream. The way he talked, the way his body looked. But he seemed like he was in a rush. Is an uber waiting downstairs or something? Geez. Then I remembered him telling me when he has sex it's one and done. He asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told the truth. No. He seemed disappointed.
We cleaned up and laid in bed watching episodes of ATL and snuggling. This is what I wanted all along. He stayed a few hours then he left. The next day when he text, he said next time he'd be more thorough. I thought it was nice of him to say. But I also wondered if I'd see him again. I was ok if I didn't. I think I was more curious than anything what sex with him would be like. He'd been a fantasy of mine for so long I needed to get it out of my system. I always imagined that he would be one of these guys that didn't really learn much about women or how to please them. That he'd sleep with a bunch of girls who didn't know anything about themselves anyway so they would just lay there and pretend he was doing something special just so he would like them. It would usually backfire because he'd move on immediately leaving them exposed and confused.
I'm quite self aware, so mediocre doesn't cut it for me. I don't have sex that often because I don't make intimate connections with men that make me want to. The painter was the closest thing for quite a while. I still feel like I am selling myself short. But I don't know why I feel the way I do about him. I don't know what will happen next.
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